The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Twenty-Five

Revelation

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My breath caught in my throat and I began to panic. Adrenaline poured into my veins.

“Get off. Get off!”

I thrust my arms up and out, tossing Ryan away. He landed in the bed next to me, stunned.

“What did you do that for?” He asked in confusion as I scrabbled back until I was leaning against the wall.

My breathing was fast and shallow. I hugged my knees to me and buried my face in my arms.

“Pete, why…” Ryan’s voice trailed off as he took in what he was seeing. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I…” I swallowed hard and tried to speak. “C– Curt. Curt.”

“Curt? Your ex-mom’s boyfriend?” I nodded, still with my head down. “What about him?”

I took a deep breath and then looked up at Ryan over my knees. His expression was filled with concern and compassion. I hugged myself tighter and rested my chin on my knees, but I could not meet Ryan’s eyes again.

“Curt… he used to…”

When it was apparent I was not going to continue, Ryan prompted me. “He used to… what, hon?”

I squeezed my eyes tight. I did not want to think about that. I did not want to deal with anything from my past, especially that. I wanted it to go away.

“Nothing. Never mind, Ry.”

“Pete, hon, you can tell me anything, okay?” Ryan said softly. “It’s not going to change the beauty of the person in front of me. All right?”

“Ryan, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“If you don’t talk about it, it’ll stay locked up inside, eating you up. You don’t want that. It’s okay, hon.” Ryan put his hand on my knee, and then brushed his fingers along my cheek. I leaned into the contact. “You can tell me anything, Pete.”

He brushed my cheek again. I looked into Ryan’s eyes and made the decision to trust him.

“Ryan, I’ve never told anyone this. I’d didn’t remember it until… until you were laying on top of me.”

“We’ve done that quite a few times. Why now?”

“I don’t know!” I snapped. “How the fuck should I know?”

“Easy, hon. I’m sorry.”

I dropped my head back to my hands. “No, I’m sorry I yelled at you.” I sighed deeply and then continued. “Curt used to come into my room when my mom wasn’t home. He’d trap me in the corner and…” I swallowed hard. “I tried to fight back, especially at first, but he kept hitting me until I couldn’t take it anymore. Then he’d…”

“It’s okay, Pete,” Ryan said softly. “You don’t have to say anymore.”

I raised my head and glared at Ryan. It felt like he was trying to let me off the hook or something. If he wanted to know, then by God I would tell him. It was too late for him to get out of it now.

“No, I think I do. You asked, so you’re going to hear this.

“After beating the shit out of me, he opened his pants and made me suck his dick. He made me suck him! He–“

“He abused you, hon,” Ryan said in the same quiet voice. “He hurt you, and he then he hurt you more.”

Tears filled my eyes. “He made me, Brian! He made me do it. I didn’t want to but he made me do it!”

Ryan moved and sat beside me, and I fell into him. He held me tightly while I cried, but he remained silent until I fell asleep.

I felt Ryan get up and heard him go out the front door, but I did not move until he was well gone. A quick look at the clock told me it was after nine. I had slept the entire day away in Ryan’s arms. I stayed in bed for another five minutes before dragging myself to the bathroom, and was startled to see my face drawn and sallow. Inside I felt empty, like something was missing, but at the same time I was filled with rage.

I had been abused. The words were nothing new to me. Brian and I had discussed what happened to me in some detail, at least what I recalled at the time. This memory of Curt forcing me to give him oral sex was something I had completely blocked from my conscious memory. Ryan and I had been wrestling on the bed, and I let him pin me, but Ryan laying on me triggered the memory of Curt pinning me on the floor when I fought back one day. What Curt did to me after that still was not clear in my mind, but I knew it was not pleasant. Confusion, anger, impotence, futility, fear… all of those emotions ran through my body and mind, one on top of the other.

What do the events that occurred on those nights mean for me? I wondered. What are the ramifications now that I realize there are parts of my life that I do not remember? Who can I talk to about all of this? Who can I trust? Who would understand?

A name came to mind, and I shuddered. After what had happened, I doubted he would ever want to speak to me again, but I did not know anyone else who…

I picked up the phone with a trembling hand and dialed the number before I could change my mind. On third ring I decided I would hang up if they did not answer by the end of the fourth. Halfway through the fourth, the line picked up.

“Hello?”

I swallowed hard. And tried to answer.

“Hello? Who’s there?”

“H– hi...”

The phone slammed down, and the line went dead. I hung up and hit the redial. The phone was again answered on the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

“Ray, don’t…” The phone slammed down. “… hang up.”

I again hung up and pressed redial. The call was again answered on the fourth ring.

“Ray, don’t hang up!” I shouted into the receiver.

“Pete?”

“Oh. Dad.” I swallowed again. It was the first time I had spoken with my father since I had kicked him out of my apartment. “I need to talk to Ray.” Something in my voice betrayed me.

“Are you okay?”

“No, Dad, I’m not. Ray’s the only person I could think of who–” I stopped myself before I could say more. “I need to talk to Ray. Please?”

There was a pause on the other end. “Okay, but I want you to tell me what’s going on.”

“Dad,” I replied with a bit of frustration, “please don’t make this any harder than it already is. I need to talk to Ray.”

“I’ll get him, but I want to talk to you later.” Kevin’s voice was full of concern, but also held an edge. He would not be evaded for long.

I heard the receiver settle on the counter and waited a few moments for Ray to pick up the phone. Before he did I heard him complaining in the background.

“Fine, I’ll talk to him, but I’m not happy about it.” The receiver rattled. “What the fuck do you want?” He asked, and then apparently responded to Brian’s mother. “Egyptian!”

I grinned in spite of myself, but only for a second. “Ray, I need to talk to someone, and you’re the only person who might understand…”

“What do you want to talk to me about?” He demanded.

“Ray, I’m starting to remember things…”

“Oh, really? Like how much of an asshole you were, and continue to be?” A pause. “Hebrew!”

“Ray, Curt made me suck him off!” I said loudly.

“What?” He asked incredulously.

“Maybe more. I don’t know.”

“Okay… so what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I just… I need to talk to someone, and since you were… you know…”

“Fucked up the ass?”

“Abused…”

“Norse! C’mon, Pete!” Ray grated. “If you want to talk about it, then call it what it is!”

“Ray! I– don’t– know– what– he– did– to– me!” I screamed into the phone, and involuntarily dropped to my knees as tears filled my eyes. Cramping struck my solar plexus, making it difficult to inhale.

“Pete…” Ray answered into the phone, his voice quiet and soothing. “I’ll be over as soon as I can, okay?”

I made a noise through the tears and pain in my chest.

“Okay– I’ll be right there.”

I heard the phone hang up and dropped the receiver to the floor, wrapped my arms around myself and cried. My entire body ached. Pain shot through my body like a hot steel rod from my asshole through to my head, causing me to jerk. As I writhed in pain for what seemed like forever, images and feelings I did not want to comprehend filled my mind until at last the pain receded. I curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor, and that was how they found me.

“Pete, son, let go. I’ve got you.”

I felt myself being pulled into my father’s arms and let it happen. My arms, still wrapped tightly around my gut, were unable to release to embrace my dad. Breathing was made difficult by the sobs that hit me unexpectedly.

“Let go, Pete. Relax your arms.”

“I’ll help ‘em,” Ray said softly, and I felt him peeling my fingers away from my sides.

“Thanks, Ray,” my father said as Ray worked. “Pete, Ray told me you were in trouble, but not why. Can you tell me?”

“No,” I answered tightly.

“Why not?” Kevin asked quietly with no agitation in his voice.

“I…” I swallowed through a tight throat. “I just can’t.”

“Pete, can I tell him what you told me on the phone?” Ray asked, his voice different than anything I had ever heard from him before. “I know what you’re feeling, about not being safe. I get it, but now isn’t the time to clam up. Kevin wants to help, and you know he’d never hurt you. If you can’t say it, then let me, okay?”

I could feel Kevin’s arms tense around me. He knew. Ray’s words told Kevin everything he needed to know except for the specifics. There was no point in trying to keep it a secret. Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth to speak. I had to force air through my vocal cords, and even so, my voice came out in a husky whisper.

“Curt… he abused me… sexually.” I felt Kevin’s chin rest on the top of my head. “I don’t know it all. I’m still remembering things that happened.”

Ray’s eyes shifted from me to Kevin. Something unspoken passed between them, and Ray embraced us. Kevin cleared his throat and hugged me tighter. A moment later, I felt his body shake, and his tears fell into my hair.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Son, I won’t say I know how hard this is for you, because I haven’t been where you are,” Kevin said softly. “What I do know is that for kids who have been… through what you’ve been through, they can get a lot out of counseling.”

“I’m not a kid,” I groused.

“Adults too. Abuse survivors are abuse survivors. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or girl, or what age you were, or when it happened, or how long it went on. If it was for a minute, an hour…”

“Or five years,” Ray interjected quietly.

“… or a decade. I’ve probably worked with over fifty kids since Van hired me as an associate attorney. Every single one of them has been emotionally abused, half of them physically abused, and one in five has been sexually abused. One boy was abused for an eight-hour time span when he was ten. Another had been abused since he was an infant. Both of them had the same issues, and more or less to the same extent. One second of abuse is one second too many.

“Son, it’s important that you see a counselor to help you work through this. Please?”

Taking a deep breath, I answered, “Okay.”

I looked at Ray, expecting him to make some sort of joke to break the tension, but the tears in his eyes surprised me.

“I’m sorry, Pete,” he whispered. “I’m sorry he did that to you. I hate that it happened to you. If I could change it, I would.”

“I know.”

Ray’s expression changed to pleading, and he raised his voice slightly. “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew I was abused, that I would understand… why didn’t you tell me?”

“I… I don’t know, Ray. Maybe I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, or that I was handling it okay. Maybe it’s because I was embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed? Why?” Kevin asked.

“I… don’t know. Would you want to tell someone you were sucking your mom’s boyfriend’s dick?”

“Boys don’t get sexually abused,” Ray intoned quietly. “No one ever talks about boys being abused. You hear stuff about girls all the time, but not boys. That never happens,” he finished bitterly.

Kevin pulled Ray to us and hugged him. My impression was that Ray’s words had been said before in a different setting, and now they were coming back to him.

“Are you okay, Ray?” I asked, and immediately I knew how stupid the question was.

“No,” he responded. “I thought I had dealt with this, but I guess not.”

“With what?”

“When I was down in Salem, one of the things I dealt with was my abuse history and a lot of the anger and pain that goes along with it,” Ray explained. “Part of that is the resentment I feel because nobody noticed what was happening to me. I thought I had put that one to bed, but...” He shrugged.

“This is going to take a long time, isn’t it?” I asked. “I’m not going to be able to get over it in a couple days.”

“No,” Ray said sadly. “No, it’s not like that. It’s something that stays with you, and you have to learn how to deal with it. Sometimes you feel good like it never happened, and sometimes it all comes back like an avalanche.”

“I’ll be dealing with this for the rest of my life?” I did not like that prospect.

“And the worst part is that normal people don’t get why you just can’t get over it. Like I wouldn’t get over it if I could, you know?”

“Pete, do you want to see Will as your counselor? It makes sense. He knows both you and Brian, so he knows your history. He’s well respected in the field of male survivors, too. The man is good.”

Ray commented, “Yeah, Pete. He helped me a lot, and even recommended the guy I was seeing in Salem.”

“All right. I’ll call him and make an appointment.”

Kevin suggested, “Make sure you tell him why. He might be able to get you in faster… and I think time is an issue right now.”

“I will.”

We sat silently for a long while as I thought about what was happening, and then I thought of Brian, and tears once again filled my eyes.

“I’ve lost him.”

“Lost who?” Kevin asked gently.

“Brian. I’ve lost him. I can’t get him back.”

“Whoa. You lost me, son. How did we go from what happened to you back to Brian?”

“Curt abused me. He made me afraid, and I let that get in the way…” The realization hit me like an artillery shell. “It was my fault. I let this happen. I made this happen!”

“What that fucker did to you wasn’t your fault!” Ray spouted immediately.

“I know that, Ray!” I responded loudly, and then said more quietly, “I meant Brian.”

“Oh.”

“I was stupid.”

“Yes, you were,” Ray said.

“No, you weren’t,” Kevin answered simultaneously. I looked up at Kevin and saw him shoot a glare at Ray. “You weren’t stupid. You were scared. There’s a difference.”

“Not in this case, Kevin,” I rebutted. “In this case I was stupid. I let Brian get away. No, it’s worse. I told him to go.”

“What are you going to do?” Kevin asked in a whisper.

I was quiet for a long time, and the silence grew longer as Kevin held me. Neither he nor Ray spoke, allowing me to think. I knew the answer to the question the moment my dad had asked it. I just didn’t want to say it.

“I’m going to do what I need to do. I’m going to do what is right.”

I spent the night lying awake, anticipating what was to come.

“Hello?”

I swallowed at the sound of his voice. I knew this was the only opportunity I had to do this the right way. If I did not, things would only get worse, and the pain inflicted on everyone would increase by an order of magnitude.

“Hi.”

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

“Not good.”

A sound of commiseration came through the phone line. “What can I do to help?”

“I don’t know, Ryan,” I answered with a sigh. “Can I come over? We need to talk.”

There was a pause before he asked, “This isn’t going to be fun, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Okay… sure. Come on over.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

I jumped into the shower, turned the water up as hot as I could stand it, and scrubbed my body in an effort to feel alive again. I felt somewhat human when I turned it off, but my face reminded me of a zombie from some horror movie: pale and drawn. I drove to Ryan’s house. He met me at the door.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said, closing the door behind him. I shrugged and we walked silently, side-by-side, into the gray, drizzling morning.

We walked down a deer trail into the woods nearby and stopped next to a creek that cut through the trees. We had come here several times since we had started going out, having conversations both deep and meaningless. It was appropriate that we were there.

“Ryan, if I don’t do this now, then I never will, and it needs to happen. I told you what happened to me, or what I know of what happened. My brother Ray, he was an abused kid. He knows what it’s like to be there. He knows what it’s like to try and… I don’t know… heal from this.”

“Pete,” Ryan interrupted. “I’ve been thinking about this since you fell asleep last night. The moment I heard your voice on the phone I knew why you had called. You have a lot of things in your life right now, especially with what happened to you. I’m really sorry for what that bastard did to you, and I hope he gets what’s coming to him.

“The thing is, I haven’t been there, and I don’t want to go there. What you’re going to have to do to get through this is not something I want to go through. I’m sorry, Pete. I can’t stand by you while you do this. You’re important, and I love you… but I can’t follow you to that place. You are important, but I’m just as important, and I need to do what is right for me just as you have to do what is right for you. You have your demons to face, and you still have to resolve your relationship with Brian. I know you still love him, even if you don’t want to believe it.”

I stared at Ryan as he spoke, surprised that he had read me so well.

“When you were telling me about Curt last night, you called me Brian. It’s not the first time. I love you, but I’m not going to place myself in the line of fire, and I’m not going to get in the middle of a situation I have no control over. If you can get this worked out, and figure out whether or not you are going to be with Brian, then we can figure out what is going to happen between us.

“Until then, we’re going to have to go our own ways. I won’t make a big deal of this in school or with Craig or Cres. I won’t avoid you unless it becomes too awkward or painful for one or both of us. I might even be able to hug you when you need one, but we’ll have to see.”

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t know what else I can say. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I know, hon. I am too.

“How are you feeling, son?” Kevin asked over the phone. “How did your session with Will go?”

I sighed. “I feel like shit. The session went okay, I guess. We talked about what I have to look forward to,” I said, the last three words dripping with sarcasm. “This isn’t going to be fun.”

“I know, but at least you’re facing it now, and not letting it run your life.”

“Like I was before, you mean.”

“I didn’t say that,” Kevin replied, but I could tell by his tone that was exactly what he was thinking.

“No,” I countered, “you’re right. That was exactly what I was doing.”

“You were running scared, Pete. You panicked.”

Yeah, I thought, I panicked, and blew my life to hell.

“Pete, Thanksgiving is tomorrow,” Kevin reminded me. “I want you to come over here for dinner.”

“What?”

“You need to be around people who love you and care about you right now.”

I snorted. “Yeah. People who love me.”

“Brian still loves you, but seeing you with Ryan really hit him hard. I wouldn’t expect much from him right now.”

I sighed. “I don’t have the right to expect anything from him.” I was silent for a moment. “I don’t want to see him. I can’t look him in the eye.”

“I think you should put that aside right now, son. You need to be with your family. Especially right now, when you’re dealing with…”

“With being raped?”

“He raped you?” Kevin asked immediately. “Do you remember him raping you?”

“No, but that’s how it feels,” I replied. “And I’m still not sure that he didn’t.”

“Please come over?”

I thought about it for a minute. Brian would probably avoid me while I was there, which would be fine with me. I did not want to have a confrontation with him when I was dealing with so much. The abuse I suffered at Curt’s hands was dominating my thinking. With every waking moment, the effects of what he had done to me affected my actions and thoughts. Sleep was not high on my priorities, as nightmares woke me with increasing regularity. Will had given me an anti-anxiety medication to take, similar to the drug he had given to Brian and that I had subsequently stolen from him, but I did not like taking it. I didn’t want to become dependent on its effects, no matter how beneficial they were.

“Pete? Are you still there?” Kevin asked.

My dad was right about one thing, though. The last thing I needed was to be alone.

“Yes, I’m here. What time do you want me to come over?”

I knocked on the door, and Ray answered it. I half-expected him to slam the door in my face.

“Hi, bro,” Ray said, stepping aside so I could enter. “How’s it hanging?”

“I’m doing okay, Ray. Thanks.”

“You don’t lie well, you know,” Ray observed as he shut the door.

I swallowed. “It’s been hard, Ray. Not much sleep, lately.”

“Yeah, that sucks.”

“Wh- where’s Brian?” I asked, embarrassed.

“He’s… uh… he’s hiding out.”

A pang of discomfort and empathy worked its way through my body. I was the reason Brian would be spending his Thanksgiving in his room instead of with his family. It did not seem fair that he should be the one hiding out and I should be at the table, but at the same time I felt the need to be there; to be around these people who were the only family I had. I had the right to be there, in my own house, with my family, but Brian had the same right. I had to face it: I had made a major mistake handling what happened between me and Brian, and no matter what I did now, it would always be there, staring me in the face. I could only hope my lack of judgment hadn’t fatally wounded our relationship.

“Hey,” Ray said softly. “He could be out here with the rest of us. It’s his choice, you know?”

“After what I did, though…”

“Yeah, you did some pretty crappy shit. I’m still fucking pissed at you, and you and me are going to go ‘round and ‘round, but that can wait. You need your family right now.”

“Thanks, Ray,” I responded quietly.

“I’ve been there,” he said with a shrug. “I’m just glad you have someone you can go to, you know? That’s something I didn’t have.”

Something in his expression hit me in the gut. He looked up at me as his eyes moistened, and we fell into an embrace that gave both of us the support we needed at that moment. The sound of footsteps brought us back to the present. Ben watched us with a sad smile as Ray and I separated, and then I was engulfed in Ben’s arms. He hugged me tightly and then held me at arm’s length.

“How are you, son?” He asked. His words and tone broke me. He hugged me again and held me for a few moments until I could regain control of my emotions. “Come on in. There’s snacks in the kitchen, and we’ll be eating in a few hours.”

I followed him into the house and glanced to my left just in time to see Brian leaving the bathroom and crossing the hall to what used to be our bedroom. He was in sweatpants without a shirt, and even at that short distance I could see the change in his body. His muscles were swollen from the workout he had obviously just completed, appearing even more defined than I remembered them. Although it was only a glance, the longing I felt in my heart and body struck without mercy. I stumbled but caught myself easily. I saw Ray’s knowing glance and wry smile, and then walked into the kitchen for the holiday.

Dinner was completely overshadowed in my mind by the issues I was still coming to terms with. Admitting the abuse suffered at Curt’s hands was more than what I remembered was only part of the battle. I still did not know everything that had been done to me, and now that I had finally given myself the permission to see the enormous impact of what I did remember, it made me fearful as to what else may be waiting in the recesses of my mind. In addition, I was acutely aware of my estrangement from Brian. Being surrounded by his family emphasized it even more. His mother had made him a plate and took it to him as everyone settled in at the table. As the meal progressed, I found myself watching the hall entrances in an effort to see another glimpse of him, but he did not appear.

After dinner, everyone went their own way for either a football game or a nap. I sat on the couch with Jason and Ray as they cheered on opposite teams just because they enjoyed ribbing each other. It was fun to watch, but again, I missed Brian’s presence. It ate away at me until I knew I could not let it go on any longer. I rose from the couch and walked toward Brian’s room. Two empty plates, a glass and silver sat outside the door. A pang of sorrow ran through my chest. I listened carefully at the door, and not hearing anything, I knocked gently.

“Brian, it’s me,” I called quietly, just loud enough I knew that he would hear me. I waited a little bit, but he didn’t answer. I didn’t hear any movement at all. “Brian, please open the door? I… um... I uh… I have something I want to say.”

Again I heard nothing from him.

“I… um… I want to say I’m sorry for the way I treated you. It was wrong, and you deserved much better than I gave you. I wanted you to know that I think what you did at school… standing up for those guys… it’s an awesome thing, Bri. If I wasn’t so messed up in the head with… I wanted you to know I’m proud of you, and that I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back. That’s all. I’m sorry, Bri.”

I waited by the door, hoping from some sort of reaction, but heard nothing. I sighed deeply, and said once more, “I’m sorry,” and then went back to the living room to watch my adopted brothers engage in some friendly savagery in the name of family togetherness.