The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Twenty-One

Extremes

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Ryan and I met in the cafeteria on Monday morning. He sat down across from me and smiled. I gazed into his green eyes and smiled back. His expression changed to one of uncertainty.

“What?”

“Are you sure this is what you really want? Once you’re out…”

“The truth?”

“Don’t ever tell me anything besides the truth, Pete,” he said with solemnity. “Never lie to me, even if you think it will kill me.”

“I promise. The truth is that I’m scared shitless, Ryan. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. It doesn’t mean that at all.” I forced myself to take his hand in mine. “I want us to be together. I want to be your boyfriend if you’ll have me.”

Ryan’s smile returned to its full brilliance.

“Would you mind if we walked over there so I could kiss you?” he asked slyly.

My pulse began to race and my breathing became fast and shallow. I felt my face flush, and I fought the urge to bolt.

“Hey, it’s okay. I can wait,” Ryan said, his smile now one of compassion.

“No. You don’t have to.” I stood and pulled him up with my shaking hand. “Come on.”

I led him to the corner of the room, glanced around at all the people surrounding us, closed my eyes, and kissed him. A long five seconds later, Ryan pulled away and beamed at me.

“I love you, Pete,” he said, and then pulled me into a brief but tight embrace. I closed my eyes again, resisting the urge to look around and see the whole population of Pine Crest High School staring at us.

“Hey you two, break it up,” came a voice from behind me.

“Hi Craig,” Ryan said happily.

“So, I take it you two worked out whatever problems you had?”

Ryan replied, “We’re working on it. This is incredibly difficult for Pete, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, like sucking face is hard,” Craig quipped.

“For someone who has been abused for being what he is, yes,” Ryan retorted, his voice hard.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know.” Craig said sincerely.

“It’s okay. I’ll tell you later if you want,” I volunteered.

“If you feel like it,” Craig agreed.

“We should get going,” Ryan stated, glancing at his watch.

“Trying to keep me from talking to your boyfriend, Ryan?” Craig teased him.

Ryan blushed to the roots of his hair. “Not really. You can talk to him anytime you want, except when I want him.” Blushing or not, Ryan’s tone of voice left nothing to the imagination.

Craig grimaced. “Believe me, at those times, I won’t want to talk to him. No offense meant, Pete.”

“None taken,” I assured him with an embarrassed grin. “I wouldn’t want to talk to you, either.”

“Promise me one thing, guys,” Craig requested. “No details, okay?”

“What? You aren’t even the least bit interested, Craig?” Ryan asked, turning the tables on his friend.

“If I was, I’d ask. If I don’t ask, you don’t tell.”

“Sure. You’re just a closet case,” Ryan teased. “But, if you’re that insecure, we’ll acquiesce to your wishes.”

I nodded my agreement with a grin.

“Well, thank you for small favors,” Craig quipped.

“Small?” I asked facetiously. “There’s nothing small about us, Craig.”

“Now, you see? That is information I could have done without.”

“Oh, shut up, Buller,” Ryan shot back. “I’ve seen you checking me out.”

“Hush! You’re not supposed to say anything!” Craig said in a scandalized stage whisper that cracked us all up. “Besides, neither of you are my type.”

“Yeah,” Ryan sniped, “we’re human.”

“Shut up, Ryan,” Craig responded with a grin. “It’s not your type of human I’m interested in.”

“Have you anyone in mind, Craig?” Ryan asked sweetly.

“Yeah, but I ain’t telling you. You’ll try to muscle your way in.”

Ryan looked into my eyes and smiled gently. “No chance of that, Craig. None at all.”

Ryan’s expression, his words – even his voice – reminded me of Brian so much that I wanted to run. I swallowed reflexively and felt my face go slack.

“Pete? What is it?” he asked, alarmed.

“N–nothing,” I stammered. “Memories.”

Sympathetic expressions crossed my friends’ faces. Craig asked, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Just give me a minute.”

The bell sounded. The three of us walked across the commons to get our books. Ryan gave me a quick peck and then disappeared into the crowd. Craig smirked as he walked away, and then I came face-to-face with Samantha. Judging by the chagrined smile, she had seen Ryan and I kiss. A thrill ran through me, but it was not fear or dread. It was the exhilaration of freedom not previously known.

“It figures,” she carped as I approached. “All the good ones are gay.”

“Not all of them,” I replied as we walked up the stairs together. “I know a few who aren’t.”

“Maybe, but none of them are here.”

“Hey!” shouted Cres as he walked by with Loren. “I resemble that!”

Loren elbowed him in the side. “No you don’t. Be quiet.”

I chuckled and followed Sam into the classroom. She looked back at me and sighed.

“Are you sure you’re gay?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m afraid I am,” I replied with a half smile.

“What an interesting way to put it,” Sam observed. “Are you really afraid of being gay?”

“No, not of being gay. I’m more afraid of other people being afraid of me being gay.”

“You’ve been bashed?” She asked excitedly as the bell rang. “We need to talk later!” She added in a loud whisper. I did not respond and took my seat for the first class of the day.

When the bell rang signaling the end of chemistry class, I walked down the stairs and dropped my books in my locker and picked up my physics text. Craig caught me before I went in.

“How are you doing?” He asked.

“Doing okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you did just have your first gay kiss in school,” he commented. “I was wondering how you felt about it.”

I thought about it for a moment, and then answered, “I guess I feel fine. It’s not bothering me or anything, not like I thought it would.”

“That’s good. Can you do it again without freaking out?”

“Why do you ask? You looking for a kiss?” I took a step toward Craig, and he stopped me with a hand to the chest.

“Not me, lover boy. Him.”

I turned around and saw Ryan headed my way. He was going out of his way to see me between classes, an it thrilled me that he would do that. His smile lit up my world.

“Hiya, handsome,” he chirped, and kissed me on the cheek from his tiptoes. I suppressed the urge to cringe and look around to find out who had seen us. Even so, I knew Ryan had felt me tense up.

Before he could say anything, I wrapped him up in a hug and closed my eyes for the space of a deep breath. I didn’t want to see who was watching us. I only wanted to live in the moment with Ryan in my arms.

“You smell good,” he said, his voice muffled in my chest.

“You too,” I remarked. “Are you coming over after class today?”

“I’ll see if I can. Mom usually has something for me to do when I get home, but if it’s not time consuming, I can go over to your house to do homework.”

“Sounds great,” I answered, trying to recover my composure from earlier. I leaned down and kissed his cheek. “You better get going, or you’ll be late.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time, but it would be the first time I was late because my boyfriend held me up.”

I laughed and gently propelled him on his way. “Go on, you. I’ll see you in Trig.”

“Bye, hon,” Ryan called through his wide smile as he walked away.

I was struck simultaneously by the similarities and differences between Ryan and my ex-boyfriend. Ryan was so quick with a smile and wore his emotions on his sleeve, while Brian was more reserved, slow to show any emotions at all. I decided I liked Ryan’s expressive nature much more than I did Brian’s dour demeanor.

Craig followed me into the classroom.

“That was fast,” he said over my shoulder. “For all your talk of being afraid, you seem really comfy when you were manhandling Ryan.”

I turned to face him. “Craig, I was and am scared shitless by this whole ordeal. You don’t know how close I came to bolting before school started, and the only way I avoided a panic attack just now was to close my eyes and hold on to Ryan for my life.”

“Then I don’t get it…”

Gritting my teeth, I rounded on Craig. “My mother’s boyfriend tried to kill me on several occasions. I have scars from where he threw me into things and from his knife. I wasn’t kidding about someone bringing a gun and knife to school, so you’ll have to excuse me if I’m having a hard time!”

Craig’s eyes were wide, and his hands were held up in a placating manner.

“Easy, Pete,” he said into the dead silence. “I didn’t mean to make you mad or nothing.”

I gazed around the classroom and saw every eye was on me, including Mr. Hawkins. I swallowed hard as I met people’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. You’ll have to excuse me,” I mumbled to no one in particular as I headed for the door. I walked out into the quad and leaned against the wall, my head down. The bell rang and the building grew quiet except for two pair of footsteps coming toward me. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

“Mr. Patterson, are you feeling unwell?” Asked Mr. Hawkins cautiously.

“I just need to calm down a little,” I replied quietly.

“Take your time, and when you’re ready, return to class. If not, go on to the office and do what you feel you must.”

“Thanks.”

The man walked away, but the second pair of feet stayed.

“Um, Pete?” Craig said quietly.

“It’s okay, Craig,” I said in a low voice. “I’m sorry I went off on you.”

“I didn’t know.”

“How could you? The only person I’ve told is Ryan. Now the whole school will know by the end of the day.”

“What will they say?” Craig asked candidly. “Oh, watch out for that Pete guy. He has someone gunning for him.”

“Yes, Craig,” I retorted hotly, “and that is exactly what I didn’t want. I came here to get away from all that crap!”

“So come clean,” Craig rebutted. “Tell people what happened, and then no one will care.”

“And when people ask why I left there?”

“You already covered that. Someone wanted to hurt you, so you left,” Craig explained.

“And who wanted to hurt me?” I asked sharply.

“Someone you can’t name for your own safety, and if they ask why they want to hurt you, then you say something happened, and someone betrayed someone else, and you got caught up in it. Lie your ass off. Or don’t.

“The point is,” Craig continued, “that people can’t know the whos, whens, and wherefores, and if people don’t like it, then they can take a flying leap!”

Peering at him, I mulled over what he was saying. I hated the idea of lying to so many people, especially those I considered friends and potential friends, so a partial truth was the next best option.

“How about this: you were betrayed by a friend, and that put you in danger, so you had to move,” Craig suggested, scratching his chin.

I thought about it. It had every element of truth in it, as far as it went. Brian had betrayed me, and he had put me in danger. The only thing left out was that Brian was my ex-boyfriend, not just a friend.

“Okay. If anyone asks, that’s what you tell them,” I confirmed with a grim nod. “I’ll let Ryan know, too. You tell Cres and Loren?”

“Sure, and don’t forget Sam. That’ll make sure it gets around.” My friend was silent for a moment, and then said, “I’m sorry I made you mad.”

“It’s okay,” I said, waving off his apology. “I think it’s better having it out in the open, anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Are you going back to class?”

“I should. Physics isn’t my strong suit,” I informed him.

“Let’s go then. Physics isn’t exactly my forte either.”

I followed Craig into the classroom and endured the stares of my classmates as I made my way to my desk. I could feel people looking at me the entire time, and when the bell rang, they all managed to get in a final look before leaving. I closed my eyes and waited until most people had left before getting up myself to go down three doors to my math class.

Ryan was waiting for me at my locker, his eyes bright and smile wide. He stood on his toes and kissed my cheek as I came close. I fought off the urge to back away, but he must have seen something in my eyes.

Ryan turned on Craig, planting his fists on his hips and demanded, “What did you do to him?”

“Maybe you should ask your boyfriend,” was Craig’s sincere, quiet reply.

“What happened?” Ryan inquired, his expression worried.

“I… uh…” I began, and covered for the lapse by concentrating on opening my locker. “Craig and I sort of had an argument…”

“Not an argument,” Craig interrupted irreverently, “more like a tiff.”

“Whatever,” I responded irritably. “Anyway, we were in the classroom waiting and Craig was giving me a hard time for being jittery. I yelled at him in front of the class.”

“So you did do something, asshole,” Ryan yelled and slapped Craig in the arm, hard.

“Ow! Knock it off, bitch!” Craig yelled, rubbing his arm with a hurt expression.

“Honey, you haven’t seen how bitchy I can get!” The other boy retorted, shifting his head from side to side in emphasis.

“Do you guys mind?” I interrupted, half way between anger and amusement.

Neither of them said anything for a moment, and then Craig held his hand out. Ryan looked at it as though it were covered in pond scum, and then took it in his hand. They shook gravely before grinning at each other.

“Sorry, hon,” Ryan apologized. “Old habits. You yelled at him in class?”

“Yeah. I said something about Curt and my mother and... well, it wasn’t good. Then I left the room.”

“Me and Mr. Hawkins followed him out to make sure he was okay,” Craig interjected. “He was, of course, but he needed to have something to say when people ask questions. So I came up with this…”

“You came up with it?” Ryan said incredulously. “I am shocked beyond belief that you actually had an idea in the first place!”

Craig responded with mock hostility. “Ryan, do you want to hear this or not?”

“We’re going to be late,” I reminded them.

“What he’s going to say, and what we’ll say if anyone asks, is that Pete was betrayed by a friend, and that put him in danger. That’s all we know, and all he can say.”

Ryan stared at me, his expression inscrutable, and nodded slowly. “All right. I can do that.”

“Let’s go in before the bell rings. I can’t be late again,” Craig groused at us.

“We’ll talk later,” I said to Ryan, hoping to placate him.

His face softened. “If you want.”

The bell rang. “Dammit!” Craig spat, and he bolted into the classroom ahead of us. Ryan and I took a more leisurely pace. Mr. Taylor raised an eyebrow but said nothing as we sat down.

When I arrived home that afternoon, a voice mail from my father reminded me that we had a hearing on the thirteenth of November regarding Joe Jameson’s claim of custody, and he wanted to meet with me later to go over any of the last minute details. I was sure that Joe was suing so he could access the inheritance my grandparents had left to me instead of Brenda. Kevin reassured me that he had no chance of revoking the emancipation earned from my mother the prior November since he had not opposed the original motion. Still, that meant I would once again have to face them, something I certainly had no desire to do. However, if it would get them out of my life forever, I would do that and more.

Tuesday evening I went over to the farm house to talk with my dad about the lawsuit Joe Jameson had brought appealing my order of emancipation. There wasn’t much to discuss, but Kevin and Van wanted to make sure I knew all of the potential questions the attorneys might ask and pitfalls to avoid if possible. While I was there, Brian thankfully remained sequestered in the bedroom.

Van was in the middle of interrogating me in the kitchen when the phone rang. At dad’s nod, I answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Oh… Hey, Pete. This is Chris.”

“Chris! How ya doing? Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Yeah, I know. Been a while. Sorry 'bout that. Stuff happening and… you know…” Chris tailed off, obviously not himself. Something was bothering him.

“Sorry to hear that,” I replied gently, and then swallowed hard. “You want to talk to Brian?”

“Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think I'm blowing you off. Just need to talk to him for a while.”

“No; I understand completely. Hold on. I’ll get him. Hope things get better.”

“Thanks, Pete,” Chris said with sincere gratitude.

“No problem, Chris,” I answered, steeling myself for the confrontation that was about to occur.

I placed the receiver on the side table and walked stiffly back to the room we had shared. Raising my hand, I knocked firmly three times. When he opened the door, Brian’s expression remained unchanged and impassive. He stared at me waiting for me to say something.

“Chris is on the phone.”

I forced the words through my throat, trying to keep all emotion out of them. Brian’s only response was to walk past me. His indifference continued to baffle and infuriate me. I followed him toward the kitchen, and heard Brian pick up the phone. Van and my dad got up and walked out when Brian began speaking to Chris, and they motioned me to follow them.

We moved to the dining room to continue discussing the case, and in spite of myself I found that I couldn’t concentrate knowing that Brian was in the other room talking to a friend who seemed to be in trouble. Brian’s voice rose and fell for nearly an hour as I impatiently waited until I heard Brian hang up the phone. When he came into view, I watched him intently. Brian didn’t quite meet my eyes before continuing out toward the hall without a word. After several attempts to get my attention, Van and Kevin gave up, freeing me to find out what was going on with Chris.

As I approached the door to what was now Brian’s room and raised my hand to knock, the door opened, revealing Brian dressed for a workout. An instant of surprise widened his eyes before he recovered his deadpan expression. He walked past me without any other reaction.

“Is Chris okay?” I called after him. Brian simply shrugged without looking back or otherwise acknowledging me. I watched him walk away, my irritation growing by the moment. When he disappeared, I followed him toward the kitchen.

“Pete, what’s going on?” My dad asked as I entered the dining room.

“I don’t know,” I answered, pausing at the kitchen entrance. “Chris sounded upset.”

“Did Brian say anything?” Kevin asked after a hesitation.

“No, but he’s going to.”

“Pete, don’t go giving him a hard time,” my dad requested. “It’s hard enough on the both of you without you making it worse.”

“I’m not going to make it worse,” I promised as I walked on. “I’m going to find out what’s going on with Chris.”

When I made it to the weight room, Brian was pressing dumbbells into the air with no sign of strain at all. The way he could ignore everything and focus, once something I admired, was now an annoyance.

“The least you could do is be civil,” I groused from the threshold.

Brian completed his set, put the weights on the floor, and lay on the bench with his eyes closed for about thirty seconds before picking up the dumbbells and starting the next set. His indifference incensed me to no end.

“Brian, don’t be any more of an ass than you already have been,” I snapped.

I saw Brian’s form wobble just a bit as he continued to lift, but he quickly recovered. When he had completed his set, he calmly stood, placed the weights in their rack, and walked past me and out of the room. I whirled and tried to grab him by the shoulder, but he quickly jumped away to land in a crouch, ready to defend himself.

“Yeah,” I sneered derisively. “Fighting is always your first choice, isn’t it.”

He stood up slowly, still icy calm, and backed away from me until he was well out of range. I followed him into the house and through the kitchen. Dad called after me, but I ignored him as I pursued Brian down the hall, reaching the room just in time for the door to shut in my face. An adrenaline rush struck, leaving me dizzy, and it took me a second to regain my balance and open the door. As it opened, it bumped into the chair Brian was holding in his hands, positioned to wedge the door shut on me. Brian backed off, keeping the chair between us.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” I growled menacingly.

“Get out of my room,” Brian said through clinched jaw. “You said you didn’t want to see me again, so quit going out of your way to do it, and leave me alone.”

All I could do was stare at him, still wondering at how he could maintain his unruffled demeanor in the face of my anger. I whirled around and marched out of the room, more angry with myself because I couldn’t gain Brian’s detachment.

I almost ran into Kevin as I returned to dining room. He had obviously been coming to see what the commotion was given his expression.

“What’s going on,” he asked with concern.

“I don’t know,” I said in a disgusted tone. “He won’t tell me.”

“His name is Brian,” Kevin replied pointedly. “I thought you weren’t going to make things worse.”

“I didn’t.”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to him.”

“I don’t,” I responded with annoyance.

“You could have fooled me, following him around the house like you were.”

“Something was going on with Chris, and I wanted to know what it was,” I stated. “Brian knows.” I loaded his name with sarcasm.

“And he made it plain that he has no intention of telling you, yet you kept pursuing him,” my dad said.

“He’s being an asshole!” I snapped. “He’s pulling this silent shit on purpose just to make me mad!”

“He’s pulling this silent shit because you told him to leave you the fuck alone!” Kevin countered. “Aren’t those the words you used?”

“Fuck this,” I snarled angrily, turning on my heel. “I’m going home.”

“Remember, eight o’clock Friday at the courthouse,” he reminded me. “I’ll see you there.”

“Whatever. Bye.”

I marched through the house, slammed the front door on my way out, and then slammed the car door after getting in. I sat there for a few seconds staring at nothing, and then hammered my fists against the steering wheel.

“Damn it!” I yelled into the air in frustration, started the car and broke traction as I sped down the driveway and into the lonely night.

Ryan and I continued getting to know each other better, spending as much time together as possible. Our study group managed to do without us because we were way too distracted to do any serious studying. In our time alone, however, Ryan and I didn’t do anything more than an occasional kiss and some cuddling. Neither of us was ready to move on to a sexual relationship. It was just too soon after my breakup with Brian, and Ryan wanted to take things slow to give us the best chance of making our relationship work.

On the Sunday before the confrontation with Brian, Ryan had informed me that his parents wanted to meet me.

“They don’t want me going out with someone they don’t know, Pete. Besides, I know they’ll like you.”

“I hope so. It just makes me nervous,” I admitted.

“What’s to be nervous about? You’re a great guy with a great personality. My parents will love you. I love you.”

I smiled down at Ryan. He had a way of soothing my nerves and disconcerting me at the same time. I was determined to make a good impression on his parents if for no other reason than it was important to Ryan.

The day after my argument with Kevin, I went over to Ryan’s house for the first time. I was extremely nervous the entire day, the previous night’s events contributing to the anxiety. He could tell that something had happened the night before, but he didn’t press it after I told him it was about the upcoming court case with my biological parents.

When we finally arrived at his house, his parents were not yet home. Ryan did his best to keep me relaxed. We worked on our homework for a bit, and then watched some television. Ryan curled up next to me on the couch, resting his head on my lap as we watched the insipid program. I unconsciously stroked his side and shoulder as time passed, enjoying the warmth and comfort the contact gave me. I relaxed so much that I drifted off to sleep for a short while before the sound of a door shutting in the kitchen brought me back to consciousness.

“Ry?” Called a female voice. “Are you home?”

“We’re in here, mom,” Ryan called in a sleepy voice. “In the family room.” He made no move to get up and, if anything, snuggled in even tighter. I fought my urge to put some space between us and let things stay as they were.

A pretty woman with a pleasant expression peeked in on us from the kitchen. When she saw Ryan laying as he was, she smiled and walked toward us.

“You must be Pete,” she said. “No, don’t get up. It’s nice to meet you.”

I shook her proffered hand. “It’s good to meet you too, Mrs. Tracey.”

“Don’t let me disturb you,” she smiled. “I’m going to freshen up, and then we’ll see about dinner. Dad should be home a bit early, Sweets. Did you finish up the yard like he asked?”

“Yes, mom,” Ryan replied from his place in my lap. “I told you I did it yesterday. Remember?”

“Oh, right. Thank you, honey.” Mrs. Tracey walked out of the room toward the back of the house.

“She likes you,” Ryan commented, and then rolled so he could look up at me. “She called me, ‘sweets’. If she didn’t like you, she would have called me, ‘brat’.”

“You have a signal set up with your parents?” I asked, surprised. “And she only looked at me. How could she know anything about me?”

“Mom and Dad both can size people up in an instant. And yeah, we have a lot of signals,” he said, nodding his head. “It’s just the way they work things, and with me being gay and out… they wanted a way I could tell them when something was wrong, and for them to let me know if something wasn’t right.”

“Cool. I’ll have to remember that.”

“As for how they know about you, I’ve kind of told them a little bit.”

Ryan smiled and raised up a bit. I bent down to meet him and kissed him lightly on the lips. Ryan’s smile softened, and then he laid his head in my lap again, his moving around to get comfortable causing me to respond physically.

“You really need to stop doing that,” I commented lightly. “It makes things uncomfortable.”

“Not for me,” he grinned, looking up at me once more.

“Yeah, but you don’t have a ten-pound rock sitting on your crotch, either,” I whispered.

He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess.” Ryan sat up, kissed me hard on the mouth, and then leaned into me, resting his head on my shoulder. “More comfy?”

“I suppose,” I answered with mock frustration.

“There, there,” Ryan said, patting my erection through my pants. “It’ll be better in a little bit.”

“Not if you keep doing that it won’t!”

Ryan’s laugh rang through the house, pure and sweet like a bell. I watched him, nonplussed. His irreverent grin almost caused me to laugh myself. His eyes searched mine, his smile gradually fading.

“What?” I asked.

He was quiet for a moment, and then murmured, “I love you, Pete.”

I looked at my boyfriend, gazed into his eyes for what felt like forever, and then did what felt right.

“I love you, too, Ryan.”