A Son's Father
by Ryan Hickey


I was sleeping on the bus when this story popped fully formed into my head. I haven't done much editing to it...other than spelling. I normally just forget them and never go back to them when they just pop in there. But this one forced me to put it down on paper...please let me know what you think.


Sitting at the kitchen table head bent down, his long blond frosted tip bangs falling across his right eye, the boy looks at his old, scuffed, white Nike knockoff shoes. The teen notices his right shoelace needs to be tied. His pale white hands, covered in sweat, are clasped together in his lap to keep them from shaking with fear. He listens to his father, standing at the kitchen sink, open the envelope from school.

Oh God oh God oh God… I’m so dead. Why… why did they have to find us?

He hears the sound of unfolding paper, followed by the light humming sound his father makes every time he's reading. He can still see the look in his father’s eyes when he handed over the sealed letter from the school principal. His brother had brought home a lot of letters from the principal… but never one like this.

The humming suddenly stops. Josh closes his crystal blue eyes, feeling tears welling up in them, and not wanting to break down. And there it is: he's reached it.

Why now? Why does this have to happen now? We weren’t hurting anyone. I can't believe I got caught on my first kiss, I wanted to kiss him for so long… and now I'll likely never see Matt again.

A single tear escapes from each eye and runs down his cheeks, falling off and landing on the tops of his shoes. Taking a deep breath, he begins preparing for the inevitable explosion, the yelling, the disgust in his fathers voice. He hears his father sigh and then the sound of paper being placed on the kitchen counter.

"Josh?"

Josh opens his mouth to try and say something - anything - but fear grips him totally and he is unable to do more then let out a quiet whimper.

He thinks, "My life is over."

His father takes a step closer to the table, and in a sterner voice, demands, "Josh, what exactly happened, the letter is a little vague."


Josh feels a wave of hope. They didn’t tell him everything in the letter; maybe the school just told him that I was making out with another student; maybe they didn’t even mention that it was Mark, or even another boy...

His hopes shatter with his father’s next words.


"All the school is saying in the letter is that you are being suspended for a week because you were caught 'In an inappropriate sexual situation with a fellow male student,' but they don’t say exactly what it was."

The room is filled with an oppressive silence. Josh is too frightened to say anything, too frightened to even notice the lack of hostility and the presence of concern in his fathers voice.

The quiet of the room is broken by the sound of a chair being pulled out from the table. Josh sees his fathers legs step in front of him and take a seat. The boy shifts his gaze onto his fathers feet, taking in his fathers stone washed jeans and the black boots covered with dried mud from the day's work at the downtown construction site.

"Josh…can you look at me son?"

Josh's only response is a shake of the head, and a fervent wish he could just curl up and disappear. He nearly jumps out of his skin as he feels a gentle hand rest atop of his head.

"Josh, I need to know what happened. For them to suspend you for a week it must have even more then your brother got up to. You remember what he was like in High School. I could paper the living room with all the letters from school warning me that he was caught kissing some girl or other, but even then they never suspended him."

Josh shakes his head, and sobs, "Dad….please…please don’t be mad... please don’t hate me. All we did was kiss. I swear, that’s all we did, I don’t mean to be gay... I don’t want to be. It’s just... God dad please...."

His explanation and pleading is cut off as he begins to shake violently when hours of pent up fear come pouring out of him. The frightened teen feels a powerful set of arms encircle him and lift him bodily into his father's lap, just as his father had done when he was a young boy, frightened by nightmares and the dark. He feels himself slowly rocked back and forth and his father tighten his arms around him. Josh buries his face into his fathers shoulder. He cries and cries until the tears are all spent.

Shuddering with the last of the sobs, he slowly tilts his head up to look at the man holding him like a baby. Josh is shocked to see tears flowing from his fathers deep green eyes, down his cheeks to drip on to his black t-shirt.

His fathers voice quivering with emotion, he leans down and kisses Josh on the forehead and says, "Please tell me you don’t think I would ever reject you, or that I would ever hurt you. You’re my son, you’re the joy of my life Josh, I could no sooner reject you then I could cast out my own heart. I love you, nothing will ever change that, and nothing could."

Blinking away the last of his own tears the father clears his throat.

"But it’s clear to me, from the total fear and anguish you were in, that I failed in showing you that love. I failed in my duty to you, I failed to reassure you that you would never have anything to fear from me, and for that... for that I can only ask your forgiveness and promise that I will do better."


With mouth hanging open the young man can only shake his head and hold on tighter to his father.

"There is nothing wrong with what you did Josh. There is nothing wrong with you, or the feelings you have. They're natural, they're normal, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. No matter what others might say, as long as you follow your heart."

The man wipes the last traces of tears from his son's face.

"You have always been a good kid, Josh. You work hard, you are always willing to help out, whether it’s me, or anyone that you meet. And you have a kind heart. Those are the things that matter, and anyone who judges you because of who your heart calls out for... well, they're fools."

Ruffling his son's hair and pulling him tightly against his chest, he continues to rock back and forth. "You may have picked a bad place for it. The school does have rules against students making out at school, but that only makes sense, teenagers being what they are, but if all you did was kiss, then it’s the school that's wrong. They're overreacting." A small smile breaks across the older Steelworker's face. "I mean, if all your brother got for kissing nearly every girl in school when he was there was a few detentions and a ton of letters home to me, then is no way you should be suspended. But I can deal with..."

He is interrupted by the sound of his son's snoring and loud sniffle. Smiling even more, he looks down at his son.

He murmurs, "You're getting older, my boy. If you have found someone you want to kiss, then you're older then I though you were. Where did the time go..."
Carefully standing, cradling him in his arms, the father carries his son to his room and tucks him in bed.

"Sweet dreams Josh. We have lots to talk about, but luckily lots of time to talk about it."

Walking to the door, the father shuts off the lights to his son's room.

"I love you my son."

Copyright Notice - Copyright ©2004 by Ryan Hickey
This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or any other form known or unknown without the author’s express written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced.