The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Twenty -Six

Hangover

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A groan inched its way through my throat and into the still air. A pounding headache and a queasy stomach informed me of my return to the land of the living. An arm was wrapped around me from behind, and a body lay close to me. I could feel an erection pressing against my rear end as the person behind me continued to sleep. I turned to look at who was with me and found Ray sleeping peacefully.

The events of the night prior were hazy memories that I did not want to reclaim. The confrontation with Pete was unclear in my mind, and I preferred it that way. There was no pain associated with it other than a dull ache in the pit of my stomach.

The need for the bathroom prompted me to slip out of bed and across the hall, where I relieved myself at length. I washed my hands and splashed water onto my face before looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes were dull, whether from a hangover or something else I couldn’t tell. My skin tone held an unhealthy pallor, and my expression was emotionless.

Shaking my head, I opened the door startling my mother. She jumped back with a gasp.

“Brian Andrew Kellam! Don’t scare me like that!”

“Sorry,” I mumbled as I walked past her and back toward my room, hoping she wouldn’t smell the beer on me.

“Brian? Why aren’t you at Terry’s?” She asked.

“There was a change of plan,” I replied without turning around, my voice a colorless monotone.

“Honey, are you okay? Is there something wrong?”

Her concern came through clearly in her words. I stopped walking and faced her, wanting to rage at her for asking such a stupid, pointless question. Of course there was something wrong! I wanted to yell. I just saw Pete holding another guy in his arms!

The anger and frustration drained away, leaving in its place an upwelling of pain. My eyes began to tear up, and there was a catch in my throat. I was about to break down in front of my mother, but I caught myself, forcing back the emotional wave that threatened to overwhelm me. I instead stepped up to her and hugged her.

“I’ll be okay, Mom. I just need some time.”

“Brian,” she asked, “what happened last night? Why are you home instead of with Terry?”

I debated for an instant on what to say before releasing her.

“Terry and I went over to this guy’s house last night. Pete was there.”

“I see,” she said after a moment’s pause. “Did you talk to him?”

I swallowed. “Yeah. He… he wasn’t alone. Look, mom, I’m still tired and I want to go back to sleep, okay? I’m not feeling the best.”

She peered at me closely before pulling me back into her embrace. “Okay, hon. Sleep as long as you want.”

“Thanks, mom.”

I went back into my room and got back into bed, and after a slight hesitation, snuggled up to Ray.

“Hey. How you feeling?” He asked groggily.

“Fine. Let’s go back to sleep, okay?” I turned onto my side facing the wall, and closed my eyes.

Ray spooned up to me and put his arm around my stomach, pulling us together. “Is this okay?” He asked quietly.

I didn’t reply, but instead put my arm over his. We drifted off to sleep.

“Brian, wake up.”

I groaned and looked at the clock. Ten after two. It was then I realized that Ray was no longer with me in the room, and Kevin was sitting next to me in the desk chair. I let my head fall back to the pillow and closed my eyes against the pounding headache.

At least I’m not sick to my stomach, I thought.

“Brian, we need to talk about last night,” Kevin said in a mercifully quiet voice.

“Do we have to do it now?” I asked plaintively. “My head is killing me.”

“Yeah, I think we do. Ray told me what happened last night, or at least what he says happened. And yes, I know you had a few beers last night.” The ironic sarcasm was thick in his voice. A quick glance revealed a hint of humor in his expression. “I trust we don’t need to discuss the drinking?”

“Are you going to tell my mom?”

“I have, but I also told her that we would deal with it. I don’t think you’ll get off without punishment, though. Your mom was quite angry when she found out.”

I grunted. “What else is new.”

“Tell me what happened last night. Don’t leave anything out.”

I sighed again. “What do you want to know?”

“Start with going over to Terry’s house.”

“Okay. Mom decided to lift my restriction for some reason. She wouldn’t tell me her reasons. I packed up my things to stay overnight, and mom took me over to Terry’s house. Terry then told me we were going to a party that he knew about. On the way, we had an argument about him working against me with mom. It was stupid, and I got pissed and wouldn’t let Terry explain what was actually going on.” I sighed again and let my voice drop. “It was my fault. Everything is my fault.”

“I don’t want to go there just yet, Brian,” Kevin stated with an upraised hand. “We’ll talk about fault later. Right now, I want to know what else happened.”

“We got to the party and went our separate ways. I… uh… had a beer and wandered around for a few minutes, until I saw Pete. He has a new friend. A new boyfriend. I saw them hug, and Pete gave him a kiss on the cheek.” I looked at Kevin for a moment and then dropped my eyes. “The guy looked a lot like me.”

“What happened then, Brian?” Kevin asked gently.

“I got really angry and got in his face. Called him a hypocrite, and a bastard. His boyfriend tried to interrupt, but I told him to butt out. Then his other friends came over and threatened to kick me out. I brushed them off and left Pete where he was. I asked Terry for a ride home and he told me no… not that I blame him… so I left on my own.”

“And how did you get drunk?”

“I took some beer with me when I left, and drank it on the way back. I stopped somewhere and sat for a while trying to think, but I couldn’t really concentrate.” My eyes watered, and I lowered my head as I continued. “I finished off the beer and walked the rest of the way home. Ray found me and brought me in to clean me up, and then slept with me when I asked him to. I didn’t want to be alone.”

I was struggling to keep my emotions under control, but I wasn’t having a lot of success. Seeing Pete kiss Ryan the night before had hurt so much. I had thought I had settled everything, that I was really moving on, but seeing that kiss….

“Is that all, Brian? Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

I sniffed mightily and regretted it when my head started pounding again. I shook my head gently, and then looked at Kevin again with tears in my eyes.

“Why does it have to hurt so much?”

Kevin sat next to me on the bed, and I fell into him. He hugged me tightly to him.

“I don’t know, Bri. I really don’t know.”

Kevin held me there as I cried. I didn’t try to stop it. I didn’t try to hide it. I just let it happen.

Monday came. I was dreading the confrontation that I knew was waiting for me at school. I owed Terry an apology for the way I behaved toward him, and he had no reason in the world to accept it. I’m sure he had told Tomas about the altercation, and that meant I owed him an apology too for letting them both down.

A shower did nothing to remove the grime covering my body. The filth was a result of my guilt, and soap and water couldn’t do anything about it. I finished quickly, noting that my stomach was unsettled as I dried my body afterwards. Breakfast sounded completely unappealing, so I drank a glass of orange juice before mom drove us to school. My stomach grew increasingly restless as we got closer, anticipating speaking to Terry.

“Brian, don’t forget you have an appointment with Will today. I’ll be here at noon,” my mother reminded me as I got out of the car. “We’ll talk about what we’re going to do about your drinking after we see him.” I acknowledged her with a grunt and shut the door, not daring to speak as my stomach threatened to heave. Mom pulled away as I walked toward the school at a quick pace with Ray following me.

“Brian, are you okay?” He inquired in a concerned tone.

I nodded.

“Are you sure?”

Deciding to chance it, I replied, “I’m fine, Ray. Just nervous. I have to talk to Terry before class starts.”

“You don’t look so hot. You’re pale. And you’re shaking!”

“Don’t do this, Ray,” I pleaded coolly. “Not now.”

Ray eyed me suspiciously as I looked at him. After a long few seconds, I turned away and marched toward the caf, steeling myself to meet Terry. Ray followed behind, his eyes drilling into my skull.

Terry and Tomas were sitting at the table as usual, along with a number of other people, including Will Beck. He hadn’t spoken to me since I outed myself. His presence made me sigh internally, but I figured I owed him an apology too, even if he wouldn’t hear it. Maybe he would hear what I was saying to Terry and Tomas and take it as an apology to himself by proxy.

Everyone at the table looked at me as I stopped at the end, their eyes either neutral or wary. Terry and Tomas watched me curiously with cold expressions.

“I have something to say and then I’ll leave you alone. It will only take a minute. Please?”

They shared a glance and looked at me again, eyes intent. I certainly had the whole table’s attention that point.

“Terry, what happened Saturday night was inexcusable. I was way out of line, and I want to tell you I know that, and I want to apologize for being such a fuck-up. You were doing what you thought was right. You were trying to be a friend, and I shit on it. I’m sorry. Tomas, I owe you an apology, too. You may not have been there, but I’m sure Terry told you what happened. I won’t make excuses; I screwed up. I’m sorry for any grief that may have caused either or both of you.” I paused just a moment, and then continued, “I apologize to all of you for what ever I may have done...” I let my eyes meet Beck’s. “…or not done. I know it’s not much, but right now it’s all I have.”

I made eye contact with every person there for a few seconds each, and then pivoted to make my retreat. I caught Ray’s gaze on the way out, his expression dismayed. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As I passed him, I placed my hand on his shoulder and squeezed, murmuring, “I’m sorry, Ray.”

The bathroom across the hall almost wasn’t close enough. I raced inside to a stall, bowling over someone in the process before vomiting the orange juice and the remains of the protein shake I’d had the night before. Someone hit me from behind as I finished, forcing my chin into the rim of the toilet. I turned, but another spasm struck, doubling me over before I could see who had hit me. I did the best I could to protect myself from another blow that hit my back over my right kidney. I dropped to my knees, and then fell sideways, hitting my head on the stall wall before blacking out.

“Brian, can you hear me?” The voice was quiet but insistent, echoing as though in a tunnel. “Brian, c’mon bro. I know you can hear me.”

Lying on the ground in the fetal position, a groan escaped my lips. I felt like I had been kicked in the balls. “What happened?”

Tomas answered. “You ran over Lee Krogh, and then you threw up. He jumped you. No, don’t get up, Brian. The nurse is on the way.”

Gritting my teeth, I sat up, heedless of the excruciating pain. “I’m not lying on the bathroom floor!” Three pair of hands reached out to steady me as I struggled to my knees. “Easy, Brian. We don’t know what he did to you before we got in here.”

“He hit me.” I lifted a hand to my chin, finding no blood. “He hit me in the back of the head, and then rabbit punched me. I hit the stall divider and blacked out.”

“That’s when we got here, when you hit the floor,” Terry said, with Ray cursing under his breath in the background. “You weren’t out even fifteen seconds.”

“That fucking coward,” Ray hissed. “He didn’t even stay to get his fucking ass kicked!”

“Ray, it’s okay,” I tried to placate him. “It was my fault. I hit him when I came in.”

“It is not okay, Brian! That fucker hit you while you were puking your guts out!”

“Ray, leave it alone!” I growled through the now-receding pain. “It was my fault. I don’t need you starting a fight when I’m trying to avoid one.” I glared at him until he averted eyes.

“Fuck this.” Ray stomped out of the bathroom, grumbling as he went.

“He’s right, Brian,” Tomas said softly. “He shouldn’t have hit you like that. Not when you were down.”

I looked at Tomas and stole a quick glance at Terry to assess their mood. Both seemed worried and angry.

“Guys, I’m not going to start a war. I already did that once, and not too long ago, either. Remember?”

“This isn’t the same, Brian–” Terry began.

“You’re right, it isn’t,” I interrupted. “I started this. Not them. I ran Krogh over. I hit first.”

Tomas said, “Brian….”

I held up my hand. “I’ve made up my mind, guys. Please don’t fight me on this.”

Terry and Tomas traded glances.

“Brian, you can be such an obstinate ass, you know that?” Terry demanded.

“Yeah, I know it. What’s your point?”

“Coming in!” Came a voice from the hall. The school nurse charged in, and conversation ended for the moment.

“How are you feeling now, Brian,” Will asked as I sat down in the corner chair in his office.

“Doing okay.” I replied somberly, staring out at the rain through the window behind his desk. “It’s not like I have a choice to not be okay.”

After a pause, Will stated, “Brian, you’re smart enough to realize I’m not just going to let that statement slide. Care to explain what you meant by that?”

“Not really, but I know you’re not going to accept that.”

“You’re right. I’m not,” Will said with a grin. “Tell me what happened at school yesterday.”

I sighed and looked out at the dead leaves lazily blowing past the window behind Will’s desk. Even when I went through the efforts to prevent problems it seemed that more kept cropping up all around me. The latest run in with Krogh was my fault, and I’d freaked my mom out when she got the call that they were taking me to the emergency room as a precaution when the nurse found out I’d both hit my head and been hit over my kidney. She insisted on following the doctor’s recommendation of staying in the hospital over night to make sure that my kidney was working the way it was supposed to, even though I wanted nothing more than to go home. I hated the hospital. Every time I went to one, something bad had happened, and it was usually because of something stupid I had done, and this time was no exception.

“I screwed up with Terry when he tried to do something nice for me last weekend. He got my mom to reduce my sentence and took me to a party. I was convinced that he was working with my mom. Working against me, I mean. Looking at it now I can’t figure out why I would have thought that.”

“I don’t think that’s true, Brian,” Will observed.

I looked in his eyes and then looked back out the window. “Why does it feel like the world is out to get me, Will?”

“What do you mean, Brian?”

I let his question go unanswered for the moment, taking the time to sort out my thoughts. Will understood this and let the room settle into near silence. The leaves passed the window in a random, chaotic tempo, sometimes quickly, and other times lingering in sight for several seconds at a time. The timing echoed how I saw my life at that moment; how nothing was predictable even when I changed things in an attempt to make it so. I felt so much like the leaves, being tossed around by a force I could not hope to resist.

“Maybe I’m trying too hard,” I murmured at last.

“In what way?”

“Nothing I do seems to make my life any easier. Either I’m screwing up with my friends, or with my mom.”

“Or with Pete?”

I sighed again. “That’s over. But yeah. That’s the biggest one.” I glanced back at Will, a question formed in my mind. “Do you think I have a bad attitude?”

“Toward whom or what?”

“Life.”

“You’ve had some serious blows in your life, Brian. You’re only sixteen- still a boy. Think about what you have seen, though,” Will began.

“Your parents betrayed you…”

“They did what they thought was best. I know that now.”

“But you didn’t realize that then, which is why you lived with your friend Chris for over two years. It left a scar, even if you see the why of it now. You were abused by your peers from an early age, and even when you built your body to the point where you shouldn’t have had to worry about the hazing, you continued to be abused through sports and such. It didn’t make a difference that you were strong, because no matter what, you could never be strong enough to make it stop.”

I was stunned. In all the time I had been thinking about my issues, I had never considered that the reason I was so determined to make my body as invincible as possible was an effort to control my vulnerability to attack from those who would have harassed me in school.

I stated, “I’m never strong enough. I’ll never be strong enough, will I?”

I shifted my gaze back to the window, looking for the answer there. The leaves were still being buffeted by the gale, scattering before it to wherever the wind would take them. I watched them swirl and fall, only to be picked up and tossed about again. Was I one of those leaves, being thrown about by the tidal forces of the events in my life? Was all my effort straining against the ebb and flow of my existence for nothing? Had I been wasting my strength fighting a personal war that was unwinnable?

I rejected that thought. If that were the case, then the things that had changed because of my actions wouldn’t have made a difference, and I could see that difference now when I walked through the halls of the school. Kids who had been invisible before now felt safe enough to joining others in an activity as simple as walking down the center of the hallway because they no longer had to fear that something would happen to them. Brent, my nemesis from a year prior, would not have turned out to be a decent human being. But by the same token, Pete would not have felt it necessary to abandon me for fear of his safety. He wouldn’t now be in the arms of another boy. I had put myself in a no-win situation where Pete was concerned. I could not alter who I was. If I could have, then I wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place. I would have forgotten about him in those years of separation.

“No matter what I do, someone ends up getting hurt.”

“What can you control in your life, Brian?” Will asked the tired old question. “What do you actually have direct control over?”

“Only myself… but even then I wonder. My reactions are what caused my breakup with Pete. My anger toward those guys for picking on kids smaller than they are, or simply because they think the kid is gay. There wasn’t any thought in it, Will. I saw it and I acted. Instinctively. Reflexively.”

“Reflexive reactions can be changed if one truly wishes to change them,” Will offered.

“Are you saying I should learn not to react to that kind of thing? To just walk by and let someone get picked on or beat up?”

“You’re putting words in my mouth, Brian,” Will admonished me patiently. “What I was going to say is that one can change a reflexive response should one truly wish it, but the real concern is should this reflex be changed? Should you even try?”

“Should I?”

“What do you think?”

“I hate it when you ask me that,” I groused. “Why can’t you ever give me a straight answer?”

“The answer has to come from within you, Brian. I can’t tell you how you should act. I can’t tell you how to live your life.”

“Why not? Everyone else does.”

“The answer has to come from within you. It has to be something that you can live with.”

“I don’t want my first reaction to be to fight.” I said. “How do I change it?”

Will firmly stated, “Practice.”

“An attitude adjustment.”

“If you wish to see it as such, yes.” Will confirmed.

“So I do have a bad attitude.”

“I think you have a teen-aged attitude. It’s not uncommon, Brian. You’re an adolescent growing up, searching for identity and independence, but you have more history to deal with than your average sixteen year old. It all follows what happened to you when you were younger. I would also argue that you haven’t completely forgiven your parents for what happened. Your suspicion of Terry’s motives, and your mother’s motives by proxy, tell me that you distrust her. And I’m not saying you don’t have reason, Brian,” he said as I was about to protest, “but it’s something you might want to consider.”

“You’re saying I should give her the benefit of the doubt.” I said deliberately.

Will smiled. “What do you think?”

“Hi, Son,” my father said as we met at the airport on Thanksgiving morning.

I wrapped my arms around him in response, hugging him tightly. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

I cleared out of the way to let my mom and sister greet him. The presence of my father had been sorely missed by all of us, but none more than my mom. She had been struggling since he had left for his training, and with all the upheaval I had caused, she had been forced to cope with things that my dad would have been better suited for, such as dealing with my attitude and actions where Pete was concerned. She just didn’t understand what it was like to be a guy, and I think my father had an easier time dealing with me being gay as well. I loved my mom, but sometimes she just didn’t get it.

Dad talked about his adventures in Miami, how boring it was compared to home, with all the beautiful women on the beach, and the white sand beaches. My mom simply grunted and told him that they would talk more about his activities later, which earned a chuckle from the rest of us.

I went to the shed for a workout when we got home, and Dad asked me to take a walk with him when I was done. It surprised me. He didn’t usually do things like that, or he hadn’t before. We left the workout room and walked out into the apple orchard. He put his arm around my sweaty shoulder.

“I’m going to stink you up,” I said with a half smile.

“I don’t mind. I need a shower anyway.” After a moment, he asked, “How are you doing, son?”

“Okay, I guess. Coping.”

“Have you talked to Pete at all?”

I shook my head. “Not since the party.”

“Kevin said he talked to you about what you did?”

“Yes. It won’t happen again, Dad.”

“Yes it will. Just wait until you can legally drink, and make sure you have someone with you to see you home safely. I’m less concerned about the drinking than I am you running off into the night alone. You really need to stop doing that, Brian. You’re going to give us all a heart attack.”

“I’m sorry,” I said contritely. “I needed to… I just… I don’t know.”

“You were hurt by seeing Pete with another guy. You felt betrayed by a friend. You didn’t know what else to do.”

I nodded, staring out across the field.

“You could have always called Kevin or your mom, you know.”

I snorted and then peered at my father to see if he was being serious or trying to make a joke. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Only half.”

I asked myself how much to tell him. He was my dad, but he seemed to be acting more like a friend at the moment. If he wasn’t going to yell at me for the drinking in the first place, maybe I could trust him and tell him the whole truth.

“I’d had a fight with Terry about him ganging up on me with mom, and I’d already had a beer. Calling mom was not an option.”

“Why not?” He asked, his tone genuine.

“If she had shown up at a party and smelled beer on me? She would have had a conniption.”

“And Kevin?”

“I don’t know… I didn’t know how he would have reacted for sure. And I needed some time to think.”

“You think too much, Brian,” he said with a slight smile.

“Tell me about it.” I looked at my dad, who calmly returned my gaze. “This is really hard, dad. Pete being gone was hard enough, but seeing him with that guy? It killed me.”

“I’m sorry, son. I really am.”

We were quiet for a moment.

“How long with this last? The pain, I mean.” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“He’s really gone. I mean, I know that in my head. But inside? I guess I was hoping he would come back. But when I saw him… something changed. I went from being sad to being angry. No, infuriated.”

“I understand. It had to have been an ugly shock for you.”

“It was. And when his new friends treated me like I was the problem… I suppose I was. I could have gotten into a fight really easily at that point.” I stared at my feet for a second and then looked at my father again. I don’t even know what I’m getting at.”

“That’s okay. Sometimes it helps to talk about things, even if there isn’t a point to what you’re saying. It helps to clarify your thoughts and figure out what you really think about something.” He looked away. “I wish I had done this more with you when you were growing up.”

I stared at him until he turned back to look at me. He noticed and smiled sadly.

“I’m not done growing up yet, Dad,” I said quietly. “Not by a long shot.”

“You’re not as far away as you think, Brian. Even with everything else that has happened, you have handled yourself pretty well in situations where most adults would have lost it. Brent last year; coming out this year, Pete….” He threw his arm around me. “I’m proud of you. You’re a good man, Brian, and a great son.”

“Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me. Really.”

“Well, ain’t that cute,” came a gruff voice from behind us.

“Hello, Ray,” my father responded with a hint of amusement. “It’s good to see you too.”

“Hey, Ben. How’s it hangin’?” Ray asked with a grin.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Dad answered, matching Ray’s smile. “You’ll never find out though. I’m married.”

“Uh… yeah,” Ray responded, disconcerted at my father’s rejoinder. “Not that I’d want to, or anything.”

“You did ask, Ray…” I inserted, smiling at Ray’s discomfort.

“Yeah, smile all you want right now, but I’ll get rid of it soon enough. Guess who’s coming for dinner.”

“What am I supposed to do?” I demanded of Kevin. “Pretend it never fucking happened?” We were talking in the barn at my mother’s insistence, as she knew the language would get out of hand.

“Of course not. What I expect is for you to be mature enough to handle him being here for dinner tonight. He needs to be with family. Especially with what he’s dealing with. He needs to feel supported.”

“And I don’t?” I asked incredulously.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it, Brian! Pete is dealing with some really difficult things right now related to what Curt did to him, and he has nowhere else to go.”

“Neither do I!”

Kevin sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Pete is going to be here for dinner. I’m sorry if you are uncomfortable or angry about that, but I want him here.”

“Oh, well, in that case, that makes it all better,” I snapped and turned on my heel, heading for the house at a quick march.

“Brian! Come back here.” I kept going, and I heard him jogging after me. I stopped and turned on him, causing him to pull up short. “I don’t want you doing anything to make things worse for him.”

“Don’t worry, Kevin, I won’t,” I said coldly, and continued on my way back to the house “You won’t even know I’m here.”

“Brian. Brian!” Kevin called after me, but I ignored him. Nothing I said to him would have made a difference anyway.

On the way back to the house I was kicking myself. Pete had just come to the realization that Curt had really abused him in ways that I didn’t want to contemplate, and of course Kevin wanted him here. I would have wanted the same thing in Kevin’s place, but that’s not where I was. Instead I was living in my own skin, feeling conflicted as hell, and more than a little trapped. Pete didn’t want to see or talk to me. That much was clear, and I accepted that. I could accept that Pete needed to be with his family, especially given the situation. What I couldn’t deal with was the fact that as much as I loved Pete, a part of me hated him too, and didn’t give a damn about what he was going through. His pain meant nothing compared to the pain he had inflicted upon me, and the pain I had inflicted on myself. The other part of me hated myself for hating him.

I realized that I would be holed up in my room until Pete left later that evening. Deciding that I didn’t want to go without a shower after my workout, I dropped my now-dry workout shirt into the hamper and went to the bathroom to take a shower. When I had finished and toweled off, I heard Ray greeting Pete at the door, and the sound of their conversation. Not wanting to see Pete, I opened the door to the bathroom and quickly crossed the hall to my room. My shoulders and upper back were tight with the tension the hot shower had not released.

Once in my room, I wedged my door shut with the chair and lay down to stare at the ceiling. Muffled sounds from the house came to me through my door. I could hear Pete talking with Jason and Ray, and the sound of the football game on the television. An hour or so later, there was a knock at my door.

“Brian,” called my mom, “I have a plate for you.” I removed the chair from in front of the door and allowed her in to place two full plates of food on my desk.

“Thanks, mom,” I murmured in response.

“I knew you’d be hungry after your workout.” She wiped her hands on her pants. “Are you sure you won’t eat at the table?”

“I don’t think it would be a good idea,” I replied in a voice she had to strain to hear. “I’m not up to it.”

“All right, honey. I understand. Please leave your plates outside the door when you’re finished so I can wash them and put them away.”

“Sure, mom.”

She looked at me a second and then startled me with a hug. I wrapped my arms loosely around her until she pulled back, and a sad smile filled her face.

“I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, and I know being alone tonight isn’t helping you, but I think you’re doing a good thing by letting Pete be here.”

I swallowed. “How is he?”

“Not good, honey. He’s hurting a lot, and not just because of what that man did to him.”

I sighed. “Thanks, mom.”

“You’re welcome, honey,” She said, brushing my cheek with the back of her hand, and then she withdrew.

I wedged the door shut again before sitting at the desk and demolishing the food she had brought me. I even licked the plates and silverware clean when I was done. I gathered all the dishes and quietly set them outside the door about twenty minutes later, wedged the door once more, and lay down on my bed for a nap.

I was just about asleep when I heard a light knock at the door.

“Brian,” came an all too familiar voice, “it’s me.”

I didn’t move, just staring at the ceiling.

“Brian, please open the door? I… um... I uh… I have something I want to say.”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to talk to him. Nothing he could do or say could make me feel worse, but I didn’t want to give him the chance. Instead, I rolled onto my side and buried my head into the pillows to block out the sound of his voice.

Somehow, I managed to fall asleep.