The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Fifteen

Introductions

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Monday morning came much too early. I had very little sleep since my brain refused to let go of the manner in which Brian had handled our last conversation. His display of unearthly calm while I told him we were no longer together disturbed me more than anything else about the entire event. He seemed to know and accept that we weren’t getting back together before I even talked to him. It was like he had already moved on while I was still reeling, and it added another level of anger to my frustration.

I was extremely nervous when I arrived at school. I half expected Craig to blow me off and not meet me as he promised, but he was waiting for me when I got there.

“Hi, Pete,” he said warmly as I walked up to him. He held out his hand and we shook.

“Hi, Craig. I was half expecting you to not show up.”

He frowned and tilted his head slightly. “Why would you think that?”

“You know, the new guy and all that.”

“No, man. I don’t leave people hanging like that.” Craig seemed slightly insulted.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you.”

“No big deal,” Craig said, waving me off. “What class do you have first?”

“Chemistry. Mr. Griffith.”

“Griffith? He’s second floor, Quad B, corner room. That one right there,” he said, pointing to the room, clearly visible from where we were standing in the commons. “The rest of your classes except phys ed and law are in Quad A or B. Law is in Quad C, and phys ed is in the gym behind the library, which is right across the commons from the office.”

“Thanks, Craig.”

“Sure. There are some classrooms out behind the quads as well, but none of your classes are out there. Let’s go find your locker.”

“I found it last week; thanks.”

Craig gave me a lopsided grin that made him appear to be five years old. “Sounds like you’re all set, then. Cres is in your physics class second, and I’m in your math class and English class third and fourth, so I’ll see you then. Cool?”

“Cool. Thanks again, Craig.”

“Hey, what are new friends for? See ‘ya second.”

He walked away, swallowed quickly by the rapidly growing swell of students in the commons. I followed Craig’s directions, climbed the ramp from the commons to the second floor of Quad B and entered the classroom.

Mr. Griffith was a powerfully built man in his early forties, standing six four and weighing at least two hundred and twenty-five pounds. He stood at the board writing some information for the day’s classes as I approached. He spun on me when I was ten feet away, surprising me.

“Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

“I’m checking in. Pete Patterson.”

“Well, Mr. Patterson, welcome to Pine Crest. I’m Mr. Griffith,” he informed me as he took my schedule. “Please find an empty place. I’ll get you your text book and ask you to introduce yourself after the morning announcements.” He turned away and walked back into a utility room, leaving me to find a seat.

When the bell rang to start class, Mr. Griffith appeared and gave me my book and schedule. Morning announcements were read over the public address system, and once finished, the murmuring of my fellow students died away when Mr. Griffith took center stage at the front of the room.

“Ladies and gentlemen, kindly give your attention to our new arrival, Mr. Patterson. If you would please.”

I swallowed, suddenly nervous as all eyes swung to me. “My name is Pete Patterson. I’m a junior, transferring in from another local school. That’s pretty much it.”

The instructor asked, “Do you play sports, Mr. Patterson?”

“I played football at my other school. I’m not going to try out for the team here so I can concentrate on my grades.”

“I see. There is something to be said for studiousness, but a balance in life is just as important. Tell us one thing that makes you unique.”

I stood staring at the man for a moment before anything came to mind that I didn’t mind sharing too much.

“I was adopted.”

“Thank you, Mr. Patterson.”

I sat down gratefully, glancing at my nearest neighbor as I did. She was a pretty girl and passed me a shy smile before Mr. Griffith launched into his lecture. During a lull in the class, the girl next door introduced herself.

“Hi. I’m Samantha, but you can call me Sam.” She offered her hand, and I shook it gently.

“Pete. It’s nice to meet you, Sam.”

“You too.” With a wicked grin, she asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

I could feel the blood drain from my face as I stammered. “N-no.”

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up anything painful,” she said sincerely, her expression sympathetic.

“No, it’s… It hasn’t been long.”

“Maybe you can tell me about it some time?”

“Maybe…”

Mr. Griffith continued his lecture, ending the conversation to my great relief. My relationship with Brian was the last thing I wanted to discuss with anyone, and there was always the likelihood I would slip and say “he” instead of “she” in the conversation.

When the buzzer rang, Sam walked out of the class with me. She was a slim five three with rich blond hair, brown eyes, and a pretty smile. I liked her.

As we went down the stairs, she said, “If you want someone to talk to, about, you know, I’m a good listener.”

“Thanks, Sam. I appreciate that, but all I want to do now is let it pass.

“How long were you together?” she asked, looking straight ahead.

I debated for a moment on whether or not to answer her question. “Almost four years. Sam, please, I don’t want to talk about this right now. It’s too fresh.”

“Four years? Wow, that is a long time. Is that why you came to this school. Because you broke up?”

“Sam…”

“Okay. Sorry… I get nosy too, so tell me to stop and I will,” she said, smiling sweetly.

“Okay, then,” I replied stoically, “stop.”

“Okay, I’ll stop,” she said, her smile still in place. “What do you have next?”

“Physics.”

“Who do you have, Mr. Taylor or Mr. Hawkins?”

“Uh… Hawkins,” I informed her as I looked at my schedule again.

“Mr. Hawkins is a good teacher. You’ll like him.”

I wandered over to my locker, which was right in front of Mr. Hawkins’ room, with Sam following me. She was beginning to make me nervous just by being there.

“Well,” she commented, “My next class is over in Quad C, so I’ll see you later on.”

“Okay. Have a good one.”

“You too, Pete. It was good to meet you.”

“Same here.”

She smiled and moved off through the crowd. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I was not sure of Sam. She was too curious by half, but she seemed sincere enough. I opened my locker and deposited my chemistry book, and then walked the four steps to my next class.

Most of the students were gathered at the front of the classroom, clustered about a table. As I moved forward, I saw through the crowd the elements of an experiment of some sort, being displayed by a man in a lab coat. He was quite short, standing just a couple inches over five feet, and very thin. I doubt he weighed a hundred pounds. The bell rang, but the crowd around the table didn’t move, intent on what was being done in front of them. Mr. Hawkins looked up and spied me watching him.

He said, “Everyone in their desks please,” in a quiet voice. People wandered off to their seats as Mr. Hawkins stood before me. I handed him my schedule.

“Welcome to Pine Crest, Pete,” he said in an unexpected baritone voice. “Take a seat anywhere while I get you your book.”

Looking around the room, I saw an empty desk toward the back. Sitting next to it was Crespen Darrow. He raised a hand in greeting as I sat.

“How’s it going, Pete?” he asked.

“Okay,” I replied. “No problems so far.”

“Cool. I saw you talking to Sam.”

“Yeah. Does she always interrogate people she just met?”

Cres quietly laughed. “Yeah, and people she’s known forever too. She got to you, huh?”

“She sits next to me in chemistry,” I answered ruefully.

“Just tell her to back off. She will.”

“Okay,” I said as Mr. Hawkins handed me a book.

“Books away please,” the instructor said quietly, and then passed out the first of many quizzes I would take in his class.

The remainder of the day passed relatively quickly compared to chemistry and Sam’s inquisition. With the exception to sixth-period law, Craig or Cres were in my classes for the rest of my schedule. It gave me a sense of comfort that I would know someone in each of my classes for the first few weeks until I settled in.

Dad came over to see how I was doing the next day. We were going to go to dinner together around six o’clock. When he hadn’t arrived by six thirty, I called his office and was told he had left there at four thirty, which gave him plenty of time to make it to the apartment. Against my better judgment, I called the farm house. Lisa answered and told me Kevin had been there and left already. I was starting to become concerned.

I wrote a note to Dad to call me on my cell if he showed up, locked up the apartment and headed to my car to go look for him. As I turned the corner, I saw Dad sitting on the hood of a car talking to a woman with grocery bags sitting at her feet. He saw me and looked at his watch before standing up and apologizing to the woman. Since he had seen me, I went back into the apartment to wait for him. It took another ten minutes for him to come in.

“Oh, man. Pete, I’m so sorry about that. We got to talking and I lost track of time.”

“It’s okay, Dad. Who is she?”

Kevin blushed slightly and stuck his hands in his pockets. “Her name is Abby, and she lives in the complex here. I, um, knocked a bag out of her hands.”

“Dad?”

“Yes?” He looked at me curiously.

“Is she married?”

His face grew more red. “No.”

“Did you get her number?”

Kevin grinned widely as he pulled a slip of paper with a phone number and e-mail address on it out of his pocket.

“Very cool!”

“Thanks, son,” he said with a huge smile. “Hungry?”

“Yeah. You can tell me all about her over dinner.”

“You’re buying.”

I responded, “For this story, you bet. Let’s go.”

A short drive later, we sat in a booth at a local coffee shop. After ordering our drinks and food, I started pestering my dad for details. It didn’t take much to get him to talk.

“Okay enough with the badgering.” I snorted and he continued, “Her name is Abby Wolfe, she’s thirty-nine, divorced, and has a thirteen year old son named Sean that goes to the same school Dawn goes to.”

“And?” I prompted.

“And… what?”

I grunted in frustration. “Come on! What color eyes does she have?”

“I, uh… didn’t notice,” he said with a blush.

“You didn’t notice?” I asked. “How could you live with three gay boys and not notice?”

“I was sort of nervous, you know.”

“You’re an attorney! You talk to people for a living!”

“Okay. You made your point. I guess I’ll have to pay attention when I see her again.”

“You better,” I said with mock severity, “or we’ll revoke your honorary membership in the gay brotherhood.”

Dad chuckled, and then turned serious. “I don’t get it. You are so afraid of being outed, yet here you are talking about being gay in a normal voice in a public place. You’re contradicting yourself.”

I sat back in my seat, dropping my gaze to my hands on the table.

“Change the subject, please.”

“Why, Pete?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped, raising my gaze to meet his.

“All right, son. I’m sorry to push.”

I sighed heavily. “It’s okay. I know you don’t understand.”

“No, I do, at least part of your reasoning anyway,” my dad said. “Did you feel that unsafe at school?”

“Yes. Look at what happened to Br… look what happened.”

“And you feel safer in public?”

“I guess,” I admitted. “Some.”

“That is completely counterintuitive, Pete,” Kevin said softly. “Why do you think that is?”

“It’s… in school, I know there are people who hate us. They say it every day. Out here… It’s like I know that not everybody is like that, and people aren’t really paying attention.” Dad watched me for a moment, leaving me feeling uncomfortable. I dropped my eyes to my lap. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Dad asked.

“Because I know you’re disappointed in me.”

“Pete, look at me.” I did as he asked after a short moment. “I am not disappointed in you. You have your reasons for what you did. I may not understand them, but I am proud of you for doing what you feel you have to do. You’re sticking to the courage of your convictions, and that is something anyone can be proud of.”

“Then why do I feel like you think I made a mistake?”

It was Dad’s turn to sit back and sigh. “Whether I believe you made a mistake or not, they’re your choices, and I try to respect them.”

“So you do think I made a mistake.”

“Do you want the truth?” he asked, his eyes sharp.

“Why would you ask that? Of course I want the truth.”

“Then yes, I think you made a mistake. However, that is from my perspective which is different from yours. I can’t know everything you think and feel; what went into the decisions you’ve made, so what I think doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does,” I said quietly. “It does to me.”

“I’m sorry, son,” Kevin apologized “I can’t help you. But again, I’m not you, so I’m not in a position to judge you.”

“I hate what he did to us.”

“I know. He’s not happy, either.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter any more,” I said with more resignation than I actually felt.

“I suppose not, son.”

We were silent until our food arrived. Conversation during the meal was sparse and strained. When we were done, I drove us back to my place and said goodbye there in the parking lot before I returned to my cold, dark apartment and spent the rest of my evening alone.

School the next day drug on forever until last period. Phys ed was the only class I had a break in, and I did my best to take full advantage of it, enjoying the time as much as possible.

My instructor, Mr. Kushner, was a big running fanatic and made us run a mile each day before class. One thing that I had to admit, albeit grudgingly, was that living and working out with Brian had given me a healthy endurance in comparison to most of my classmates. I was one of the first people finished, which gave me some time to get to know a few more of my fellow students.

Ryan Tracey stood five-foot eight and weighed in around one forty. He looked so much like my ex-boyfriend that it startled me. I had to look twice to make sure it was not Brian standing in front of me. He was not quite as built as Brian was, but he was trim and fit with the same overall body shape.

Ryan also had the same intensity Brian gets when he is concentrating. When he first met me, Ryan stared at and through me, again, not unlike Brian. Once he had examined me to his satisfaction, Ryan relaxed and smiled as he introduced himself.

“Hey, Pete,” he said genially. “I’m Ryan Tracey. I’m in every class you have from third period on.” He offered his hand and I took it firmly. Even his name was similar to Brian’s!

“N-nice to meet you, Ryan. Pete Patterson.”

“Good to meet you,” he replied. “Where do you live?”

“Millikan and 153rd.”

“Cool. I’m not that far away from you then. I’m on Cedar Hills and Walker, just a mile or two.”

“Um, okay,” I responded uneasily.

He looked at me strangely for a moment, and then said, “You’re staring at me. That’s why I came over.”

“I am? Oh. Sorry. You remind me of someone. I don’t mean anything by it.”

“Who do I remind you of?” he inquired curiously.

Mr. Kushner saved me by calling everyone together and setting us to work playing basketball. Ryan and I were set on different teams, so he didn’t get a chance to ask his question again until the shower bell rang.

“Pete, you said I reminded you of someone.”

“Yeah, you do,” I said carefully. “An ex-friend who betrayed me.”

“Oh. Well, try to remember that I’m not him, okay?”

I passed him a curious look.

“I’d like to be your friend, if you don’t mind,” Ryan said sardonically.

“Sure, but why?”

“I need a reason?”

“You might.”

Ryan chuckled and walked away to his locker without answering. I watched him go, still marveling at the uncanny similarity between Ryan and Brian. I could not help surreptitiously watching him change and shower for a further comparison, and found myself beginning to react physically. Quickly finishing my own shower and dressing provided enough of a distraction that I did not embarrass myself.

However, Ryan came up behind me as I waited for the final bell.

“Hey, Pete, I was thinking. Since we have pretty much the same classes, how would you like to study together?”

“I don’t know, Ryan. I haven’t even made it through my first week yet. Give me a chance to see where I stand, okay?”

“Sure. I thought I’d offer though, since we do have the same schedule.” Even his half-smile reminded me of Brian.

“I’ll let you know. All right?”

“Yeah, no problem, no pressure.” The bell rang. “Talk to you tomorrow, Pete.”

“Yeah. See you in class.”

We parted ways, and I headed back to my car and drove home, to my empty apartment.

Thursday was a repeat of the days before. Cres, Craig, Sam and Ryan all made it a point to talk to me. The five of us ate lunch, and then finished our classes for the day. Ryan and Craig were both on my basketball team in phys ed, and we kicked ass.

After, I went back to the apartment and started on my homework. In the middle of my physics assignment, the phone rang. Caller ID listed the number to the farmhouse. I picked up the phone, expecting Kevin to be calling to check in on me after our last conversation.

“Hi, Dad.”

A short silence was followed by, “It’s me.”

Brian’s voice startled me. A sense of longing, followed by a pang of loss and a large dose of rage struck me. I managed to battle myself into a state of cold fury so I could respond without screaming.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I grated in a harsh voice.

Another pause preceded his words. “I called to tell you…”

Just the sound of his voice obliterated the calm I had managed to create. My voice displayed the full measure of my anger. “I don’t care! Don’t you get it? Just leave me the fuck alone!”

I slammed the phone down and stared at it, my rage undiminished. In a moment of pique, I grabbed the phone and hurled it against the wall, shattering it. In the next second, I swept my books off the table with a roar, and literally spun in a circle, unable to decide what to do next. Something inside shattered. I collapsed on the floor next to my apartment door, and cried. I cried because I felt so alone, so unloved. I cried so hard I vomited on the floor, and I did not care.

My cell phone rang, but I could not bring myself to stop long enough to answer it. It rang again, and again, but it did not penetrate the misery I felt. I curled up into a ball and lay on the floor, ignoring the foul stench permeating the room from my wastes.

Night fell. My cell phone sounded again and was ignored. The apartment grew dark and cold, and still I lay where I had fallen, my mind numb and stagnant, no thought of consequence passing through my consciousness. A single image came forward to float before me; to taunt me, evoking more tears and nothing else, the crying reflex having been worn out long ago.

A pounding at the door behind me mattered not at all. A voice called to me and was dismissed. The voice sounded again, louder, more urgent, and yet more distant at the same time. The rattle of a key in the lock bounced off the fringes of my perception, and I was dimly aware of a pair of strong arms lifting me from the floor.

“Oh, Pete....”

The sound of my name lifted the mist away. I became instantly aware that I was being carried like an infant. I became equally aware of a pong emanating from my body and clothing. The reek caused me to convulse, and I barely managed to retain the meager contents of my stomach.

“Are you okay?”

I said nothing, fearing I would spew again if I opened my mouth.

“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.” I was set down in the bathroom taking nothing more than a cursory interest in my surroundings. “You’re going to have to help me get your clothes off, Pete.”

I stared blankly at the person in front of me.

“Take off your shirt,” he directed.

I complied with mechanical motions, the task being completed by instinct.

“Now your pants,” came the instruction.

Again I did as told, unbuttoning them with numb hands and letting them fall to the floor.

“And your shorts.”

I bent to do as he asked, to slide them past my knees, and my gut cramped again. I was aware enough to whirl to the toilet and spare the floor another mess I would have to clean later.

A moment or an eternity later, I was not certain which, I was ordered into the shower, where the water was miraculously running and already warm. After being led through the process of cleansing my body action by action, I dried my body by muscle memory.

“Let’s get you into bed now.”

He put his hands on my bare shoulders and herded me to the bedroom and settled me in the bed. I was moving automatically, ignoring anything that was not put directly in front of me or commanded of me. When the light was extinguished I continued to stare at the darkened ceiling until a merciful sleep at last took me.

Sitting in my room doing my homework, I heard a sound I had come to dread. Curt was home from work. I listened harder for a moment, and then cursed. As if Curt being home wasn’t enough, he was angry, and he was drinking, too.

I started cleaning up my books and papers as quietly as I could, and shoved them into my backpack. The sound of the refrigerator door slamming shut followed by stomping footsteps coming down the hall toward the bedrooms. A quick look told me there was no way I could get into my sanctuary before Curt came in and saw me, so I stood where I was and prayed he would go into the room he shared with Mother, but he stopped in front of my door, and opened it.

“There you are, shit head,” Curt grated. “You know, you and me need to get to know each other a little better, seeing as I’m gonna be your dad and all.”

I swallowed hard as a lazy smile spread across his face. This could not be happening.

“So come here, and let’s get friendly.

When I hesitated, the man charged me. Before I could evade him, he shoved me back onto my bed, slamming my head into the wall. As I regained my wits, I felt Curt’s hands struggle to release my belt. I did what I could to fend him off, but he was too strong. A swift backhand made my vision swim.

“Stop fightin’, you fucking queer! You know you want it.”

He reached down and turned me over onto my stomach and pulled my pants off.

I screamed.

I found myself sitting up in bed, breathing hard and heart pounding. It took me a moment to reorient myself in the present as the fear and pain from the dream slipped away. I wrapped my knees in my arms and put my head down. The nightmares were getting worse.

With a deep breath and a heavy sigh, I looked around the room. Everything was where it was supposed to be. I tried to remember what had happened the night before, but nothing made sense to me. I remembered Brian’s phone call, and I vaguely remembered being put into bed. A glance at the clock told me I was running late if I was going to make it to school on time.

The motion of rolling out of bed woke Jason. How he had come to be next to me, however, I had no clue.

“Morning, bro,” he said as he stretched. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I guess. What are you doing here?”

He looked at me and spoke carefully. “What do you remember?”

I told him what little I could recall, and he simply nodded.

“After we figured out what had happened, I tried to call you to see if you were okay. You didn’t answer, so I came over. You… ah… you weren’t doing very well.”

“I guess not,” I said quietly. “Thanks for coming over, Jason.”

“What are brothers for?”

“How is Brian?” Now why had I asked that?

“He’s surviving. How about you?” he asked.

“I guess I’m okay. Last night makes no sense, though.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, bro. Something like this happened to me after I found David fucking around on me. Literally.” Jason’s smile was grim.

“I wondered what had happened,” I commented. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” I peered at him curiously and he continued, “It was better I found out when I did than a couple years down the line. A lot safer, too.”

“Did you ever…”

“No, we never had intercourse. I wasn’t that certain of our relationship, and now I know why. This actually ended up being a good thing. I learned a lot about myself. I was with him for the wrong reasons, and now that I know what they were, I can avoid it the next time.”

“Do you have anyone in mind?” I asked mildly.

“No. I’m not ready to get back into the game yet. It was a good thing, but it still hurt.”

I was quiet for a moment, and then asked, “Does Dad know?”

“About last night?” I nodded. “Yeah. I had to tell him, Pete.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I bet he wants to talk to me, huh?”

“He’s sleeping in the front room. He came over after you were in bed.”

I sighed deeply, and then realized I was standing in front of Jason without a stitch of clothing on. I looked around for my shorts, and finding none, I walked into the closet and took some from the dresser. Before I put them on, I decided a shower was in order. My body felt grungy, and I wanted to clean up.

The water in the shower warmed at once and I washed myself quickly and methodically. By the time I was dried and dressed, I could hear Jason and Kevin talking in the living room. I completed my grooming and joined them, resigned to the discussion that would certainly be required. To my surprise, Kevin merely watched me move around the kitchen after a minimal greeting. He and Jason continued their conversation as I prepared for school, and only as I was leaving did my father say anything to me.

“Son, do you feel well enough to go to school?” he asked, his voice full of concern and love.

“Yeah, I do, Dad. I don’t know what happened last night, but I feel all right now.”

“Good.” He stepped up and embraced me tightly. “Call me if you need to come home and you don’t feel you can drive.”

“It won’t be a problem, but I will if I need to,” I promised.

He released me and I went on my way, reminding them to lock up when they left.

On the short drive to school, I thought about how I was living my life now that I was on my own, and I realized I was lonely. I hated being alone. The decision to surround myself with new friends was made without having to think about it.

When third period arrived, I found Ryan sitting in his desk preparing for class. His face brightened when he saw me.

“Morning, Pete.”

“Morning, Ryan. I was thinking…”

“Dangerous, that,” he said with a grin.

“You have no idea,” I countered. “Anyway, I was thinking, if you still need a study partner, I’ll take you up on it.”

“Can I join you?” Craig inquired from the next desk back. “We have English, trig and history together.”

Ryan sighed theatrically and then said, “If you must.”

“Sure,” I agreed.

“Cool.” I gave them my address. “When do you want to start?”

“Next Monday?”

“We have a quiz in history Monday,” Craig reminded us. “How about Saturday afternoon?”

“Sounds good to me,” Ryan replied.

“We can work at my place,” I volunteered, “and order pizza or something.”

“Oh, just what I need,” Ryan remarked, “more zits.”

“We don’t have to get pizza….” Ryan grinned to let me know he was playing with me. I grinned back. “Okay then, it’s a date.”

Ryan’s smile widened. “You bet.”

Craig was smiling too. “I don’t kiss on the first time out.”

“Thank God for that,” Ryan quipped. “I wouldn’t want any competition.”

The three of us laughed as class was called to order. It felt good.