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I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and found my neck and back so stiff that I could hardly move. My ass was numb as well from sitting on the floor so long. I used the desk next to me to help me stand, and staggered to the bed where I crawled into position. I kicked off my shoes and struggled to get back to sleep, but the image of Pete’s face contorted with anger hovered before my mind’s eye. Rolling onto my side, I grabbed the second pillow on the bed and clutched it tight. When the tears came, I let them fall to be absorbed by the pillow, but I didn’t make a sound. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway.
A knocking at the door woke me later that morning. My body ached abominably and my muscles were stiff. The knock came again.
“What?” I growled menacingly.
Ray opened the door. “Get your ass out of bed, Kellam. You got about twenty minutes before we leave.”
A groan escaped as I levered myself up to look at him.
“Are you okay, bro?” Ray asked, concern coloring his voice.
“I guess.” Sitting up, I groaned again as my head started pounding. My stomach clinched and I barely stopped myself from puking all over my bed and the floor. I knew from the way I felt that next time I wouldn’t be so lucky.
I jumped out of bed and suddenly found myself reeling, my momentum carrying me into the dresser with a loud thud, rattling the various objects on top of it.
“Brian? Come on, bro. Let me help you,” Ray volunteered.
He tried to move me back to the bed, but I pushed for the door. I didn’t dare open my mouth because I was sure it would set me off. Reading my intentions, Ray helped me hobble to the bathroom, and with a lurch I made it to the toilet just as my gut let loose. Strangely, I felt much better after that one heave, and managed to stand on my own two feet with minimal assistance from Ray. My body still ached, but my headache was receding. I stood at the sink and rinsed my mouth out, and then brushed my teeth. Ray stood behind me, his eyes not leaving me for an instant.
“I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as I shuffled toward my bedroom, followed closely by my self-appointed shepherd. As I moved, my strength returned and I felt almost normal again.
“I’m okay, Ray,” I said, trying to wave him away.
“Maybe. I’m going to make sure you don’t fall again,” he responded calmly.
“I’m not going to fall…” I grumbled, and went about finding some clean jeans in my dresser.
With a slight hesitation, I took off my sweatpants and placed my foot in one leg. When I tried to put my other foot in, it caught on the waistband of the pants, causing me to hop forward slightly before I regained my balance and put my foot back on the floor. A quick glance at Ray revealed a bemused expression.
“Shut up,” I ordered.
He had the nerve to look surprised.
I once more attempted to put on my pants, and again my foot caught in the waistband. However, this time my balance was sufficiently thrown off that I hopped forward right into Ray, who caught me, but was also thrown off balance. We tumbled to the floor in a heap with me landing on top of him. I raised myself with my arms and shook my head.
I looked down at Ray and said, “Thanks…”
He peered back at me, his expression soft and his eyes bright. We lay there for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes. My stomach ached again, but not because I was ill. Ray slowly raised his head while I watched, and then momentarily pressed his lips to mine before jerking away, throwing me off and scrambling to his feet.
“Oh, God. Oh, Shit. Oh fuck. I’m soooo sorry, Brian,” Ray said, backing away from me until he was against the door, his eyes wide.
I stood slowly and walked up to him. “Ray, it’s okay.”
“No, man, that was fucking stupid. It won’t…”
“Ray,” I interrupted, “really, it’s okay. Thank you.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder in a friendly manner and I kissed him lightly on the lips.
“Raymond! Watch your…”
My mother stood at my door, watching us as I kissed Ray. It was completely chaste, like something you see every day on the street between a boy and a girl. But not for my mother.
“What on earth are you doing?” She demanded.
“Mom, relax. It was a kiss.”
“I could see that,” she huffed. “It’s what it could lead to that bothers me.”
I felt my face go flat. “You lived with me and Pete doing that and more. Why are you making a big deal of me kissing a friend?”
I could see her struggle with my words, and then she finally sighed. “I’m sorry, boys. After what happened with Pete… I don’t want you to get hurt again, honey.”
“Mom, you can’t stop it. It’s going to happen.”
“Are you two… together now?”
Ray and I eyed each other for a moment. It was easy to tell Ray had hope that we could be, or even that we already were. It was plainly displayed on his face.
“I’m sorry, Ray, but it’s too soon for me to even look in that direction.” I turned back to my mom. “No, we’re not together.”
I faced Ray once more. He wore a disappointed expression that he was trying to control. “Ray…”
“It’s no big deal,” he said flippantly as he turned on his heel. “We’re going to be late.”
“Ray, wait.”
“I don’t want to be late, Kellam, so get your ass in gear and get dressed.” He walked out of the room.
Mom said, “Oh, my. I didn’t realize…”
“I’ll handle it, Mom.”
“I’m going to take Dawn to school. You drive Ray and yourself. Remember, you’re still restricted.”
“How could I forget,” I commented blandly. “You remind me every time we have a conversation.”
“I do not,” she responded in protest. I looked at her. “Okay, maybe I do.”
“Thank you. Now I really do need to get dressed. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“Okay, honey. Love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
Ray sat silently most of the way to school. Every time I tried to talk to him, he was evasive and caustic; more like his normal self. In the parking lot, he got out of the car without a word and I hurried to intercept him. When I put my hand on his shoulder, he spun around to face me. I was surprised to see tears in his eyes, and when he spoke there was a quaver in his voice.
“What do you want from me? You obviously don’t want to be with some ugly, fucked up kid, so what do you want, huh?”
“Ray, it’s not you…”
“Bullshit. If it wasn’t me then you wouldn’t… just leave me the fuck alone.”
He tried to turn around, but I wouldn’t let him.
“Ray, knock it off. It wouldn’t matter who it was that threw themselves at me right now, the answer would still be the same. What I do need from you right now is your friendship. I need your strength. I need you irritating Mom with your cussing to keep her from smothering me. I need you to stand by me; to be my brother as we go through all this shit. I don’t think I can do it on my own.”
“Now you’re laying it on fuckin’ thick,” he laughed bitterly, “you not being able to handle it. You got Tomas and Terry now anyway.”
“They don’t know me, Ray… not really. You do.”
He looked away for a minute and shoved his hands in his pockets, then kicked at loose pebble on the ground. As I let the silence grow, he became uncomfortable.
“Well, it’s not like I have a choice. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You do have a choice, Ray,” I rebutted. “You could tell me to fuck off right now, walk away and not come back.”
The seconds passed slowly as I watched my brother grapple with what I’d said to him. When he looked up again, fresh tears were in his eyes.
“I couldn’t do that to someone I love.”
When I realized what he said, I stepped up to him and wrapped him in my arms.
“I love you too, Ray.
It had only been a week, and already the CIA had changed the atmosphere of the school. Kids I’d never seen before were seemingly appearing from nowhere, many of them approaching me, thanking me for forming the club. It was amazing to watch. Here and there were knots of kids traveling from class to class, finally able to walk the halls without fear. I didn’t see anyone being harassed, picked on or pushed the entire day.
I went through the motions, following my schedule and walking with my buddies from class to class, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I had accomplished what I wanted to do, and now it was time to move forward. All I wanted to do was get home so I could start the new workout routine I’d developed. It was rigorous, focused, and perfectly suited to what I wanted to do. Ray confronted me about my new routine while we were working out on the evening of Friday, the 13th of November.
“Brian, what are you trying to do?”
Confused, I asked, “What are you talking about, Ray?”
“Look. You’ve worked out for the last three days straight, and from what you’ve told me, you’re going to keep doing that seven days a week. Am I right?”
“It seems like it’s a lot, Ray, but it’s really not,” I replied . “I change the muscle groups I work on, so I’m not overworking anything. I work on a three day cycle. You know that; I explained it to you.”
“Yeah, you did, but you didn’t mention working out two hours a day and then going running. Are you trying to hurt yourself?”
“Ray, I know what my body can take. I’ve been doing this for a long time, remember?”
“Yeah, well I ain’t been doing it that long, but I can tell you’re overdoing it,” Ray stated, crossing his arms and leaning against the door jam. “You’re moving like you got a stick up your ass half the time, you’re so stiff. That ain’t normal.”
I sighed. “Ray I’m not going to argue about this. If you don’t want to work out with me, that’s fine. Do what you need to do.”
Turning away from him, I laid on the bench and continued my routine. Ray stood there and watched me for a few minutes.
“Brian,” he said at last, “I don’t want anything to happen to you. I’m not going to help you hurt yourself.”
“I’m not going to hurt myself, Ray,” I answered through gritted teeth. “I know what I’m doing.”
“Whatever, Kellam,” he said caustically.
Sitting up, I glared at him. His tone made me angry. “Ray, just go away. If you aren’t going to work out with me or help me, then leave.”
“Brian, I don’t…,” Ray began.
“Go, Ray. I’ve been alone before; I can handle it.”
“I can’t let you…”
“You don’t have any responsibility for me or what I do! I don’t need you! So get the fuck out, Ray!”
“Brian…”
“Go!”
Ray’s face set into an uncertain scowl.
“Go!”
Ray’s expression hardened, and I surged up off the bench.
“God damn it, Ray!”
“All right! All right. I’ll leave you alone. For now.”
He finally turned and left. I laid back down and started lifting again, concentrating hard to maintain my discipline. It made it easier to forget the pain Ray’s comments and abandonment had caused me. I finished my session about two hours later, went in the house and took a shower. My mom asked me if I was going to eat, and I told her I wasn’t hungry; that I would get something later if I wanted it, and I went to my room. Sleep did not come until the sun came up.
The next afternoon around three, a pounding on my door roused me from a shallow sleep. I woke immediately.
“What?”
“Brian, Terry’s on the phone,” mom called through the door. “He wants to talk to you, and it’s high time you get out of bed anyway.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in a sec,” I answered as I rolled out of bed.
Terry’s call was a surprise. I’d just seen him the day before, and we usually made plans with more notice. I put on some running shorts and walked to the kitchen, getting a glass of orange juice before taking the call.
“Hey, Terry.”
“Hiya, bro. What are ya’ doing tonight?” He asked
“Um, not much. Why?”
“See if your mom will let you come over.”
“I’m still on restriction,” I reminded him.
“Ask anyway,” he insisted. “There’s a party tonight, and I want you to go with us.”
“I know she won’t let me out for a party of all things,” I stated, surprised at his apparent lack of good sense.
“Ask – her. Tell her I’ll make it up to her.”
“Okay, okay… hold on,” I answered with a sigh.
I thought twice about asking her. If she took exception to me asking, it could add time to my sentence, but I figured, what the hell… it’s not like I had a life anyway.
“Mom, Terry wanted to know if I could go over to his house. Terry said he would make it up to you.”
“No. You’re on restriction,” she replied in an off-hand manner without looking at me.
“I told him that, but he insisted I ask.”
Mom took her eyes off her book and looked at me with an inscrutable expression for a long moment.
She set her book on the coffee table and stood. “Let me talk to him,” she said to my surprise. My mom walked to phone and picked it up.
“What’s this about, Terry? Yes, I remember. That isn’t funny, Terry.”
There was a long pause. Her cross expression changed to one of concern. She turned away from me and continued her conversation with my friend.
“Please tell me you’re joking.” Another long pause, then she turned to face me again. “Yes, I see your point. All right. I’m holding you responsible, Terry. Don’t you forget that.” Mom laughed. “Don’t push your luck, mister. Yes, I’ll bring him over after we’ve talked. Thank you, Terry. Good bye.”
She hung up the phone and scrutinized me for a minute. I calmly returned her gaze.
“Did you know about this, Brian? Did you put him up to this?”
I shook my head. “No.”
After a moment, she said, “All right, here is the deal. I’ve decided to lift your restriction.”
“You are?” I asked carefully, surprise coloring my tone.
“I am. However, you are still on probation. If you step out of line, you’ll get the week I cancelled and another besides whatever else I may do. Do you understand?”
“Why are you letting me off the hook?” I inquired.
My mom replied, “I have my reasons, and that’s all you need to know. Now go get your things. You’ll be staying over night.”
“’kay.”
I packed up in five minutes and we were out the door. Mom didn’t say much on the short drive to Terry’s house, but reminded me several times that I was not in the clear and my behavior would determine my fate.
“Hey, Kellam,” Terry called as I got out of the car. “How’s it hangin’.”
I grinned at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
We knocked fists. “Not especially, no. And besides, I’ve seen you in the locker room. You got nothing to brag on.”
“You’re just jealous,” I answered good-naturedly, “that I don’t have to use a magnifying glass and tweezers.”
“Oooo. Ouch.” He slapped me in the back of the head. “C’mon. We gotta get ready.”
“Where are we going?”
“Over to a party at this guy’s house. I only found out about it this morning.”
“Cool!” I answered, suddenly enthused. “Tomas?”
“He can’t go. His family is doing something tonight.”
“Okay… now for the million dollar question. What did you say to my mom to get her to let me out?”
Terry gave me a sly smile. “That’s for me to know. Now c’mon.”
“Uh uh. Not until you tell me what you said.”
“Brian, I’m not going to tell you. Your mom and I had a talk the day you went AWOL. That’s all I’m going to say.” I stared at Terry for a moment. “I’m serious. I’m not going to tell you.”
“I don’t like being in the dark, Terry.”
He sighed. “Look. When you skipped out that day, you scared the shit out of all of us. Your mom, me and Tomas talked for quite a while, and we talked about you for most of it. So can we please leave it at that?”
“You’re conspiring against me with my mom?” I asked incredulously.
“Not against you – for you. Why else would she let you out for me?”
“Great. Fucking terrific.” I glared at him for a moment, and then looked away.
“Brian, don’t be like that, man. It’s only because we care about you.”
“My best friends are working against me, and I’m supposed to be fucking happy about it?” I demanded.
“Not against you. For you. I got you sprung, didn’t I?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Fine,” Terry said with a sigh. “Do you want to go or not.”
“Whatever.”
Terry shook his head and walked away to get ready to go. I started kicking myself the minute he was out of my sight. I knew he wasn’t working against me. What bothered me was that my mom was even tempted to collude with my friends; that my friends had her ear regarding what it was they thought I needed. It made me angry and frustrated.
“Let’s go,” Terry said as he walked back out.
He led me to his car and we were on our way. I wanted to apologize for being such an ass, but the apology stuck in my throat when he spoke again.
“You know, most people in your position would say, ‘Thank you,’ but do you? No. You go off on me because I got you out of your restriction. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do, you know?” I bit my tongue and said nothing in return. He was right, and I hated it. We rode in silence the rest of the way.
When we arrived, the party was running full throttle. Terry took off the minute we got in the door and disappeared into the crowd. It pissed me off to no end that the gap in our friendship rested squarely and solely on my shoulders. With this foremost in my thoughts, I moved into the party.
There were some people I recognized, but most of the people I didn’t. I ignored them all, and instead spied out the bar to do something I had never done before. I rummaged through the tub and came up with a beer. Without hesitation, I twisted off the cap and drank it down, and continued drinking until I felt sick. Somehow I stumbled my way to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, thankful that it was too much beer in my stomach and not too much alcohol in my system that was making me ill.
When I was done puking, I went back out to rejoin the party. I was feeling pretty good in spite of my bathroom visit, and my earlier anger had all but disappeared. I grabbed another beer and turned around. What I saw almost made me drop the bottle I was holding.
Across the room I saw a face I was very familiar with. He was standing against the wall laughing with a group of people I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t help but watch him and my observation went unnoticed. A minute later, another boy about my age handed him a can of soda, and then snuggled up to him. Unbelievably, he put his arm around the other boy and kissed him on the cheek.
I put my beer on whatever was closest and stomped toward him, my rage rekindled. I pushed my way through the crowd and stood before my ex-boyfriend.
“So you can’t be out, huh? It’s too dangerous, huh?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Pete asked, dismayed at my presence.
I looked at the boy Pete still held. “It didn’t take you long.”
“Who is this person, Pete?” The boy asked, eyeing me with distaste.
Pete smirked. “Ryan, this is my ex. He’s the reason I had to change schools. Brian, this is Ryan, my boyfriend.”
“Oh. Him,” Ryan said, his tone hiding nothing.
“You hypocrite. You can’t be out with me, but you out yourself in less than two weeks with him? You fucking bastard.”
“Now just a minute,” Ryan said, stepping between us.
“Get out of my face, man,” I grated. “This is between me and him, and has nothing to do with you.”
“Uh uh, honey. You’re talking to my boyfriend, and that makes it my business.”
I met Ryan’s gaze without flinching. “Oh, I see,” I said with a smirk.
“See what?” Ryan demanded.
I let my eyes slide off of Ryan and looked at Pete. “Nothing worth mentioning. You and your queen enjoy your life.”
“Honey, you ain’t seen…” Ryan began.
“Ryan, don’t,” Pete said, grabbing Ryan from behind and pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him. “He’s not worth getting upset over.”
“Funny,” I sniped. “I was just thinking the same about you.”
“Brian, you need to go,” Pete said angrily. “Now.”
“Problems?” Asked another voice from the side. A boy about Pete’s age and height was looking at me.
“Yeah, Craig, we have problems,” Ryan spat. “This bitch is giving us a hard time.”
“Go, Brian!”
“Brian? This is your ex?” Craig asked, eyebrows raising. “Cres, let’s escort this… person out.”
The other boy, a little taller than Craig and quite a bit heavier, crossed his arms in a belligerent manner. “Sounds good to me.”
“Time for you to go,” Craig said, reaching out to put his hand on my shoulder.
I knocked it aside and eyed him. “Don’t touch me.”
“What are you going to do, Brian? Start a fight?” Pete snidely asked.
“I won’t start one, but I’ll finish it,” I said grimly.
Stepping in front of me, Cres said, “You need to get out. Now!”
“No problem,” I said, still looking at Pete. “I don’t want to be around this hypocrite anyway.”
“Fuck you, Brian,” Pete snapped.
“Not if your life depended on it.”
“That’s it!” yelled Cres as he tried to push me backward with his right arm.
I blocked his arm, turning his body with the momentum of his movement, throwing him off balance.
“Touch me again and you’ll regret it,” I said stiffly. “Don’t worry. I’m leaving anyway.” I turned to Craig. “Nice party… except for the people. You should be more careful, though. Never know what kind of trash will drift in.”
“Fuck you!” Pete barked.
“No, Pete,” I responded resolutely with disdain. “Fuck – you – and go to hell.”
I turned and walked through the crowd, looking for Terry. I saw him standing in the corner an headed for him. When I got there, he took in my appearance with a cool glance.
“I need to go. Can you take me home?”
“I’m not ready to go yet,” Terry answered stiffly, and then turned away from me. “Find your own way home.”
“First Pete, then Ray, and now you. Fine.” I started to walk away.
“What’s that supposed to mean,” Terry called, and placed his hand on my shoulder, trying to hold me back.
“Don’t touch me, Terry,” I coldly ordered, twisting out of his reach. I looked back over my shoulder at him. “At least now I don’t have to wonder whether people will let me down any more. I’ll find my own way home.”
“Brian…” Again he tried to stop me, but I whirled around on him, knocking his hand away.
“Don’t – touch me! You made your position clear. You stay here. I’m going home.”
Terry didn’t try to follow me again.
My mind was a torrent of unrestrained fury. Angry tears crowded into my eyes against my best efforts to suppress them. I could barely think because of all the noise in my head. I knew I needed to do something that would quiet my mind, but my usual recourse wasn’t an option after what had happened with the last run. Half way to the door, I made a stop at the bar, grabbing some beer to go. With a couple of six packs in hand, I walked out of the house and into the night to do something I told myself I would never do.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Brian!” Ray said from the front porch as I wove my way toward the steps.
“Oh. Hi, Ray.”
Ray cocked his head to look at me, and he looked so funny I started to laugh.
“Oh my god. You’re drunk!”
I nodded my head in agreement. “Yup! A dozen beers’ll do that to ya.”
“A dozen?” Ray asked incredulously. “You’re supposed to be at Terry’s. What are you doing here? And why the fuck were you drinking?”
I stumbled toward Ray and laid my hand on his shoulder. Leaning in, I smiled and whispered conspiratorially, “I saw Pete.”
“No fucking way!”
“Yup! Not only did I see Pete, but I saw his boyfriend.”
“What?”
“His boyfriend. They were kissing, too.” I giggled. “He kinda looks like me.”
“That mother fucker,” Ray spat.
“’scuse me. I think I’m gonna puke.”
“God, don’t do it here. Come on.”
Ray led me at a quick march to the barn, where I emptied my stomach.
“Brian, I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault, Ray,” I answered from my knees. “All my fault. Always my fault.”
Ray sighed and helped me to my feet. “Come on, Bri. Let’s get you fixed up.”
Ray helped me into the house, admonishing me to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my mom or Kevin. It was a struggle, but Ray managed to clean me up enough to get me in bed.
“Good night, Brian. Sleep well,” Ray said softly.
I looked at him and felt my heart seize.
“Ray…”
“Yeah?”
I looked away, my mind still enveloped in an alcoholic haze. “Um… could you stay with me? Sleep in here with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”
“Yeah, okay. Let me get my stuff.”
He left and was back a moment later. As he climbed into the bed, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Pete laying there beside me. The image wouldn’t come. After he settled in, I moved closer to him, but turned to face away. Ray rolled toward me and put his arm around me, hugging me tightly for a moment, and then loosened his embrace. Tears formed in my eyes again at the memories the contact had evoked, and I scooted back until Ray was spooning me. He let us lay like that for a moment, and then pulled back a bit.
“Don’t. Stay.” I said softly.
“Brian, I can’t lay like that. I’ll get hard,” Ray said, embarrassed.
“That’s okay… we’re just sleeping, right?” I whispered. “I need someone to hold me right now.”
“If you’re sure…” Ray asked hesitantly.
“I’m sure,” I answered. “If you can handle it, I’m sure.”
“If I don’t handle it, it’ll be easier,” Ray quipped with a quiet chuckle.
He moved back into position, his body contacting mine as much as he had before. It was exactly what I needed. The dam burst, and the tears flooded out of me. Ray held my body tight to his as I cried, and his kiss on my cheek was the last thing I remember before falling into oblivion.