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Monday was a blur for a lot of reasons.
In the fifteen minutes I sat in the caf with my friends before classes, I had as many people come up to me to ask a question about the alliance as had voiced their quiet support. It was a heady experience to see that what I was doing could affect so many people outside of my immediate sphere of influence. The feelings I had were mixed, however. The more people talked to me about what the club could mean to their lives, the more I realized that I had taken on a huge responsibility. My idea had given people just like me hope that something could be done to ease their fear surrounding coming to school. If it didn’t work…
I couldn’t even go there. It had to work. No one else up to that point in my life had ever taken a stand against that kind of harassment, so I had to be my own advocate. I had paid the price for that in so many forms that I couldn’t count them. What more could be done to me if I were to take my fight to the abusers? What could be gained? In my estimation, my personal suffering meant little in the face of helping kids who were afraid to come to class because they would be picked on or beat up. I had no choice; I was committed.
Classes flew by leaving me dazed and uncertain what had been taught. I was nervous about the meeting at the end of the day and couldn’t concentrate on anything else. In phys ed I asked Coach Sarvino if I could run for the whole period to work off some of the anxiety I was feeling, and he agreed. Half an hour later, I felt no better. In the shower I turned the water cold and stood under it until I stopped gasping for air, and then leaned against the wall allowing the icy flow to run over my body. People around me cursed and yelled but I paid them no heed. The only thing that concerned me was slowing my racing pulse.
“What the fuck are you doing, Kellam?” Shouted Jesus Garza from behind me, “Trying to freeze off what little sack you have?”
I ignored him and continued to stand under the frigid water.
“I’m talking to you, Kellam!”
“You have nothing to say I want to hear, Jesus,” I said wearily. “Go away.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Then you don’t. Just stop complaining.”
“You’re an asshole, Kellam,” Jesus growled.
“That might be true,” I responded lightly, “and I might listen, if I cared what you thought about me.”
“Fuck you!”
I turned toward him, and he covered himself with his hands. I grinned. “Don’t worry, Jesus. Even if you had something to look at, I’m not interested in you. Far from it.” I turned the water off and walked out of the shower, leaving Jesus to whatever it was he was going to do.
The episode with my antagonist did much to settle my mood for the meeting. I took my time getting dressed, knowing that it would make me late to the library for the opening meeting of the Counter-Intimidation Alliance, but that was the way I wanted it. I wanted as little time as possible to really interact with people on a personal basis, for my own sanity if nothing else.
On the way to the library, I thought about what I was going to say, and decided I’d said enough at the assembly the Friday before. The only thing I needed to explain is how the system was going to work and set up the schedules accordingly.
My heart dropped when I walked into the library and saw the room nearly empty. There were only a few people in the room, and they were looking at books.
The librarian asked, “Are you here for the alliance meeting?”
“Yes,” I answered. “It’s still being held here, right?”
The woman shook her head. “Dr. Sumner moved the meeting to the cafeteria. There were too many people to hold it here. Can you hang this on the door, please?” She asked, handing me a sign announcing the move.
“Certainly. Thank you.” I did as she asked and headed out to the caf.
I could hear the noise coming from the meeting well before I turned the corner, and my heart rose into my throat. What I saw stunned me. The cafeteria was as full as I’d ever seen it, even at lunch. Mr. Johnson and Dr. Sumner were standing at the front, speaking to each other as quietly as the din would allow. A number of teachers stood around the room in twos and threes holding their own conversations, and the rest of the space was taken up by several hundred students.
“Hi Brian,” called a small voice belonging to James Kuhns.
“How are you, James?”
“Better, thanks. I can’t believe how many people are here!” the boy said excitedly.
“Me either. I hope it works out like everyone wants it to.”
“It will,” he replied confidently. “I know it will.”
“Let’s hope so.”
I moved forward in the room, making my way through and around people. Some of them greeted me as I passed, and I nodded or said something polite in return. As I made it to the principal’s side, she smiled.
“It would seem you had an effect, Brian.”
“More like an impact,” commented Mr. Johnson, “and not only with the students. There are only two teachers that are assigned to be here, and it looks like well over half of the faculty showed up.”
“Great,” I commented blandly.
Dr. Sumner asked, “Are you okay, Brian?”
“I guess... I didn’t expect this kind of turnout.”
“After the speech you gave on Friday?” Mr. Sarvino asked as he walked up. “I would have been surprised had there not been a large turnout.”
“Thanks for coming, coach.”
“I wouldn’t think of missing it, Brian,” the man smiled and ruffled my short hair. “If you look over there in the corner, you’ll see most of the team is skipping practice to be here, too. Coach Folds actually said they could come, but they’d owe him two miles after practice tomorrow.”
“Wow,” was all I could say, completely taken aback that the football team would make that kind of commitment to show support, not only for me, but for others that were the victims of harassment.
“Let’s get this started, Mr. Kellam,” Mr. Johnson directed with a nod. “I think we have as many people as we can fit in here.
I swallowed hard, and raised my voice, praying it wouldn’t crack.
“Quiet down, please!”
A few people near me stopped talking, but the rest of the room remained active. I caught Terry’s eye from across the room and shushed him with a gesture. He nodded and hit Tomas in the chest, gesturing toward me with his head.
I was about to yell again when a booming group of voices silenced the room.
“Shut up!” The crowd quieted quickly.
“It’s good to know the football team is good for more than winning games,” I quipped, thanking my friends in my own way and earning a chuckle from the crowd.
“All right. Here we are, the first meeting of the Counter-Intimidation Alliance. If you haven’t signed up, there are sheets along both sides of the room and here in front. Go ahead and put your name down while we get things going.
“I explained how things work at the assembly last week, so I’m not going to go over it again. Here’s how we’re going to do this: We’re going to group up by your first period classroom, lowest room number in the front left, and then snaking around.”
As people milled around, I quickly realized that we didn’t have enough room to do what I wanted.
“Can we move this to the gym?” I asked Mr. Johnson. “We need more room, or we’re going to have to do this class by class. It’ll take a while to finish.”
“I don’t see why not. We can at least take it into the hall outside if the floor inside isn’t available.”
“Thanks.”
The vice principal had everyone move to the empty gym, and then we divided up by classroom again.
“Okay, this is going to be a little bit confusing and loud, so try to do this as quietly as possible. Find someone in your first period class who has the same second period class as you do. The more of you there are, the better. If you don’t have someone, ask the rooms next to you if there is someone there. Don’t forget the rooms across the hall either. If you normally make a locker stop, see if there is someone going your way so you can do that and still have a buddy with you.”
I joined my writing class and found three others going to my period two class, and then went back out front.
“Does everyone have someone to walk to second with? Okay. To make sure, walk with your buddy to your second period room group.”
After some shuffling around, we managed to get where we needed to be. About an hour later, we had gone through all seven class periods. Once more I went up front.
“Is there anyone who doesn’t have a buddy to walk to each class with?” No one said anything. “Great. Now, whenever possible, walk to class with your buddies. If you’re walking or in class and anyone starts to bother you, you find your buddy and stay with them. If you don’t have a buddy available and you see me, come to me.
“If someone comes to you because someone is bothering them, then the two of you, or more if there are more people there, all go together to find a teacher and report it. You have to use your judgment as to what should be reported and what shouldn’t, but here is a few guidelines: if it involves someone calling you racial slur, that’s reportable. If someone calls you ‘fag’ or something similar, that is reportable. If someone threatens you, that’s reportable. Any aggressive physical contact is reportable.
“One last note: if you are a member of the alliance and you turn around and hassle someone else, you are out, and everyone in the club will know why. I will not have the purpose of this alliance attacked from within.
“Next Monday we’ll have elections for club offices. If you’re interested in holding an office, let Mr. Sarvino know. He’s our club advisor. Thanks, coach.”
“I would have done it for free,” the man smiled, “but they already said they’d pay me for it. Can’t beat that.”
A few chuckles followed his statement, and drew a grin from me as well.
“We’re also going to put together a list of our members to give out. If there is any reason you don’t want to be on that list, talk to me or Mr. Sarvino or Mr. Johnson between now and Friday. Are there any questions? No? Okay, then we’re done. Thanks for coming everyone.”
Several people came up to talk to me as everyone was leaving, asking questions or making comments. When I turned around, Terry, Tomas, Sterling and Rick Hurst waiting for me. I smiled and squeezed Sterling’s shoulder since he was nearest.
“Thanks for being here, guys. It really means a lot to me.”
“It’s the least we can do, Brian,” Tomas said, playfully slapping my head to the side.
“Yeah,” added the sophomore quarterback. “A lot of people look up to you, me included. Of course I want to help.”
“Don’t put me on a pedestal, Sterling,” I cautioned. “I don’t belong there. I’m only doing what I believe needs to be done.”
“And setting yourself up as a target in the process,” Rick observed.
I shrugged. “Maybe; you’re not the first to say that. All I know is something has to be done, and no one was doing it, so I’m trying.”
“If you need any help, let me know,” Terry commanded imperiously.
“Let any of us know, Brian,” Tomas confirmed. “And if anyone gives you any trouble, come to us. We’ll help you out.”
“I appreciate that, guys. If you want, I’ll come out and run your miles with you tomorrow.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Tomas said. “You have enough on your plate.”
“Okay. Don’t say I didn’t offer.”
“Well, see you tomorrow, Brian,” Sterling said, and I knocked his fist as he left, and shook Rick’s hand when he followed.
Terry and Tomas stayed behind and waited for me to answer a few more questions from the rapidly thinning crowd.
When we were alone, Tomas asked, “Have you heard from Pete?”
I looked at my friend in surprise. It was the last question I would have expected him to ask.
I cleared my throat and dropped my eyes. “Yeah. He… uh… he’s got his own place and is going to Pine Crest.”
“Wow. So you guys are taking a break?”
Without looking up, I shook my head. “No, it’s… we’re not…” I squeezed my eyes tightly in an vain attempt to stop the tears from coming. My breath caught. I couldn’t afford to cry.
“Brian?”
A sob struck. I turned away from my friends, completely mortified. I needed to be strong. I couldn’t be weak and have any credibility as the founding member of the alliance.
“Hey, man,” Tomas said quietly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “He means that much to you?”
“M-more than you kn-know.”
Terry stepped in front of me. “Maybe it’s time you tell us, then.”
“I can’t,” I sobbed, losing control. “Not now. Not here.”
“Brian…”
“No! You don’t understand.”
“So explain it, bro,” Tomas gently insisted, squeezing me.
“Why?” I pleaded quietly.
“Look, Brian,” Terry began, “You remember what we said about being tight? This is all part of it.”
“Give us a chance, Brian,” Tomas requested. “Let us be here for you.”
“You don’t want to,” I said bitterly. “All I do is hurt people close to me.”
“I’m willing to take the chance,” he staunchly confirmed.
“We are willing to take the chance,” Terry agreed. “C’mon, Brian. Let’s get you out of here. You want to go home?”
“Not like this… I can’t.”
Tomas asked, “What do you feel like you need to do?”
“Do? I don’t know. All I know is I can’t go home. Not like this.”
“Let’s go get something to eat, then, and you can tell us the whole story,” Terry suggested. “Pizza?”
“I’m not that hungry.”
“That’s okay, Brian,” Terry said with a grin. “I’ll eat yours for you, and you won’t be spitting food all over us while you fill us in.”
“Yeah, that’s just what I need, to break down in front of everybody in town,” I responded acerbically. When I looked up to see Terry’s helpless expression, I said, “Sorry. I know you’re trying to help.”
“It’s okay, Brian,” he responded sympathetically. “How about we get a pizza and go to my place or something. At least you’ll be in private.”
“Thanks, Terry. That’d be cool.”
“Can I come along?” Tomas asked.
Terry looked at me, and I nodded with a mighty sniffle. “If I’m going to embarrass myself, I might as well do it only once instead of twice.”
“C’mon Brian,” Tomas said, guiding me from the gym. “Are you okay to drive?”
“I’m not driving. I was going to run home.”
“Well, you’re not going home, so I’ll drive you to my place,” Terry cheerfully volunteered. “Tomas can pick up a pizza or something, or maybe we can feed you. I’ll ask my mom when we get there.”
Tomas handed Terry his cell phone. “Call her now so we know whether or not to get a pizza.”
Terry dialed the number. “Hi Mom, it’s me. Yeah I know, but the meeting ran late. That’s okay. We’ll get a pizza. Tomas and Brian Kellam. Yeah, that’s him. Sure.” Terry asked us, “What kind of pizza do you want?”
“Meat,” Tomas requested.
“Sure. That sounds okay.”
“Pepperoni, salami and sausage?” Terry asked. We nodded and he spoke again, “You heard? Okay. Thanks, Mom. See you in a few.” He hung up and handed the phone back to Tomas. “Mom’s taking care of us.”
“She always does,” Tomas commented as he stowed his phone. “She’s good like that.”
“I’ll take Brian with me, and we’ll meet you at home,” said Terry.
“Cool. See you there.”
“I need to get my books and things,” I said as Terry and I walked toward the exit.
“Me too. No big deal. We have about half an hour before the pizza gets there anyway.”
We walked in silence for a few moments, and then turned toward Terry’s locker.
As he dialed his combination, I asked, “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you care?”
“You lost me,” he said, shaking his head.
“Why do you care what happens to me?”
“Because you’re my friend, Brian,” Terry answered without hesitation. “Isn’t that enough?”
“You want to be friends with a fag?” I demanded, pushing hard. If there was any chance that Terry was going to quail when confronted with my orientation, I needed to know.
Terry stopped what he was doing and turned to face me, his expression stormy.
“Now let’s get one thing straight right now, Kellam...”
“I can’t! I’m a faggot, remember?”
“If you ever refer to yourself as a faggot again in my presence, I will flatten you. Are we clear?”
I pushed him some more. “So if you get this pissed off because I call myself a fag, what are you going to do if someone calls you a faggot because you’re my friend?”
“What is up with you? Are you trying to piss me off?” Terry demanded.
“Answer the question,” I replied coldly.
“What would I do?” Terry glared at me and continued, “I would correct their assumption about me, and then I would tell them that you might be gay, but you’re still my friend, and who you choose to love makes no difference to me. As long as it doesn’t interfere in our friendship, that is.”
I had held a stern expression throughout the confrontation, but after he had spoken, I let my face morph into a slight smile.
“I believe you. Thank you, Terry. That means a lot to me.”
“You asshole. You’re trying to test me?”
“Just a little,” I admitted. “I want to make sure that…”
“That I’m not going to bail when things get rough?” Terry asked softly.
I looked at him helplessly and shrugged.
“Brian, you don’t understand. Tomas and me, and Will Beck, and Sterling, Rick, a lot of the guys, we’ve had your back ever since the fight. There have been some guys who said some things. We set them straight, and made sure they know that you’re – still – our – friend. And that doesn’t change because you’re a fag.”
He smiled and pulled me into a rough hug, and I returned the gesture.
“Now let’s get out of here.”
“So, let me see if I understand,” I said as we walked to my locker. “If I call myself a fag, you’re going to flatten me, but if you call me a fag, it’s okay?”
“Something like that,” Terry confirmed with a slight grin.
“That hardly seems fair.”
“Tough shit.”
“Now is that something a friend would say?”
“This friend does,” he said haughtily.
“So you tell it like it is?”
“I try to.”
I examined him as we walked. Terry meant every word he said, of that I was sure. If he could stand by his assertion, he would be a staunch ally in the days, weeks, and months to come.
“What about Tomas?” I asked quietly.
“He’ll stand by you, too, Brian,” Terry replied with certainty. “Even against his own family.”
“His mom and dad?”
“They… didn’t react well to the fight.” Terry replied hesitantly.
“They didn’t like it that Jesus got beat up by a f….”
“Don’t say it, Brian,” Terry warned. “Yeah, that’s more or less what happened. You can ask him later if you want.”
“They’re not going to kick him out over me, are they?”
“No. Their family is really pretty tight. Tomas and his parents have an agreement to disagree about a lot of things, but they still love each other. Even Jesus, as long as… uh…”
“As long as I don’t come up?”
He sighed. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Damn it.”
“Look, Brian…”
“I know. It just bothers me that something I have no control over and affects no one but me can make people hate.”
“Not everyone hates you, bro,” Terry said, squeezing my shoulder. “You have more friends than you realize.”
“That’s good,” I answered sadly, “because I’m going to need them.”
We arrived at my locker and I picked up what I needed before walking silently to Terry’s truck. During the drive to his place, I sat thinking about the continuing effects of my coming out. When I weighed the ramifications in my mind, I felt overwhelmed, especially when I thought of the cost that fight had exacted on me. I had lost my soul mate and my savior, my best friend and my lover, all in one fell swoop. What’s worse, it had been within my power to prevent it all, to keep him by my side, but I chose instead to come to the aid of a person I saw as vulnerable and under attack. I chose that stranger over my own life, over my own happiness, and ruined at least two lives in the process.
“Hey, Brian? You okay?”
I sniffed and wiped the tears from my face with my sleeve.
“No, Terry,” I said softly. “I’m not.” I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.
I couldn’t answer him as the emotions overtook me. He sat next to me quietly as I cried myself out. I didn’t regain control until after Terry had turned off the ignition.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? Loving him?”
“For….” I motioned toward my face and shirt, indicating the snot- and tear-soaked clothing.
“Brother, you don’t have anything to be afraid of or embarrassed for,” he said with quiet earnestly. “I mean, look at what’s happened! I’d think there was something wrong with you if it didn’t hurt.”
“I hate it,” I carped bitterly. “I hate that this has hit me so hard.”
“My God, Brian! You aren’t made of rock! Well, okay, maybe your body is, but I know your brain isn’t,” Terry commented, and seeing his attempted levity was going nowhere, he continued softly, “or your heart. Even though it’s sometimes hard to see, you’re human. You put up a good front, but those of us who know you can tell.”
Terry’s words destroyed me. He had confirmed that I was not dealing as well as I had thought, and that bothered me. Tears once again fell from my eyes. It was difficult to hold back the sobs that once more threatened to take over.
“Come on, bro. Let’s go in so you can clean up. You can borrow a shirt if you want.”
I nodded miserably, unwilling to trust my voice. I had wondered since the time of the fight when the events that had occurred would hit home. The immensity of the emotions coursing through my spirit were nearly debilitating. It was all I could do to walk to the house and in the door. Thankfully, Terry led me to the bathroom immediately, where I sequestered myself until I could breathe normally.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red, my face tear-streaked, and my expression a mixture of confusion and fear. The person staring back at me was not someone I knew. He was a weak, pathetic creature that deserved pity.
A soft knock came at the door. Behind the door was Terry, and he handed me a shirt with a worried look.
“Brian, are you going to be all right?”
His simple question raised an unreasoning anger within me. I wanted to rage at him, to scream and yell, to take out my fury upon this person who dared ask me if I was going to be all right. Of course I wasn’t! I would never be all right again! I had ruined my life because I couldn’t control my anger…
That thought brought me up short. I couldn’t control my anger in the first place, and I was close to losing control again. I sat hard on the toilet and simply shook my head.
“Brian?”
I took the shirt from my friend and struggled to say something. I opened my mouth, but no sound emerged. I couldn’t meet his eyes any longer and looked away. I tried to speak again and when I failed, I put my head between my knees and clasped my hands behind my head, as though trying to hide.
From behind Terry, Tomas entered the bathroom and knelt by me.
Terry asked, “Shower?”
“Yeah,” Tomas replied after a moment.
Terry disappeared from view.
“C’mon, Brian,” Tomas whispered. Let’s get you washed up so you can eat.” I offered no resistance as Tomas took off my shirt, allowing him to move me as necessary. He took off my shoes and socks as well.
“Stand up, Brian. We need to get you undressed so you can take a shower.”
“I took a shower,” I said hoarsely, not really aware of the words.
“Yeah, but you’re a mess and need another one,” Tomas replied. “Terry and I are going to help you, okay? Are you all right with that?”
I nodded absently and did as Tomas bade me, and he had me down to my shorts when Terry returned wearing some swim trunks.
“Start the water, bro,” Tomas said to Terry, who nodded. “Terry’s going to get in with you and make sure you don’t fall, Brian.”
“Don’t need….”
“Yeah, we do. You’re not too steady right now and we want to be safe.”
I shrugged. “’kay.”
Another knock sounded.
“Do you guys need anything?” Asked a voice I dimly recognized.
“No, Pop,” Terry answered his father. “I think we have it under control right this second.”
“Call out if you need help.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Take off your shorts, Brian,” Tomas commanded me.
I did so with mechanical motions that came from muscle memory rather than conscious thought. My two friends led me into the shower and helped me wash myself as though they had been doing this sort of thing for years, and helped me dry when we were done. They wrapped me in a towel and directed me into a bedroom and onto a bed, where they lay me down. I stared up at the ceiling, seeing nothing.
“Call Mr. Patterson, Terry,” Tomas suggested.
“My dad has the number.”
“I’ll get it for you,” the man inserted from the door. “How is he?”
“He’s out of it, Pop,” Tomas answered with a concerned tone. “He barely responds to anything.”
“Well, if he and Pete were as close as you say they were, I can see how this might come about, especially if Brian’s been ignoring it. I’ll call Kevin and tell him what’s going on, and ask him to bring over some clothing for later.”
“Thanks, Dad. For everything,” Terry said.
“He’s your friend, Terry. That makes him family. You know that.”
“Yeah, but with everything….” Terry trailed off.
“It’s never been an issue for us,” his father responded. “You know that, or I thought you did.”
“I did – do…” Terry assured, “but it’s never been… we’ve never faced it before. Not like this.”
“And you didn’t believe that we’d actually live up to our word?” The man inquired.
“After what my folks said and did… it makes it hard to believe anything,” Tomas declared.
“We had to prove it to you,” Mr. Green prompted, and both boys nodded. “I can understand that. You get him settled and I’ll call Kevin.”
When his father had left, Terry looked at me and wondered, “Where do you think he is?”
“I don’t know, but wherever it is,” predicted Tomas, “it isn’t good.”