The Power Within

Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Thirteen

Transition

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I awoke early the next morning before anyone else in the house, and tried to drop off again but found it impossible. I rose, put on some sweats and went to the living room to watch some television. Nothing I saw appealed in the least, so I walked out into the early morning rain to get the paper and sat with it until Mrs. Tanner emerged from her bedroom.

“Good morning, Pete. How are you feeling?”

“Good morning. All right, I guess.”

“How did you sleep?” she asked as she ran the water for a pot of coffee.

“Fine until four or so. I couldn’t sleep any more.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I can deal with a lack of sleep. It’s all the….”

I closed my mouth, not wanting to say any more about the circumstances surrounding my breaking it off with Brian. I did not want to involve Jared or his family any more than I had to.

“You’re angry,” she commented “I can understand that. If you weren’t, I would wonder.”

“It’s more than that though. It’s… Mrs. Tanner, I really, really appreciate you taking me in like this, but I don’t want to drag you into my problems.”

She eyed me for a moment, and then said, “Well then, would you mind a mother sticking her nose in?” I sighed. “Pete, is this your first break up?”

“Yes.”

“Jared’s had a couple of them, and they all have the anger, the depression, the sadness, more anger, more depression, more sadness…. It’s a cycle that you’ll go through.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?” She asked mildly. “You’re so angry right now that you’re making a fist.”

I looked down, saw she was right, and made a conscious effort to relax.

“If what Jared has told me is anything close to the truth, you and Brian shared a special relationship, different than anything he’s experienced. He’s talked about it quite often, how much he admires the two of you for what you’ve done to make your relationship work.

“Excuse me, not to be rude, but what does this have to do with the situation now? We’re not together anymore.”

“And you’re over it just like that?” She snapped her fingers as an illustration.

I glared at her. I still did not see the connection she was trying to make.

“My point is that you may not be with Brian anymore, but your relationship with him will take longer. You were together for a long time with a lot of history. It will take time for that connection to fade.”

I said nothing, pondering her words. I knew they were true, and I did not like it. I wanted nothing more to do with Brian.

“You still love him. I know you do, so don’t deny it. You wouldn’t be this angry if you didn’t.”

“So?”

“So, accept that you still love him, accept also that you aren’t together, and let the anger drift away. Staying angry only makes you miserable. Trust me on that one. I know.”

“How can I do that?” I demanded. “He destroyed what we had together!”

“Why?” she asked reasonably. “Does he love you?”

“I thought he did,” I answered bitterly.

“Do you really think he would intentionally go out of his way just to destroy what he probably thought was the best thing that ever happened to him?”

I replied quickly, “What’s to think about? He did it!”

She pressed on. “What was his motivation?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s done!”

Mrs. Tanner pursed her lips and frowned at me. “There’s obviously no talking to you about this right now. When you’ve taken the time to think all of this through, I’ll be here for you, if you’d like.” She turned her back on me and continued her morning routine.

So what if I was being unreasonable? Brian had been more than unreasonable, he had been treasonous, betraying my trust completely. I was allowed to be unreasonable given the magnitude of the betrayal I had suffered, in my opinion.

I stood and returned to the guest room, no longer wanting to be in the woman’s company. The bed looked inviting, so I stripped down and got in. Sleep found me, but only after I had shed a fair amount of tears.

The house was empty when I awoke the next morning. I found a key and a note on the table telling me Mr. and Mrs. Tanner would be home after six, and to help myself to anything in the kitchen. Not being hungry, I instead took my shower and got myself ready to do what needed to be done.

I timed my visit to the school to be during classes so I would not have to worry about anyone seeing me. The office staff gave me no trouble when I asked for my transfer paperwork. Mr. Johnson came out and said goodbye and that he was sorry I was leaving. I was polite, but I did not talk with him for long, wanting to leave as soon as I could. On my way out, however, I did run into Will Beck. He gave me a perfunctory greeting which I returned in kind, but it was his eyes that disturbed me. Simply by the set of his eyes, I was certain he thought I was gay, and that he did not like it. Once we passed each other, I fled to my car and drove away.

That errand completed, I got myself something to eat at the nearest burger shop and waited until a quarter of one to go to the farm house. Lisa was there when I arrived. She was working in the kitchen, and as I opened the door she came out to greet me.

“Hello, Pete,” she said gently, her expression welcoming but sad.

“Hi,” I answered blandly. “I’m here for the rest of my things.”

“Pete, is there anything…”

“No. Brian made his choice, and now I’ve made mine. I’ll be gone as soon as I’m done packing.”

“Pete, this is your house,” she began nervously.

“And I promised you could live here. I’m not going to evict you. I’m angry with Brian, yes, but I won’t kick you out.”

She followed me back to what would now be Brian’s room, but stopped at the door as I walked in.

“Pete, I’m sorry for how this is turning out,” she said sincerely. “You mean a lot to all of us, and you’ll always be welcome.”

“Thank you,” I replied, surprised at the real feeling in her voice. “That means a lot, but with the way things are…. I need to get my things before Brian gets back.”

“Can I help you?” Lisa offered.

“Thanks, but I better do this on my own. It wouldn’t feel right.”

Lisa nodded her understanding and left me to finish the job on my own. It took an hour and a half to finish packing my clothes and gather my personal things. I sat on the bed looking around the now barren room, trying to remember what it was like to live there with Brian. Everything that we had together was a memory that I was losing sight of, slipping away beneath the anger and the fear I was feeling. Brian had destroyed it.

I stood abruptly and strode to the desk, where I wrote a short note telling Brian he could keep the computer and his family could stay in the house. Then I gathered the last of my things and left without saying goodbye.

The next step was to see about getting an apartment. Dad had told me where the apartment complex he had in mind was, and I decided to drop by and check it out. It was off Baseline Road near Kiley Road. The woman in the rental office was very welcoming and did not give my age any thought as she showed me the layout of units she had available.

They had one and two bedroom apartments on three floors of the various buildings in the large complex.. The first apartment she showed me was a one bedroom that seemed way to small to me. She then showed me a two bedroom apartment.

When I walked in, I was struck by a sense of de ja vous that rocked me to my core. The apartment was set up exactly as the apartment my mother and Curt had lived in during the worst of the abuse. It took me several minutes to calm myself enough so I could hear what the lady was telling me, and then I walked straight into the room which would have been mine while living with them to look for the door to my refuge. There was none.

I debated on whether or not I could live with the constant reminder of that time period in my life by living in an apartment of this arrangement. A feeling of rage boiled up from deep inside of me, directed at Curt and my mother and their ability to still affect me in that way. On the walk back to the office, I decided that I would take the apartment. There were several vacant units in the complex, and I chose one on the ground floor. We scheduled a move in that Friday, just three days away.

After settling the deposit and rent, I went back to Jared’s house to relax for a bit. The next day would be soon enough to register at my new school. I called my father to tell him about the apartment. He was happy that I had found a place, asked me to rent a truck to carry the furniture from the storage unit to the apartment, and that Dad and Ray would be helping me move.

After hanging up, I looked around me. The house was empty and cold, much the same way my apartment would be. It made me sad and angry at the same time. Again Brian was forcing me into a situation not of my choosing. Not only did he destroy our relationship, but he forced me out of my own house.

I decided to lay down and take a nap. If I was sleeping, I would not be thinking about anything, and that is where I wanted to be.

When I arrived at Pine Crest High the next morning, I was impressed. It was on a twelve acre plot of land which contained all the sports fields as well as the school buildings themselves. The main structure was two stories with a common area in the center open all the way to the roof, giving the whole place an open airy feeling. Off the commons sat four quads surrounded by classrooms and lockers in a horseshoe layout, opening into the commons area, and above the quads on the second floor was another set of classrooms in the same configuration.

I found the office hidden behind the cafeteria near the main entrance. The woman at the window brought me into the office and asked me to wait until the counselor could see me. I thanked her and watched the office people move about with practiced efficiency until I was approached by a woman in her mid-forties.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Redfort.”

“Hello,” I said with a smile, offering my hand. “Peter Patterson, but please, call me Pete.”

“Thank you, Pete. I understand you’re registering with us. If I may ask, where are your parents?”

“I’m emancipated, Dr. Redfort. My adoptive father works in the city.”

“I see. Please follow me, and we’ll get everything taken care of.”

She led me to a rather spacious office and invited me to sit at a round table.

“If I may have your records, we’ll work out a schedule for you.”

As I handed them to her, I said, “I won’t be able to come to classes until Monday. I’m moving into an apartment and I’ll need the rest of the week to take care of utilities and actually moving in.”

“That’s fine. It’s probably easier for the teachers a well,” she explained. “Let’s see. Why did you leave your last school?”

“It was for personal reasons,” I informed her, my voice flat. “I no longer felt safe there.”

“Is this something we need to be aware of here?” she asked, her eyes sharpening.

“No,” I replied. “The issue was resolved by my withdrawing.”

“If there is even the most remote possibility that this could cause a disruption here, we need to know what it is.”

I looked at the woman. She obviously was not going to budge from her position, and would not continue the interview unless I told her. Meeting her gaze was, to my surprise, quite easy to do. I had a right to my privacy, and I felt she was intruding on that.

“Nothing said here leaves the room?”

“If it is something that needs to be addressed, then I will discuss it with Dr. Geary, the principal and Dr. Stark, the vice principal,” she said. “Where it goes from there will be dependent on any actions we may need to take.”

“And if there is no need?”

“Then it will stay between us.”

I continued to meet her gaze and said, “If you and my father were having this conversation, you wouldn’t be badgering him for private information. You would take his word for it and that would be the end of it, correct?” When she did not respond immediately, I continued, “I assure you that there is no threat to anyone here at this school. You are asking for information that violates my right to privacy.”

Eyes still locked to mine, she ordered, “Wait here,” and left the room.

She came back a few minutes later accompanied by two men, both in their fifties. Dr. Redfort shut the door, giving us some privacy.

“Pete, this is Dr. Geary, the principal,” one of the men offered his hand, which I shook, “and Dr. Stark, the vice principal and security director.” The other man offered his hand, and I took it as well.

“Pete Patterson,” I said by way of greeting.

“Pete is transferring to our school. He withdrew from his previous school across town because he no longer felt safe there.”

“And as I’ve said,” I interjected, “there is nothing for this school to be concerned with. It was a personal, private matter, and the situation was resolved with me leaving the other school. All I want to do is enroll here so I can attend classes. If this is going to be a problem, then let me know and I’ll leave.”

“Where are your parents, Pete,” the principal asked.

“I’m emancipated.”

Dr. Stark asked, “You weren’t expelled?”

“No.”

“This has nothing to do with gang affiliation?”

“No.”

The man pressed on, “No criminal incidents?”

“No.” My frustration was clearly evident in my tone.

“Well, I see no reason Pete can’t enroll,” Dr. Geary said, interrupting the interrogation. “I trust that you will come to us should the situation change?”

“It won’t. I told you, the issue is resolved.”

Dr. Geary nodded. “Very well. Dr. Redfort, please enroll Pete in classes and have his records sent to my office.” He walked out, followed by the vice principal.

“I apologize for seeming heavy handed, Pete,” Dr. Redfort began.

Despite my anger, I waved her off. “You’re doing your job.”

“Well… let’s get your schedule worked out, shall we?”

“Thank you.”

When we were done, I had the most brutal schedule I had ever seen. First came chemistry, followed by physics, trigonometry, English, history, law and phys ed in that order, with lunch after English.

The bell rang just before I left the office. As I stepped into the hall, I was bowled over by a boy running down the hall. I had enough warning to lower my shoulder and brace myself, but it did not help. We both ended up on the floor.

“Oh my god, are you okay, man?” he asked as he scrambled to his feet.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied, taking the proffered hand.

He bent down and picked up my schedule that had been knocked out of my hand.

“You’re new here?” he asked, glancing at my schedule.

“Yes. I just checked in. I start on Monday.”

“Cool. I’m Crespen Darrow. Call me Cres.” The six-foot teen offered his hand again with a smile.

“Pete Patterson. Good to meet you, Cres.”

“You too, Pete. Are you a senior?” he asked.

“Junior.”

“That’s cool. Can I see your schedule again?”

“Sure.”

He looked at it for a moment.

“The only class we have together is English. Ms. Bacon is really a kick though. She’s really good. You’ll like her.”

“Cres!” a voice called from behind.

“Hey Craig. This is Pete. He just checked in today.”

“How ya’ doing, Pete?” Craig said, shaking my hand.

“Good Craig. Thanks.”

“He’s a junior, too,” Cres informed Craig, and handed him my schedule.

“Cool,” Craig commented after examining the schedule. “We have four classes together: physics, trig, history and phys ed.”

“Great. Maybe I can catch up with you and you can show me around,” I said with a smile.

“You bet. When do you start?”

“Monday.”

“All right,” Craig said, scratching his head. “I’ll meet you here Monday morning at, say, quarter to eight?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Hey, I hate to run, but I’m going to be late,” Cres said, offering his hand one more time. “It was good to run into you,” he said with a lazy smirk.

I chuckled at the obvious pun. “You too, Cres. See you around.”

“Bye.”

“I have to go, too,” Craig said. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

“I’ll be here.”

Craig walked away and the number of people in the common area thinned. A buzzer signaled the beginning of the next class. I walked around the school to find my locker and classrooms, and then called my dad.

“Hi, son. How are things going?” he asked cheerfully.

“Okay. I checked out at school and registered at Pine Crest. I start Monday.”

“Any problems?” Dad inquired.

“They gave me a hard time about why I’m switching, asking questions,” I informed him, “but the principal stepped in and pretty much told them to leave it alone.”

“If they give you any more problems, let me know, and I’ll talk to them.”

“I think I have a handle on it, but thanks, Dad.”

“Sure. What are you going to do now?”

“I thought I’d go to the storage shed and find all the things I’m going to take with me,” I replied.

“Okay. You do that, and I’ll give you a call later.”

“Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, son.”

I spent the next two days getting everything done in preparation for the move. It seemed I never had a free moment the entire time, and then before I could turn around, it was time to move in. I thanked Mr. and Mrs. Tanner the night before since I would not be seeing them the next day. Jared and Rick wished me good luck, and said they would have helped me if they would not have had a test that day. I said I understood and that I would let them know when I was settled in.

Friday morning, Dad and Ray showed up at Jared’s house around nine o’clock. I was ready to go and met them outside. Dad got out of the van and gave me a hug. Ray, however, stayed where he was and would not look at me.

“What’s up with him?” I asked.

“He volunteered, but he’s not thrilled with the conditions I put on it,” my dad said ominously. “He’s not a happy camper.”

“What conditions?”

“Don’t worry about it. Ray and I have an understanding, and that’s all that matters. Are you ready?”

“You bet,” I confirmed emphatically. “I want to get this over with.”

“Okay. We’ll meet you at the storage shed.”

“See you there.”

I stopped by the truck rental facility to pick up the small truck we would be using, and then drove to the storage shed. Dad and Ray had already pulled some of the things we were taking out of the shed and placed them off to the side. As I pulled up, Dad was standing in front of Ray, wagging a finger in his face, obviously chastising him for something. I climbed out, and heard the end of the conversation.

“I mean it, Raymond. Don’t force me, because I will do it if you disobey me.”

Ray glared at me for a moment before he spun on his heel and went back into the shed to retrieve more items that would be going with us.

“What was that all about?” I asked Dad, who was fuming.

“Don’t worry about it, son. I’ll take care of it.”

“Sure,” I said, “Let’s get the stuff in the truck.”

It took us about ninety minutes to get everything loaded. The entire time we were working, Ray kept his silence. His eyes, however, spoke volumes. He did not pass me once without trying to kill me with his eyes. Dad kept speaking to Ray in a quiet voice, which seemed to have no effect other than to make him even more angry. Once we were at the complex, Ray’s agitation seemed to grow with every trip he made. We moved everything in and had the bed set up before the strain on Ray became too much and he broke.

“Fuck this shit!” Ray snapped.

“Raymond, I’m warning you for the last time!” Dad barked back.

“And fuck you, too! This is bullshit!”

“Raymond!”

“Dad, if he has something to say to me, let him say it. Do you have something to say?”

“You’re god damn right I do! You are a fucking lying son of a bitch, you know that? All that bullshit about love and forever, and what happens the first time something goes wrong? You drop him like a fucking bad habit and run away with your tail between your legs!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ray,” I answered calmly.

“No, you’re wrong about that. I know exactly what I’m talking about. I did the same thing to Jared, remember? I got scared and I did exactly what you’re doing!”

“Totally different situation.”

“Bullshit. You got scared because you were going to be outed. I got scared because I thought I was going to lose my family. You got nothing on me. You’re a fucking wuss, Pete. You’re running away from something that may not even happen.”

“You’re wrong, Ray.”

“No, you are! You’re running away from the best fucking thing that ever happened to you because you’re a fucking scared little baby running away from monsters in your closet!”

“No I’m not, Ray!” I shot back. “I know what happens when people who hate get a hold of you! I know what gay bashers can do!”

“Like I don’t? Did you forget who the fuck you’re fucking talking to? Did you forget who those people who birthed me were? I don’t care what you think you’ve been through, lover boy, I know that you haven’t been through anything half as bad as I have!”

“I…”

Ray interrupted me. “You nothing! Have you ever had someone hit you in the head with a baseball bat for the fun of it? Have you ever been raped, asshole? Have you ever been gangbanged? Huh? Fuck you if you think you have anything on me! When you go through all that, then you get back to me!

“You have no fucking idea what you had! I would kill to have someone like Brian, and you’re throwing him away for nothing! For a possibility! For something you’re imagining, for chrissake! I would kill to have someone like Brian, whether he’s out or not!”

“You don’t have a god damn clue what I’ve been through!”

“If I can live with what I’ve been through, knowing what I know, then you can fucking live with being out!”

“Fuck off, Ray! You don’t know shit!”

“Yeah. I don’t know shit. Right.” The look of utter disgust on Ray’s face rocked me on my heels. “I can’t believe I ever thought Brian wasn’t good enough for you. He loves you with everything he has, and you shit on him. At least with Brian you know who you’re dealing with. At least Brian faces his problems head on. At least Brian tries to be a better person. You aren’t good enough for him. He’s better off without you, you fucking coward.”

“Fuck you!”

Ray snorted and shook his head. “No, fuck – you. You’re pathetic. I hope you like being alone, ‘cause you’re gonna be alone for a long time. Maybe you’ll come to your senses, but I doubt it. Hope you remember what you gave up, because it was the best thing you’ll ever get. Have a good life, bro,” he said as he walked out, the last word slurred into an insult.

“Fuck you, Ray!” I shouted to his back, but he did not even acknowledge me.

Dad watched Ray go, his face troubled. He met my gaze for a moment, and then he looked away.

“Do you need anything else?” Dad asked quietly.

“No,” I snapped “I have what I need.”

Kevin looked at me again, his eyes narrowed slightly.

“You agree with him, don’t you,” I accused.

“I think Ray brought up some points that you might want to consider.”

“Nothing he said makes a difference,” I insisted. “He doesn’t know anything.”

Dad cleared his throat. “You might want to think about that, son.”

I said, “You know what? Just get out. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Fine. Call me sometime. I love you, son.” Dad walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind him.

I wanted to scream with frustration. Who were they to judge me? Why were they taking Brian’s side in the first place? He was the one who had betrayed me. Why could they not see that? And Ray, going off on me like that! What an asshole!

The next several hours were spent fuming, unpacking my things, making my bed, and putting things where they belonged. I made a list of furniture, sundries, and supplies I would have to buy as I went, and made plans to get them the next day.

It was midnight by the time I was ready to go to bed. I had finished up just about everything that needed to be done. The remaining tasks could wait. I lay down on the bed and turned out the light, expecting to fall asleep without a problem, but it did not happen. Nothing was right. I should have been home with Brian, not living on my own, not sleeping alone in a strange apartment, not going to a strange school. On the other hand, the whole reason I was in the apartment and not at home was of Brian’s making. I finally fell asleep on a damp pillow.

The next day I spent alone in my apartment. I half expected my dad to call and see how things were going, but the cell phone remained silent. If nothing accentuated how isolated I felt, that did. I spent the first half of the day shopping for what I needed, including getting a computer, and spent the remainder rearranging the apartment, more for something to do as opposed to any practical reason. When night came, I fixed myself some pasta for dinner and sat in front of the computer, doing anything I could to avoid thinking about Brian and how furious I was with him.

Sunday was spent much the same way as Saturday, listening to music and finishing up the last of the unpacking and arranging, but by four o’clock, the silent treatment I was receiving got to me. I realized that I owed my dad an apology for the way I had acted. Dad was the only understanding person I had in this whole ordeal, and I could not afford to alienate him. Swallowing my pride, I picked up the phone and dialed the number to the farm house.

“Hello?”

Brian answered the phone. I froze.

“Hello?”

“K… Kevin please.” It took me two attempts to get out the words.

“One moment, please,” Brian replied in a normal voice, as though he did not recognize it was me. The receiver on the other end was placed on the table. His indifference stoked my fury even more.

Dad picked up the phone a few moments later.

“Hi, son. How are you doing?”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you on Friday,” I said with no preamble. “I was angry.”

“No, really?”

“Dad….”

“Pete, I know you’re angry. I know what Ray said to you didn’t help, but please remember we all care about you, regardless of what is said. Ray wouldn’t be so angry with you if he didn’t care.”

“I could do with less of his care, then,” I responded petulantly. Dad did not respond. “Do you really think I’m that far off base?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Pete,” Dad replied. “You’re the one who has to live your life. If you feel you have to move on, then that’s what you need to do. I’ll be here for you no matter what you decide in the long run, son. Don’t worry about that.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I pointed out.

“Yes, I did, but it wasn’t the answer you were listening for. The only thing I want from you right now is for you to tell Brian what’s going on. Tell him you don’t want to be with him.

“Dad…”

“You owe him that much, Pete. You know you do.”

I sighed deeply. Talking to Brian was not high on my list of priorities.

“Pete….”

“All right. I’ll call him later.”

“You’re on the phone right now. He’s down stairs. Get it over with.”

I thought about it for a few seconds before agreeing. It was better to get it over with instead of having it hanging over my head.

“All right. Put him on.”

“I’ll get him. Stay on the line.”

It took longer than I expected for Brian to pick up the phone, and the delay increased both my anxiety and my impatience to complete the call. When he finally did pick up, I wasted no time.

“Hello?”

“It’s over, Brian.”

After a short pause, Brian said so softly I had to strain to hear him, “I know. I was wondering when you’d call.

“I understand,” he continued, his voice still on the edge of inaudibility.

His quiet response and lack of emotion, was not what I expected from him. I was certain he would be begging me to stay with him, and now he was simply accepting what I was saying. His docility redoubled my anger.

“Why did you do it, Brian?” I demanded loudly. “After I specifically asked you not to, why did you do it?”

He sighed. “I saw someone who needed my help and I acted on it. I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way.”

“But it did,” I shouted into the phone.

His voice was level and calm as he replied, “I know it did, and I’m sorry. Pete, if you believe anything, you have to know I never meant to hurt you.”

“Bullshit! How can you say that?” I barked at him. “It was a deliberate act! You took my life away from me!”

“If I could change it, I would,” Brian said. His calm in the face of my fury was unnerving and maddening.

“You can’t!” I grated, the full weight of my anger filling each word.

Brian simply replied in his quiet voice, “I know.”

I tried to calm myself for a moment, and was marginally successful. It was really and truly over between us. I had nothing more to give to him, and I did not want anything from him.

I said, “Looks like we don’t have anything else to say to each other, then,” in a brutal, cold voice.

A note of panic finally entered Brian’s voice as he spouted, “Pete, I love you!”

The very idea was patently false. With a snort I said, “No you don’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Goodbye, Brian.”

I slammed the phone down and stared at it for I do not know how long. Finally, I turned around and ran to my room, curled up in a ball on the bed, and cried.