Jimmy's Brace 02

Jimmy's Brace - 02

I spent the next couple of weeks in a self-imposed isolation, leaving my room only to eat and use the bathroom, I think I only showered 3 or 4 times.. I read, played video games, watched TV and did anything else I could think of to avoid what I really should have been doing, Working out my problem with Jimmy.

Every night I sat in my darkened room. And every night I watched Jimmy go through the same ritual of staring at my window, putting his hand up to the window and then falling into bed crying. It was tearing me up, but I couldn’t bring myself to work it out in my mind.

The next night after I watched Jimmy, I threw myself onto my bed and cried myself hoarse. When the waterworks were done I found that I was extremely thirsty. I got up to get a drink of water and heard voices in the family room so I crept down the stairs as quietly as I could.

“I know you don’t want to get involved Drew”, Jimmy’s dad Lon was talking, “but we’ve never seen Jimmy like this. We make him sit at the table to eat and all he does is push his food around and nibble a bit. He’s always been a happy kid. Always had a smile or a laugh but he hasn’t even smiled in two weeks, and he refuses to tell us what’s wrong. We’ve even started checking on him day and night, we are so afraid he’s going to hurt himself. Judy wouldn’t even come over with me, she’s afraid to leave him alone. We’re at wits end here.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like someone had hit me in the gut, I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to vomit. Oh god what if he did hurt himself? It would be all my fault? Why did this have to happen? I collapsed onto the stairs. My mind spinning as I tried to concentrate on what they were saying.

“You’re right Lon,” Dad was saying, “I’ve made it a point to let Brace work through things on his own, trying to guide him and prepare him for what life might bring, but whatever has happened here is beyond them. I’m not going to fix it for them but its time to interfere a bit. I’ll speak to him tonight and get with you tomorrow.”

I snuck back up to my room as quietly as I could and laid down on my bed waiting for the inevitable. My mind reeling. What was he gonna ask? What was I gonna tell him? Before I could get my thoughts in order, there was a knock at the door.

“Come in” I sighed.

“Hey Son.” My dad poked his head in the door. “Mind if we chat a bit?”

“I guess” I mumbled.

He came in and sat on the edge of the bed. I was tensed up, trying to anticipate his questions and wondering how far I could get with lies. He just took a deep breath and stared at the floor.

“When I was growing up I had a best friend, Paul. We were inseparable, blood brothers. We went everywhere and did everything together.”

This wasn’t what I had expected and I wondered where he was going with it. He took a deep breath and I could tell he was struggling.

“We had a fight. And I hate to say it because I think I passed it on to you, but I was stubborn, I was furious with him and couldn’t bring myself to look at him, much less talk to him. This went on for quite awhile. I don’t think I said a word to him for a month. Then one day…” and here my dad shuddered and I saw tears start to leak out his eyes.

He continued but his voice was rough, and he was struggling to speak.

“I guess he’d had enough of our fighting. I was walking to school and heard him behind me yelling at me to stop. I was at a crosswalk and I can still see the timer at 5 seconds. I hurried across the street thinking the red light would give me enough space to get away from him. Then I heard him start running. There was a loud squeal and I turned around in time to see his body flying and hit the pavement.

Tears were streaming down his face now.

“You know that fishing trip I take every year by myself?” I nodded remembering all the times I’d felt bad because he wouldn’t take me.

“I don’t go fishing. I go back to where we grew up. I wander the streets, reliving the things we did. Then I check into a hotel and drink myself to sleep. Paul was in a coma for a long time, his Dad got a new job and they moved away and transferred him to a new hospital before he woke up. I haven’t seen him since. I’ve never forgotten him and I’ve never forgiven myself. And do you know what the worst thing about it is?”

He looked me in the eyes then, as I shook my head not daring to say anything to spoil the moment. He looked away and with a sob said.

“I can’t remember what we fought about.”

He sat there for a few minutes composing himself then looked at me again.

“Your mother and I decided a long time ago to not interfere in the lives of you kids. And we won’t. We are here to guide you and teach you. But your lives are your own. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jimmy and I don’t expect you to tell me. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, and I’ll help you with whatever it is you need. I love you so much Brace. And I love Jimmy too. We were so happy that you finally found someone you could be friends with. His dad was here tonight and told me that Jimmy’s having a really hard time, and I know you’re not very happy so I have to infer that you still like him. Brace, don’t let Jimmy be your Paul. There aren’t very many things you can’t work out. Understood?”

I nodded.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

I shook my head no. “I think I need to do some thinking dad.” I croaked out. “I’ll come to you if I need anything ok?”

He looked me in the eyes for a long time and finally nodded.

“Anytime you need to talk I’m here.” He said.

He hugged me tight then got up and left.

My mind was reeling before, but now it was in turmoil. I knew I was unhappy. I knew Jimmy was hurting. I knew I would feel horrible if anything happened to him. But that didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to be gay.

I had an inspiration and went and logged onto my computer. I started searching for sites that talked about being a gay teen. As I read I got more and more intrigued. I read stories about coming out, I read advice on dealing with being gay. The more I read, the more involved I got. I looked up at one point and saw that the sun was coming up. But I couldn’t stop reading. I found sites. I read advice. I followed links to stories. Finally around noon I logged off exhausted and fell asleep.

When I woke up I was surprised to see it was ten at night. I couldn’t believe my parents hadn’t been in to wake me up. I went downstairs. I was starving for the first time in two weeks. I found my parents in the kitchen.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked

“To be honest Brace” my dad said. “After our talk we kept an eye on you. We know you were up all night and most of the day. We decided that what you were doing was probably more important than being awake today. So we left you alone.

“Are you hungry sweetie?” my mom asked.

I couldn’t help but grin at them. I couldn’t believe what wonderful parents I had.

“Yeah starving actually”

“Wow, appetite and a smile” my dad commented. “I hope this means you worked some things out?”

“Not quite dad, but I’m close. Can I go talk to Jimmy after I’m done eating?”

My mom and dad looked at each other, the surprise evident on their faces.

“Sure,” mom said grinning “but take a shower first, you stink”

By the time I’d eaten and showered it was late. I looked over to Jimmy’s window but it was dark. I didn’t care. I needed to talk to Jimmy while everything I had learned was fresh in my head. I snuck over to Jimmy’s and let myself in. We had given each other keys to our houses. I took my shoes off and tiptoed up to Jimmy’s room. With the light from the moon I could just barely make out his form. And suddenly I was terrified. I wanted to make up with him but what if he was too mad at me? I couldn’t bring myself to wake him up.

I decided not to wake him up. Instead I carefully climbed into bed with him and put my hand on his shoulder. I needed to touch him but I didn’t want to disturb him. I lay like that with my body as far away from him as possible but maintaining that touch. I lay like that looking at him for a long time. Not remembering when I fell asleep.

When my eyes opened the next morning the first thing I saw was Jimmy looking at me. What I saw tore me up. I could see he was mad, I could see the hurt, a deep hurt that I knew I had put there.

“Hey Jimmy”

“Don’t hey Jimmy me, what the hell are you doing here?” he asked angrily.

“I need to talk to you.”

He looked at me for a long minute.

“So talk.” he said not giving an inch

“Where do I start? Shit. Ok, listen to me for a minute and don’t say anything, k?”

He just continued to stare at me.

“These last two weeks have been tough on me. Jimmy you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose that.”

I took a deep breath dreading the next words I needed to say.

“I’m gay, but I’m not happy about it. I’m really struggling with it. It’s gonna take me some time to come to terms with it. I really love you. But I can’t be your boyfriend right now. I’m just not ready for that. I want us to be friends again, and I promise I’ll work on it. That’s it. Just please don’t hate me.”

He looked at me for a long time.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

He got up and left but came back shortly.

“You hurt me bad Brace.” Were the first words out of his mouth.

“But I think I know how you feel. I can respect that as long as we are friends again. I’ve missed having you around so much.”

And then he smiled. I never thought a smile would affect me like that. It was like the world made sense again. I jumped up and hugged him tight, and he hugged me back.

“Give me some time.” I whispered “I’ll get there.”

“I know” he whispered back.

We stayed like that for awhile, until the grumbling of his stomach brought us around.

“I guess I’d better get something to eat. I can’t afford to lose more weight.”

We went down to his kitchen together with big smiles on our faces. When his parents saw us, his mom almost collapsed.

“Oh my god” she whispered and looked upward “thank you, thank you”

Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. Please email me at yaalc@yahoo.com.

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