The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Twenty-Three

Denial

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Thursday morning, I went to school as usual, looking forward to seeing Ryan after spending a memorable evening with his family. I really liked his parents and they seemed to like me as well. They were both very supportive of Ryan and I liked to see that.

“Hey, sweetie,” Ryan said as I walked up to him near my locker. He stood on his toes and gave me a peck on the lips.

“Hey, yourself,” I answered, and then picked him up and hugged him tightly. “How was your night?”

“Lonely and cold. Maybe you can stay over this weekend?” Ryan asked hopefully.

“Maybe. I have to go to court tomorrow, but hopefully it won’t take long. After that, I’ll come back to school if there’s time.”

“But you could come over tomorrow night?” Ryan asked.

“Don’t see why not,” I replied with a smile.

“Good! I caught you,” Craig said as he ran up. “My folks are going out of town this weekend, so I’ll have the house to myself. Of course, they said I couldn’t have a party… so we’ll have a gathering Saturday night instead. You’re both invited.” His grin was evil.

“Sounds cool. As long as my mom doesn’t find out,” Ryan said lightly. “Feel like going, Pete?”

“Yes, good, glad you’ll be there,” Craig interrupted briskly. “I’m putting you two to work party – er, gather-proofing the house, so come over around noon. If you see Cres and Loren before I do, tell them the same thing, okay?”

Craig ran off without waiting for an answer.

“The last party he had brought in over a hundred people,” Ryan remarked. “It should be fun.”

“If you want to go, Ry, I’ll go with you,” I promised, and kissed him lightly. “We need to head for class.”

“A pity,” Ryan groused. “I wanted to spend the time with you.”

“Me too, but we can’t skip… at least not today if we want to go to the, uh, gathering.” I kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

I stood outside the court building waiting for my father to arrive. There was a hint of snow in the air carried by a blustery early-winter wind. My nerves were surprisingly calm given the fact that I was going to face my biological parents for the first time since Brian and I had stumbled upon them when we were exploring our old stomping grounds during our summer road trip.

I shuddered as I remembered the first words the man had said when he saw me: “Why, hello… faggot!”

The memory was powerful. I recalled the look of malice on Joe Jameson’s face when he saw Brian and me together, and then Brian’s reaction to them. Brian had been brilliant when he faced off with Joe, strong and fearless. He even called the man a pathetic white-trash asshole.

I felt a pang inside, an unexpected longing for Brian. For all his faults, I never doubted for one moment that he would have my back should things get ugly, or that he would support me if I needed it. His problem was that he…

He had betrayed me, plain and simple. If he loved me he would not have started that fight. He would not have done what he did. He…

“Well, hello, faggot. Where’s your faggot boyfriend, out sucking somebody’s dick?”

The voice from behind had startled me, but I recovered quickly. For an instant I had an image of Brian and what his reaction would have been if he had been there with me. I stood up straight and turned to face the man who had sired me. With him was the woman who bore me. I let my gaze slide from the man to the woman and back, and then Kevin appeared behind them. He saw me and walked toward us.

I let a sneer cross my face. “You people have no power over me, and I owe you nothing. Brian was right. You are pathetic. You’re nothing but a waste of my time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have someone important to meet: my father.”

I pushed my way between them, fully expecting my sperm donor to attack me, but they separated enough to let me pass. Kevin’s expression changed to surprise as he realized who had been confronting me. I stopped a few steps away from them, and turned to look back. Their eyes were narrowed and their expressions displayed their anger.

“Oh, just so you know… after today I never want to see either of you again in my lifetime until you’re in your graves, and then only so I can piss on them.”

I turned back to Kevin, not quite jogging to my father’s side, but not taking my time, either. Once standing with him, he smiled and gave me a hug. I leaned into him to cover up the shaking in my body. I did not let him release me for a moment, soaking in the support he provided. When I stood straight and pulled back, I returned his smile.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you, too, son. Let’s go inside and we can talk there. This shouldn’t take long once things get started, and then you can get back to school. The judge will most likely read the papers and tell them to take a hike. At least that’s what I hope will happen.”

Dad and I walked into the building and up the stairs to the same courtroom we were in when the matter of my emancipation was decided; the same room where I had put the name Jameson behind me and had taken the name of Patterson as my own.

“Is the same judge going to be on this case?” I asked Kevin.

“Yes, Judge Desparo.”

“Good. She doesn’t like Brenda, and since she’s here with Joe…”

“Could help,” Kevin replied while scratching his chin. “Couldn’t hurt, anyway. We have about fifteen minutes until the judge comes in. Do you need to go to the bathroom or anything? Want something to drink?”

“Yeah. Can you get me some orange juice?”

“I’m thirsty myself. Let’s hit the cafeteria really quick.”

We walked into the café and I took a seat at a table while Kevin purchased our drinks. He returned and sat across from me.

“How are you doing, son?” Kevin asked.

“Okay. Facing them like that…” I started shaking my head, “I wasn’t sure I could do it.”

“You did it, all right. You did a damn good job.”

“Thanks.” As I cracked open my orange juice, the unwanted thought came that Brian would have been proud of me.

When the time came, the judge came in and heard from each side for a few minutes and then took a short recess. When she returned, she did as Kevin had surmised, and dismissed their case with prejudice. My biological parents left the courtroom immediately, and did not look back.

“Mr. Patterson,” called a voice from the front of the room. “I hope now that you will be able to get on with your life.”

“Thank you, your honor,” I replied to the judge.

“Where is the other young man who was with you last time? Brian? He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?”

I swallowed the bitterness that would have otherwise colored my response.

“We’re not together any more.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Well, congratulations, Mr. Patterson. Take care.”

“Thank you, your honor, I will.”

Kevin and I walked out of the courthouse together and parted ways after a few words. As I walked to my car, the elation I should have been feeling at finally having those people out of my life was dampened by the judge’s mention of my ex-boyfriend, who had found another way of affecting me without trying. What’s more, I found myself missing him terribly. I got in my car, put the keys in the ignition, and started crying into my arms.

I had intended on going back to school, but after everything that had happened that morning, I did not feel up to it. My emotions were running high, and I did not want to chance breaking down in school, so I went home and tried to take a nap with no success. I lay on my bed until my phone rang that afternoon.

“Hello?”

“Hi, hon,” came Ryan’s welcome voice. “You didn’t come back to school. Did things go okay?”

“Hi, Ry,” I sighed. “Yeah, the case went fine.”

“Are you okay? You don’t sound like it.”

“There… were some bad memories that kind of threw me for a loop, so I came home.”

“What were they about?”

“The past,” I stated flatly, not wanting to discuss my thoughts about Brian.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked, voice full of concern.

“You can come over if you want, or I can come over to your house.

“You come to my place since we’re going over to Craig’s place tomorrow night,” Ryan requested. “You can stay over if you want. Mom will be fine with it, especially if you don’t feel like being alone.”

“Thanks. That would be nice. I’ll be over in an hour after I clean up and get some things together, okay?”

“Sounds great, hon. I’ll let mom know you’ll be here for sure. Don’t forget your homework, either, or some sexy clothes.” I could hear his smirk through the phone.

“I won’t. See you soon.”

“Love you. Bye.”

Ryan hung up, and I looked at the receiver in my hand. The boy on the other end of the phone had invaded my life and nearly taken it over, and I did not mind one bit. With a smile, I replaced the receiver in its cradle and headed for the shower.

After shaving, I was choosing a nice shirt and pants for the party the next night when I caught sight of the dress I had worn to the Halloween dance. The smile it brought to my face was wiped away by the memory of one of Brian’s many nightmares, the dream where he had been wearing a dress and his mother had told him she wanted a son instead of him. I had felt so bad for him that night.

I shook myself out of that train of thought and finished getting my things together. However, an unpleasant, nagging sense of longing settled in my chest, and it made me angry. Brian had made his decision and he needed to deal with it, just like I was dealing with the fall out.

I hope he’s miserable, came the thought, followed by the question, Why? Because you are?

“Shut up,” I told myself irritably while I finished gathering my things and headed out the door.

Mrs. Tracey arrived at their house just as I parked my car. She waved as she pulled into the garage. When she got out, she smiled.

“Hello, Pete. How are you?”

“Good, thanks,” I answered. “Ryan invited me over earlier.”

“Oh, I know. He’s excited about having you over,” she responded, and then added, “He’s excited about you in general.”

I smiled, uncertain how to respond.

“Are you as excited about seeing him as he is about you?” She asked, her eyes slightly narrowed.

“Yes, Mrs. Tracey, I am. It’s just….” I swallowed and decided that she deserved to know what was going on in my head. “How much has Ryan told you about me?”

“Enough to know that you haven’t had an easy life.”

“No, not really. You know I’m emancipated?”

Her scrutiny left me uneasy. “No, he failed to mention that fact.” Her expression softened. “Will you tell me what happened?”

I shrugged. “My biological parents hate the fact that I’m…” I couldn’t say the word. “… that I am what I am.”

“Gay?” I nodded. “It’s not a crime, Pete. There are many wonderful people out there who happen to be gay.”

“No, it’s not okay as far as my mom and her boyfriend were concerned!” I responded with some heat. “If it was okay with them, they wouldn’t have tried to kill me!”

“Oh, Pete…”

“If it was okay to be gay, they wouldn’t have abused me. If it was okay to be gay, I wouldn’t be here, I’d still be with B–”

“Be with… whom?”

I took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. Choices was made; it’s over and done.” I stood silently for a moment, scowling at nothing. “What does matter is where I am now, not where I was.”

Mrs. Tracey responded with compassion in her voice. “Honey, if we don’t deal with the past, we’ll live in it forever.”

“I have dealt with it.”

She observed me quietly for a few seconds, and then said, “All I ask is that you don’t hurt Ryan.”

“Trust me, I know what that feels like, and it’s the last thing I want to do.”

“Glad to hear that. Now go on inside and say hi.” I walked toward the door. “Oh, Pete? If you need to talk or anything, I have a good ear.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Tracey. I appreciate that.”

“Come on in, guys. You’re just in time.” Craig greeted us with a smile. “Pick a box, a room, and put anything breakable into the garage.”

“Nice to see you too, Craig,” Ryan quipped as Craig turned away.

“Oh, shut up and get to work,” Craig retorted, lightly slapping Ryan in the side of the head with a grin.

The two of us wandered upstairs toward the master bedroom.

“Get the hell out of there!” Came the call from Craig standing at the bottom of the stairs. “No sex in the ‘rents’ bedroom! Or my room for that matter. Or any room! As a matter of fact, get your asses down here and do the dining room.”

Laughing at our friend’s antics, Ryan and I did as he ordered, and when we were done, sat on the couch in the living room and took a nap. Craig woke us up later.

“You guys are disgusting, you know that? And no help to boot. I invite you over here to clean my house and you take a nap.” His grin revealed a lack of anger. “It’s about six. If you guys want something to eat, there’s pizza on the way.”

“Thanks,” Ryan answered as he snuggled back down into my arms. “Let us know when it gets here.”

“It’ll be about a half-hour,” Craig said with an exaggerated sigh. “You guys have time to wash off the slobber and get all prettied up. The party starts at eight.”

“He’s right,” I whispered impishly into Ryan’s ear. “I do need to wash off your slobber.”

“Hey! I do not slobber!”

“Yes you do. See?” I pointed out a wet spot on my shirt where he had drooled a bit in his sleep. At his wide eyed expression of disbelief, I kissed him on the cheek. “That’s okay, Ry. It’s cute.”

“You just saved yourself, Pete. I was getting ready to hit you.”

“Why?”

“General purpose.” Ryan stood and offered his hand to me. “Come on. Let’s go get cleaned up.”

“One at a time!” Craig demanded. “No sex in the house.”

“You’re a prude, Craig.”

Craig’s disgusted expression did little to hide his amusement. “Well, all right. A little sex. But I don’t want to see it or hear it!”

“Liar,” Ryan retorted as he pulled me to my feet. “You’re as much of a sex fiend as I am. You just hide it in the closet.”

“Bite me.” Craig changed his mind instantly. “Uh, never mind. You’d enjoy it too much.”

“Damn right,” Ryan teased. “I don’t know how many times I’ve offered, either.”

“You what?” I asked incredulously.

“Oh, not since I met you, hon,” Ryan assured me as he stood on his toes, kissing me on the lips. “Who would want him when they have you?”

“Aw, I don’t have to take this shit,” Craig complained, and stomped off toward the kitchen, followed by Ryan’s chuckle.

The party was in full swing and the house was full, leaving standing room only. Beer was flowing freely, giving the party an air of celebration. Most of the people I recognized as being from Pine Crest, and some I did not. Craig was bouncing around, going from room to room, talking to his guests and making sure nothing got out of hand. He seemed to be in his element, laughing with everyone he spoke with. It was amusing to watch him.

“Can I get you another soda, hon?” Ryan asked sweetly as we stood along the wall in the dining room. I nodded with a smile and he skipped off toward the makeshift bar.

“He’s getting us something to drink,” I answered as Cres and Loren approached. “Hi, guys. How’re you doing?”

“Pretty good,” Cres replied with a smile. “You? Having a good time?”

“Not bad, and yeah, I am,” I replied with a smile. “It’s nice to be able to relax.”

Ryan returned at that moment and handed me a soda. “You’re relaxed?”

“Yeah, I am. I feel good,” I said as Ryan pushed his way into my arms. I smiled down at him, and kissed him on the cheek. “I feel really good.”

“Cool,” Cres smiled. “It’s good to see you…”

“So you can’t be out, huh?” Came a voice. “It’s too dangerous, huh?”

I looked at the person standing in front of me and felt my jaw fall open. My throat was suddenly dry, and I croaked, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Brian ignored my question and stared meaningfully at Ryan. “It didn’t take you long.”

“Who is this… person, Pete?” Ryan asked, his tone revealing his disgust.

Ryan’s question gave me a moment to recover my wits. “Ryan, this is the reason I had to change schools,” I explained, and then grinned spitefully at my ex. “Brian, this is Ryan, my boyfriend.”

“Oh. Him,” Ryan sniffed, his tone matching my mood perfectly.

“You hypocrite,” Brian responded angrily. “You can’t be out with me, but you out yourself in less than two weeks with him? You fucking bastard.”

“Now just a minute, bitch!” Ryan said, stepping between us.

“Get out of my face, man,” Brian ordered through gritted teeth. “This is between me and him, and has nothing to do with you.”

“Uh uh, honey,” bristled Ryan. “You’re talking to my boyfriend, and that makes it my business.”

Brian’s smug smile infuriated me. “Oh, I see.”

“See what?” Ryan demanded.

Brian’s gaze shifted to meet my eyes, disregarding Ryan in an instant. “Nothing worth mentioning. You and your queen enjoy your life.”

“Honey, you ain’t seen…” Ryan began.

“Ryan, don’t,” I said, pulling my boyfriend back into my arms. “He’s not worth getting upset over.”

“Funny,” Brian snapped. “I was just thinking the same about you.”

His entire demeanor; his very presence made me angry. “Brian, you need to go. Now.”

“Problems?” Craig asked from the side in a hard voice. He had returned while Brian and I had been arguing.

“Yeah, Craig, we have problems,” Ryan all but yelled. “This bitch is giving us a hard time.”

“Go, Brian!” I demanded angrily.

“Brian? This is your ex?” Craig asked, eyebrows rising. “Cres, let’s escort this… person out.”

The other boy, a little taller than Craig and quite a bit heavier, crossed his arms in a belligerent manner. “Sounds good to me.”

“Time for you to go,” Craig said, reaching out push Brian away from us.

Brian casually knocked it aside and eyed him. “Don’t touch me.”

“What are you going to do, Brian?” I asked sarcastically, “start a fight?”

“I won’t start one, but I’ll finish it,” Brian replied in a determined voice, and I knew he meant it.

Cres stepped between us and barked at Brian, “You need to get out. Now!”

“No problem,” Brian answered in a barely audible voice that chilled me to my core, his eyes boring into mine. “I don’t want to be around this hypocrite anyway.”

“Fuck you, Brian,” I hissed angrily.

“Not if your life depended on it.”

“That’s it!” Yelled Cres, and he tried to push Brian who easily pushed his arm away.

“Touch me again and you’ll regret it,” Brian warned, and then continued, “Don’t worry. I’m leaving anyway.” Brian turned to Craig. “Nice party… except for the people. You should be more careful, though... you never know what kind of trash will drift in.”

“Fuck you!” I barked, seething inside.

“No, Pete,” Brian responded resolutely with disdain. “Fuck – you – and go to hell.” He spun on his heel and quickly moved away.

I pushed Ryan to the side in an attempt to go after Brian, but he and my friends held me back.

“Stay here, Pete,” Cres said, his eyes tracking Brian as he disappeared into the crowd. “I’ll follow and make sure he bails.”

“Don’t touch him,” I cautioned him. “If you do, he’ll fight… and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Cres nodded as he followed Brian.

“What an asshole,” Ryan commented as Cres walked away. “No wonder you dumped him.” An image of Brian’s determined expression crossed before my mind’s eye, an expression that drew me to him. An empty place formed in my gut as I realized that Brian was truly over me. No doubt remained in my mind that he no longer cared about me, and that left me with a profound sense of loss. “I don’t know what you ever saw in him,” Ryan finished.

“Yeah,” I answered, my voice oddly weak, “me either,” but in my heart I knew that was not true.

Brian’s abrupt arrival and departure left me feeling weak. Shortly after Brian walked away, I pulled Ryan into my arms and hugged him so tight that he grunted, and didn’t let him go until he squirmed. When he managed to get himself out of my grasp, his tone was worried.

“Are you okay, hon?”

I looked him deeply in the eyes. I saw in them genuine concern and love, but something was missing – something I did not realize I needed until Brian had appeared.

“Ryan, I think I need to go,” I said quietly. “I’m not feeling well.”

“Let me get our stuff, and we’ll go home.”

I stopped Ryan with a hand on the shoulder. “I’m sorry. I need to be alone, Ry. This whole thing… it just bothers me. I need to think.”

Ryan’s disappointment was clear, but he stood on his toes and kissed me gently. “ I understand. You have my number- if you need or want company, call me. It doesn’t matter what time. You call and I’ll be there.”

“Thank you. Craig, I’m sorry.”

“Hey man, don’t be,” replied my friend. “I understand.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you.”

Ryan said, “I’ll see you out, okay?”

I nodded and Ryan took my hand. When we got to my car, he turned to me again.

“If I could take this pain away, I would.”

“I know, Ry,” I sighed. “I think this is something I need to work through.”

He put his hands on my shoulders. “You don’t have to do it alone, hon. I’ll be glad to sit with you and just be there for you. Please?”

I smiled sadly at Ryan. “I’m sorry, Ry. I need some time to myself to do some thinking. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

Ryan’s gaze pierced me, and he ran his hands down over my chest. “Okay. I love you.”

He kissed me again, and then returned to the house without looking back. As I got into my car, the hole in my gut grew deeper.

Sunday I spent alone, letting my mind churn with the emotions that had come to light during my confrontation with Brian. The sense of emotional loss still haunted me well into the afternoon. The accusations and statements he had made rang far too true for my liking, and I resented it. I resented the mere fact of his presence at Craig’s house. How the hell did he get to the party anyway?

My dad came over sometime that evening. I let him in even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hear him lecture me, and I wanted him to leave me alone so I could think. I wanted everyone to leave me alone so I could think.

“What do you want, Dad?”

“I want you to tell me what happened last night.”

“Can’t we do this later?” I sighed. I really wanted him to leave.

“No, we can not do this later,” Kevin said sharply. “I want you to tell me what happened last night when you spoke to Brian.”

I snorted. “Spoke? No, we didn’t speak. Brian showed up where he wasn’t invited in the first place, and then went out of his way to insult me, insult my friends, and insult Ryan. He started yelling at me. He almost started a fight with Craig and Cres before he left.”

“And that’s all?”

“Yeah, that’s all, unless you count the uproar he caused with everyone else there.”

“What exactly was happening at Craig’s, anyway?” My dad asked speculatively with narrowed eyes.

“A bunch of people came over.”

“A party?”

My stomach dropped. I could tell where this was going. “Yeah. So what?”

“Was there alcohol there?”

“Maybe. I didn’t have any.”

“Pete, stop equivocating!” Kevin barked, his expression angry. “Was there alcohol or not?”

“Don’t yell at me!” I snapped back. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“You went to a party where there was alcohol was being served to minors, and you were one of the people there who is legally responsible for their actions as adults. That makes you somewhat responsible for the entire thing. But you didn’t think about that, did you?”

A scowl crossed my face. “Why should I have to? I’m not their keeper.”

Kevin eyed me critically. “You are supposed to be capable of being a responsible adult. That is why Judge Desparo emancipated you. For the first time, I’m wondering if that was the right decision.”

“Get out of my apartment.”

“I’ll go, but I want you to think about this,” he stated. “Who is acting more like a responsible adult, you by telling Brian to leave you alone, and then pursuing him in his own home when he tried to do what you wanted, or Brian, who is doing everything he can to respect your wishes. Who is more mature? You by getting another boyfriend just weeks after your splitting up with Brian, and then doing the exact things that you left Brian for, or Brian, who has reconciled himself to the fact that you don’t want him around anymore, and who is moving on with his life? Who is really acting the mature adult, Pete?”

“Get the fuck out of my apartment!”

Without a word, Kevin turned around and walked out, gently shutting the door behind him.

“God damn it! Why me?” I shouted to the ceiling.

From deep inside me a soft, quiet voice answered.

Because you asked for it.

The only things that muffled my screams were the pillows on my bed.