The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Seventeen

Unexpected

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Jason and I ate an early dinner Friday night at my place. He brought over the ingredients for spaghetti Friday afternoon, and we spent the time watching some television and talking about everything but relationships. Neither of us mentioned David or Brian by unspoken agreement.

When we had eaten all we could, we went shopping for my apartment. There were some basic items I still needed, such as linens and other things that make life difficult if they are not immediately at hand. In addition, I decided that I was going to replace everything I had that reminded me of my ex. It would be expensive to do that, but for my own sanity, it was necessary. Jason questioned me at first, but understood my reasoning. When all was said and done that night, I had spent a little over seven hundred dollars. It was not as though I could not afford it, but the total shocked me, and gave me another reason to be angry with Brian.

Saturday morning found me quite nervous. I was expecting my new study partners to arrive around one o’clock, and anxiety was making me queasy. I forced myself to stop fussing over the preparations about an hour before they were scheduled to show up and lay down on my bed for a while, trying to relax. I was just about asleep when a knock came at the door. I stood, checked my appearance in the mirror and answered it.

“Hiya, Pete,” said my first guest as I opened the door.

“Hi, Ryan. Come on in. Put your books anywhere.”

“Thanks. It’s really convenient having a MAX station in your back yard.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised that I could have missed seeing a mass transit station so close to my apartment. “I didn’t even know it was there. I can’t hear it, and with moving in and school.... I guess I wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s about one hundred yards north of your front door. If you need to go downtown, you don’t even need to drive.”

“Maybe we can do that sometime, Ryan. I’ve been in Portland for almost four years and I’ve never spent any time in the city.”

“Sure. That’d be great.”

I asked, “Do you want something to drink? Soda? Water?”

“Water is good,” Ryan replied. “So, where are your folks?”

“I live alone.”

“You do?” he inquired incredulously. “You’re eighteen?”

“No, only seventeen, but I’m emancipated. That’s a long story and I don’t want to get into it.”

“Wow. Okay, no problem. Still… it must be cool having your own place,” he said dreamily.

“Actually, it’s pretty lonely,” I replied, and then wished I had not.

Ryan peered at me, his eyes searching my face. I turned away and concentrated on getting ice for his glass.

“Yeah, I can imagine it would be. Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No, and I don’t want one, either,” I answered too quickly.

“Bad experience?” Ryan asked curiously.

I took a deep breath and realized I would have to tell him something. A partial truth would have to do. I was not going to come out to these people, no matter what. I looked at Ryan and stopped. Brian stared back at me. I blinked and looked again, shaking off the illusion caused by Ryan’s resemblance of Brian.

“My last relationship got ugly. I don’t want to talk about it. Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he commiserated. “I can relate. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had it so rough.”

“Not rough, exactly… well, yeah. I guess I have.”

Ryan gave me a half-smile that shook me down to my feet. God he looks like Brian, I thought, and then castigated myself for thinking it. He was out of my life for good.

Another knock sounded, breaking the spell Ryan’s smile had cast over me. I gave Ryan his glass and opened the door for Craig.

“Greetings!” Craig all but shouted as he walked in. In addition to his backpack he was carrying a paper grocery bag that looked heavy. He handed it to me.

“Host gift,” Craig said with a wink and a smile. I looked inside and saw two six-packs of beer.

“Where did you get this?” I queried, surprised, as I took it out of the bag.

“I have my sources,” he supplied, dropping his books next to Ryan’s.

“Do you want one now?” I asked, not a bit put off by Craig’s irreverent attitude.

“Nah, wait for the pizza,” he answered. “Speaking of which, I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

“It’s lunchtime,” Ryan responded.

“For you, maybe. I’ve only been up for an hour,” countered Craig, his smile still in place.

“Okay, I suppose I could eat by the time the pizza gets here,” Ryan acquiesced, his voice indicating good-humored long suffering.

“How do you guys know each other?” I asked the two of them.

“Well, we’ve gone to school together since first grade,” began Craig.

“And nothing I said would get them to put him back in obedience school, which is where he really belonged,” Ryan added with a sly glance at his friend.

“Shut up.” Craig good naturedly pushed Ryan. The two of them smiled at each other and then knocked fists. “Seriously, we were best buds up until I got a girlfriend in eighth grade, and then we drifted away from each other. Our interests changed.”

“We’re still friends, though,” Ryan inserted. “We just don’t hang out anymore.”

“What do you want on your pizza?” I asked.

“Everything!” Craig called.

“Eww,” Ryan commented. “No fish, no onions, no garlic.”

“Okay. Got it. Supreme with no smelly stuff,” I confirmed, and got a nod from both.

They talked quietly while I made the call to the pizza place around the corner. When I was done, I collected the funds as Ryan was breaking out the books.

“Might as well get started. We could be waiting for an hour or more,” he explained.

“Forty minutes is what they said,” I informed them.

“Oh well. We should still get started. Let’s get English done first,” Ryan suggested.

“Sure,” Craig agreed. “I have to finish up a book report. I hate English.”

“Okay. Let me get my books.”

I walked back into the spare bedroom where I had set up my computer desk and had a spare bed. My books were in a backpack that weighed more than anyone should have to carry for school. Dragging it out to the dining area took major effort.

“Did you pack your locker in there, too?” Ryan asked as he watched me struggle with nearly fifty pounds of text books.

“It certainly feels like it. Doesn’t the school realize that they could cause an injury to someone making them lug this stuff around all the time?”

“I don’t think they care,” Craig observed. “If they did, they’d cut out the homework all together.”

“Or give you a book to keep at home,” Ryan said dryly.

“Shut up, Ryan,” Craig snapped playfully. “Don’t burst my bubble, and don’t give them any ideas.”

“Okay. You guys ready to do some work here?” I asked.

“If we have to,” Craig sighed.

“I’m going to sit on the couch and read,” I said. “Feel free to move around. Bathroom is down the hall on the left.”

“Thanks awfully, Pete.” Ryan said, standing up.

“Leaving me all alone, Ryan?”

“Craig, babe, I’m not the one you should be asking that question of.”

“I did ask, and the answer was yes.” Craig said quietly. “You know that.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Craig sighed. “It never would have worked, anyway. Adrianna wanted a puppy she could leash. I wasn’t going to put up with it.”

“So she really is a bitch.” Ryan quipped.

Craig laughed. “Yeah, I guess she is!

“Hey Pete, I was meaning to ask you: where are your parents?”

“I live alone, Craig,” I replied. “I’m emancipated.”

“Emansa-what?” he queried, apparently uncertain what the word was or meant.

“E-manc-i-pa-ted,” Ryan said slowly while sitting down in a recliner. “It means he doesn’t have parents anymore. He’s a legal adult. Right?”

“Yeah,” I answered, “But I was adopted afterwards. Symbolic, really. My dad lives in a different school district, which is why I live here.”

“Why did you move?” Craig asked.

“That’s something I’d rather not talk about, if you don’t mind,” I stated, my tone closing the topic.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Craig. It’s just something I won’t discuss.”

“Okay.”

Craig finished his report just before the pizza arrived. When the delivery person knocked, I got up and opened the door. A man in his later twenties stood there. He handed me the two pizzas I had ordered.

“Nineteen forty-eight,” he said, looking me up and down with a grin, making me distinctly uncomfortable.

“Here,” I said, handing him twenty-three. “Keep the change.”

“Thanks for the tip, guys,” he said with a last look at me. I shut the door as quickly as I could without slamming it, vowing never to order pizza from that particular store again.

“Was he gay, or was he gay?” Ryan asked.

“Huh?” I asked stupidly, still disconcerted and handed the pizza to Craig.

“Hello? My gaydar was pinging so loud that it’s a wonder we’re not deaf!” Ryan said sarcastically.

“You could pick out a gay guy in a room of straight guys,” Craig joked while he got his pizza..

“Yes, I could, and I have,” Ryan countered, and he locked eyes with me and continued, “It takes one to know one.”

I blinked. My pulse rose and my face began to burn.

“Excuse me,” I muttered and raced past Craig and into my room, shutting the door behind me.

I could hear them talking behind me as I hurried to my bathroom. In the medicine cabinet, I found a bottle of Brian’s Xanax that Kevin had grabbed by mistake. I had been meaning to give it back to my dad, but never got around to it. I thanked the powers that be as I opened the bottle and poured out two of the little white pills, and then swallowed them with a cup of water. A few minutes spent washing my face and deep breathing calmed me enough so I could return to the kitchen to get my pizza and resume my place on the couch. I felt Ryan’s eyes following me the whole time while Craig, who had joined us in the living room on the opposite end of the couch, seemed oblivious to the byplay. There was no way I was going to meet Ryan’s gaze if I could at all avoid it.

“Are you sure that guy was gay, Ryan?” Craig asked.

“As certain as I am that you’re going to fail that quiz on Monday.”

“God, don’t say that. I can’t afford to fail.”

“What do you care if he was gay, Craig? He wasn’t after you. He was after Pete.”

“I don’t have a problem with gay people…” I hedged.

“I should hope not!” Ryan interjected

“…but that guy freaked me out.”

“He just wanted your body,” Ryan teased, “and really, who could blame him!”

“Don’t be gross,” Craig protested.

“Just because you’re a breeder want-to-be and can’t appreciate a quality male form doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t,” Ryan rebutted. “Right, Pete?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess,” I warily answered.

“Don’t go foisting your agenda on Pete, either. We know how gay teenagers are: gay men screw anything that moves. Add in the hormones and you’ll screw anything, moving or not.” A glance told me that Craig was joking around, so I tried not to take umbrage at his comments.

“Now who’s being gross. Screw your mother? There’s not enough money in the world to get me to do that,” Ryan spat in a bantering tone.

“Point taken. Never mind. Asshole.”

Ryan chuckled. “Game, set, match.”

“Yeah, this time. Wait until next time. I’ll whip your ass.”

“Promises, promises,” Ryan smirked.

A silence settled in for a bit as we finished eating and continued reading.

A cell phone rang at the table with the Three Stooges theme. Craig huffed and retrieved it.

“Hello? But… Can I at least finish my lunch? Okay. I’ll try to be there by three. Bye.” He sat again with a sigh. “Fuck. My mom wants me to come home. Apparently we’re going over to my uncle’s place for dinner. I get to baby-sit while we’re there. She knows I have a history test Monday, too.”

“We don’t have history until fifth, Craig. We can study during lunch if you want, or you could come over tomorrow,” I offered.

“I can’t. Tomorrow is church and the rest of the family is coming over for Sunday dinner,” Craig said dejectedly. “Damn. I didn’t even get a beer.”

“I’ll keep it here for next time, Craig,” I promised.

“I don’t like beer,” Ryan said with obvious distaste. “Next time, bring a good chardonnay.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” responded the other boy, a grin returning to his face.

Moments later, Craig had gathered his materials and was out the door. It had not been closed for two second before Ryan spoke.

“I’m sorry I frightened you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently, knowing full well what he was referring to.

“Pete, I wasn’t kidding about gaydar, and Craig wasn’t kidding either. I can pick people out pretty easily.”

“I’m not…”

“Don’t, Pete,” he interrupted. “Don’t start our friendship out on lies. If you don’t want to acknowledge it or whatever, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone; I promise you that.”

I met his eyes for the first time since I had paid for the pizzas. I debated on what to do as I thought. Brian’s eyes stared back at me with a gleam in them that was all Ryan.

I whispered, “You look so much like him that it scares me.”

“Like who?”

“Brian. My… the reason I moved.”

“Brian was your boyfriend?” he asked quietly.

“He was, but he outed himself after I asked him not to. I can’t be out, Ryan. I couldn’t stay with him. He betrayed us. He betrayed me.”

“You moved because you were afraid his being out would out you too?”

I nodded. Ryan took my hand and led me to the couch, a motion that Brian had made hundreds of times. We sat facing each other and Ryan let go.

“Why are you afraid of being out?” he asked curiously. “With both of you, it would seem you had safety in numbers.”

“I’m afraid of what can happen. My birth parents hated me being gay. My mom and her boyfriend used to beat on me. He used to cut me. A guy at school brought in a knife and a gun. The only reason no one was hurt is because they caught them before they could do anything. And then… Matthew Shepard. That could have been me or him or anyone.”

“I’m sorry, Pete,” Ryan said softly, resting his hand on my knee.

“Please don’t,” I said, lifting his hand off of me. “I don’t want to hurt you, but you have to know… when I look at you, I see him first. That’s how much you look like him.”

“I won’t hurt you, Pete. If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

I looked at him, and felt tears come to my eyes. I shook my head.

“What can I do for you? How can I help you?”

“I don’t know,” I replied quietly through my tears. “I’m so angry with him.”

Ryan watched me for a moment as I sat immobile, and then said, “Pete, I can only guess how much pain you’re in right now, and I hate it. If you’d like, I’m willing to hold you for a while. As a friend.”

“I don’t know if I can. It’s just…”

“Close your eyes, turn around, and lean into me. If it’s my face that causes you pain, then you don’t have to look.”

“No, Ryan. That’s stupid. I can’t do that to you. I won’t let myself do that to you.”

I looked him in the eyes for a moment, moved over a bit, and then leaned into him. He folded his arms around me and rested his chin on my head.

“I can listen at the same time, if you want me to.”

I sighed. Something about this boy drew me to him, and it was not just his resemblance to Brian. Ryan was comfortable with who he was. He had not tried to hide his orientation from me, and that spoke of a quiet confidence I found appealing. His soothing presence helped me to relax; become more at ease. I made the decision to trust Ryan and opened my heart to him. Over the next three hours I laughed and cried as I told Ryan my story, from the day I came out to Brian until the day I moved into the apartment. He was incredible, asking questions or remaining silent at just the right times, offering physical comfort when needed. I felt so much better when I was done. I thanked him for everything.

“No, it’s my pleasure, Pete. I’m glad I could be here for you. Next time we have a chance, I’ll tell you about me, okay? It’s only fair.”

I looked at him through a new pair of eyes, eyes that had purged themselves of the residual haze left there by Brian. Ryan was a beautiful boy, and I found myself wanting to know more about him.

“I’d like that, Ryan,” I said with a shy smile.

“Next weekend?”

“Or sometime this week, homework allowing.”

“Sure. I, um… I should get home, Pete.

“Oh, okay.” I stood up and helped him rise. I am not sure whether I pulled too hard or he overbalanced, but he ended up against me, and my arms closed around him automatically. The embrace lasted until Ryan pushed away.

“That was nice,” he said with a smile.

I helped him gather his things and walked him to the door. He turned to face me, stood on his toes, and kissed me lightly on the lips.

“I hope that wasn’t too forward,” he said quietly, looking up at me through his bangs.

“I liked it,” I said, surprising myself.

I leaned down, closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his. The kiss was chaste, but a spark passed between us. After a long moment, we parted. Ryan smiled and rested his hand on my chest.

“I need to go, Pete.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“No, hon. Thank you.”

He smiled again, and was out the door without a backward glance. I closed the door when he was out of sight. It was just after six. I cleaned up the minor mess in the kitchen and pulled out what remained of my homework, which I completed by seven, and then I was alone again. I wanted to call Jason and see if he wanted to go out to a movie or something, but I was afraid Brian would pick up, so I changed into some sweats and settled in on the couch to watch the television. It did not take long until I was bored with what was being broadcast. I realized I was tired.

After locking up and turning out the lights, I walked back to the bedroom, stripped down and got in the shower. In the shower, I thought about the events of the day. The deep rapport Ryan and I had developed in such a short time amazed me. His face, not Brian’s, filled my thoughts as I relaxed under the hot water and soaped myself. The shower proved to be a great relief, and I slept well for the first time since everything had happened.

I spent all day Sunday arguing with myself about whether what had happened between Ryan and me the evening before was a good thing or a bad thing. In all reality it had only been a very short time since Brian’s betrayal, and I was not sure if getting involved in a relationship of any sort was what I should be doing. I had heard about rebound relationships, and the last thing I wanted was to be involved in one.

Jason and Dad both came over for dinner that night, and I quickly decided I was not going to tell them anything about Ryan. I did not even know if anything would come of what started after the abortive study session. Dad wouldn’t appreciate that I had found a potential replacement for Brian so quickly, and since Jason was with Dad, I would not tell him either. It actually made things easier for me, not telling them, but there were a few times where my father openly wondered where my attention was, since I had to ask him to repeat himself so often. Jason simply observed me, silently evaluating my behavior. I saw a few quizzical glances shared between the two of them, but I ignored it as best I could, hoping they attributed it to other recent events.

Monday morning brought with it an anxious, anticipatory sensation in my stomach, the same sensation, I realized to my dismay, that I’d had in the first days after Brian and I had been reunited. While I prepared to leave for the day, I wondered what it was about Ryan that had captured my attention. Certainly his resemblance to Brian was part of it, but he was a completely different person than Brian was. His attitude was more care free, and he did not have the baggage Brian carried around with him.

No matter what Brian said, he was as much mired in the past as he had always been. His actions had proven it. He reacted to someone being picked on, something that had been going on for millennia and would continue for the rest of human existence. I broke off that train of thought and came back to Ryan, and he stayed on my mind for the rest of the morning.

I was worried about what would happen during third period when I saw Ryan. I was not sure how he would act, or how I should act either, for that matter. When I saw him outside of math class, my stomach turned over. He smiled when he spotted me. I smiled back, ignoring the nausea that threatened to overtake me.

“Hiya, Pete,” he said with a lopsided grin.

“H-hi.” I answered, my voice cracking. I blushed with embarrassment.

“How was your weekend?”

“Boring. Nothing exciting happened after you left.”

“Oh, I doubt that. I’m sure something must have popped up.” I blushed again. “I know it did for me.”

I gave a shy smile and shrugged. “Well, maybe.”

“You’re cute,” he said quietly as he preceded me into the classroom.

“You, too,” I responded, lightly pushing him from behind.

He smiled over his shoulder and sat in his desk, while I sat at mine, two rows behind and one row over. Mr. Taylor did his best to keep the class interesting by finding real life practical examples where the lessons applied, but on that day he could not have kept my attention even if he had brought in the Chippendale dancers. Ryan’s presence captivated me, and if I had not been so bemused, I would have been alarmed.

When class ended, Ryan waited for me outside of the class room, his impish grin still in place.

“Are you okay, Pete? You look like you’re lost.”

“Yeah,” Craig’s voice said from behind me. “Did you check out when you got into class?”

“I, uh, had a lot on my mind last night, and my Dad and brother came over for dinner,” I explained, casting a guilty glance at Ryan, whose grin widened.

Craig looked at me, and then looked at Ryan, and then back to me. “This thing on your mind last night didn’t happen to be part of our study group, did it?” he asked. I stared at him. Craig said, “Oh, come off it. Remember what I said? Ryan and I have been friends since we were little. I know him almost as well as I know myself, and it’s easy to tell when he’s interested and where his interests lay.”

“Then you’re fine with it?” I asked for the clarification.

“With all of it. Just don’t involve me, if you know what I mean,” Craig requested, his own smile crossing his face.

“Okay… I… uh… Can we eat lunch together?” I asked quietly. “I have some questions.”

“Sure,” Craig responded, “but you don’t have anything to worry about from me.”

“Guys?” Ryan interrupted, “Lets continue this later. If we wait much longer, we’ll be late.

We hurried along and made it to class just as the bell rang. Ryan again sat a few seats away, and again I could not concentrate. Craig had to kick my chair a few times to keep my attention from wandering. When class was over, I followed Craig and Ryan to the cafeteria, bought lunch, and then took a table that would give us as much privacy as possible.

“Look, Pete,” Craig said without preamble, “like I said, you don’t have anything to worry about from me.”

“I trust that, Craig. What I want to know is how you knew.”

“Simple. I watched him,” he said, nodding toward Ryan. “He’s better than a divining rod.”

I looked at Ryan, and he shrugged. “I told you. Gaydar.”

“Damn,” I spat, suddenly angry. “This is exactly the shit I was trying to get away from.”

“What?” Craig asked with uncertainty. Ryan looked shocked.

“I left my last school because I’d been outed, and there were people there who would have tried to kill me because of it.”

“Oh…. Okay, now it makes sense,” Craig commented. “That’s why you didn’t want to talk…. Pete, there is no one here in this school who would do anything to you whether you were out or not.”

“I can’t believe that,” I rejoined. “Phobia was so thick at my last school that I couldn’t stand it. I had to leave because I didn’t want to worry about a knife in my ribs or a bullet in the back of the head.”

“Aren’t you being a bit melodramatic?” Craig asked.

“No, I’m not. I had a guy threaten me with a hunting knife last year because my… friend beat up his friend. That was over a fight. With what they said, they would have followed through if they had known. Even some of the staff….”

“Pete,” Ryan interrupted, “No one here cares. I’m out. I’ve been out for four years. The last time I was even called a fag, outside of Craig here, was back in my freshman year. People don’t care. They have more important things to worry about than who gets me hard.”

“No way.”

Ryan sighed. “Guess I’m going to have to prove it to you.”

“How?”

He stood and stepped up onto his seat.

“No!” I whispered fiercely. “Get down here!”

“Can I have your attention please!” Ryan shouted.

“Ryan, come on!”

“Can I have your attention, please!” The room quieted down enough so he could easily be heard by everyone in the room.

“My name is Ryan Tracey. For those of you who don’t know, I’m gay. Is there anyone here who really cares? I mean, does who I love make a difference to any of you?”

A low murmur went through the room.

“No one has anything to say?”

“Yeah, I do.” I was shocked to hear Craig’s voice. He stood on his seat as well. “This guy is a friend of mine. I’ve known him since first grade. He could be straight, gay, bi or whatever; it wouldn’t matter. To me, he’s just Ryan Tracey, a guy who interrupted my lunch to prove a point. Oh, yeah. If anyone does have a problem with Ryan and was too cowardly to say anything just now, come talk to me. We’ll work things out.”

“Or you can talk to me,” said Cres loudly from across the room.

“Or me!” echoed a half-dozen others sitting with him.

“You were right, Ryan.,” Craig continued loudly. “People here just want to eat their lunch and not listen to you jabber all day, so I apologize for doubting the kind of people we have here at Pine Crest. Now sit down and let me eat my damn lunch!”

The room rocked with laughter and there were even scattered claps and whistles here and there. I stared at my two new friends as though they were insane, and then I decided that they were. I stood and walked away from the table, leaving them sitting there. I bypassed my locker and went straight to my car and drove home. Once there I took a couple of Brian’s pills and lay down, trying to recover my wits and determine what had just happened.

It didn’t take long until there was a knock on the door.

“Go away!” I drawled, still under the effect of the drugs.

“Open up, Pete,” called Craig. “We’re not going anywhere.”

I heard them talking outside the door and cursed. The bastards would not take a hint. Furious, I lurched up out of the couch and threw open the door.

“Look, assholes!”

My voice caught in my throat. Outside my door was Craig and Ryan, whom I expected, but Cres was there, too. I closed my eyes to will the vision of the unexpected visitor away, but it was a fruitless endeavor.

“May we please come in, Pete?” the Ryan asked in a soft, gentle voice.

Closing my eyes again, I wordlessly stepped aside, allowing them entry. I shut the door behind them. I didn’t meet their eyes, but then my anger took over.

I spun Ryan around by the shoulder and shouted, “How could you? You know why I came to Pine Crest!”

“Easy there, Pete,” Cres said, laying a restraining hand on my chest.

“I had to do something!”

I snapped, “By outing me?” I realized instantly what I had done. “Fuck!”

“I didn’t out you,” Ryan said earnestly. “No one there knows anything about you. How could they? You don’t talk to anyone but us!”

“Wrong. I did talk to you. You coming here with Cres outed me to another person!”

“Okay, let’s calm down a bit,” Craig said.

I shook my head. “No. I can’t believe you did that, Ryan! Especially after what we talked about on Saturday!”

“I had to! I was losing you!”

“What?” I stared at him, not comprehending his meaning. His pronouncement and uncertainty defused my anger.

Ryan wouldn’t look at me or anyone else. He sat heavily on the couch but remained on the edge of his seat. I waited for him to continue.

“I am already out. I have been for, like, forever. I knew that you would never… you would never want to be with me if you knew I was out –“

“So you outed me too so you –“

Ryan yelled over me, “No! Will you shut up and listen to me? I wanted to show you that there was nothing to worry about! That… that it would be okay if you were my friend!”

“I was your friend, Ryan! And then you pull this crap. Why?”

“Because I love you! All right? Are you happy now?”

I stumbled backwards and found myself sitting in the recliner, staring through everything in front of me, blinking furiously, desperately trying to wrap my mind around what had just been admitted to me.

“No. It’s too soon… You can’t,” was my weak protest.

“Yeah, well, I can… and I do. I don’t know why. Maybe because of Saturday. Maybe…”

“Wait. Can you give us a moment, please?” I asked Craig and Cres.

“We’ll be right outside,” Cres said, eyeing me meaningfully.

“He’s safe enough.”

“You sing out if you need us, Ryan,” Crespen asserted, ignoring my reassurances. Ryan nodded.

Once the door was shut, I said, “Ryan, you can’t. It’s been less than a month since… everything happened.”

“There’s nothing I can do about that. I know what I’m feeling.”

“Lust,” I replied dismissively.

“No. I know what that is like. This is something different.”

“Love at first sight?” I asked, my voice filled with skepticism.

“I know. I’ve read about it, even laughed at it, but then… Look, Pete, if you don’t feel that way about me, I understand. It’s… It’ll be hard, but…”

Ryan sighed. I found myself looking at him, wondering if what I was feeling was lust or something else that might be – or could grow to be – love. He glanced up and met my eyes briefly for the first time since he had taken his seat, and then dropped his gaze again.

“I… uh… I’m sorry. I really am. I won’t bother you any more.” I watched him for a moment as he struggled with his feelings. He glanced up for an instant, and then stood. “I’ll go now. I… uh… I’m sorry.”

He moved for the door so quickly that I almost did not reach him in time. I caught him and kissed Ryan passionately, giving in to my own feelings. A moment later we backed off and looked into each other’s eyes.

I had just forgiven Ryan for the same type of betrayal I had condemned Brian for. My mind was in a riot, telling me that what I was doing was wrong, that it was unfair and hypocritical. I firmly told myself to shut the fuck up, and kissed Ryan again.