The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter 22

Parallels

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Will asked Mom to step out of the office for a bit just before the session ended, and we talked about coping with the changes in my life. I told him I was filling my time with other things like school, working out, reading, and spending time with Jason and Ray. He cautioned me to take care of my body; to not abuse it during my workouts. My response was a shrug, and to remind him I’d been working out for a long time and knew what my body could take. Will could only repeat his warning.

He brought Mom back in and explained that he was prescribing an anti-depressant for me. Will gave Mom a prescription for Prozac for me to take, and explained that I would need to be watched closely while taking the drug, because it could worsen the depression, possibly to the point of suicidal tendencies. The doctor and my mom went back and forth about the need for me taking the drug. Will said I had a mild depression and was worried it would deepen if left untreated. He assured us that it was for a limited time; only six months to a year at the most. While I was taking it, I would have mandatory weekly visits with Will so he could ascertain where I was at. In the end, Mom agreed, and that was that.

Before we took our leave, the man encouraged me to continue writing about the history of what had happened between Pete and me in my journal. Will was of the opinion that it would help me to get the emotions out and help me put things into perspective. Will also gave me a refill on lorazepam before ending the session in case I had any panic attacks. I hadn’t been able to find my pills since Pete moved out, which probably meant Pete had them, and I wasn’t about to call him again after he slammed the phone on me the last time.

We stopped at a pharmacy to get the prescriptions filled. While Mom took care of that, I picked up some protein powder and a muscle magazine. If I was going to work out, I was going to get the most out of it that I could. Mom looked askance at my selections and I thought her eyes were going to pop when she saw the price of the protein mix, but she bought it without saying anything. I thought to myself she was going to have a conniption when I bought one or more of those cans a week.

The first thing I did when I got home was go online and look up workout routines that would work best for me. I found a three-day routine that fit the bill, hitting every muscle group I wanted to work on, and with the running I was planning on fitting in, I’d have a perfect plan assuming I could talk Ray and Jason, and perhaps Kevin into spotting – or even working out with me.

I laughed at the thought of Kevin lying on a bench sweating and swearing as he pumped iron. Ray had mentioned some interest, but I wasn’t certain he was serious. Jason I didn’t know about, so I got the three of them together and pitched the idea. To my great surprise, all three of them accepted. I explained the routine I would be using, and that since my weights would probably be much different than theirs, they could use a different regimen without a problem.

The next day was difficult for me. Mom and I had an argument that morning about my restriction and how long it would last. We finally settled on a week, with the caveat that Terry and Tomas could come over to the house. I managed to get ready for school without confronting or provoking her further.

At school I went through the paces like a good little boy, following my CIA buddies from class to class and keeping a lookout for people that were being harassed. It seemed like the amount of hazing had dropped drastically from what I remembered seeing in the weeks before. It was nice to have something going right for a change. When lunch rolled around, I was feeling well. Tomas and Terry greeted their permission to visit warmly, but I again warned them to come ready to work out. I had pity on them, however, and only made them spot me as we talked.

The story poured out of me as I worked out, a cold hard look at what had happened from the time Pete left for Portland until the recent history that my friends already knew. I made no effort to hide my own faults, and no attempt to hide the tears that occasionally fell. Tomas and Terry asked questions on occasion, which I did my best to answer. By the end of the week, Terry and Tomas knew me better than anyone besides Pete.

It was strangely liberating as the story was told. Someone outside of the family, someone who had no vested interest in me as a gay person, someone who cared about nothing but being a friend, knew the whole truth. Whether the trust I had given them and the trust I had in them would be a blessing or a curse was yet to be seen.

Over the next several days we kept up the pattern. I modified my diet to match the workouts and drank protein shakes to maximize the effect on my body. It felt good getting back into a continuous routine once more, and it also kept my mind busy and off my ex-boyfriend, among other things. It was a good arrangement.

On the writing front, however, I couldn’t seem to get anything working. Every time I sat down to write, nothing I put down made me happy. I could write a paragraph or a sentence, but no more than that. I could feel the words and emotions ready to burst out of me, but when it came time to put them down, I couldn't do it. It was frustrating me to no end.

I started taking the anti-depressants Will had prescribed, and they made me jittery, hyperactive, and anxious. I couldn’t sit still in class, constantly fidgeting to my instructors’ annoyance. When I went back to Will the following Monday and informed him of my anxiety, he said that my discomfort would pass as I built up my dosage to the level he wanted.

The day after my appointment with Will, I was at home hiding out in my room while Pete was over visiting with his dad and planning their approach for the court case with his biological father. I was curled up on my bed reading my magazine when I heard the phone ring. A few minutes later a knock sounded at my door. I sighed and rolled off the bed to open the door, only to be confronted by Pete. I simply looked at him, suppressing any emotional reaction his appearance caused, keeping my expression carefully neutral. I didn’t want to argue or fight with him.

“Chris is on the phone,” he said flatly, his face drawn up in a scowl.

I walked past him and into the kitchen without acknowledgement. The phone was resting on the counter. With a deep breath I picked it up and sat at the table.

“Hey, Chris. What’s up?” I greeted him.

“Hey, Bro,” Chris answered, his voice heavy. “Things are going, I guess. How’s it with you?”

“’Bout the same here,” I said cautiously, not wanting to go into my issues at the moment. Chris sounded distressed, so I played my gut feeling. “What’s wrong, Chris?”

“Just a lot of shit over the last couple of days,” Chris said slowly. “Needed to hear a friendly voice, I think.”

“Must be some heavy shit then,” I responded, waiting for him to tell me what was on his mind. Chris snorted and said something about a guy named Gig. When I asked him to explain, he didn’t respond.

“Is everyone okay?” I asked him carefully.

“Fine, but kind of hard to say,” Chris commented blandly. “No one’s dead, so I guess that’s good.”

I asked him a few more questions about this Gig person, but Chris rebuffed my attempts.

“Look. Forget I mentioned it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Okay, Chris,” I said cautiously. “Is that why you called? Not that I have to go or anything. You have me worried.”

“Bri…”

I swallowed at his use of my nickname. No one but Pete had called me that in a long time. “I’m here, Chris. I’m not going anywhere.”

Chris sighed deeply and said, “Look, Bri… When you were here, did you… sort of… didn’t… all that stuff….”

I waited for Chris to decide what he wanted to say. His confusion worried me more than anything.

“I mean, why didn’t you ever tell me what was going on with you?” Chris demanded. “Huh? Didn’t you get how it was getting to me?”

“I was… afraid, Chris,” I admitted with a sigh. “I knew that I could trust you, and I did trust you. I didn’t trust myself. I knew it was bothering you, and that I was hurting you.”

“Why?” Chris exploded. “What the fuck was so wrong that you couldn’t trust me? It was like lying to me!”

“I just… Chris, I’m gay!” I said, sputtering. “As far as I knew you were straight. What was I supposed to do? Tell you I loved you? Have you weird out on me…”

“No! No! I don’t give a shit about that!” Chris interrupted, talking over me. “You know that! It was covering up all this stuff that almost killed you!”

I continued, “… lose the only place I had to call ho…”

Chris’s accusations brought me up short. I took a deep breath and answered him.

“I didn’t know it was a problem, Chris.”

“You weren’t going to lose nothing. You knew that! Why lie ‘bout it all? Why?” Chris asked accusatorily.

“I didn’t lie!” I snapped, becoming angry. “I didn’t know what was happening! All I knew was that I was losing the one thing I had to stop all the pain! I had to do something to try and fix it! I was so goddamn self-absorbed that I didn’t know anything else!”

My mom peeked around the corner, a frown on her face. I turned away from her, trying to concentrate on the conversation I was having with my foster brother.

“And killing yourself was fixing it?” Chris retorted angrily. “It doesn’t make any fucking sense! I am so sick of all this stuff people are hiding. No one is being honest!”

Mom walked into my field of view again. I glanced at her and she mouthed the words, “Watch your language.”

I mouthed the words, “Go away!” Her eyes narrowed, but she left the kitchen.

Afraid I was losing Chris’s friendship, I earnestly offered, “What do you want to know, Chris? I’ll tell you anything you want to know!” I sat back in my chair and continued quietly, “I didn’t want to die. I was doing what I thought I had to do to stay in shape. I… I didn’t realize what was happening.”

“I just want to know why?” Chris asked, his tone quiet. “I can’t figure anyone out any more. I don’t know who anybody is. I don’t even know myself!”

“I never meant to hurt you, Chris. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do!”

“No one means to, but they do,” Chris responded. “I don’t get it, Bri. It’s so goddamn stupid.”

“What do you want me to say, Chris?” I was at a complete loss.

“I don’t know,” my brother whispered. “I’m just so damn tired of it all.”

“Chris, you have to know that I love you,” I said sincerely. “You’ve been my brother and put up with all my shit. You mean so much to me…” Unexpected tears filled my eyes and choked me up. “I can’t tell you how much. You saved my life, Chris. In more ways than one.”

“No, bro,” Chris stated harshly. “I never saved anyone’s life. That’s something I’ve never been able to do.”

A long silence fell over us. The line of conversation had me thinking in circles. Chris’s frustration with people whom he believed were lying to him was easy to read, but why would we be having this conversation out of the blue? Or were we?

“Chris, did Tony lie to you?”

“What?” Chris blurted, caught by surprise.

“Did Tony lie to you about something?” I asked again. He did not respond. “Chris? You still there?”

“Is… lie?” Chris mumbled, and then asked, “Is not saying something important a lie?”

“It can be,” I said slowly, thinking hard. “Depends on the circumstances, I guess. And the reason.”

“No, dammit,” Chris shot back. “Forget the circumstances! What’s wrong with being up front?”

“Being up front is all well and good,” I said gently, “but what if doing that would destroy someone?”

“What’s so damn important that someone’s got to hide everything?” Chris demanded. “Did you know Ben Walls used to deal drugs? Huh?”

The tangent threw me. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s all this shit people hide just so someone will be liked. I don’t get it!”

“You hid your feelings from me,” I reminded him calmly. “Why?”

“I didn’t even know how I felt,” Chris answered, nonplussed. “I didn’t understand it. How the hell can I hide something that I don’t even get?”

I pressed him, “But you had your doubts, right?”

“That’s not the point, Bri!” Chris angrily retorted. “If I knew I would’ve told you! I told you everything I did know, and that’s what counts!”

“And Tony didn’t, is that it?” I asked, bringing the conversation back on topic and trying to pin Chris down.

“Do you know how much shit he was hiding from me? How much important stuff he kept away from everyone?” Chris asked, still angry.

“Chris, I want to help you, but you’re not making a lot of sense.”

“None of it makes any goddamn sense! None of it!” Chris shouted into the phone.

“No, it doesn’t,” I barked back, “and it won’t unless you tell me!”

Chris began telling me of Tony’s history: the attempted rapes, his parents’ sending Tony back to the scene of the crime, the abuse he had suffered, his creation of the personality that was Tony at his father’s unspoken demand, and ending with Chris holding Mr. Braden to the wall.

“I wanted to beat him to death. GOD! He even said he hated Andy is gay!” This comment struck home. To tell your child that you hate him for something he has no control over is unforgivable.

“Motherfucker!” I swore loudly. “He’s lucky I ain’t down there.”

“Brian Andrew Kellam! Watch your language!” Came my mother’s voice from the dining room. I ignored it.

“I couldn’t do it, Bri. Andy was so mad, and his dad was so… pathetic. Ma was coming apart.”

“Jesus, Chris,” I whispered, uncertain what to say.

“Why didn’t Andy tell me before?” Chris choked out. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” I growled. “He had to have been scared of something.”

“He… he said I wouldn’t have wanted to know him. But that can’t be true. I love him!” Chris said, his voice forlorn.

Still angry with the Bradens, I replied sharply, “I know you love him, Chris, and I have to believe that he loves you, too, in spite of this.” When Chris remained silent, I continued, “Chris, there has to be a reason.”

“How do I know? If he can’t tell me the truth… what’s he really feel? I don’t know,” Chris grumbled.

“Do you believe he still loves you in your heart?” I asked softly.

“I want to believe… I don’t know,” Chris replied seriously. “I mean, Bri, how does anyone know? How can I trust he’s telling me the truth? I… don’t know what to believe.”

Thinking back to the time I spent with Chris during my darkest days, there was one thing Chris always had that I didn’t, and it was time to remind him of it.

“The only thing we have is our heart and faith, Chris. You taught me that.”

“Faith?” Chris snorted derisively. “This was too big, Bri. Too big! Can’t hide something like that. Shouldn’t hide something that big. Too important not to know.”

“I agree,” I said quickly, “but consider it from his angle. He was afraid to lose you. He said so.”

“That’s what I don’t get. How could he lose me by telling me? It doesn’t make any damn sense! I mean, he didn’t lose me when David beat the crap out of me, so what’s the difference?”

“With something this big? It’s hard to know what people will do, even if you trust them,” I told him quietly. “He was afraid, Chris! I felt the same way about my problems and telling Pete. And he waited for me all that time and put up with my shit on top of it!”

“Afraid of me? Of what? Me? Come on!” Chris responded angrily. “He knew I was cool with you. He knows how much I love you and didn’t give a damn what went on before!”

I took a deep breath and spoke forcefully. “I wasn’t raped, Chris!”

“Doesn’t matter,” Chris dismissed the statement. “Not like he wanted them to do it. He fought ‘em ‘til they beat him down! I know the difference!”

“That you’d think he was worthless because of it?”

“What? Worthless? That’s stupid!”

“How could Tony know, with one-hundred percent certainty, that you weren’t going to cut him loose?” I demanded, and then forestalled his immediate objection by following on, “Think before you answer!”

Chris was quiet, perhaps mumbling under his breath. The debate was hitting pretty close to home. In defending Tony, I was defending myself in a way, because the issues I was projecting onto him were the same issues I struggled with inside.

“He knows me!” Chris blurted a moment later.

“I knew you too, Chris!” I said with some desperation. “Maybe he was afraid you didn’t want damaged merchandise, and I was just as afraid!”

“Why is everybody so damn afraid of me?” Chris asked angrily. “God, Brian, You knew I loved you. So did Andy!”

“It’s not you they’re afraid of, Chris!” I replied quickly. “It’s losing you that they’re afraid of!”

“No! Bullshit! I can’t buy that. You lose someone when you’re not honest with ‘em.” Chris stated flatly.

“Not everyone has your accepting nature, Chris! Most people would have dumped both me and Tony!”

“I don’t believe that,” Chris countered. “You don’t dump or trash someone just ‘cause they’ve had it bad.”

“Want to bet?” I demanded, thinking of everything I’d lost in the last month or so. “It happens all the time, Chris.”

“But that’s not me. Andy knows that! I would…” Chris paused mid-sentence.

“You would… what, Chris?” I prompted.

“Nothing!” Chris said after a slight pause. “I wouldn’t’ve done nothing!”

“Bullshit. What were you going to say?”

Chris paused and then asked, “Brian, do you think I would’ve stayed away from him if I knew?”

I let out a sigh of relief and took several deep breaths to relax my tense body. Finally we were making headway.

“I… I don’t know, Chris. It would have depended on a lot of things. You didn’t know yourself like you do now.” I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t think it would have made a difference.”

“Bri… did I fall in love with the wrong person?”

“No,” I responded immediately. “I refuse to believe that.”

“Did I even know who I fell in love with?” He asked plaintively, and then answered himself. “I… I didn’t. And… it scares me, Brian.”

“Chris, no one ever knows another person completely. But you still love him.”

“I…” Chris’s silence spoke more than his words.

“Do you still love him?” I asked slowly.

“I… Brian, I don’t know who I fell in love with,” Chris said emotionlessly.

“Then start over with him,” I suggested carefully. “Give him another chance.”

“With what? Who? Tony? Andy? Who is he?” Chris asked, confused.

“That’s something you’ll have to find out. It’s literally starting over.” Chris made a noise I didn’t understand, so I said, “Are you willing to do that?”

“I… um… Bri, I don’t know if I can. I can’t just forget about everything that’s happened… go on like it didn’t.”

I swallowed and took another deep breath. Hadn’t Pete done just that? Hadn’t he picked up and left as though what we had between us was valueless? I forced myself to return to my conversation with Chris.

“No one could, Chris.”

Chris whispered, “How? I’m not smart enough. It’ll all get in the way.”

“It’s all about how much you love him and how much you’re willing to forgive.”

Another lightning bolt struck my soul. If our positions were reversed, Chris and I could be talking about my relationship with Pete. It took me a moment to shake myself out of that line of thought.

“Chris, I know you pretty well. I also know you love Tony and he loves you.”

“I don’t…” Chris began. “Brian, I don’t know who I fell in love with. I don’t know which one of him to love.”

“The decision is yours: Tony won’t call you… and there’s only one person there, Chris. No matter what name he uses, he’s the same person.”

“But who is there?” Chris questioned. “That’s… I fell in love with Tony… but I love Andy more… and now I don’t know who Andy is.”

“Yes you do,” I informed him. “He’s the same person. The difference is that now you know more, and you need to decide if you can live with it.”

Another pang ran through me as I realized I had put Pete in exactly the same position Chris was now in.

“Bri… I don’t know what to decide,” Chris said, his frustration transmitting clearly.

“It’s hard, Chris. I know it is… because you don’t know how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes I… not knowing what to tell Pete eats me up inside.”

“Why did it have to turn out like this?” Chris asked.

I shrugged even though he couldn’t see it. “It just did.”

“Brian… um… thanks for being there.”

“No problem, bro,” I assured him. “Wish I could do more. Doesn’t sound like I helped much.” I added sadly.

“You did. I guess you helped. I just… just didn’t want it all to come down on me. That’s all.”

“Chris,” I said quietly. “Only you can decide what makes you happy in the long run. No one else knows what that is except you. Follow your heart, bro. It’s a lot smarter than you give it credit for.”

“Is it?” Chris demanded bitterly.

“It was always there for me when I needed it! Look, Chris, I can’t tell you what to decide.”

“Everyone says that,” Chris carped.

“And they’re right, and you know it.”

“Yeah…”

“Chris, I don’t know if this is going to make any sense or not, but you….” I struggled with what I wanted to say. “You aren’t like most people. When you think of yourself, others are always in that picture. It’s not in your nature to be alone. It’s not who you are. You always thought about what was best for us, not for you. You’ve got… something… going on inside of you. Maybe it’s from losing your dad; I don’t know, but I remember us being closer when you thought about us together. Sometimes you didn’t even care what I… what was happening to you at the time. Whatever that thing is, it got you through.”

“Brian, this is my life!” Chris cried.

“It’s more than that, Chris,” I rebutted. “It’s Andy’s and everyone else’s who’s around you… even mine... and Pete’s. That’s something you taught me, and I don’t want you to forget it!” Silently I finished in my head, “Not like I did.”

“I’ve got to think about this some more,” Chris said.

“I know you do, and you’re already doing it.” I answered, hoping that I’d really helped this young man I called brother.

“Brian… thanks.”

“Bro, don’t leave me hanging out here. Call me any time, day or night; it doesn’t matter. Send me an e-mail. Write a damn letter if you have to, but don’t leave me out. I’m worried about you, Chris, and I want to be here for you.” I said all of this knowing I was shutting him out, but he had enough to deal with, and I’d pretty much come to terms with how things were.

“I won’t leave you out, Bri. I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that. I know how you are about this whole promise thing, and I won’t… it won’t let you sleep if you break it.”

“Yeah, you’re right: it wouldn’t.”

I sighed and closed my eyes. “Give mom a hug and kiss from me… and Pete. Love you, Chris.”

“Love you too, Brian,” he replied softly. “I miss you. Miss having you here… still.”

I choked back a sudden sob. “I’m still there, Chris. I’m wherever you are, and don’t forget that either.”

“I needed to hear that,” my friend said, emotions pouring through the phone line.

“It’s the truth, and you don’t have to be afraid to believe it. Take care of yourself, Chris. You’ll figure out the right thing to do.”

“I hope so,” Chris murmured. “Bye, Brian.”

“You will,” I assured him. “Remember, I’m here if and when you need me.”

“Thanks. Love you.”

“Love you, too,” I whispered. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line went dead. I held the phone to my ear until the busy signal sounded, straining to hear another word from Chris that wasn’t coming. I stared at the phone, wondering at the coincidence that some of the issues Chris was dealing with at that very moment were the same issues that had come between Pete and me. I sat there in the chair for a long moment, allowing my stomach to settle and making sure the sob I had been fighting back was going to stay down.

I rose and hung up the phone. Pete, who was sitting in the dining room, looked up as I came into view. I ignored him and went to my room, avoiding the penetrating gaze from Kevin and the glare from my mother, still angry with my choice of words. I lay on the bed for a moment, pondering the conversation I’d just had with my brother. He and I had gone through so much together. He had saved my life regardless of what he thought. If he hadn’t found me that day, I would have died in my bed.

Shaking off the morose mood that threatened to consume me, I put on my sweats for a workout and opened the door to find Pete with his hand raised to knock. I continued to ignore him, slipping past him and starting toward the kitchen. His voice caught up to me.

“Is Chris okay?”

I shrugged and kept walking, not looking back. He’d made his decision, and had been very clear where he stood. Now we both had to live with it.

I made it out to the workout room and had started working dumbbells before the tears came, for both Chris and myself. I missed him so much, especially now that Pete was out of my life, but I would not add my troubles to those Chris was dealing with already. I couldn’t do that to him, so I would keep them to myself.

“The least you could do is be civil,” Pete carped from the door.

Still I ignored him, completing the set I was working on, and resting for a moment until it was time for the next set. When I began lifting the next group of reps, Pete spoke.

“Brian, don’t be any more of an ass than you already have been.”

An adrenaline surge made it difficult to keep my breathing and rhythm steady through out the set, but I managed it. Realizing that Pete was going to stand there and antagonize me if I didn’t do something, I put the weights back in their rack and walked past Pete and out of the room. His hand landed on my shoulder, and I jumped away, landing in a fighting crouch a few steps away.

“Yeah,” Pete sneered. “Fighting is always your first choice, isn’t it.”

I stood up slowly and backed away from him until I felt I could safely return to the house, and hurried back to my room. I shut the door just in time to see Pete pursuing me down the hall. I had just picked up the desk chair to wedge the door when it opened. I put the chair between us.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Pete spat.

“Get out of my room.” I said quietly, feeling trapped and fighting for calm. “You said you didn’t want to see me again, so quit going out of your way to do it and leave me alone.”

Pete’s glare did not phase me. He turned and marched away, back stiff, leaving the door open. When I went to shut it, I heard Kevin speaking to Pete in harsh tones, distinctly using my name. I sighed and closed the door, wedging it shut using the chair, and then settled down on the floor in the corner with a book. A short time later I heard the front door close and then the rumble of the engine as Pete started his car, followed by the squeal of his tires on the pavement as he drove off. A moment later there was a knock on the door.

“Brian?”

“What, Kevin?” I asked wearily.

He tried to open the door, but the chair stopped him.

“Can I come in?”

I struggled to get up from my position, muscles oddly weak and uncooperative. I managed to pull the chair away from the door to allow Kevin entry into the room, and then went back to the corner. Kevin came in and looked at the bed where he expected me to be, and then saw me on the floor behind the desk. He took a seat on the foot of the bed and faced me.

“Brian…”

“Kevin, he made his decision.”

“Shut up.”

I peered up at the man in front of me, my attention completely focused on him. He was rarely so abrupt, and when he was, it meant he had something that he felt important to say.

“It was wrong of Pete to bully you like he was. And you’re right. He made his decision, and you accepted that without question, even though it hurt you.” Kevin held up his hand. “I know you feel responsible, and you may have some responsibility, but you did not force him to do anything. You are who you are, and you acted as you felt you needed to. Pete hasn’t accepted that, and he must if he is going to let go of his anger. That still does not give him the right to harass you.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I stayed quiet.

“You’re a good kid, Brian. Don’t you forget that, okay?”

“Thanks, Kevin. I think I needed to hear that.”

Kevin smiled and stood, ruffling my hair as he did. He paused, like he wanted to say something more, but instead walked out of the room. As he closed the door, I called him.

“Kevin!”

He paused and opened the door again. I struggled to get to my feet, and then I met his gaze for a short moment. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I dropped my eyes.

“What is it, Brian?”

Tears filled my eyes as a tumult of emotions lodged itself in my throat. Between Pete and Chris, I was on overload, and I was felt like I was going to lose it.

Kevin took a step closer and asked, “Brian? Are you okay?”

I was too busy trying to maintain to answer. At any moment my control was going to shatter, and I felt alone. Chris was a thousand miles away, and I felt alone. Pete had left me, and I felt so alone.

“Kevin, I can’t do this. I can’t do this any more.” My voice was a high pitch whine. I sounded like a baby; pathetic.

“Brian, son, I know it hurts…”

“No, you don’t!” I yelled at him, unleashing my anger and frustration directly at the one person who didn’t deserve it. I met his eyes and continued. “No you don’t! Everything is all fucked up and it’s my fault. Pete hates me, and it’s my fault. Chris is hurting, and I can’t be there because I came up here to waste my time with Pete.” I sighed, “It doesn’t matter, Kevin. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.”

Again I held his gaze as long as I could, but then I broke down completely. Kevin caught me as I started to fall and held me tightly, letting me cry in his arms.

“Don’t ever say that you don’t matter,” Kevin rasped into my ear. “You hear me, son? Not ever!”

His words hit home, making me cry harder, but he kept me close, giving me the comfort I needed until I was done, then helped me get undressed and into bed, and then sat with me until I managed to drift off to sleep.