Can You Catch My Heart

Book One

Buckets Of Blessings

Chapter Twelve

By

Retta Michaels

Disclaimer:

If your laws do not allow you to read this story, then don't. All the rest of you people who read it, if you think it's true, boy, have I investment opportunities for you!

Notes From Retta:

For those of you who've enjoyed this story, there's more to come. For the releases of the next two stories, I'm releasing one chapter each a week.

Read and enjoy.

Chapter 12:

When I came down the steps, I took a look around and saw everything was in order. I went over to Gregg and said, “When the boys come down, do what you can to show them the ropes out here”.

Jake said, “Ok”

Gregg said, “He's looking forward to this like he's got two new little brothers.”

“Good, Lonny and him will get along alright. Lenny will squeeze every last bit of information from him about Mark. There's a boy there that's in lust with Mark if you must know.”

Gregg smiled and said, “Mark's right in there. You should have heard the amount of questions he had about them.”

“Oh, did he seem interested?”

“I don't know what Mark's interest is, but I do know he was asking a lot of questions.”

“Let's hope he thinks Len's attractive. I've tried to prepare him so his hopes aren't up. I told him I'd introduce him, but I don't know what Mark likes.”

“I think Mark likes what he sees.” joked Jake.

“No, that's my other brother. He's getting over that.” I said nodding at Gregg.

“Hey, I'm not that bad.”

“Well, Lon's that bad so do what you can to keep his hormones in order. He's planning on coming down and scoping for a girlfriend at a funeral for chrissake.”

Gregg said, “Oh man, he's desperate.”

Jake blushed and said, “I don't know, I found mine here.”

“Have you two talked?”

Gregg joked and said, “I think he's on the phone all the time with her!”

“Oh, good for you. Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Yeah and you remember a rolling stone gathers no moss.”

“OK, just be careful, you don't want to look too needy and too clingy.”

“Oh, I'm not doing that, am I?”

“I don't know, but if you suddenly cut it back to one or two phone calls a day now, she'd think something is up.”

“We have to stop talking a lot because she's in her lab doing research. She's anxious to find your scent and give it to you as a cologne.”

“When she does that, I'm going to drive her insane because those two coming down the steps have their own scents too. Lon's is a bit stronger all the time, but Len's is awesome. I can't wait to see how many he pulls to him at a dance club when he's all sweaty.”

Gregg laughed and said, “That'd be funny. You three out there with all the girls near you.”

“Yeah, Ty wouldn't be happy.”

“Well, give them to Lon.”

Lon said, “Give me what?”

“We were discussing our scents and talking about going onto a dance floor and getting all sweaty and drawing in all the girls. I said Ty would be upset because I'd get all the girls and they said to give them to you.”

Lon smiled, “I'll take everyone of them you guys draw in. Three times the bait, who's gonna complain?”

“Ooh, here comes Cora. I'll go tell her you're the straight one Lon.”

“Lance get back here!”

“Cora, you're a vision of loveliness today and how are the children.”

“They're doing wonderful. Peepsie and Poopsie are the reason I don't stay here with you. Who are the youngsters you've got over there?“

“You've not met my brothers! I'm sorry, I surely thought someone would grace you with an introduction. This one here is Leonard. Don't call him that. He prefers Lenny. You probably won't draw him into a conversation because he's too shy. Lon here is Lonny. Now Lonny is all conversation. Why, we were just speaking and I was telling him how you thought my scent smelled so good. Take a smell of Lonny's and see what you think of his.”

She leaned into Lonny and I swear she copped a feel. She stepped back and seemed disinterested.

“Lenny has his own scent too, but I'm afraid you won't find him a challenge. He's like me and prefers the company of men.”

She smiled and said, “Oh, the unobtainable ones are the ones I like.”

She smelled Lenny and said, “I think I prefer you Lance.”

Both Lonny and Lenny began laughing and I said, “Well Cora, I'll do what I can to please. You know I'm a busy man.”

She laughed and said, “They way that one's walking, I'd say you are!”

“Oh Cora, don't speak about the love of my life that way. You know he's fragile still.”

“Fragile my ass.”

“Cora that's not been fragile for a long time.”

The boys all laughed and I said, “I'm sorry, I spoke the first thing that came to my mind!”

“You spoke the truth. Now, I've got to get back in there instead of out here gutter talking with the fellas.”

She left and each one of the guy's faces were red from repressed laughter.

Lon said, “I feel violated. She had Charlie pegged instantly.”

“Charlie?”

“Yeah, Charlie Horse”

“Oh man, What's your name Len?”

“I don't have a name. Am I supposed to have one?”

“Well, Lon there apparently had as much fun made of him in the showers as I have. I learned when I started calling mine a name, the guys who were straight would back off. The gay guys would call it by name.”

“What's yours?”

“Longfellow.”

Gregg started laughing and I can hear it now, an announcer at a horse race. Charlie horse comes around the bend leading by a length but Longfellow is coming up from behind. The young fellow has it by the neck and he's beating Charlie horse like he's never beaten him before. From out of nowhere comes cotton candy, you know cotton candy is so sweet everyone wants some. Cotton candy might be a pony compared to the Clydesdales, but he wins by a sudden thrust.”

Len said, “I like the name of that. I'll call mine that.”

Gregg said, “Too late, that's mine. Get your own.”

Jake laughed and said, “Mine's named “After midnight.”

“What?”

“You know Patsy Cline, she'd go out walking “After Midnight” and if you hear the number of songs that have that in it, you'd be amazed.”

“Well that's original. Have Nicole name you a cologne that.”

“I think there's one called that already.”

“Oh, see what I get when I don't wear the stuff?”

They laughed and I walked off into the chapel. There's one thing I do on the day of the funeral service to alleviate stress. Those involved and I get into conversations similar to this. Usually, not as graphic, but it's to get a smile on the faces so the event about to take place isn't so sad. I only do this outside of the chapel and as soon as I walk in, it's all business.”

The guys were busy escorting people in and out of the chapel. Those wearing suits came in, those wearing beer tee's and biker tee's went to the garage. This left the front vestibule open for whatever and whomever came in late. When the service got started, I wasn't going to have someone seen on camera sitting down and taking off their jackets making a wall about six feet wide of nothing but them. We had a viewing audience and we had a person whom I would have respected at all costs.

I walked through and spoke with many asking how they were but listening very unfocused. My brain had to be too many places and they realized it. I saw someone had moved some flowers again and went over towards it. Bright blue. I turned to Ty and said “Get everyone out of here” loud enough to get everyone moving.

In the most professional voice, he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please step back into the rotunda, we'll be making adjustments and have you back in momentarily.”

I turned and saw people sitting. “MOVE!”

I heard a few “Well I never!”

Finally, I said, “IF the person that brought the bright blue arrangement might come up and collect it, I won't think it's a bomb. So either move out of here or take the consequences.”

That got people moving. The voices that “Never” were giving “My words”

I turned to Ty and said, “Get the casket out of here and hit that panic alarm. We need the police here and I want a dvd of who placed it there in a heartbeat.”

He looked at me and said, “Which first?”

“I'll get the body. You get the DVD. I want that arrangement left where it is, and I want whomever allowed that arrangement into this chapel in my office now.”

Ty looked at me and said, “I swear I never saw it come in.”

“I know, you've been busy. This whole thing is about to be fucked up over someone not paying attention and I'm pissed.”

I went in and watched the video. I saw it was brought in by an elderly man in black pants, white blazer and a white stetson. Now, do I lift the arrangement, or do I wait? Finally, I made the decision to find the man and see who he was and tell him the situation.

I walked through the crowd and said, “Will the gentleman wearing a white blazer and white stetson please come to the chapel?”

Soon, the gentleman came forward and I said, “Sir, security here is rather tight. All those people are out there in that vestibule because your flower arrangement hasn't been screened. If you would please take it to the garage, I'll make arrangements for it to be placed there. If not, then the bomb and arson squad will be called in.”

He looked at me and said, “I just brought some flowers for the little filly.”

“The little filly appreciates them as does her family. Those flowers are holding up the funeral now.”

He said, “You must have strong security.”

“I do when it comes to a funeral this big and all these people's security.”

“I'll move my flowers. You just got my business. It tells me you don't care who I am and it tells me you take the person up there first and foremost.”

“I do. I'm sorry about hurting your feelings, but I've got to.”

He nodded and took his flowers to the rear. Ty came in the side door and I said, “Please show him a place that's distinguished for that arrangement?”

Ty took a look and smiled. “Sure”

He gave me a look like 'Do you know who this is?”

I gave him a look like, “I don't care and it doesn't matter.”

As soon as the offending flowers were away from the body, I felt tons better. Yes, there was only a matter of walls between it and the arrangement now, but if it was directional, then it'd not blast out towards the family.

When the man came back in, he smiled and said, “That boy knows who I am. He wants you to know so I may speak a eulogy.”

The man looked familiar and I tried to think where I knew the face. He definitely wasn't local.

He came over and shook my hand. “My real name is Reb but a lot of people know me as Porcupine McCactus. Back when I was on a different show, that woman in that casket wrote me a fan letter telling me about a character she thought would be great for me. I thought about it and since my career was in the doldrums, I decided to give it a one shot chance and went for it. My character was to be the most hateful person on the planet. The goal was to put me in situations where normal people would make me see the light of my errors and have me being liked by the end of the show. So, I thought a beard and walked with a limp and had my eye like this and suddenly, Porcupine McCactus was born. Cactus because the spines will get you if you touch it, but Porcupine because you don't have to even get close and I'd shoot them at you.”

I stood there and smiled and thought. She played the part in business too.

He went on and said, “Suddenly, I was the lovable bad man in shows and they had me on a lot of the shows in the seventies. That woman's idea made my career.”

“Sir, I will get up and introduce you myself. I'm not familiar with you because I don't watch much television, but I will do it because that woman up there I'm understanding more and more. You, sir, are a huge piece of the puzzle.”

“Huh?”

“She was a woman in business. The horror stories of how she treated people that crossed her, or were perceived threats are many, but she was respected. Now I'm understanding the part she was playing. She got you a career, but she got herself respect with the same character.”

“Oh, well, all these years, she's kept in touch and she'd send pictures of her family and of her successes in life. It was like she voted me in as a replacement for her dad when they died.”

“Probably. I'm glad you're here.”

He smiled and said, “You have no clue who I am, do you?”

“No, and it shouldn't matter. It's her day, but when the time comes, I'm not going to let anyone steal your spotlight either.”

He laughed and said, “Point well taken.”

“No sir, that's the way it has to be. If I start allowing others to disrespect the body, then for me, it's time to get out of the business. What I'll do is I'll sit you at this end of the brewery segment. Please keep your hat off until you stand up. I'll be telling anyone else that same thing who is in this area. Another thing, this is being televised locally, so it will hit a local audience. I hope that's ok because there's no forms to protect you.”

He nodded and said, “Ok, I appreciate the effort.”

Ty came over and shook Reb's hand. I'd like to thank you for coming. My mom was a big fan of yours. She has scrapbooks of your pictures.”

“Oh really! I'd like to see them. I had one and it got destroyed in one of the many wild fires they have out in California.”

Ty smiled and said, “After the funeral, I'll get you them and which you can have. I know Gregg or I won't keep them up like she did, so it'll be great if you have them.”

I saw the old man begin to tear up and I said, “Sorry, but I've got to go let these people back in. They're probably worried to death.”

Reb said, “I'll give a bit of an excuse for you when I speak.”

I nodded and went to go open the doors.

The first person through the door was the police chief. He looked at me concerned and said, “I have the bomb and arson squad on standby.”

“It's nothing. As you see, every flower in here is pink and it's been scanned by others for security. I came in and saw a bright blue arrangement and believe me, that stood out.”

He chuckled and said, “I bet it did. It'd look like a blue M&M laying in Pepto Bismol.

I laughed and said, “You got that, so as soon as I saw it, I rushed everyone out and then went to find who had placed it there. That gentleman up there did. His name is Reb and he's some sort of television character. He's ok from what I summize. Ty instantly recognized him although the face doesn't ring a bell with me.”

He nodded and said, “If the guy had a beard and his face was scrunched up, I'd say he'd look like Porky McCactus.”

“That'd be your man.”

“Really! Oh man, you don't remember his shows?!”

“No, I didn't watch much television when I was little.”

“Oh man, that guy was tops. He's the reason I chose going into law.”

I nodded and turned to Mitch. Mitch looked amused and said, “You threw the blue flowers out!”

“No, they're in the back.”

“I was trying to get to you to tell you, but you had everyone moving out before I could get there. I recognized him as soon as he got here.”

“You should have gotten to me. I don't know many famous people's faces.”

He smiled and said, “Then, you don't recognize any of the Brewery contingent?”

“No, they're all there because I saw the Tie tack of the Falcon E. They never spoke, so I didn't either.”

“They'll be speaking to me afterwards. I have to have their blessing to continue running the business in her stead. If they don't allow it, then I'll have thirty days to sell it to someone suitable or the franchise will be given to someone else.”

“Hard way to do business.”

“Happens all the time. The key is to have good numbers before and have a plan to keep the numbers up. We've got that in place.”

“Take them the double books and tell them that's what was done by the old guard and tell them that's the reason you fired the others.”

“Do you know where the other books are?”

“Yeah, ask Chance. His uncle had them in his office under something that didn't make them look like books. Also, if you can, I want Chance in your front office. He'd do good in his uncle's old job. He's honest and he'd be a check and balance if anything was amiss.”

“Ok. I trust your judgment and will do it. Does he have accounting experience?”

“No, but from what I understand, the guy in there didn't either. He was doing it like the banker in monopoly and then putting transactions he didn't understand in one pile and all the others in another and shipping it to the accountant. I'm guessing he learned enough through the years to make notations of the discrepant transactions because it should tell where all the missing money is and where all the missing items are on your books.”

“Oh Ok...I should've thanked him.”

“No, let his butt sit and rot where he is. He wouldn't have told you a thing. Chance is the one that brought it to me. The uncle is the one we just hauled out of here trying to kill me in the office”

“Oh, No one told me who it was. Everyone knew something was going on, but I never got told who it was and only caught snippets of conversations.”

“We didn't want everyone worried.

“Ok, so Chance is a good kid?”

“Yeah, he's a keeper. I'll tell you more later of how he fits in.”

“I've heard a bit, but this past day has been really filled.”

“Yeah, that's why we take you out of it tomorrow and get you some relaxation time and time to get your mind off things.”

He nodded and said, “I've got to get some trucks in here and twelve door trailers.”

“Yeah, I've been thinking about that. You might ask the brewery people where the best leases are gotten on them. They might tell you, or they might tell you to shop, but I'd say if they can't tell you, you'll find a scribbled message palmed to you. My advice it to use it. That will get you a wink from whomever.”

He nodded and said, “You need to be in here working along side me.”

“Nope, the amount of beer I desire to sell wouldn't fill a thimble. I'll tell you ideas, but that's really how far I care to have it. Maybe later, but not now.”

He smiled and said, “Just stay in my corner.”

“I'm there. Have you seen or heard from that guy in Quincy?”

“No, no flowers and not a word.”

“That's strange. When he comes in, I've got word to sit him with the brewery contingent. If he doesn't show, do you think they'll take notice.”

“I'm sure they will. In order to not be here, he'd have to be dead or dying and I don't mean terminal...he has to be in the process of dying...all other infractions are really frowned upon.”

“Well, I'll tell you when this funeral starts, I'm closing those doors back there and no one's getting in.”

He nodded and said, “Fine by me, you know what's best.”

“It's more respectful for the television audience. I'd say this room's going to be full and the back looks like a biker convention.”

He smiled and said, “It's probably more fun back there.”

“Maybe, but all I think it'd take for a bunch of girls to start showing their tits is one beer and I hope no one had a cold one stashed.”

“No, that'd be too much at a funeral.”

“We think it but some people don't.”

“Don't allow it here.”

“Ok, I'll get my spare police officer on it.”

He winked and said, “You've had a busy day with them.”

“Yeah, hopefully it's over.”

He nodded and said, “I've had days like that. I've still got mileage in me, but I know I'm on the last quarter tank.”

“When you hit E, tell me and I'll get you privacy fast. Better than that, when you get to a little above E, tell me. I don't want to have to catch you when you're sputtering to a stop.”

He nodded and said, “I don't know when the contingent wants their meeting.”

“I'd say it'd be extremely distasteful to do it over an open casket. They'll probably ask you when you want to speak with them. My suggestion is to familiarize yourself with the books and know the damages you've incurred before you take it to them. Them finding out at the same time as you could be very ill advised. Also, may I suggest one other item?”

“Yeah”

“When you go in, you have to go in and have something that will catch their eye. My suggestion is proposing a bar that is going to be very similar to Fast Eddie's...volume...volume....volume... They know the numbers that man sells and they know you've got location of a large area screaming for cheap food. Your idea will be one better because you can have drive thru service and be a classy bar where a fella can take his girl and honky tonk without fights happening.”

“Not gonna happen. Wherever beer is served, there's going to be a disturbance.”

“Yeah, but you don't know how to do it. There's a place I know that culls out disorderlies before they even occur. If they occur, they've got a final warning. If it happens again, they're banned from the place and prosecuted. It doesn't matter who it is...the best customer or the worst....no one is treated more than another.”

“How do you do that with drinks? There's always going to be a bartender that slips a shot.”

“You're not understanding the volume side of the scale. The bartenders I'm thinking of that have actual contact with the customer is really a drink server. The bar tenders are up making drinks by the five gallon bucket. Those buckets are poured into those liquid slush machines so they're chilled. Each person is given a cup at the door for the night. They buy the cup and that's it...if they want another cup, they buy it...and I don't care who breaks it, there are no freebies. Also, once a person leaves, they don't come back for that night. It's too easy for someone to go to another place and get tanked and come back only to hold you responsible for the lives they take when they leave.”

“So you're talking high volume.”

“Yeah, your profit is there and people aren't used to that. The catch is bottles. Let's say a guy comes in the door and he's drinking bottle beer. He pays the same twenty dollar cover as everyone else. He can give that cup off to someone, and drink bottles and you're screwed. What I'd do is insist he hold out that cup and you put the bottle in it. That's his drink. He'll hold onto that cup then.”

He looked at me and said, “Tell my boys about this. I want in too but it can't be at the hotel.”

I nodded and said, “I've got a job to do. The key here is to have you thinking about the future and not the right now. You've said goodbye and that's what everyone else is here to say.”

“A lot of people here.”

“Yeah, we've got another half hour and this place will fill beyond capacity.”

He smiled. “She'd love this.”

 

“Do me a favor and listen to what that man Reb has to say. I think it's going to speak to your heart. I know I understand her so much more than I did before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it was like a huge puzzle piece falling into place. Can I give you a bit of advice?”

“You know you can.”

“When we start the eulogies, it's going to be a formal occasion and then, it will be a bit bizarre because you're going to have people telling the truth as to what sort of person she was. The first ones will be respectful, but then, it'd going to be like a snowball rolling. What I will do is I will get up there and I'll step in when I think it's time by making an announcement that we've run out of time. I'd rather have people thinking I'm the hard ass than someone get up there and start talking about her going to that motel.”

“Oh man.”

“Yeah, so what I'm saying is we're walking a high wire with no net. I'll step in and stop it politely when we've heard enough and believe me, I don't care who's next in line. You and the boys will be first and then the brewery officials. Then cactus whats his name and....”

“You know Ty said you didn't know Porky and he thinks its funny.”

“No, I didn't' get to watch much television. Maybe his shows were on when we didn't have cable or maybe it was when I started working in the fifth grade because after that, all my spare time was full.”

“Oh. You really had a hard life, didn't you?”

“No, that's just the first twenty. The next eighty will be a piece of cake after what I've been through.”

He smiled and said, “I'd think so too. Can I get a hug?”

“Pops, you don't ever have to ask”

“Yeah I do. People are going to look and as much I value you and respect you, I don't want any wrong words to be said on my behalf.”

“They won't. If anyone says anything, it'll be because I hustled everyone out of here earlier.”

“They won't because I'm going to mention that in my eulogy.”

“Reb's going to state something too. If anything, it will be out that I take security very seriously. If it had been a bomb, it was easy to see which one it was because that blue stuck out loud amongst all the pink.”

“It did that.”

“Well, are you about ready?”

“Yeah, when you are.”

“What I'm going to do is start the music so people know we've got a few moments before it begins. I'm also going to make an announcement where the rest rooms are and tell people if they need to use them, to please do because once someone leaves, they are welcome to sit in any chairs in the rotunda, or the sitting room upstairs, but entrance will not be afforded to them due to security issues.”

He nodded and I went up and started the music. I made my announcement and a few people gave startled stares. Then, hurried to go to the restroom. Thankfully, there were enough stalls to take care of the rush. I think they knew I meant business after rushing everyone out.

I then went back and told the ushers, Lenny and Lonny not to let anyone in through the doors and to please step inside and lock them. They stood by the door as sentries and I got tears as I looked at them standing so proud. I had to stop a moment and go hug them and tell them how much I missed them and loved them. We made sure the doors were locked and then, I went forward and locked the side door. I began the service by introducing the pastor from their church.

The funeral itself was wonderful. I'm not going into the details, because I think you've got a good idea, but when Reb got up to give his eulogy, He did so with his eye winked and his walk like a pirate. He hit his character voice and everyone gasped. He then stood up and said, “Wendy, Family, Distinguished guest, and fans. I come here today to tell you a story. A story that began back years ago when one little girl wrote a fan letter telling me how I could be a new character and be oh so much better. That person was Wendy.”

He got tears in his eyes and said, “For a lot of people, no one knows what that one woman taught me. She taught me one could reinvent himself and become better than what I was previously. She did so with her business life and she did so by using the character she helped me to develop. A crotchety old fool that hated life and had life hating her. Through it all, she taught lessons and she did it with a no-nonsense attitude. She'd tell you she hated you and she'd tell you she could run your business better than you, but she also got into your head and got you to listen to her. You might've hated her, but by God, you weren't dismissing her because she was a woman.”

He looked down again and said, “Through the years, Wendy wrote me letters. She told me of her family and she told me of her successes and failures. The saddest letter I got was just a few days ago when she told me that by the time I received this letter, she'd be dead. She felt she'd failed her family by not being able to turn off her character and show the human side. She said the edges were blurring and she had to get out of it. She didn't state how, but she said she had to end it before she had more people hating her than she could bear.”

He looked up and said, “She loved you Ty. She said so in this letter. She said, “I'm so proud of him because he gave himself presents I took away from him. He gave himself love where I should have been. And, that boy showed me strength I couldn't even show myself. I love him and I don't know how to show it anymore.”

A murmur went through the audience and then he said, “Gregg, she loved you. She knows your strength and she said she was aware she didn't do you a service by exposing your weaknesses. She too had her flaws and she said she couldn't bear to go on hurting you as she had. Her own words were, I embarrass that boy and publicly humiliate him and he still come over to me and kisses me and tells me loves me before he leaves to go to school.”

The murmuring continued and he said, “Mitch, she gave a discounted effect of what she'd done to you , but she said, “There was a time I couldn't love anyone more. Through the years, I was afraid I'd hurt him the worst because of what I had to become to be a success in this business. People take weakness for failure and I can't even show it to my husband anymore. I've pushed him away all too often I fear, and I can't tell him I love him without jabbing a spear into his heart at the same time. When I've gotten to that point, I've got to get away and go away. I hope people don't hate me, but I really think there's no other way. Your fan until the end, Wendy

When that man finished speaking, open sobbing was evident everywhere. Boxes of tissues were being passed around and I knew I had tears streaming down my face too.

One of the contingent from the brewery got up and came to the side door. She said, “Tell everyone there I'll send the limo back. Tell Mitch business as usual. I've got to go home and apologize to my family. The woman said this with tears in her eyes and as soon as she cleared the door, she really let loose.

We continued with the eulogies, but not many got said that had the effect of what Reb conveyed. The man might have been an actor I never recognized, but he sure gave a performance if what he said wasn't from the heart.

When I got to the point where a count of five couldn't get another eulogist, I went over and made the announcement this ended the service and a private family service would be held at the crematorium

The pallbearers stood and I requested everyone please remain seated until we could get the body taken to the hearse. We did without incident and I chirped the casket into the Escalade.

When I went back inside, I said, “The family will be up by the door greeting everyone and any final memorials can be made through the slot at the lectern I nodded and the boys opened the double doors. I saw the cameras red buttons go off and knew they were down.

When I led the brewery contingent back, I said, “The woman who left said she would send the limo back and to tell Mitch “business as usual” and that she had to go home to her family.”

The others nodded and inwardly, I thought to myself, that bunch is more reserved than a bunch of morticians, but sadly I thought, “If that woman isn't the boss, then she's probably left her job behind.”

I went over and stood by Ty. He turned to me and gave me a huge hug and kiss. He held the hug and said, “Babe, that was wonderful. She'd been so proud.”

Tears came to my eyes because he didn't know it, but every line got crossed in this one and I was wondering if he now thought those lines weren't sacred anymore.

We stood there until the final person that wasn't family went through the door. I locked it and said, “Well, are you guys ready to go? Or, do you want to wait?”

“Mitch came up to me and said, “Let me drive your Escalade and take her up. She'd want that. It will be like our first date...just us alone.”

I gave him a hug and said, “Mitch, that gurney will work if you want to do it alone. Otherwise, the casket will be too much for one.”

He thought for a moment and said, “Ty knows how to do the thing with the casket, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then Ty and Gregg. You two come on.”

Ty looked at me and smiled. Tears sprung into my eyes because their family was going for it's last ride together as they could ever possibly know.

“Guys, they'll ask you if you want to wait for the ashes. Ty, as a member of this funeral home, you can receive the ashes if you wish to wait that long. My advice is to wait until Friday to receive them. It will be too hard otherwise.”

Mitch nodded and said, to Lonny and Lenny, “Boys, I promise you in the future, anywhere I go, you get to go. This one is the only one I'll withhold from you.”

He winked and then went back to the back.

I looked around and after everything, the place looked blank. That's the only word I can use which best describes it. It's like after a party and no one had fun...that sort of blank. It had happened at other funerals, but most of them, I didn't get that feeling anymore. This one up to date, had been a milestone for me and I now knew it'd be hard to top.

The boys came up and I said, “Ok, we've got a few things to discuss and then I've got to know something.”

The looked at me and I said, “This job you did today. Did you think it was gross or too strange?”

“No, It was cool” said Lon.

Lenny smiled and said, “That's all there is to it?”

“Well, no, but that's one part of it. The next part will be putting all these chairs on the racks in which they belong and then, we've got to get out the carts in the basement and start taking the long stemmed roses from the arrangements. What we're doing with them is some are being used for a wedding and others are going to their church and the rest are going to be bundled up into bundles of a dozen and we're going to go to nursing homes and give them to the elderly. If there's any left after that, we'll use them here, but I doubt if we'll use them.”

A knock came at the door and I went to answer it. It was a guy from the brewery contingent. He smiled and asked, “We were wondering if she said how long it would be?”

“No, I've not clue. You're welcome to go upstairs in the sitting room, but all I ask is when we take the chairs down, please be patient because we'll be getting the original furniture back in there.”

“We can help if you'd like?”

“I looked around and said, “Sure, in the garage straight down that hall are the racks for these chairs. It shouldn't be hard if you use the elevator to take the racks which are white up there. If you've not used the bathroom, take a look at that one as it's the best.”

“People outside were talking about the restrooms.”

“They were talking about those. You'll appreciate them and if you ask the maid upstairs, she'll show you the women's as it's just as elegant, but different. Over across the hall up there is the gallery. You should be able to open those double doors and the maid will show you where each piece of furniture goes. You'll be amazed at how fast this place turns back into a funeral home.”

“This was quite a funeral, wasn't it?”

“The biggest one I've ever done.”

“I have one question I need to ask and please tell me if you can't tell me, ok?”

“Sure, let's go get those racks and then I'll speak with you. But, let's go back here so I can get everyone moving. “

He smiled and followed me. When we got to the back, he said, “My question is if you had any phoned excuse from our distributor in Quincy?”

“Not a one. I do know Mitch expected him as they're partners, or so I assume, but I know Mitch hasn't heard a thing.”

“You are close with the family?”

“Yeah,”

“I asked because I noticed you and Mitch hugging and then their son kissing you.”

“If I answer that truthfully, are you going to hold that against them?”

“No, of course not.”

“Ty and I are lovers. He's half owner of this funeral home.”

“Oh man, that had to be hard.”

“Very hard, but I handled the most of it and he helped with what I was comfortable with him handling. There've been patches here that I've never dealt with in a funeral, so if it looked a bit rough around the edges, then please forgive me.”

“No, it was wonderful and this place is awesome. In fact, I know several of my people were all looking at this place and wishing it was closer to the city.”

“Maybe someday, but right now, we're concentrating on getting the new one in Quincy built and then if my brothers show interest, we'll go that route. I think it'd be a challenge to find that amount of space in the city and then, build one that would hold the volume of people I think it'd need.”

He looked at me and said, “How are they going to run the distributorship?”

“You should ask them. But, you asked me and I know enough to tell you first hand. The first thing they're doing is firing everyone . There's embezzlement and double books out there and all I know was it wasn't the owners' doing it but it was upper management. So, when the cow has mad cow, it's better to kill it and start over. What they did in regards to that is they've went to Quincy and hired every driver from a bakery up there. Those guys are familiar with all the same locations basicly as far as convenience stores and grocery. They're not familiar with bars except in ones that have food.

The guys are giving an awesome package that even unionized crews would envy. The way they're doing it is if one gets it from the company, everyone gets it from the company. That's company leased vehicles to drive home to cell phones, and insurance coverage. The guys will wear uniforms that typify the original delivery route drivers from the early days of the brewery and the drivers will immediately be known whatever business they enter.

We still haven't gotten twelve door or twenty door trailers leased or the semis to pull them, but they were hoping to get a heads up on who's the best to lease them from in volume and speed. “

“How many do they need?”

“They were tossing around twenty eight but wanting to split the routes which would make thirty nine.”

“Tell them the company will spot them the trucks because they're going to be getting the entire distribution at Quincy. That man has our condolences, but he's let business slide and his numbers are clearly stated in a memo from Wendy. She's went out and built up business on her own and stated she found sloppy business practices everywhere she turned. She said she invested twenty million in and we're not sure if that's gross or if that's what she paid. We were hoping the family would have the figures.”

“Well, I can help you a bit there. “

He smiled and said, “You know quite a bit.”

“My partner inherited seventy million. His brother inherited that much too. Mitch got screwed, but he did get tangibles like that distribution center. To say there was no love lost for the woman when we started this was an understatement. But, what's strange is I understood her. You might not, but I do because I'm gay.

Here's what I mean. In order to be in business, I have to have things ultra nice so that when people get through judging me, the fact I'm gay doesn't make that much of a difference. Yes, there are still rednecks that think they're pecker dead means more to me than my lover's live one, but I wasn't going to get that business anyway, so who am I fooling?

But, she was the same way as a woman. She inherited it from what I understand and then threw Mitch's offer to share it out. She did it alone all-the-while becoming super cunt to anyone and everyone. That's where she and I differ on business.

With me, I ask people politely the first time, The second time, I asked them if they think they ought to get their arses into gear and the third time, I'm out there doing it myself thinking about who I can get to replace that person.

With her, it might be sexist to say this, but she had to be tougher than even a gay guy because of what she had between her legs making her fight from a disadvantage. She went in like banshee woman and fought using every weakness the opponent showed.“

Now, getting to the answer of that question, she bought that place out there for twelve million. She probably put eight million into the business, but I've not seen the books, so I can't tell you.”

“Tell Mitch, I'll tell that guy up there he's taking it for five million. There's no way I can sit down at the table and negotiate with the guy if one partner paid twelve for half of it and the other sat and didn't do a thing. Then, there's no way I'm going to split the added increase of the worth when I know one partner did the investment and the other didn't. She invested twenty million in a twenty four million dollar company. My sources say twenty five. So, I'll sell the other part of the distributorship to Mitch for that five million.”

“How can you sell the center out from under the guy?”

“It's in the contracts. If we think you're that much of a fuck up, for lack of better terms, and I have to come in, I'm not going to want to jack with you how much the chicken costs. All I want is the eggs to be sold. So, we put that into the contracts. It's all there and legal and none of them don't have it in it. We don't have a distributorship that's older than the nineteen thirties. Before that, the brewery owned road houses which sold the product and those were ran by some very interesting characters. “

“Ok, so tell me this. If I chose to invest in a center, could I?”

“The quick answer is no. The franchises are awarded and it's done in such a way that only family and friends are awarded the new franchises. Those are dependent upon sales. I'll tell you now, the biggest cities aren't the ones that have the biggest sales. That man over in Alton is easily leading the pack. “

“Are you, the brewer, going to have a problem if the family, the distributor do what they're doing over there?”

“I won't have a problem with it, but the federal government will. They have a law that was designed to put the roadhouses out of business. However, what I see as a possibility is an exploitation of you and Ty's relationship. You are just the same as a family member, but you don't have that blood, or legal ties. To me, you're the same as an in-law and that would disqualify you if you dared to make it legal. As long as it's NOT legal, you can be a business with “most favored” status and get the product at a reduced rate.

Now, here's what I'll tell you now, if you do this, you have to have your sales surpassing others who have the “most favored” status. That means you go into competition against them for that status. If you do not surpass their sales, then your wholesale price goes up and the advantage stays with that most favored business. The disadvantage of this is that other business has to have a concession that you as a person will never attempt to compete for that most favored status again. You are banned for life of achieving that sales bonus. However, if they lose that status, then they'll never hold it again.”

“Ok, let me think on this. What businesses can get most favored status?”

“It's hard to state. It might be a grocery store for packaged beer by the can, It might be a liquor store for packaged by the bottle, and it might be a bar that has it by the keg. It's hard to state because I know a place down on the lake that has the keg locked up off their Summer volume. “

“WOW!”

“Yeah, that means he sells that many kegs and it basicly has to beat out the competition three to one for the day because he's operating on a one hundred and ten day season. After that and before that, he's shut.”

“So, what you're saying is to size up the opponent and then see which way is best to take him on. “

“Yeah, My advice is to sell really good food and do like he does and make that profit through the volume, and then undercut the wholesale price of putting the beer out the door. Or, low ball it at cost.”

“So, throw quarter beer nights year long for draft and fifty cent beer nights for bottles and then once it's sewn up, gradually raise the price.”

“No, keep the price where it is and use it as the draw to make up the profit on the food.”

“Oh, but that's exactly opposite of what I've heard the profit is in a bar. I heard sell the food low and the beer high.”

“You can do that and make it back , but it's going to take a while.”

“Well, let me think on it because I'd like to do something like that, but maybe I better stick with funerals.”

He smiled and said, “You do throw a helluva funeral. At first, I saw all the pink flowers and thought,” Oh my god, it's a fucking pink rose explosion!” And then, I saw her and thought, “Wow, she really is a woman! and I bet when she was a little girl, she wanted little girl things like “My Little Princess” and “Barbie”,” but her reputation is such she was referred to as a 'man's bitch'....you know like guys will talk about a manly man being a man's man, that's how they described her.”

I smiled and said, “I can't say she was Mitch's and that's what the shame of it is.”

We got done folding the chairs and putting them on the rack and then began to scoot out the furniture to the sitting room. He said, “Man, this is nice.”

“Yeah, go take a look in those bathrooms if you want to see nice.”

He went in and then came running back out. He said, “Man, that's awesome! Let me go see the ladies and then I've got to run down and get those guys. They'll die.”

He came out and said, “You heated the seats! I saw the gold toilet and said, “I've got to sit on one of those and sat and it was warm!”

He ran downstairs and came running back up with the guys. They took a look at the room and then his excitement insisted they see the restroom. They didn't come out for a while and when they did, they said, “Dude, that bathroom needs to be copied and put into the executive tower at the brewery.”

I smiled and said, “Copy away, but bring me your business when you die.”

The guy I spoke with came over and said, “You don't know who I am, do you?”

“No, I don't. Does it matter?”

“No, it shouldn't if you build friendships the way you do your clientèle'.”

“Good, then I take that as a compliment.”

“It was given as one. That woman that rushed out was my business partner. My name's Pete. “

“Good to meet you Pete. Care to go downstairs and fold some more chairs and then we can sit and talk? “

“Sure, but I'll forewarn you now, they've about gotten everything all done down there.”

“Ok, we'll have the big screens and I'm not sure where I'm putting two. The one is staying in the chapel because it's sound proof and I can listen to my music in there really loud.”

He smiled and said, “You're just an average guy, aren't you?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, I was thinking someplace in there was a guy that's really demented and sick.”

“Oh, you're referring to the Funeral Director part of me. Yeah, I'm average there. I try to give my customers the best bang for their buck and leave it at that.”

“You tell me you run around in here with twenty thousand dollar suits and.....”

“Hold up Pete, this suit isn't twenty grand. I know why you think they are, but I'll tell you I bought about twenty two suits on Monday for that price .”

“What! Where! You gotta tell me!”

“Oh, there a guy I know that works up in Quincy that cuts the suits and sews them himself. He is really talented and he's a great guy. Now, someone like you, I imagine he'd have no problem fitting. He'd probably have you a custom made suit in three hours. His price is around six hundred.”

“Oh man, get me his card. My partner is gonna shit. She thinks I should wear a suit in order to do business. I tell her I don't, but it doesn't make sense to me to pay as much as a house for a suit.”

I gave him Frederique's phone number and said, “We're going up on Tuesday of next week to get ours, you could go with us and get fitted.”

“I will!”

We walked around and Lonny and Lenny were still putting flowers together. When we got near, Lenny said, “Oh hi! We've got the three thousand done up the wedding people wanted and then, we've got six hundred dozen of them for the old people in the nursing homes and we've got all those to do and those out in the back room to do.”

Pete smiled and said, “You recycle the flowers?”

“We donate them to churches, old folks homes, and then, I don't know what else. Guys, would you mind some help and we'll go ahead and put them into the dozens like we are and then, we can take those to the nursing homes in Quincy. I don't know how many we'll have left over, but I bet we can get one nursing home at least over there. At least those old women will smile.”

“You do it to see them smile?”

“Yeah, if you knew our stories, you'd know smiles mean a lot to us.”

He looked at me and said, “You look normal and healthy so what's up?”

Lonny said, “Dude just because someone's normal and healthy don't mean he ain't had a fucked up life.”

“Lon, chill hon, he doesn't know, so don't beat him over the head. He's a friend and he's trying to become a better friend. How about if you put it into a warmer tone and tell him where you came from earlier today and then, maybe he will know.”

Lonny looked at him and said, “Man, we just got out of a foster home. Our parents died and it wasn't until recently Lance could afford to have us. We haven't even seen our new home yet and I'm sure it's going to be nice because Lance wants us to be happy more than he made himself.”

“Thank you Lon, that was a whole lot better.”

Lenny smiled at me and said, “You never introduced your hot friend.”

Pete smirked and I said, “This is my other brother Lenny. He's got hormones that burn like a house on fire. He's gay and as you can see, he's into older guys.” I paused and said, “Guys, this is Pete.”

“Pete what?” asked Lonny.

“Lonny! Why are you being so pushy?”

“Because if I waited on you to get Lenny laid, We'd be old men by now! “

Pete laughed and said, “Guys, My name is Pete Stein.”

“Oh” said Lenny.

“Better try next time.” said Lonny.

“ Guys, don't you think you owe Pete an apology?”

“Why? We had to find out if he was single?”

“Guys!”

Lonny looked up at me and said, “Pete, he thinks we owe you an apology, so we're sorry.”

“That was the sorriest excuse for an apology I've ever heard.” I said, both embarrassed and upset.

Lon looked at me with a really angry look. “Lon, why don't you and Len go upstairs and we'll talk about this later.”

“If you're going to be pissed, we can talk now!” said Lon.

“Lon, listen to me. Go upstairs and we'll talk later. I don't want to speak out of anger and it's not best you do so either. We'll discuss this later when we can do so rationally.”

He looked at me and said, “I don't think I'm going to like living here.”

“Why? Because you think you can say what you want in front of customers and I won't let that happen?”

“You're putting others in front of us.”

“Lon, that will never happen, but you are putting something that wasn't called for in front of us and I don't really care to discuss it now.”

“Len, come on. We'll decide if we want to live here anymore.”

“Lon, that's not an option. We'll work through this, just don't apply so much pressure.”

I went back over to Pete and said, “I”m sorry. They've been in foster care for the past six almost seven years. What you just saw happen wouldn't have happened if they'd had our parents raising them.”

Pete smiled and said, “I understand. Why were they in foster care exactly.”

“Our parents were killed in a plane crash. Because I was under eighteen, I couldn't keep them. Then, a busy body aunt of ours chose to call DFS. Two days after the funeral, before I could get someone responsible to care for us all, they came in and took them. Until early this week, I had no clue where they were. Then, today before the funeral, I got them back. What you're seeing is me dealing with them even though I don't know them.”

“Oh, what are their ages?”

“Lon's fifteen and Len's seventeen. Lon's really outgoing as you can tell and apparently, he's the one who spoke up for them both. Now, he's not the little man anymore and I'm guessing he doesn't like it.”

Pete smiled and said, “For our family, my brothers and I were really spread out. My dad had four wives and four groups of kids. My brother that is left is the oldest. He and I haven't spoken in a long while. He's nearly sixty. There was another brother between he and I who was in his forties and passed away from a boating accident. Then, there's me and I'm forty one. The two youngest and their mother died about fifteen years ago.”

He paused and looked at me. Then continued. “My business partner doesn't trust another soul. I think she ran out of here because she realizes she's got a wife at home that she treats more like a servant than someone she should be intimate with.”

“Me, I was married, but I'll be honest enough to tell you we divorced after a lot of infidelity on her part. It wasn't ideal, but divorce was a better option.”

“Oh man”

“Yeah, on paper, I'm worth billions of dollars but just now, I'm starting to get my life back on track. My younger siblings and their mother dying was really devastating. Now, we've got the company with me running it and I'm trying to get it taken back to privately owned.”

“I understand completely. If something happened between Ty and I, he'd have to be bought out and it'd be a real mess.”

“Why'd you let him buy in?”

“He didn't feel like he was entitled to share anything. Everything was mine and he wasn't committing to the relationship.”

“Oh”

“Yeah, so we did it that way.

 

“Interested in selling beer?”

“No, not really, but there are a few things I think your company could sell which you've not done.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's a history lesson I'm sure you're aware of, but when prohibition happened, your company as did all brewers had to go into other markets. Some went into cheese, some went into malts, yeast, and others went into other forms of liquid beverages as did this company. I'm sure someplace out there, you've still got the recipe for the drinks.”

“I think we do, I'm not sure where, but I remember seeing the bottles on the tour.”

“You have all that bottling capacity and you've got a company name and marketing know how that surpasses most brands. What I'd do is I'd go in and resurrect the drinks and put your name on them.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ok, now bear with me because I'm going from old memories, but the soda pop was the same name as the beer, right?”

“Yeah, but underneath the name was Cherry flavored, Orange flavored, and Grape flavored. I think we had Ginger Ale and we also had Root Beer.”

“You also had near beer and ice cream, cheese, and chocolate malt flavored drinks.”

“Oh yeah, what was the name of the Chocolate flavored one? Man, I should know this because they made it for us every Christmas! Let me think on this.”

“Well, what I'm saying is you've got bottling capacity. You've got distribution and you've got trucks and dealers that could get them into stores. What I'd like to see is you getting back into that market.”

“It'd be neat. I think we could got with clear bottles or we could go with colored plastic that looked like the original glass. One thing I could do is test it through you guys up here and then, we'd see how it would go.”

“No, you're not getting what I'm saying and then, as soon as I tell you, you'll shit.”

“What?”

“Take a look at your markets you can't break into over in the countries that won't let you sell alcohol. Take a look at markets here which won't buy alcohol. Take a look where you'd know a high syrup drink would sell and aim at those...like the Asian markets and the Arabic countries. What I'd do is use a label very similar and use the logo of the Falcon E and you might even do a commercial with the draft horses pulling out a different wagon to promote it.”

“My brewery won't go for that at all, however, they might go for us pulling the beer wagon in front of a bunch of semis all with different painting on them.”

“One thing you could do is go for the water market too and even low calorie flavored waters.”

“It'd have to be a whole other bottling company. But I think we could do that as we're planning on closing four breweries and bringing everything back to the original three.”

“I wouldn't do that.”

“Why not?”

“Labor costs. If you keep those employees on, you're going to be way over what your profit will be initially.”

 

“You're correct.”

“One other thing and that's cola drinks. Not one of your drinks back then was a cola flavored one. I'd go with one that was cola but taste market it so you didn't have one but four to compete with the others. If you attempt just one, the others will hop on it and taste test the hell out of them. If you have four, then they're going to attempt it and everyone will say, 'But hey, that's not the one that even tastes like yours, that's the one that going after Coke, or Pepsi.”

“One thing we're not thinking about here is the cost of shelf space. To get a product off the ground now, it takes billions in payouts just to get the shelf space.”

“Yeah, you're right, but what you're doing is your missing the boat here.”

“What?”

“What's your war chest look like?”

“I can't tell you that.”

“Ok, so I'll guess because I know you've got one. Every company has one in case they've got a buy out offer.”

“Yeah, we have one but that's closely guarded. Not even the board of directors knows that. I know it, my partner knows it, but no one else.”

“Well, I know you've got one because my first lover's family had one and they weren't even in this market.”

“Who are they?”

“Other side of the state, and probably bigger in the billions than you.”

“Really!”

“Yeah”

“Tony wouldn't have happened to be your lover, would he?”

“Yeah”

“Then I know who you are and what happened. My wife was his cousin.”

“Which one?”

“Brook.”

“Oh man, I can see why you're split up. Nose up so high they invented the space shuttle to get her oxygen to her.”

He laughed and said, “Yeah, she's a snob.”

“She's a whole new level of being one of those. Heck, she looks down on the snobs with that little click she ran around with.”

“Yeah, they all married corporate heads and all are split with them.”

“Oh man, how you could afford her, I'll never know.”

“Let's just say she got out of the marriage what she put into it. Very little.”

“How'd you get hooked up with her?”

“It wasn't hard. She is a nice girl when she smiled and turns on the charm, but as fast as the ring went on, the charm got turned back off.”

“Ok, well let's say your war chest is in the billions of dollars.”

“You'd be a little below market on that. It's in the mid hundreds of billions.”

“Ok, so what are your corporate guidelines in regards to the war chest?”

“Man, you know I can't tell you these things!”

“Ok, I know you can spend into it but you've got a set number of years you have to have it repaid.”

“Yeah, you'd be correct. How'd you know this?”

“When Tony's family bought out my stocks in his trust fund, they had to get into their war chest. I know this because he told me about the war chest and I knew what they had on hand. His trust fund was in on the company books as being part of that war chest, so when they had to give it to me, they had to do a lot of finagling.”

“How'd you know what they did?”

“Let's say I had a very good friend that was over there and he had fingers in more pies than you'd imagine. When they were doing all this, they were trying to be discrete, but they had to get board approval. My friend had two people on the board that were reporting to him all their moves. Over one quarter of their stock was in that trust fund and they had to liquidate it without making the company's stock go down.”

“Oh man, that'd be a mess.”

“Yeah, and what you don't know is I sit on that money and don't spend it. It's collected and it's accrued and I figure some day, they're going to need money and I'm going to go in and buy out that company and sit on it like a mama hen. The only requirement I'll have is they can not have a family member sitting on the board.”

He smiled and said, “They really screwed you over didn't they.”

“They killed my parents.”

“Oh man!”

“Yeah, I can point the fingers and I can show you how they did it, but if I told you they actually did it, I'd be telling you something I couldn't directly prove. IF I ever find out the direct proof, believe me, there will be heads rolling.”

“That'd be hard to prove.”

“Yeah, so what I do is I sit and wait patiently and if it doesn't happen in this life, then I know it wasn't meant to be.”

“Why don't you make it happen?”

“If I do that, then I am seen as the aggressor and that'd inflame the war to restart.”