Mechanics 101

 Before Nigel

By Lugnutz

I'm amazed at what my life has become, and what changes have taken place already. And things have just gotten started. Allow me to let you in on my past life.

Where do I start? How about three years ago.

My life, up until that point, was dull, drab, and boring. Not going out much, not having fun, just me hanging out with myself, watching movies, listening to music. I work as a phone sales rep for a high performance warehouse. I love my job, and the people I work with are fun to be around. My life before I had my "awakening" was fairly standard. I did my morning routine, went to work, then went home, sleep and repeat. Pretty basic.

There was always a feeling I had, that I wasn't "right". Girls never did anything for me, and I found my eyes wandering to the male of the species. I never connected what was going on in my head, and the word "gay" until I was in my early twenties. Looking back now though, those feelings I had went back to my early teen years. Girls were fun and all, but I liked hanging out with the boys.

Life, for me was a drab routine, I rarely went out, and my collection of friends was few, I just kept to myself. At work, I was the comedian, able to make anyone’s day a little better by making them laugh at something. I was on a first name basis with most of my clients too. My work life was grand. Little did I knew, my world was going to be turned upside down and inside out.

Who doesn't have a computer? Until three years ago, I never felt the need for one. It was one of those "spur of the moment" things. I had a bug up my ass one day, and said "screw it" and got one, with all the toys, of course. Once the proper internet connection was taken care of, I went surfing. And I did so with a vengeance.

One day, after checking my haunts, those places I visited on a daily basis, I decided to do some exploring. Typing in "Am I Gay". I was barraged with hundreds of pages of, well, trash. Picture sites were the norm. Intriguing, yes. I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for, but I would know when I found it.

Those "top" pages got me almost nowhere, until I stumbled across a story site. I was thinking "They write stories about this stuff??" I started reading some of the notable stories. Most of those were nothing but jerk-off material, totally shallow stuff. But, I saved the site, and then started looking at some of the multi-chapter stories. Some weren’t much better than the one hit wonders, but I found a few that struck a nerve, emotionally. And after reading more of them, that nerve was getting hammered, telling it to "WAKE UP!!"

One thing about me is that I'm not an emotional person, not totally closed off, but close. I never cry, I can get totally pissed off over stuff, but nothing really shows, but the inferno burning inside keeps building.

I'm not sure if lazy can be considered a hobby, but it is something I excel at, outside of work anyway.

I never had a mechanical ability. My mind could comprehend it, but my hands wouldn't follow through with what I wanted to do. Figuring the job I have, I should be a wiz at it, right? I started there when I was seventeen, pushing a broom and pulling orders. It was a start. After a couple years of doing that, my manager asked me if I wanted to take a step up, and work in the showroom, selling parts to the public. Of course I was interested. And I got a nice raise to boot! That was great, talking to the people coming in, pouring over mountains of catalogs looking for the right part they were looking for. It seemed, with service like that, I was getting a lot of repeat/regular customers asking for me, specifically. After over two years of doing that, the owner himself, asked me if I was interested in moving inside, to the offices, where I would be working the phones, and working on national orders. Another raise, of course. I had the same job, but this time, a phone was tattooed to my ear, and a chair attached to my backside.

That brings me to where I started. In front of my computer, at home, alone.

After several months of reading those stories, things were starting to click in my head, but not totally. New emotions were peeking out all the time, but nothing that took a firm hold of me.

I clicked on a link to a new story I’d missed before. It was epic. The first chapter drew me in, and the other thirty, after spending the entire weekend reading them, took my emotions to levels I forgot I had. I laughed, I cried and I sat on the edge of my seat, wondering what would come next. THIS story woke me up; it almost spelled out what was missing in my life. Someone. Someone to care about, someone to care about me.

The entire week at work, after that weekend, I was a basket case, all my emotions were taking me over and I was at their mercy. Half of my week, I had my head in my arms, trying to get this under control. By Wednesday, my boss/the owner, Dave asked me to his office, to see what was happening.

"Darren, is there anything I should know about?" He asked, unsure of how to approach the subject.

"Dave, last weekend was rough." My present condition made this pretty obvious.

"I can tell. Do you want to talk about it?" Dave walked around his desk and closed his office door, and sat in the chair next to me.

"It's been going through my head for months, but it's been in there for a lot longer. It's about me, personally." It started dribbling out of me.

"What's going on, Darren?" His voice expressing genuine concern.

"I'm not sure how to approach this, so I'll say it right off. I'm not straight." There, I said it. Kinda.

"And? I'm sure this isn't all. Just for the record, I could care less WHAT you are, it's WHO you are." He patted my leg, showing his support.

I sat there, dumbfounded for a minute before answering him.

"Thanks Dave, I really appreciate that. Should I go into it a bit?"

"Only if you’re comfortable with it." He adjusted his position in his chair.

"It started with some stories I found online. Most were trash, but a small few went beyond excellent. One, in particular, woke up something in me that has been dormant since I was a kid. As you could tell, I was/am a basket case since then." Wow. Did I actually say all that?

"That was obvious. At least now I have an idea what is going on. I'm not going to get on your case about the work, but it does need to get done, at whatever pace you can manage." He said.

"Thanks again Dave, letting me unload a little, and for listening. I just have to figure out how I can deal with this and move on." I wiped my face with my hands, and then stood up.

"Time will tell, Darren. If you ever need to talk, my door is open to you, anytime." He stood up, and then held out his hand.

"Thanks again, Dave. I might take you up on your offer someday."

With that, we shook hands, and I went back to my desk so I could finish the day, without anymore drama. I just hoped that was the worst of it, I'm not used to all the emotional turmoil.

The next few months went along fairly well. Depression seemed to be the feeling that fit the best. There were good days, but the bad seemed to outnumber the good to a high degree. It was bad enough that most days, I thought about various ways to "take care of it" and be done. Period. Driving too fast and going into a tree sounded just fine to me. This was something I couldn't take much more of. The mental stress was getting unbearable, and something was going to break.

I spent much of my waking hours when not at work in front of my computer, reading. I finally went to the website of my favorite author after a long time of putting it off. What I found there were people, like me. Some going through or had been through what I was now. I found an oasis of sorts, where I could ask questions, answer what I could, and become a part of that community.

I liked that place. I was becoming one of the regulars there. Between messages back and forth to other members there, and phone calls back and forth, I was doing better. The depression was still there, but not taking a hold of me like before.

The months following that were better, but I was still searching, and not finding what I was looking for. I talked with Dave several times since our first talk, and told him what was happening, in my head and my life.

I hit another one of those suicidal times, and I needed a way out, any way.

I was at my desk one day, in a terribly foul mood when Dave came up to me. He didn't look pleased.

"Darren, my office, now." Yup. Definitely not pleased.

I tossed my headset on my desk and followed the boss to his chambers, to discuss my fate. I could've cared less at that point.

"Take a seat Darren, we need to talk." He said as he shut the door, and took the chair next to me.

"What do you want?" I asked with some heat in my voice.

"I want YOU to calm down and relax. Talk to me." He said quietly, but firmly.

"Life sucks." I grumbled out.

"Only if you let it. What’s going on, in your head?" He moved to the edge of his seat.

"I want out, of everything." I said, as a tear rolled down my cheek.

Dave rocked back in his chair after that volley.

"Why? I realize that what is going on in your life is throwing you for a loop but, and I promise this, things will change for the better." He put both of his hands on my shoulders as he said this.

"How can you be sure? I'm just a nobody." I barely croaked out.

"You're NOT a nobody, you see something and you take charge. I've seen it too many times." He's now looking me in the eye.

"That's here, my home life is non-existent."

"Well, we're about to change that. I'm going to throw you a bone." He gets up, and walks behind his desk.

"Huh?"

"Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you two weeks vacation, effective NOW. Paid, of course. I want you to take a trip, drive someplace, and maybe see an old friend, SOMETHING. Just get away, get your head in order. There’s one thing I ask." He says as he fills out some form.

"What’s that?" I asked.

"Call me, let me know how you’re doing." He hands me the completed form, for time off, for two weeks or more if needed.

"Are you sure?" Reality was setting in.

"More than I have ever been about anything. You look good when you’re on your game. I haven't seen that man in many months. I’d like to see him again."

"Okay. I owe you big time for this and I'll do my best." I stated.

"You owe me nothing. You’re one of my favorite people here and I want to keep it like that."

"Thank you, Dave." I actually smiled a real smile for the first time in ages.

With that, we both got up, closing in for a handshake when Dave pulls me in for a hug.

"Now, get out of here. I want to see the real Darren in a couple weeks." He claps me on the back a couple times for emphasis.

I wave and head to my desk, seeing if there is anything I'll be needing. Seeing nothing, I head to the parking lot.

Once I got home I had to take stock. The thoughts going through my head "Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? " a couple from among several things.

A thought came to me in the middle of the night, that I could go see Tom. He lives about 800 miles away. He used to live up here, but moved south a couple years ago. I dug out his number and looked at the clock. Seeing it’s well after midnight; I decide to call him in the morning.

I hardly slept that night, and woke up early. I looked at the clock and said screw it, and picked the phone up. I forgot about the time change though.

"Ummm................hello?" Tom said, sleepily.

"Tom?" Yup, I called too early.

"Yeah.................. is this Darren?" He was starting to wake up at this point.

"Yup, how did you guess?"

"I thought that phone number looked familiar. What can I do ya for?"

"You want some company for a few days? I need to get away for a while, and the boss gave me a paid leave." Giving him the quick run down on the situation.

"I still have to work, but you’re more than welcome to come down. We can talk about the old days and do whatever comes up." Was that excitement in his voice?

"Sounds good. I'll be leaving tomorrow hopefully, and be there probably Monday." I said, practically bouncing on my chair.

We talked for a while about what was going on in our lives, and made some tentative plans for once I got there.

"Great! Keep me posted." He said. He still had to get ready for work.

"Will do. I'm looking forward to this."

"Me too. I'll talk to ya later Darren."

"See ya soon Tom." And I hung up the phone, still smiling.

I'm pumped now. I have a plan; I just have to act on it now.

I turn my apartment upside down looking for things I want to take with me, clothes, camera and stuff. After getting everything packed, I needed to make sure the car was ready.

I decide to take the car in for an oil change and a look over. This is my baby. It's a 1988 BMW 325, 6 cylinder- 5 speed. I love this car and it flat out flies. I got it about two years ago because it looked cool and you just can't beat German engineering. I added some nice wheels and tires for it, but that’s the extent of the modifications.

The car got a clean bill of health and I returned home. I needed some sleep since I was leaving on an 800-plus mile trip bright and early. I got everything set to go, put my bags on the couch and then turned in for the evening.

Today is going to be a great day. I pack everything in the car and head to the gas-n-gulp to fill the tank and get some road munchies. Pop-tarts to start, of course, and a couple bottles of my favorite beverage.

I pop my favorite Ozzy Osbourne CD in, crank the volume and make tracks south. This was going to be a vacation to remember. Only good things happen on vacation, don't they?

I’d never traveled too far out of my area before, so everything I was seeing was great. The mountains, the valleys and even the miles of cornfields held some interest. Going through the occasional metropolis and the gridlock that went with it was slightly unnerving. Crazy drivers, ya know.

When I came upon an accident scene, the highway patrol had the traffic detoured to a state road for a while. I found out that the scenery was better off the interstate. Eh, no problem, I figured. I had time for local scenery.

I must have missed my turn someplace back and I notice it about the time my car starts acting up. I hear a knocking noise from somewhere under the hood that starts off lightly, but gets louder.

"FUCKING GREAT!!!" I yell, as I punched the steering wheel.

All there is around me is cornfields when the car tells me it’s had enough. I coast it to the side of the road and take stock. I'm in the middle of nowhere, my cell is hardly getting a signal and I haven't seen another car in an hour.

I'm screwed.

I see a crossroad just ahead of me with the road names on it, so at least I know where I'm at. I just hoped that the vultures circling overhead weren’t a sign of things to come.

I flip my cell open and call information, getting the number for the tow company in this area. I dial their number, and wait............... and wait.

"Just Passing Thru" The guy finally answers.

"Hi, do you tow?" I have this thing for stating the obvious.

"Yes, we do. Where are you at now?" The guy asked me.

I give him the names from the signs.

"I know the area; I can be there in about a half hour." The driver stated.

"Sounds great. You can't miss me. I'll be the only guy out here in a red BMW that has vultures circling." I had to be funny.

"Hehehe, sounds good. I'll be there shortly."

"Thank you." I hit end and toss the phone on the seat.

Now, here I sit, waiting for my fate to arrive. 

The End