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“No. It’s not worth it.”
“Why not? Why isn’t it worth it? Brian, please be reasonable,” Dr. Sumner pleaded. “The CIA has worked a miracle here. Do you know how many complaints we’ve had about bullying since the club started? One. Do you know how many we had before? An average of four a week, and you know how it is… if four were reported, you can bet that 40 or more occurred.” Seeing she was getting nowhere with me, Dr. Sumner turned to my mother. “Please, Mrs. Kellam. Can’t you help me convince him?”
“I don’t think I can convince Brian of anything,” my mother said with a smile, “but in this case I’ll try.” She turned to me. “Brian, please think about this. What if it was your sister who was getting bullied?”
I whipped my head around to face her. “Dawn is being bullied?”
“Not that I know of, honey, but what if it were? Wouldn’t you want her to have the safety that your group provides? Would that be worth it to you?”
I glared at my mother, but she gazed back unaffected. I didn’t want to put myself in the position of being the spokesman for anything. Her argument, however, was as compelling as it was brief. I would never want my sister to face the type of harassment that had prompted the creation of the Counter-Intimidation Alliance. She knew that my sister’s well-being was a soft spot in my armor, and she had used it deliberately. Still, I couldn’t fault the logic behind their appeal. I had noticed a major shift in the dynamics of the hallways in my school since the CIA had been formed, and it was for the better.
The two women waited quietly while I scowled at the floor. I had been not-so-deftly maneuvered into agreeing to their request. After a long moment of silence, I sighed.
“All right. I’ll do it. But I want it put in my school record, and I want extra credit in social studies or something. And as long as I keep my grades up, I want homework passes for the days I’m out doing presentations. I’ve got to get something out of it.”
Dr. Sumner smiled broadly. “I think we can come to an agreement that will satisfy you, Brian. When will you be ready to do your first presentation?”
I shrugged. “Next week? I’ll need to know what all you want me to do. Do I just sell the idea, or am I going to set up the whole thing at each school?”
“I like the idea of this coming from a student rather than an adult,” the principal said. “Students will listen to one of their peers before they listen to adults. As to the extent of your involvement, I have a meeting with several principals from the area this afternoon. I’ll tell them you have agreed to help us, and we’ll figure out how we want to implement and integrate the CIA into their schools. I’ll meet with you tomorrow and we’ll go over their requests and concerns. Agreed?”
“I guess,” I sighed.
My mom observed me for a moment, and then turned to the other woman. “Dr. Sumner, I’m satisfied with what I’ve heard today. If there are any papers I need to sign for permission, I’ll sign them now.” My mother looked back at me and continued, “Brian can work out the specifics with you. I trust him to do what is right for him.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Kellam,” Dr. Sumner responded as I gaped at my mom.
Since I had returned to Portland from my escapade to visit the Forns in California, the level of trust displayed by my parents through comments and actions had changed by an order of magnitude. My midnight flight in search of help, instead of destroying what little trust I felt we had between us, had grown that trust to a level I had not experienced before. We had talked about the help I needed and where I would get it, but the ultimate decision about where and from whom I would receive treatment had been left to me. Dr. Wilkins had played a major part in those discussions as well and had recommended several colleagues to us. I had chosen a nutritionist and a orthopedist from the same facility Dr. Wilkins worked at, both of whom were extremely helpful in developing a diet and exercise routine that wouldn’t damage my body. The good part about having the buy-off of the different doctors was that I had their authorization to work out as much as I wanted to as long as I followed the guidelines I had been given.
Monday, January 25, 1999, I had my first presentation at Pine Crest High School, the same school Pete and his boyfriend attended. In the three weeks between the time I arrived back in Portland and the presentation, Pete had been over to the farm house several times while I’d been there. Each visit he tried to engage me in conversation about inconsequential things in an effort to be friendly. I sometimes responded to his overtures, but more often than not I retreated to the sanctuary of my room. It felt like Pete was making a genuine effort to repair our friendship, but the memories of the things he’d said and done remained strong. It wouldn’t be easy to get past it all.
I arrived at the school about a half-hour before I was due to speak. I wanted as little chance to run into Pete or any of his friends as possible. However, the first person I saw when I walked in the building was Pete’s erstwhile boyfriend, an omen that did not bode well in my mind. Fortunately, he went about his business, and left me to find my way to the office, where I found Dr. Sumner speaking with an older man and middle-aged woman.
“Hello, Brian,” Dr. Sumner greeted me. “Let me introduce you to Dr. Geary, Pine Crest’s principal,” she indicated the man who offered his hand, “and Dr. Redfort, the head counselor here.” Both adults peered at me, sizing me up. Their scrutiny left me feeling threatened in some way.
I shook their hands and met their gaze steadily. “It’s good to meet you, Dr. Geary, Dr. Redfort.”
“Dr. Sumner tells us you have worked a miracle at your school,” Dr. Redfort said with a smile. “If what she has told us is accurate, and I don’t doubt that it is, you may have started something that will change the way our students experience school altogether.”
“Don’t make more of this than it is,” I responded quietly but forcefully. “It was something that needed to be done. I saw it and I did it. That’s all. The only reason I’m here is because I don’t want my sister to go through what I have, or what any other kid who gets picked on every day goes through.”
“And modest, too,” Dr. Redfort commented with a broad smile. “Make no mistake, Brian, if you can do here what you did at your high school, then you may have started the most important student movement in the nation in the last 20 years.”
“You’re exaggerating,” I accused the woman warily.
“Hardly,” Dr. Geary insisted. “You underestimate the good that your group can do. I hope that it can be transferred successfully.”
After a moment of silence, I asked, “Is there a room I can wait in? I need a few minutes alone.”
“Certainly,” Dr. Redfort answered, gesturing toward a counseling room. “I’ll come get you when homeroom ends and walk with you to the gym.”
I nodded and sat down in a chair. The woman closed the door, leaving me alone. Dr. Sumner glanced through the window and gave me a soft smile and a slight nod, which I returned before resting my head on the table in front of me to wait for the bell releasing the students to the assembly.
Upon entering the gym, I scanned the audience looking for Pete. He was lost in a sea of students that were slowly filing in to take their seats in the stands. After a moment, I stopped looking and concentrated on what I was going to say. I planned on giving a similar address to the one I gave in my own school, hoping that the visual of students being remove from the stands and placed in front of their peers would have the same effect.
A few moments later, Dr. Geary introduced me to the student body of Pine Crest High School, and I began to speak.
“On January 21, 1985, James Kearbey, a 14 year old boy, walked into his high school and killed the principal and three fellow students. After his arrest, he said he was bullied and beaten for years by the three boys he killed and that the principal had done nothing about it.”
I pointed at four people in the front row.
“Will you four please stand to my left?” Once they were in place, I resumed, “Four people dead because of bullying and harassment.”
I continued listing names and dates: Nathan Faris, Nicholas Elliot, Cordell Robb, and the rest, pulling out students from the stands as I did. A low rumble was building with each name called and person added to the line.
“February 2, 1996, a teenager named Toby Sincino walked into his school a week after he was suspended for flipping off a guy that had been bullying him and calling him names. He pulled out a gun, wounded one teacher and killed another.” The next two people in line went to their appropriate place, and once there, I continued, “He then shot himself in the head, killing himself instantly.
I looked over at the next person in line and was shocked to see that it was Pete. His expression was unreadable, and after a slight hesitation, he moved slowly to his place in the group representing people who died due to school shootings.
I continued relating the tragedies that had taken place, and then added people to both the wounded and dead groups for the shootings that could not be absolutely confirmed as having been caused by bullying.
“Take a good look. One hundred and thirty eight people, dead or wounded because some people thought it would be fun to pick on kids that are fat, or gay, or smart, or small, or somehow different. You may have heard about a shooting that happened in Springfield last year. Kip Kinkel, a fifteen year old boy, killed four people and wounded twenty-five more.
“It only took me an hour to look these up on the internet. How many other incidents have occurred? How many others have been wounded, or even killed because of bullying?
“Here are a few questions to ask yourself. Do you feel like you get picked on? Are you called names? Are there people who harass you every day? Do they shove you in the halls? Do they knock your books out of your hands, or trip you in the cafeteria?
“And then there is the flip side. Do you pick on kids that are smaller than you? Do you call other kids names? Do you harass people every day? Do you shove people in the halls? Do you knock other kids’ books out of their hands, or trip them in the lunch room?
“Do you ever think that when you call a kid gay that he might just bring a gun to school the next day and kill you?”
I let the school before me soak in the unsettled, muffled roar coming from the students around me.
“Look around you. Look to your left and to your right. What if the person you’re looking at right now was killed because you pushed someone over the edge so you could have some fun picking on someone? What if the person killed was your best friend, your mom, or your dad, or your sister, or brother? What if it was you that died?
“Thank you, you can sit down now,” I said to the people gathered at my sides. “Now that you know what is at stake, I’ll tell you what you can do about it. I was asked to come here to talk to you about a student organization that we formed at another school in this district. It’s a group that is designed to help minimize the bullying and hazing that happens every day in school, and we call it the Counter-Intimidation Alliance.”
It took me another twenty minutes to explain how the CIA works in broad strokes, including what the group would do to counter the typical tactics of most school bullies, and what would be expected of the school staff. The student body of Pine Crest listened attentively until I finished, and then I handed them over to their principal. I tried to leave the gym before the end of the assembly, but I didn’t make it. Dr. Sumner congratulated me on another “excellent” speech, and she redirected me back to the adults that had just dismissed their students to sign up if they were interested or go to their classes.
Some of the Pine Crest faculty thanked me as they passed, and as the last teacher walked away, I was confronted by Pete’s boyfriend.
“Hi,” he greeted me, his expression neutral. “I’m Ryan.” He didn’t offer his hand, and I did not offer mine. I simply stared at him, trying to keep my emotions in check. “I— uh…” He sighed with frustration and began again. “Look, I know you and Pete have a history. I also know what he’s fighting right now. We split up over it.” He waited for a reaction, and got none. “Look, I really care about Pete. If you care about him at all, you’ll be there for him as a friend.”
“I am there for him, as a friend. Anything above and beyond that is between me and him, and you have no…”
He interrupted, “Yeah, I know it’s none of my business, and I don’t want it to be. When I saw you I wanted to tell you he’s having a hard time right now. That’s all.”
“So why aren’t you going to be there as his friend?” I asked sharply, frowning severely.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s none of your business anyway.”
He turned away without another word and was quickly replaced by other people who had questions about the group. It didn’t surprise me when I found Pete standing before me five minutes later.
“Hi,” he said softly. “Can we talk?”
“You’re going to be late for class,” I answered without inflection.
“I can miss a class or two.”
“All right,” I sighed. “Let me answer these last few questions, and then we can find somewhere.”
I turned to Dr. Sumner, who was looking at us with compassion. “Dr. Geary would like you to drop by before you leave. I’ll see you later on, Brian.”
“Thanks, Dr. Sumner.”
She smiled and walked away, following her colleagues out of the gym. I spoke with the last few students inquiring about the CIA, and then motioned Pete to lead me to somewhere we might speak alone. He led me to a study room in their library.
“Is this okay?” He asked. I looked around and nodded. He signed himself in, and we sat in the small cell-sized room facing one another. “Thanks, Brian.”
“For what?”
“For talking with me. I know you don’t like to, and I know that what I did is the reason.”
“Pete, we’ve talked about this.”
“No, Brian, we really haven’t. We’ve skirted it, talked around it, over it, under it, but never through it, and we need to. You know that and I know that. I know you’re still angry. I know that I deserve that anger. I know that I fucked up royally, and I know that I am totally to blame for everything that went wrong between us.”
“Pete–” I tried to interrupt, but he stopped me.
“Brian, please let me finish. After I got my head out of my ass and figured out what actually happened between us, it killed me. It still does. I can’t believe that I treated you as badly as I did, and that I made you feel as bad as you do. You were right all along. I was running scared, and rather than deal with what had happened, I kept running, and ended up throwing away the best thing I have ever had in my life: you.
“After Curt got arrested, it really hit me. I can’t run away from this. It’s going to stay with me no matter what, and if I ignore it, I won’t ever be able to have what I want. I won’t be able to be happy. And I won’t ever get a chance to be with you again, which is what I would like, eventually. I say eventually, because I know you can’t forgive me for everything just like that. I wouldn’t want you to.”
I watched him struggle with what he was going to say next.
“If anything ever showed me that I was in the wrong, it’s what you did today. That speech you gave. You made what you said today real for everyone. And I tried to get in the way of that. Brian, you have so much to give, and I had no right to try to keep you back.”
Pete put his hand over my heart. “I had no right to ask you to change who you are inside, and now that I can see things for what they really are, I don’t want you to. The strength you show– the power within you is what makes you who you are, and I wanted–” He put his hands together in front of him on the table, and unconsciously rubbed at his thumbnail as he continued.
“Brian, in spite of everything that has happened, in spite of everything that I have said and done, I do love you. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I love you more now than I did before.” Dropping his eyes to his hands, he whispered, “I didn’t realize how much until you were gone, until I needed the strength you give me just by being around me.”
The rumbling of the ventilation filled the small room as we sat, neither of us speaking.
“You know what I’m dealing with now. Curt. What he did to me,” Pete continued without looking up. “I’m doing okay with it… sort of.” He raised his eyes to meet mine. “I don’t have a right to ask you for anything. I know that, and I want you to know that, too. But… do you think you could find it in your heart to help me through this? To help me be strong? To be my friend?” He dropped his eyes, and then I saw a tear drop into his lap. “I’m alone, and I know that I did this to myself, but god, Brian, I’m so sorry. I just want… I need to know that you don’t hate me. Please?”
As Pete spoke, I thought about everything that I had been through since he had abandoned me the day of the fateful fight. He had walked away, emotionally brutalized me, physically assaulted me, and tormented me whether he was around or away. In that time, I had been emotionally unbalanced and physically ill. I had returned to my obsession with physical exercise, using it to numb the pain I was in due to my estrangement from Pete.
Now here he was, asking me to forgive him and be his friend. I didn’t know if I could do that for him. If I was going to be his friend, I knew that I would want more than that. The question I had to ask myself was whether or not I could ask him for what I really wanted given all that had passed between us. I needed to know if he could deal with being out, not just as being gay, but being gay with a partner, and not trying to hide how we felt about each other. I was out, and I knew I wouldn’t be hiding anymore, so I asked him the question.
“What about being out?”
“I’m out, Brian. I’m out and there is no going back.”
“What about being out… with me?” It was a statement.
“Brian, I’m out, and I’m alone. But, I’d rather be out with you… if you’ll forgive me and let me into your life again. I need you in mine… but I understand if you say no.”
I looked deeply into his eyes. The thirteen-year-old boy he was when he first came out to me behind the bleacher seats was there, peering out at me, afraid that I would reject him. The fifteen-year-old young man he was when we were reunited peered out at me, afraid that I would tell him that I didn’t want to be with him. In front of them, and yet submerged in them, was the seventeen year old man in front of me, afraid I would tell him that the love we had between us was dead.
“Are you sure?” I asked softly. “I can’t change who I am.”
“Brian, I need who you are. I need your strength. I need your courage and I need your hard-headedness. I need you!”
He shook his head and looked away. “Dammit. I didn’t want to put any pressure on you. I’ve done enough of that and it’s not fair. I want you to make your decision based on what you want, not what I need.”
“What happens if I say no?”
“If you say no, then I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want. I won’t talk to you unless we’re in the same place, and then only if you start it. It will kill me, but I won’t bother you any more.”
“And if I say yes?”
His eyes reconnected with mine. “Then I’ll be the happiest person on the planet. I’ll try not to push you— I’ll let you control how far and how fast we move. If you decide that a friendship is all you want, then I’ll live with it.”
“And if I want more?”
“That will be your decision completely.” His voice dropped to a murmur. “I know I don’t deserve to be with you, and if you decide you want more, I’ll get down on my knees every night and pray to God that I don’t fuck it up again.”
Pete’s eyes met mine for a long moment and then he looked away. I continued to examine him until he began to fidget in his seat. He glanced back up for an instant and then dropped his eyes again, blinking furiously. Tears leaked from his eyes and fell from his face. His breathing stuttered, and then continued in a ragged rhythm that was an obvious precursor to outright crying. Pete was breaking down in front of me.
He shut his eyes tightly and struggled to control himself with a minimum of success. He sobbed once and inhaled sharply, fighting to prevent any further displays of what he considered weakness. I silently got up and moved to stand beside him. He was unaware of my shift in position. I knelt beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped at my touch, turning to pull his shoulder away from my hand, which opened his body to me. His liquid blue eyes opened and searched my face. His mouth opened and closed wordlessly for a moment until he found his voice.
“Brian, I am so fucking sor….”
Pete’s words were cut off as my lips contacted his, and I kissed him softly for a long moment before pulling away.
“Hush,” I whispered as I brushed his hair out of his eyes, and I kissed him gently once more. “You’ve said all you need to say, except for one thing.” Confusion and fear filled Pete’s expression, and I gave him a lopsided grin to set him at ease. “When you figure it out, I’ll let you know.”
He looked at me, eyes shifting from side to side as his mind raced for what he could have possibly forgotten, and then his face blossomed into a broad smile.
With his entire heart behind his voice, he said, “I love you, Bri.”
After a moment of silence, he said, “I should let you go. You probably have stuff to do.”
“You, too,” I observed.
“Homework is all.”
“Yeah, I’ll have some too.”
I glanced out the window into the main library, and then looked back to him. “Can you come over tonight? We should talk some more.”
“I’d like that,” he answered.
“I’ll try to get my homework done before you come over so we can talk without having to worry about it.”
“Sounds good. I’ll do the same.”
I let my expression harden. “Pete, this is a good start, but you have a long way to go before I’ll trust you enough to really open up. I can’t simply put it all behind and pretend that it didn’t happen.”
“I don’t want you to, Brian,” Pete asserted. “I want you to test me. I want you to be sure that I mean it when I tell you I’m sorry for everything that happened, and that I mean it when I say that I want to be with you again, and I mean it when I tell you I love you.”
“I can’t promise anything, Pete. It’s too early.”
“I’m only asking you to promise one thing: give me a chance to prove myself to you again as a friend. If more happens… all I want is a chance, Bri.”
I stood and stared into his eyes for a moment, resisting the urge to fall into his arms. Half of me wanted to do just that and forget all the agony he had put me through. The other half wanted to walk out on his audacious request, write him off entirely, and get on with my life, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live my life without at least giving him the chance to prove himself.
When the silence had grown uncomfortable for both of us, I gave him his answer.
“I’ll see you tonight?”
His smile lit up my soul. “I’ll be there.”
We sat in my bedroom on the bed with our backs against the headboard as we talked. Our hands rested comfortably beside each other without actually touching, but I could feel the warmth of his skin on mine.
“I think I need to finish out the year at Pine Crest, Bri,” Pete said in response to my question. “You should stay where you are as well.”
“Why not come back and go to school with me, Pete?” I asked, somewhat nonplussed.
“There will be too many distractions, and I’m not just talking about you,” he replied. “Think about it for a minute. How many people know I left to go to another school? How many know why?”
“Just a few know why. What’s your point?”
“Just think how they would feel about what happened and what it would be like for me to be around them, and them around me. The tension would be too much and would get in the way.”
“Yeah,” I agreed unwillingly. “It would be the same if I went to Pine Crest, too.”
“Yes. Ryan and my other friends go there, and you aren’t exactly number one in their book.”
“Speaking of whom…”
“What do you want to know, Bri?” Pete inquired hesitantly
“Did he get in your pants?” I asked in a deceptively casual tone, watching him for a reaction.
Pete swallowed hard, met my gaze and replied, “We kissed, and there was some petting. We never got naked together. We didn’t really make out a lot. He knows about what happened and why I left you. He was fine with holding me, or being held. He didn’t want to push me into anything.”
“You never touched his dick?”
Pete looked away from me and at the floor. “Only through his clothes.”
“Oh.”
Neither of us spoke for a short while, letting the truth of the situation soak in. I knew that Pete deserved to know what happened between me and Chris as well.
“When I went down to California,” I began, “Chris and I spent a lot of time together, working out and talking. One of the things we talked about was how I feel about my body. I told him that I think I’m too heavy and out of proportion.”
“You still feel that way?” Pete asked.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Brian, your body is fantastic!”
“I know. That’s one of the things that Chris helped me understand: what I see is not accurate. I have to depend on others to give me a real idea of what I look like.”
“I’m glad you have that insight into yourself,” Pete said. I was quiet for a moment, and he caught on. “You and Chris?”
“Sort of. We were lifting weights in the weight room wearing the same type of shorts I wear here and when I run.”
“Skimpy and thin?”
“Yeah. Chris said the only way I could get an objective opinion was to look at my body from his perspective, so he suggested going through my body one muscle at a time.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Pete commented.
“He had me pose, and then examined me at close range, feeling the muscles for density and tone. Nothing scientific, but it helps get an idea of what is happening in the different groups.”
“Ah.”
“When he got to my abdominals, his touch gave me an erection. It just happened, not because what we were doing was sexual at all. Well, what it came down to was that Chris and I kissed. I mean really kissed.” When Pete said nothing, I continued, “It was that kiss that told us both that we would never make it as lovers. The funny thing is that as the examination went on, we both kept getting erections. When it would happen, we’d call a 10 minute break and jerk off– separately in different rooms– before continuing with the exam.
“All we did was kiss, and we knew it wasn’t going to happen between us. He and I have something that goes beyond brotherhood, Pete. I love him, and he loves me, but it’s a platonic, familial love, not a romantic love. When we tell each other we love one another, we both know exactly what that means. There is no sexual tension, because sex just isn’t a possibility as far as we are both concerned.
“I wanted you to know that it happened since you’re sharing the truth of your relationship with Ryan with me.”
Pete’s voice became low and serious. “Brian, I have nothing to gain by lying to you at this point. If our friendship, much less our relationship, is going to thrive, or even survive, we have to be honest with each other even if it will hurt.” I opened my mouth to reply but Pete overrode me. “That wasn’t an accusation at all. I trust completely that you told me exactly what happened between you and Chris. What I was trying to say is that, even though you have no reason to believe this, I’m telling you everything.”
“Will you tell me what happened with Curt?”
Pete looked away for a moment, and then looked back at me.
“The first time it happened, I had no idea he would go beyond just calling me names. I got home one day and he was sitting on the couch peeling an apple with a knife.” He shook his head. “This is so cliché that it isn’t even funny. He took that knife and put it to my throat, and then told me to suck him off, and that he’d cut off my balls if I so much as nibbled.
“You have to understand, Brian,” Pete cried softly, “I didn’t want to do it!”
“Pete, I know that. I know that you never wanted to do anything with him. I would never blame you for that.”
“When he was done, he told me that if I told anyone, he’d make me watch as he killed my mom.” Pete sighed with disgust. “I hated her, and he was still able to use that to keep me quiet. He also told me that if I told, after he killed her, he would tie me up and…”
I put my hand on his knee. “Pete, stop. You don’t have to say any more. Your willingness to tell me says more than anything. I don’t want you to relive it.”
“But Brian, I want you to know everything! Not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but so I don’t have any more secrets. That’s what killed me. I had to keep what Curt did to me secret. I felt like I had to keep us a secret… I can’t live like that any more!”
“I don’t want to live like that either Pete, but like I said, your willingness to tell me is enough for now. I want you to tell me because you feel like the time is right, and you are ready to tell me, not because you feel like you have to because I’ll hold it against you.”
Pete searched my face for the sincerity of my words, and when he found it, he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder. I put my arm around him as he wept for a short while. When he felt like he was done, he sat back up and wiped his eyes.
“Thanks, Bri. Thanks for listening, and understanding. I promise, one day I’ll tell you everything I remember about Curt if you want to hear it. It’s just so hard to talk about.
“I know you’ll tell me when the time is right for you. Don’t worry about that.”
“Do you know that I thought Ryan was you when I first saw him? So did Dad.”
“Yeah, he does look a lot like me, but without the build.”
He’s not a bad guy,” Pete said quietly. “He is comfortable with who he is and knows what he wants.”
“He abandoned you when he found out you were abused!” I replied with heat. “That isn’t what a real friend would do.”
“He’s idealistic. I think he wanted the perfect boyfriend, and my baggage was dragging him down.”
“Well, whatever.” I snorted. “When I saw you two at that party, Terry had invited me to go out and have some fun. He even managed to get my mom to lift my restriction so he could take me.”
“Your mom let you off the hook?”
“Not really… it was like time off for good behavior. Anyway, Terry and Mom were talking behind my back, not to be mean, but I think they both wanted to help me somehow. I was an ass and took it the wrong way and got angry with Terry on the way there, accusing him of conspiring against me.” I snorted again. “He got me sprung and I accuse him of conspiracy. I still owe him an apology for that.
“Anyway, I get to the party in a pissy mood. Terry is giving me the cold shoulder that I deserved, and I decide that I’m going to have a beer.
“You?” Pete’s surprise was clear in his tone.
“Yeah. It gets better. I saw you and Ryan across the room. You had your arms around him like it was no big deal.”
“Brian, you have no idea how embarrassed I am that… I was able to be like that with him and not with you.”
“What changed your view on being out?”
“Finish your thought, and then I’ll tell you.”
I shrugged. “Okay. I see you guys and I get really mad. That’s when I came over and yelled at you, and Ryan got his queen act on. Isn’t he a bit effeminate for you?”
“Ryan? He’s not all that femme. Just in certain situations.”
“Oh. So after I go off on you, I go looking for Terry to take me home. He’s still pissed off and basically tells me to go fuck myself– and I don’t blame him. I tell him I’ll walk and he tries to say something, only I don’t let him. On the way out the door, I grab a couple six-packs of beer on the way out and drink them on the way home. Ray must have heard me or something, because he met me outside the kitchen door. He then took me to the barn so I could puke, and then he got me in bed.”
“Wow. You got drunk that night, huh? Damn. I’m sorry, Brian. I was stupid.”
I looked at him for a moment, and then said, “I know you’re sorry, and yeah, maybe you were stupid, but both of us did stuff that neither of us is proud of. That same night, Ray slept in my bed. He stayed with me because I needed him there. Nothing happened.”
Pete nodded understanding. “I left a few minutes after you made your exit. I think your turning your back on me and walking out like that was the hardest thing. Ryan offered to go with me, but I told him I needed the time alone.
“The next morning, my dad came over to the apartment and blasted me for being at the party in the first place, especially because of the alcohol. He also made me realize for the first time that I wasn’t handling our breakup real well. It was a little bit later that the memories of what Curt did to me really started surfacing. The day before Thanksgiving, I went over to Ryan’s place to talk to him, and he told me he was sorry, but he couldn’t… how did he put it? He said something to the effect of me being important, but he was just as important, and he didn’t want to put himself in a situation he couldn’t control.”
“Like the abuse?”
“Yeah, like that. I don’t know everything that Curt did to me, and I was really falling apart. He didn’t want to follow me down. I don’t blame him.”
I forced myself to ask the next question. “Do you still love him?”
Pete answered without hesitation. “I care for Ryan a great deal, but I no, I don’t love him. Ryan is too naïve for his own good, and as I said before, he wants a perfect package with a neat little bow on top. I don’t think he can handle the rougher parts of life. Not like you can. I was drawn to him because he looked like you, but there is no way he and I would have worked. I need more than he is able to give.”
He looked at me again. “Brian, with you it’s more than just your looks, or your body, which make you one hell of a great catch for anyone. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m going to say. I am extremely attracted to you on a physical level, but even more than that is your mind and personality...”
“Yeah, right,” I interjected sarcastically, “my charming personality.”
“You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met,” Pete said earnestly. “On top of that, you are one of the most determined people I have ever met. If you were in a wheelchair or disfigured, scarred… if something happened to your body, it wouldn’t matter to me, because it is who you are that is important to me. You have strengths that I don’t, and that is what makes you so sexy. And to tell you the truth, I don’t think that I’d ever find anyone else like you in the whole world. No one would come close.”
“Now you’re laying it on thick,” I said with a smile.
“Brian, what did I say about being truthful? I’m not laying it on. I’m telling you what I see as the truth. You complete me. I just hope that you’ll give me the chance to repair what I broke when I ran out on you and said all that hateful stuff to you.”
I pondered Pete’s words for a long moment, staring into my closet at nothing in particular. Pete shifted uncomfortably as I thought, no doubt worried that I was going to tell him to leave. I was trying to reconcile my anger and emotional turmoil he had caused me over the past several months with his now forceful request for the chance to make amends for his words and deeds.
Pete started to get up, taking my silence as a rejection, but I grabbed his hand before he could get away. He studied me as I gazed back at him, and then with a quiet sigh, he sat back against the headboard. We stay there together in silence, the gentle joining of our hands the first step to what we both hoped would be a rekindling of what we had before.