The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Nineteen

Decision

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Ryan told his friends to go back to school, and that he would be staying so we could talk. They left reluctantly, and only after Ryan reassured them and I promised that I would not hurt him. Once they were gone, he and I sat on the couch facing each other.

My brain was still rejecting the self-condemnation my conscience was directing at me. I justified the difference in reaction to what Ryan had done by telling myself that I had failed to warn him not to do as he had before he acted, whereas Brian had ignored my pleadings completely.

“I think it’s your turn, Ryan,” I said after a few moments of sitting uncomfortably.

“Yeah, I guess so. Well, I’ll tell you now, I haven’t gone through anything like what happened to you. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live through all that.” Ryan shook his head. “Anyway, I was born here and I’ve lived here my entire life. My dad works for the government and my mom teaches first grade at an elementary school in Beaverton.

“I’m an only child, and I’m out to my whole family: not just my parents, but my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I’ve been out since I figured out what I was feeling, and all of them have been great and haven’t said or done anything to make me think their acceptance isn’t genuine. They ask me about my life and if I’ve found a boyfriend yet. My cousin tried to set me up with this guy she knows over at Sunset. It didn’t work out at all. He’s effeminate, and that’s not a turn-on for me, but we’re friends.

“I’ve had one boyfriend. He still goes to Pine Crest. We’d still be friends too,” he said with a lopsided grin that caused my heart to leap, “but I don’t talk to him because his girlfriend doesn’t like me. I won’t tell you who he is, so don’t ask.

“The most dramatic thing that’s ever happened in my life was breaking my ankle sliding into home plate during the summer between sixth and seventh grade. It took forever to heal. I got lucky there, too, because the fracture didn’t kill the growth plate. If it had, my legs would be different lengths.

“What else? I like going to movies, but I’m just as happy to stay home and read a good book. That’s about it. It’s pretty much what you see is what you get with me.”

I continued watching him, meeting his gaze for as long as he could hold it.

“Why are you staring at me?” he asked with a grin.

“You don’t like people staring at you?” I asked quietly.

“No, I don’t mind, really, but I do like to know why.”

“I’m staring at you because you’re easy to look at.”

Ryan blushed and looked away, and then looked back with deviltry in his eyes. “Are you flirting with me?”

“I’m trying to,” I admitted, allowing a smile to cross my face. “I’m not very good at it. I haven’t had much practice.”

“I think you’re doing fine,” he whispered, leaning into me. Our lips met for a long, tender kiss.

“Now who’s flirting,” I observed when the kiss ended.

Ryan’s smile struck me again as he sat back, and then his expression changed to reflect his sincerity.

“Pete, would you go out with me this weekend?”

“What, like a date?”

“Not like a date, it would be a date.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“There’s a Halloween dance this Friday. Craig, me, Sam, Cres and his girlfriend are all going together. How about you go with us, and then we can go out again on Saturday after we get done studying. Or maybe we could stay here and watch some movies or something.”

A dance? I wondered. I’ve never been to a dance in my life.

“I don’t know, Ryan… I’m not a dancer.”

“Who said anything about dancing? We’re going to have fun! Cres, Craig and I are going to dress in drag. Sam and Loren are going to wear a suit. It’ll be great!”

I stared at him as I thought about it, and then decided that I would. What the hell. No one knows me, and dressing in drag would be fun – once.

“Okay, but I don’t have anything to wear.”

Ryan laughed. “No problem. We’ll find something for you. Let’s go shopping!” Ryan chucked menacingly and rubbed his hands together.

“Oh man,” I complained, “what have I gotten myself into?”

“So, did you have fun?” Ryan asked me as we walked to my car. The party had been a blast; more fun than I’d had in a very long time.

“Yeah, I did. The only thing that bothered me is this dress. It’s a bit breezy.”

Ryan chuckled. “But it suits you perfectly. You look beautiful in it.”

“You don’t look half-bad yourself, Ry,” I said with a smile, and put my arm around his shoulder. He moved closer and put his arm around my waist while we continued across the parking lot to the Malibu, and then I realized what we were doing.

I whipped my head around, looking for the threat that I knew was there.

“What is it?” Ryan asked, his voice tight.

I released him and searched our surroundings for anything that would put us in danger.

“Pete?”

Seeing nothing, I sighed. We started forward again, but the mood was broken.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just me,” I stated sadly.

“You looked scared,” he said as he snaked his arm around my waist again. I resisted the urge to remove it.

“I can’t seem to shake this feeling like something bad is going to happen,” I admitted. “It’s like someone is going to jump us because we have our arms around each other. Because we’re gay.”

“Nothing is going to happen, hon. I’ll keep you safe.”

He squeezed me tightly, and I looked down at him. In the few short days I had known him, Ryan had become part of my life, and I wanted more. It did not matter if some would think he was only a replacement for what I was missing with Brian’s absence, or that we were moving too fast. I knew what I felt, and Ryan knew what he wanted, too. Why should I let what other people think about me dictate what I did?

Isn’t that what you did with Brian? came the unwanted thought. I shook my head.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. Just thinking.”

“About what, hon?”

“About us. Would you like there to be an us?”

“As in official boyfriends?”

“Sure. Why not? I can’t sleep without thinking about you. I think about you in school, when I’m at home, alone in bed at night… I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Wow,” Ryan said, seemingly surprised. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I didn’t expect to. It surprised me, too.”

He was quiet until we were in the car. As we left the school, Ryan asked, “What does being boyfriends mean to you?”

“That’s a strange question,” I commented, not really thinking.

“No it’s not. It’s an important question. If we’re going to be a couple, we need to know what we are expecting from each other. I’m out, Pete, and I’m not going back into the closet. If you can’t deal with that, then I’m sorry. A friendship is all we can have.”

“I don’t understand why me being out is such a big deal,” I stated, somewhat frustrated. “Why do I have to be out for us to have a relationship?”

“Because if I want to kiss you in the hall, then I want to be able to do that and not worry that you’ll freak out. I don’t want to censor what I do or hide what I feel, because that’s no better than being in the closet. I’ve never been in the closet, and I’m not going to go in. I can’t. I am who I am, and I couldn’t hide it if I wanted to.”

“Aren’t you afraid someone is going to hurt you?” I asked, my tone more demanding.

“No, I’m not. Don’t look at me like that. I haven’t been through what you have. If I had been, then yeah, I might be afraid, but I’m not, and I’m not going to let the possibility that something might happen dictate how I live my life.”

Ray said the same thing, I remembered to my chagrin.

“I can’t do that, and I won’t,” Ryan concluded.

We were quiet for the last few miles to my apartment, where Ryan’s car was parked. When I pulled in, I turned and looked at the boy next to me. Even wearing a dress he was beautiful.

“Ryan, can you give me some time?”

“Time to what?”

“To think about it. Coming out is… it’s frightening for me. Terrifying, really. So much has happened to me that… you know why I left Brian. You’re asking me to do the same thing.”

“No. He forced you. I’m asking you. It’s your decision, and I won’t pressure you. If you decide you can’t, then we’ll still be friends and study partners if we can both handle it. If not, then I’ll stop coming over.”

“I don’t want that to happen,” I murmured.

“I believe you,” he said just as softly, “but you know what you’ll need to do. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.”

“Do you want to come in?” I asked.

“Thanks, but I think I’d better get home.” He opened the door and stepped out of the car. I did likewise. “I had a great time tonight, Pete. Thank you for coming to the dance with me.”

“Didn’t do much dancing,” I groused, complaining about my lack of participation.

“It doesn’t matter. I enjoyed just being with you.”

“Me too.”

Ryan around the car to stand in front of me. “Pete, I don’t expect you to make this kind of decision in one night, or a weekend, or even a week. It’s huge for you, and I understand that. I’ll give you time; I’m patient. I can wait… for a while.”

He hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek.

“Good night, Pete. I’ll see you around one tomorrow. Sleep well.”

“I’ll try, but I doubt I will. Good night, Ryan.”

I watched him get in his car and drive away before going inside and taking off my dress. I laughed at myself as I hung it neatly in my closet, and then decided I would give it to charity. I knew I would never wear it again.

Laying down, I thought about what Ryan had said to me, and I began to wonder if I could do it. Could I really come out to be with him? I felt things for Ryan that I had not felt for anyone else except Brian. Could I give up the pain and terror from the past to live my life without hiding, to be openly gay? To be certain, Pine Crest had none of the bad memories that the other school had. Ryan was most definitely not the same person as Brian was. Ryan’s presence was soothing. There was no baggage to complicate matters. It was just him and me and nothing else between us except what we made for ourselves. I had some history to work through, but then again everyone did.

Except Brian. He’s worked through his.

“God dammit! Leave me alone!” I shouted to the ceiling. I did not want Brian interfering with this decision in any way. Even his memory was enough to disturb my thoughts and feelings, and that made me furious.

I rolled over on my side and punched the pillow I used to prop myself up while I slept, and then threw it off the bed and sat up, cursing my ex-boyfriend. I had started using the pillow the first night I had spent apart from Brian. I was so angry at that moment that I wanted to cry, but I retrieved the pillow from the floor and somehow managed to get to sleep after watching the clock until well after two in the morning.

Ryan and I discussed things and decided that we would be together. I kissed him passionately, and he ground against me until we separated. As he walked away his cute grin made me smile, and I promised we would talk the next morning before classes started.

The drive home from school was quick, only taking five minutes. Walking into what should have been my empty apartment, I heard male voices coming from the spare room.

Who could that be? I wondered. No one is supposed to be here.

As I closed the door, one of the voices rose into a thundering crescendo, causing me to stumble and nearly fall. I knew that voice, and it filled me with dread. My legs moved forward without a conscious thought to direct them. When I realized I was moving toward the source of my fear, I tried to turn and run, but my body would not obey me. Rounding the corner, my worst nightmare was before me, facing another person I could not see from my vantage point.

“Come here, faggot! I got something you want!” he bellowed, releasing his belt and stepping into the room. My legs carried me to the place the man just vacated, but he still blocked my view of his target. “What are you waiting for?” the man barked.

The form behind the man cowered against the bed, sliding down to kneel on the floor.

“Yeah, that’s right,” the man hissed. “You know what to do.”

I could feel the evil oozing from the man’s voice. I knew what was coming, but I was powerless to do anything about it. The devil in front of me opened his trousers.

“Don’t you dare bite me, you cocksucker. If you do, I’ll kill you.”

I was carried further into the room, and could now see what was happening. I watched with horror as Curt stood in front of Ryan, who was opening his mouth to take him in.

In a panic, I rolled out of bed and searched the room, expecting Curt to be on me in an instant, but I could not see him. Whirling around, I found nothing but my empty bedroom. Sitting down on the bed, I tried to calm my breathing and held my head in my hands. Nightmares were becoming more common, interrupting my sleep with alarming regularity. I was exhausted; completely emotionally drained. Seeing Ryan in my dream bothered me. Seeing Curt in my dream disturbed me. And it was all Brian’s fault for bringing it to the fore.

I managed to sleep for a few more hours before I gave up the chase. Sometime after six, I got up, showered, and fixed myself some eggs and toast. I read the morning paper for a few minutes as I ate, but then quit because it was too depressing. Rather than sit there and stew, I made a grocery list and went to the store, being sure to stock up for our study group. Cres and Loren, his girlfriend, had asked if they could join us, and I couldn’t think of a reason to tell them no, so they would be coming over at one with Ryan and Craig. Cres and Loren were in my Physics and English classes in any case, so it might be a good thing to have them there.

After putting things away, I lay down on the couch to take a nap, intending to get up in time to make myself presentable, but a knock at the door woke me early from a fitful sleep. A glance at the clock told me it was twelve noon. Puzzled, I stretched out the kinks and opened the door. My father stood in front of me holding some folders.

“Dad. Hi. What are you doing here?” I asked, still in a daze.

“I came to drop these off for your signature, and to tell you they started work on the foundation of the house today. Are you all right, Pete?” he asked with obvious concern.

“No. I didn’t sleep well.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“No,” I said abruptly.

He looked at me, waiting.

“Okay. Come in. I have a study group in an hour.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. A few friends… well, two friends, and a couple. They’re in some of my classes.”

“You never had a study group before.”

“I never needed one before.” I said flatly.

“Why not?” he queried, and then the realization struck. “Oh. Right. Do you like these people?”

“I only know one of them well, really. Another guy is in my class, and the other two are seniors, but I take English and physics with them.”

“What is it that’s bothering you, son?” Kevin inquired as he sat on the couch.

“I had a dream last night. Curt was in it.”

“Oh, son… I’m sorry.”

I sat on the couch next to him and Kevin put his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him and he shifted to accommodate. I wondered how much I should tell him; whether or not I should tell him about Ryan.

“I… came home in the dream and heard Curt yelling at someone in the spare room. It was here, not my mom’s old apartment. Something forced me to walk into the room where he was, and there was someone in there with him. He was telling them to… he wanted them to suck him. Just before I woke up, I saw… the other person was someone I know.”

“Someone you care about?” he asked gently.

“Someone I could grow to care about very much.”

“Do they know you’re interested?”

“Dad, don’t change the subject.”

“Sorry,” he sighed. “Do you want to see Will or someone else?”

“What for?”

“Son, you have some issues that you need to deal with, and you know it. Counseling is important to help you deal with what you went through,” Kevin explained patiently.

“I don’t want to think about it,” I snapped. “I’ve thought about it too much.”

“Pete, son, please hear me. Counseling is important. It will teach you how to move through what happened and heal. It did that for Brian.”

“Dad…”

“It did it for Ray, Ben, Jason…”

“Jason?”

“…me. Yes, Jason. He asked me not to tell you when it was happening, but now it doesn’t matter. Jason was seeing a counselor just after Sharon left. He and I saw someone together, and he went on his own. It helped him work out his anger, and his sense of abandonment.” I sighed heavily and my father hugged me from behind. “Think about it, okay? If you don’t want to go to Will, he’ll give us a recommendation.”

“All right, Dad. I’ll think about it.”

Another knock sounded at the door.

“They’re early,” I whined, and curled up even more, relishing the feel of my dad’s arms around me. He hugged me tightly for a long moment, and then released me.

“Go on, see who it is.”

I stood, and then looked back at the man who was my father. Opening my mouth, I found I could not say the words in my heart. He stood in front of me, took me into his embrace again, and whispered in my ear.

“I know, son. I love you, too.”

He kissed me on the forehead and let me go again. I gave him a weak, sheepish smile, wiped my eyes on my sleeve, and walked to the door. Taking a deep breath, I turned the knob.

“Hi, Pete.”

“Hi,” I said, not really surprised at who was there. “Come on in.” I closed the door after my guest, who set hit backpack on the table.

“Brian?” said Kevin in a stunned voice.

“Dad, this is Ryan. He’s… he’s the guy I was telling you about earlier.” I was hoping Kevin would catch the underlying meaning of my statement, and he did not disappoint me.

“I understand,” he said, recovering well. “Hello, Ryan. Please, call me Kevin.”

“Nice to meet you, Kevin,” Ryan replied, taking Dad’s offered hand. “I hope he hasn’t painted me as being more than I am.”

“Not hardly. Well, I need to be going, anyway. Pete, think about what I said. Let me know who and I’ll set up the when. E-mail me your schedule, too. I’ll drop by tomorrow to pick up the papers. Everything is self-explanatory.”

“Okay, Dad. Thanks.”

Kevin embraced me again. “Any time, son. Call me.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye. Nice to have met you, Ryan.”

“Likewise, Kevin.”

The door closed, leaving us alone.

“Your dad seems like a cool guy,” Ryan observed.

“He is. Even before I was emancipated. I’ve never met anyone like him, except for maybe his son, Jason. His blood son, I mean. And Jason is just as much my brother as if we were blood. You’d like him, too.”

“Did I interrupt something when I came in?” Ryan inquired. “If I did, I’m sorry.”

“He came over to drop some papers off for me to sign. He didn’t know we had study group at one. I don’t think I told him.”

“I came early on purpose, Pete. I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you last night. It was… well, I feel bad.”

“For what? For telling me what you wanted out of any relationship we might have? You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I feel like I’m forcing you to do something you don’t want to do, though.” Ryan said earnestly. “That’s not right.”

“You aren’t forcing me to do anything, Ryan. You told me what you want. My choice is whether or not to do what is necessary to give it to you,” I explained. “In the mean time, until I can get everything ironed out in my head, can we still be friends?”

“I hope so,” he responded, a sad note to his tone.

“Hey. I don’t see a reason why we can’t be friends. I can maintain if you can.”

He turned his beautiful eyes on me and stated, “I don’t want to have to maintain, Pete. That’s what I mean about it being unfair. I want to be with you so bad… Even my mom and dad have started asking questions, and I can’t tell them anything one way or another because you don’t know… and there I go pressuring you again. I… I can’t do this. It’s not right or fair to you. I’ll go.”

“I want you to stay, Ryan.”

“I can’t, Pete. I’m sorry, I just can’t. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could wait, but I can’t.”

“You really like me that much?” I asked with some surprise.

“Like you? No. I love you, Pete. I know it’s way too soon, but I can’t help myself.” Tears filled his eyes. “Shit. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.”

“Ryan…”

He whirled and picked up his backpack. “I’ve got to go. I’m sorry. I can’t stay here. I’m sorry.”

“Ryan, stop.”

“I can’t stay, Pete!” Ryan was in a near-panic, hyperventilating as the tears in his eyes fell. He pulled away from me as I tried to embrace him. “Don’t!”

“Ryan, listen to me. I’m not going to let you drive like this. Go into the spare room and lay down until you’ve calmed down. I won’t bother you, and I won’t let the others bother you, either.”

“No. I have to go home,” he gasped, placing a hand against the wall for balance.

“You’re in no shape to drive. Come on, Ryan.” I took his backpack and dropped it on the floor, and then helped an unresisting Ryan walk to the spare room. A flash of my dream passed through my mind as he sat on the bed, but I pushed it aside.

“Lie down, Ry. I’ll get you a blanket. You stay here as long as you need to, okay?”

Laying on his back staring at the ceiling, he did not answer. When I returned with the blanket, his eyes were closed. I covered him and was struck at how vulnerable and young he looked. The resemblance to Brian was even stronger. I found myself closing my eyes to shake off the image. Ryan rolled away from me, and I walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.

Back in the dining area, I picked up Ryan’s book bag and deposited it in the front hall closet to keep it out of the way.

What am I going to do about Ryan? I wondered to myself. I really, really like him, but can I do as he asked? Could I really come out of the closet for him?

Another knock came at the door. Feeling completely drained emotionally, I opened the door.

“Hi Craig,” I sighed. “Come on in.”

“Thanks, Pete.” He looked around for a moment. “Where’s Ryan?”

“He’s lying down. He wasn’t feeling well.”

“Oh? What’s wrong with him?”

I shrugged. “I asked him if he wanted to lie down and he said he did.”

“Hmm. That’s not like him. Is there something going on?” Craig asked, his tone carrying more weight than the situation would seem to warrant.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Craig clarified, “Is there something going on between you and him?”

“I can’t answer that, Craig.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” he replied with a slight smile.

“You can take it however you want,” I replied with indifference. “If there is something going on, and I’m not saying there is or isn’t, it would be none of your business in any case.”

“Now I know for sure there is. He has a crush on you, right? But you don’t feel the same way?”

I simply looked at him.

“Fine. Don’t tell me. It’s not like I would have a problem with you two hooking up.”

I crossed my arms, leaned against the wall, I continued to watch him.

Craig sighed. “Whatever. Let’s get started.”

“If it was just me, I would answer you, but I can’t speak for Ryan.”

Craig spoke as he sat at the table. “He’s my best friend, you know? I don’t want to see him get hurt.”

“I don’t want to see anyone get hurt.” Another knock sounded. “That’s Loren and Cres. If they ask, just tell them Ryan’s not feeling well, okay?”

“Sure. I understand,” Craig said, “but you owe me more of an explanation.”

“No I don’t, and I don’t have one anyway,” I answered, and then opened the door. “Hi, guys. Come on in.”

I was anxious for the entire study session. My guests had to call me two or three times when they wanted my attention. I wanted so much to go back into the spare room and talk to Ryan, if nothing else, but I couldn’t do that with my other study partners in my home.

Loren and Cres finally decided to head out around five-thirty. I couldn’t usher them out fast enough to suit my impatience. Craig, on the other hand, wouldn’t leave.

“I want to talk to him, Pete.”

“So do I, Craig, and I think I need to, but he’s sleeping. Go ahead, and I’ll take him home if he can’t drive.”

“No, I don’t think so. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I need to see him for myself.”

I acquiesced to his demand. “Fine, but if he’s asleep, don’t wake him up.”

Craig cast me an inscrutable glance and went back to check in on his friend. A moment later I heard their voices. I busied myself with cleaning up while they had their conversation, and by the time I was done, they were coming down the hall. Ryan had his eyes down and looked unhappy. Craig seemed worried.

“Are you sure?” he asked Ryan.

“Yes. I need to do this. We need to settle this one way or another.”

“Do you want me to wait?”

“No,” Ryan said, smiling at Craig. “I’ll be okay.”

“All right.” Craig looked at me. “If he can’t drive, call me. I’ll come get him.”

I nodded

“Okay. I’ll see you guys on Monday.” Craig let himself out the door.

When I looked back, Ryan was staring at me. He expression was hard, as though he were afraid he would lose control of his emotions.

“We need to talk,” he said, his soft voice a direct contrast to the set of his jaw.

“I know,” I replied quietly, and gestured to the couch. He sat at one end, and I sat at the other.

“I told you what I want,” he began. “I thought that I could give you the time to do what you needed to, if you wanted us to be together, but…”

“I know,” I interrupted. “Ryan, you don’t have to apologize or feel guilty. I understand exactly where you’re coming from. Believe me. You’re allowed, and entitled to ask for people that you hang around to treat you as you want to be treated.”

“Pete….”

“Let me finish, Ryan,” I said gently. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot since we talked about it last night. I have to tell you that this scares me to death, and I think you understand why.”

“Pete…”

“Ryan, let me finish. My ex wasn’t all bad. He’s got to be one of the strongest, bravest people I know. Nothing phases him. No matter what it is, he faces it head on, even if doing so ends up hurting him… and others around him. He betrayed my trust, and I hate him for that.

“Like I said, being out frightens me to death. I start to shake just thinking about it.”

“Pete…”

“Ryan – shut up already! Let me finish. I’m starting to realize that if I want to really be happy, then I can’t hide. I have to be who I am. I can’t let other people tell me how to live, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m letting people I don’t even know keep me in the closet, and that’s keeping me from things I want.”

Ryan’s eyes stared into mine, delving deep, but they were shielded. I could not tell what he was thinking.

“It’s time for me to stop hiding, Ryan. You’ve shown me that in a way that I’ve never seen or experienced before. I want to thank you for that, and I want to thank you for your friendship. And if you will still consider it…”

Ryan launched himself at me before I could bring my hands up to defend myself. He wrapped his arms around me, pinning my arms to my side. Once he had me on my back, he pulled back so I could see him clearly.

“Can I say something now?”

“I guess,” I replied, curious as to his intent.

“Thank you. Now, were you just going to ask me to be your boyfriend?”

“Yeah. If you’re still interested.”

“Interested?” Ryan asked incredulously.

He pressed his lips to mine, and I was quickly lost in his world.