Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Twelve

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The clock told me it was nearly midnight when I arrived back at the house.  A light in the family room meant someone was waiting up for me.  I didn’t really want to talk to either Kevin or my mother, but there was no way I could avoid it at this stage of the game.  In the eight hours I’d been away from home, I’d spent about half of them running, and the other half holed up in the fifth-wheel thinking.  It seemed like the only good thing that had come out of the week was that no one was going to sue me.

I’d tried to call Chris Forn, but he hadn’t been home and I ended up talking to his mom for a while.  Kathlene had asked after everyone, and I answered her as best I could.  I told her about my Dad’s promotion and training in Florida, and how much we missed him.  I couldn’t bring myself to mention that Pete and I were no longer together.  It still didn’t seem possible to me that in little more than a week, the love that we had shared had been destroyed.  What made it worse was that I had destroyed it. 

Tears were falling down my cheeks as I stood in front of the house, delaying my entry and the arguments that were sure to come.  Taking a deep breath, I stepped up onto the porch.  The light coming through the door windows was eclipsed by a body coming forward to let me in.

I stood my ground as the door swung inward, expecting my mother to be waiting with a blistering rebuke or Kevin to bark at me for worrying everyone for no good reason, but they were not there.  A hand reached out and pulled me inside by the back of the head, ensnaring me in a fierce embrace.  Jason hugged me tightly for several moments before releasing me.  His eyes were sad, and matched his quiet voice.

“I’m sorry, Brian.”

“Me too, Jason.  It’s all…”

“If you’re going to say this is your fault, don’t,” Jason commanded, and then continued in a softer voice, “You didn’t do anything except defend someone else and then yourself.  Pete made his choice.  I hate it, too, but that’s what happened.”

“Maybe.”

He put his arm around my shoulder again.  “Come on.  Dad and your mom want to talk to you.”

“I don’t feel up to it, Jase.”

“I don’t think you have much of a choice, Bri.”

Mom and Kevin were sitting on the couch watching some show on the television.  When I came into view, Kevin switched off the set and both adults watched me, waiting.  I could see my mother struggling to maintain her calm and not launch into a lecture.  I didn’t feel like I owed them an explanation, so I didn’t give them one.

“I went for a run, maybe ten or twelve miles, went into the fifth-wheel for a while to think, and then I came back here.”

Mom opened her mouth to say something and closed it again.  Kevin merely looked on, continuing to wait.

I sighed.  “Pete and I are no longer together.  He called earlier and said it was over, so I guess that’s it.  It doesn’t change the fact I’m out, though, so I still have school to deal with tomorrow.  I’m going to rinse off and go to bed.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

I turned toward my room and hesitated, remembering that I would be alone.  Somehow I managed to start forward, only to be stopped by my mom’s words.

“Brian?  I’m sorry, sweetheart.  I know how much you loved him.”  Her voice said she was sincere.

Without turning, I replied, “Love him.  I still love him, Mom.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

I heard her rise from the couch and walk up behind me, and then she stood before me.  She ran her hand through my hair and then pulled me down to kiss me on the forehead.

“If there’s anything I can do, sweetheart, just ask, okay?”

I half smiled.  “Thanks, Mom.  I’ll be okay.  I’ve been preparing for this since Tuesday, but it still hit me pretty hard.  It’ll take a couple of days to adjust.”

“You know where I am.”

“Yeah.”

She kissed me again and then went upstairs.  Kevin, who had watched the entire exchange, peered at me from his place on the couch.  I met his gaze without anxiety.  I knew he would say what was on his mind when he was ready.  Jason kneaded my shoulders for a moment before retreating to his own bedroom, leaving his father and me alone.  Kevin didn’t wait much longer before he rose as well, and he stopped in front of me, his eyes meeting mine.

“Brian, I know how you sometimes think in situations like this, so take what I’m going to say in the spirit with which it’s intended.”

He raised his hands and rested them on my shoulders.  “You’re a good kid, with a good heart.  If James Kuhns needed help and you gave it to him, then I’m proud of you for doing just that.  You didn’t do anything wrong, son.  What’s happened between you and Pete, it’s not your fault, and I want you to know that.  You aren’t to blame.”

“Then who?” I asked simply.  “Someone has to be.”

“The people who are really to blame are the same people who hurt him so badly to start with: his biological parents, Curt, and all those others who gave him a reason to be afraid of who he is.”

“I guess you’re right,” I sighed.  “It doesn’t make me feel any better though.”

“I don’t want you blaming yourself for something you had no control over, Brian.”

“I’ll try not to, Kevin.  Thanks.”

He squeezed my shoulders.  “Get some sleep, son.  School tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and what fun that will be.”

“If you have any problems…”

“I’ll go to Mr. Johnson.  I know.”

“Good.  G’night, son.  I love you.”

“Night Kevin.  Love you, too.”

“Oh, Terry called,” Kevin remembered.  “I told him you weren’t in.  He said he’d see you tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks,” I replied, and then I was alone.

The ring Pete had given me had not left my hand since had I received it from him.  Even in the time we had been separated I had worn it as a symbol of the hope I had that somehow we would be reunited.  Now I knew that would not be possible.  Pete was gone, and he would not be returning.

I looked once again to the ring on my left hand, and removed it to peer at the inscription, You’re good enough for me.

A bitter twist of mind made me ask myself, Was he good enough for me?

Striding to my dresser, I opened the sock drawer and dropped the silvery ring in.  It hit the bottom with a hollow thunk, and I shut the drawer firmly, a door closed on the past.

After showering, I spent most of the night wide awake, getting what I estimated to be three hours sleep.  I would have run to school, but Kevin and my mother wanted to take me and talk to the administration before sending me back to class.  I didn’t think it was necessary, and I had told her so.  She wasn’t amused.

Ray sat next to me in the back seat on the way to school.  His reports from the previous week were encouraging.  People were talking about the fight and about the revelation of my sexuality, but for the most part, people seemed to take it in stride.  He did tell me that he had overheard some phobic people, as well as people who were disturbed that someone who seemed so straight could be gay.  It was about what I had expected.

I insisted on going in first – and alone –  in case something was going to happen.  I wouldn’t allow Mom or Kevin to argue me out of it, either.  I didn’t want them in the way if somebody was going to do something stupid.

When I walked in the door, nothing changed.  Kevin, Mom and Ray came in a few seconds later, and then people’s heads turned.  When Ray shouldered past me I began moving again, walking toward the office.  People were starting to stare at me and pass whispered comments to each other.  Watching faces as I went on, I tried to ascertain the mood of most of the people I knew.  Again, some would meet my gaze, and others wouldn’t.  I would find out who they were soon enough.

Mr. Johnson was standing at the corner in the hall as usual.  He had noticed something unusual as I approached, and turned just at I got to him.

“Good Morning, Mr. Kellam,” he said with a slight smile.

“Morning, Mr. Johnson,” I replied, returning the greeting.

The vice principal offered his hand and asked, “Mr. Patterson, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Kevin took it and answered, “I am Mr. Kellam’s guardian ad litem, Mr. Johnson.  I am also the father of another student here that could face a similar situation, and I want to ensure that he and Mr. Kellam will be safe returning to school here.”

“Certainly; I understand.  Shall we meet with Dr. Sumner then?”

“Please, if it’s convenient.”

“She cleared her calendar for you.  If you’ll follow me please.  Mrs. Kellam.”

As Mr. Johnson led us across the short distance to the office, I asked Kevin, “Do I have to be here for this?”

“Absolutely,” he answered sternly.  “You aren’t walking out of here until I’m certain you’re coming home in one piece.”

“Kevin, come on,” I protested impatiently.  “It’s not that bad.  Ray’s already out there.”

“Yes he is, but he isn’t out, either.”

“But…”

“Brian, this is one time I’m putting my foot down, so drop it.”

Mr. Johnson, who had been observing our exchange, cleared his throat.  “It might be better if Brian were to wait in my office until he’s needed.”

Kevin looked at me and nodded sharply. “You’re probably right.  Like he said, he doesn’t need to be there for this.”

“Thanks, Kevin,” I retorted petulantly.

“If you’re going to act like a kid, I’ll treat you like one,” Kevin reposted as he walked away.

“I’ll get him settled and be back in a moment,” Mr. Johnson said after making sure we were done arguing.  As he led me to his office, he said, “He’s worried about you, Brian.  If you were my son, I’d be worried, too.”

“It’s not like someone’s out to kill me.”

The man asked, “Remember what happened last year?  The knife and the gun?”

“Different situation,” I said, negating his point.

“Not so different.  You were in a fight with some popular people and you put them down.  Are you going to tell me that none of their friends are capable of getting a weapon?”

“What are you going to do to protect me after school is over?”

He sighed.  “We can’t do anything once you leave the grounds.  You know that.”

“So what will stop them from getting a gun or knife and attacking me once I take a step off of school property?”

The man looked at me helplessly.  “We’re doing the best we can, Brian.”

“I know,” I replied with a sigh.  “I don’t see what the big deal is, though.  You just said it: you do what you can here, so it should be safer here than out there, like when I walk home or run.  There’s less of a chance they’ll try to hurt me here than anywhere else.”

“Perhaps.  Brian, I understand your frustration, and I think part of it comes from your eagerness to face what is ahead, but please be patient while I meet with Mr. Patterson and your mother.”

“I just want to get on with my life.”

“I know,” Mr. Johnson commiserated.  “We’ll be done as soon as we can and get you back in class.  Oh, did you finish your assignments?”

“Yes.”

“Dr. Sumner decided they would count toward your grade since you were acting to defend a fellow student.”

“Tell her thank you, please.”

“I will.  Relax for a little bit.”

I sat back in the chair, closed my eyes, and somehow managed to doze.

Footsteps behind me brought me back to consciousness.  Mr. Johnson sat at his desk, and Kevin and Mom followed him in.  I stood up to give my mom a place to sit, but she waved me off.  I looked at Kevin.

“You’re going back to class, but there are a few extra responsibilities you’ll have to take on to help the school help you.”

“Let me guess.”

“No, I’ll just tell you,” Kevin said, mildly annoyed.  “If anyone gives you a hard time, you’re to tell a faculty member right away.  The only way the school can enforce its sexual harassment policy is to be aware when the harassment occurs.”

“Sexual harassment?”

“Someone getting on you because you are gay is a form of sexual harassment.”

“We view it as a form of discrimination, and a violation of our anti-discrimination policy,” Mr. Johnson informed me.  “It’s a fine line.”

“The other thing is going to be harder, Brian.” Kevin said sternly.  “If someone comes up to you and tries to pick a fight, you need to walk away.”

“I’m not backing down,” I stated.  “I won’t let them tell me how I can live my life.”

“And you wouldn’t be,” my foster dad reasoned.  “You’d be choosing to leave them standing there looking stupid.”

“I won’t be intimidated by them!”

“This is getting us nowhere,” my mother broke in.  “Let’s let Brian get to class and we’ll discuss this some more.  Obviously Brian’s feelings must be considered in this, and we all know how he feels.”

“If you’re certain, Mrs. Kellam…” Mr. Johnson prompted, waiting for my mom’s nod.  “Very well.  Brian, get a pass on your way out and go to class.  If anything out of the ordinary occurs, contact me as soon as you can.  The staff is aware of the situation…”

“I don’t want to be treated differently!” I interrupted.  “You’re setting me up for trouble by doing that!  Let me deal with it my way.  I won’t start any fights, and I’ll try to walk away from as many situations as I can, but I will defend myself if I’m attacked.”

“Brian…” Kevin started in a warning tone.

“No.  I won’t be a prisoner.  It’s my choice, and I’ve made up my mind.  I promise to act within the boundaries I’ve just given you, but that’s as far as I’ll go.  No special treatment, nobody watching out for me.  I’m just another kid going to school.”

I looked each person in the eye and was surprised to see Dr. Sumner standing behind me.  I met her eyes as well, and got a small nod in return.  I took that as a positive sign.

“I have to get to class.  Mom, I have to turn in my football equipment before I come home.  I’m not sure how long that’s going to take, and then I’ll run home.”

“Brian, are you sure –”

“Yes, mom, I’m sure.”

She glanced at Kevin, who shrugged.

“Okay.  I’ll see you at home.”

I couldn’t walk away without saying something to Kevin.  I felt bad about the way I had treated him.

“Kevin?”

“Yes, Brian?”

“Thanks for being here.  It means a lot, even if it can’t be like you want it.  I’m sorry.”

He smiled.  “We’ll talk when you get home, sport.  Have a good day.”

I smiled back, and went on my way.

My first period writing class was already silent when I opened the door, working on whatever project had been assigned.  A few people were looking up, lost in thought, and their eyes swung to me.  Mr. Walker, my writing and English teacher, took my pass, and I sat down and began working on the assignment written on the board.  I had five minutes to get started before the bell sounded ending class.  Mr. Walker called me up to his desk as I packed up.

He asked, “How are you doing, Brian?”

“Okay.  Here are the assignments from last week,” I said, handing him a stack of thirty sheets of paper.

“Dr. Sumner and Mr. Johnson spoke to us… 

“Yes, I know,” I interrupted.  “Excuse me, Mr. Walker, I appreciate your intentions, but I don’t want to be treated any different than anyone else.  I’ll deal with any problems that come up.”

I looked behind me and saw people watching, listening in.  It made me angry that I was being obviously singled out .

“Even so, I want you to know that I am available,” he said with a brief smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Walker, but please, don’t make a big deal of this.”

“Very well, Brian.  Thank you for your work.  Have a good day.”

“Thank you.”

When I walked outside, I found Will Beck waiting for me, his expression stormy.  His eyes blazed when I met his gaze, and his lips tightened.  With a sinking feeling, I knew that this meeting would not end as I would have wanted it to.

“Hello, Will,” I opened in a neutral tone.

“Fuck hello,” he growled.  You didn’t tell me.  I thought we were tight.”

“I didn’t tell anyone, Will,” I tried to explain.  “I didn’t know how people would take it.  Not for sure.”

“You should have known I’d be okay with it.  Both you and Patterson should have known.”

“We didn’t.  You don’t know what we’ve been through.”

“And now I never will.  I guess being your friend don’t count for much, does it, Kellam.”

“Will, please….”

“Save it.  We’re done.  Have a good life.”

Beck turned on his heel and walked away from me.  Sighing, I walked on to my math class, very much aware of the eyes directed my way and the low voices that followed in my wake.

At lunch, Jared met me in the cafeteria.  He sat next to me, and we were quickly joined by Tomas, Terry, and Rick Hurst.  Rick was a new addition to the group at our table.  He sat next to Jared and ate quietly while listening to the conversations around him.  Another surprise visitor was Sterling.  He clapped me on the shoulder as he walked by and sat down at our table.

Tomas asked, “Any problems, Brian?”

“More from my mom and Pete’s dad than anything else.”  I continued in a softer voice.  “Beck talked to me after first.”

“What did he say?” Terry asked, obviously concerned.

“He’s angry because we didn’t tell him, and he told me to get lost.  He doesn’t want to talk to me again.”

“Aw, man…” Terry breathed.

“It’s going to happen,” Tomas said.  “Some people won’t accept it, and it doesn’t matter why not.”

“But Will?” Terry asked with disbelief.  “I thought he would hack it.”

“Guess not, Terry,” I said with a shrug.  “I’m expecting more people to say something as they get used to the idea.”

“Don’t you care, Brian?” Sterling asked, his voice a mixture of curiosity and trepidation.  “I think I would be.”

“Honestly, I’m not,” I replied.  “People can think what they want about me as long as they don’t try to interfere with the way I live.  If I want to go out for wrestling, then I’ll do that.  People can say what they want.”

“What if they don’t want to… you know… be on the same team with you, wrestle with you,” he persisted, seemingly embarrassed to ask the question.

“I understand what you’re asking, Sterling, and it’s a fair question.  My answer is I can’t control what they think or feel.  I’m not changing the way I’m doing things or the plans I’ve made…” A grimace came as I thought of Pete.  “Well, as many as I can keep the same, anyway.”

Sterling was now distinctly uncomfortable, resembling nothing of the confident sixteen year old quarterback I knew from the field.  “Uh, I’m sorry, Brian, for, um, you know…”

“Thanks, Sterling,” I answered sincerely.  “I appreciate it.  Just for my peace of mind, we’re okay, right?”  I offered my hand to him.

The young man smiled broadly and shook firmly.

“You bet, Brian.  If there’s anything I can do…”

“You’ve already done it.  Thanks.”

“Don’t forget to count us in,” Tomas reminded me.

“Me too,” Jared said quietly.

“And me,” Rick Hurst added.

“Thanks, Jared.  Thanks, Rick.”

By the end of lunch, I felt much better about my prospects.  For the most part, my cadre of friends was intact.  Only one was missing, and he was not an enemy.  Of course, the boy I loved was not with me, so not everything was right in the world.

As we separated, Jared asked me to hold up a moment.  We walked off to the side a bit, and Rick joined us.  A self-conscious air hung around him, and he cast a furtive glance between Jared and me.  Once we had some amount of privacy, Rick cleared his throat.

“What I, uh, we wanted to say is, um, we’re here for you if you need anything, Brian.”

It took me only a moment to understand what he was saying.  I nodded as if he had told me the sky was blue in an attempt to reassure him his secret would be safe with me.

“It’s nice to know I have a couple of good friends I can count on.  Thanks.  I’ll catch you guys later, okay?”

Throughout the day, only a few people made overtly hostile gestures, and those were limited to quiet insults or glares.  Each teacher had made it a point to speak to me as class ended and I turned in the work from my suspension.  Not all of them mentioned the fight, but all of them reassured me that I could come to them if I needed to.

The last class of the day was the class I dreaded the most: Physical Education.  There were several people in the class that I didn’t like or get along with, such as Eddie Lasko and Jesus Garza.  The usual remedy was to ignore them, and it had been made easier with Pete’s presence as a balancing point.  Whether I could continue to do that would be dependent on their attitude and my ability to keep cool without Pete’s moderating influence.

Coach Sarvino was watching people pour into the locker room as I walked in.  He motioned me over the moment he saw me.

“Brian, Coach Folds asked me to take in your gear today after school.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, coach,” I said with a small smile.  “I know what I did, and I know what the consequences are.  I’m sorry that I caused problems for you.”

“You didn’t cause me any problems, son.  You kept those for yourself,” he said quietly, his expression sad.

Something in his eyes touched me inside, and I felt that I owed him.  I’d find a time to talk to him soon.

 “You better get dressed down.  You don’t want to be late.”

“Sure. Thanks again.”

I walked back to my locker, passing Lasko and Jesus Garza as I did.  Jesus glared at me as I walked by, and Eddie ignored me, which suited me just fine.  I also passed Will Beck, but he didn’t acknowledge my presence.

Our class was held in the weight room.  Eddie and Jesus glared at me the entire time, but I paid them no mind and continued working the station I was on.  When Sarvino sent us to the showers, I continued working for a moment to finish the set I was on.

“Fuckin’ faggot,” Jesus said as he walked past me.

In a loud voice, strained with the lifts I was working on, I responded, “If that’s the best you got, don’t bother.”

“Fuck you, Kellam!” Garza spat back at me.

I responded as I sat up.  “You should get together with Langley if you guys are looking to hook up.  I’m not interested.”

“You motherf….”

“Problem?” asked Coach Sarvino in a dangerously low voice.

“No problems here,” I answered, staring at Jesus.  “I settled mine last Tuesday.  How about you, Jesus?”

He turned on his heel and walked out, followed closely by Eddie.

“Brian, go get your gear and we’ll get it checked in for you as soon as class ends.”

“Okay.”

Walking back through the locker room, I noticed a lot of the guys nervously glancing toward me or outright staring.  Some even went as far as to turn their backs on me or wrap towels around themselves.  Still others stopped undressing.  Making a snap decision, I walked to the center of the locker room where everyone could see me and let out a loud, shrill whistle to get everyone’s attention.  As I spoke, I met the eyes of everyone who would meet mine.

“Okay guys, look.  I’m gay.  Big fucking deal.  You know who I am.  I’m the same person I was last week before you found out.  I wasn’t after your dick then, and I’m not after your dick now.  Just treat me the same way you always have, and I’ll do the same.  If you can’t handle that, then that’s fine, but keep your comments and anything else you have in mind to yourself.  Leave me alone, and I’ll leave you alone.”

I turned to go to my locker and almost ran into Coach Sarvino.  He had been standing behind me while I’d made my statement.  He eyed me speculatively for a moment before nodding his head toward my locker.  More people were watching me as I walked than had been before I said anything.  I sighed to myself and wondered how much good my efforts would do.

The bell rang, dismissing class.  As he left, Garza took one last shot at me.

“See you tomorrow, faggot.”

I shook my head and retorted, “You had the last fifteen minutes to think and you couldn’t come up with anything better than before.  I thought you were sharper than that, Jesus.”

He drew himself up and spat, “Fuck you!”

Again I shook my head.  “I told you, I’m not interested.  I think I also told you Langley is looking for a piece.  Go ask him.”

Garza took a step toward me, but Coach Sarvino stepped between us.

“Go home, Garza.  You have no reason to be here, and if I hear you using hate talk like that again, you’ll be talking to Mr. Johnson.  I don’t care who it is you’re talking to either.  Now get.”

“It doesn’t help that he got kicked off the team too,” I said quietly as Jesus walked away.

“They attacked you, Brian.”

“I know.  I just hate to see people ruin their lives because of something I’ve done.”

The man turned to look at me with a frown.  “What did you do?” Mr. Sarvino asked seriously.  “He didn’t have to jump you.  He could have walked away, and he should have.”

“What about me?  I had a pretty good idea what was going to happen when I stepped in.”

His eyes narrowed, and then he asked, “What would have happened if you hadn’t stepped in?”

I shrugged.  “There’s no way to know.  I don’t even know how long they’ve been picking on James.  People used to do the same to me when I was younger.  It’s wrong, and they were getting away with it. All I know is that I’m tired of watching it, and that’s why I did what I did.”

“And now?”

“What about now?  I can’t change what happened, and I’m not going to let them walk all over me.”

Sarvino asked, “But is it wise to provoke them, especially since you’ve already been in one fight?”

“I’ve got to let them know I’m not taking any of their sh– uh, crap.  If they don’t get that, then I’ll be fighting them every day.”

“There’s only a hairline between that and provoking them into a fight.”

“I have to start somewhere.”

He sighed, and then said in a sad tone, “I tried to warn you about what would happen.”

“I know you did.”  I paused for a moment, trying to put what I was thinking in words.  “Everyone always talks about doing what’s right no matter what, but most of the time it’s not that simple.  People are afraid  to do the right thing all the time because they can see what will happen to them if they do, kind of like a kid lying about throwing a baseball through a window.  They think about it too much.

“When I saw them shove James, I stopped thinking about it.  I just acted.  There were too many times that the same thing happened to me for me to ignore it.”

“Why did you say the things you did?” Sarvino inquired.  “You egged them on, goaded them into fighting you.  Why?”

I thought about it for a moment.  “I think… part of it was what had happened in Wyoming, and some of it was my past.  I think I saw myself in James, and decided I would do for him what no one had ever done for me.”

“What’s that?  Step in and protect you?”

“Maybe.  Maybe I took a stand against them, not only for James, but for myself and for what I went through.”  I continued in a softer voice.  “And maybe, in a small way, for Matthew Shepard.”

“His death bothers you that much?”

I nodded.  “More than anyone knows.  Not even Pete… but that doesn’t matter anymore.”

“If you need someone to talk to, I’ll always be available to you, Brian.”  He clapped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed once.

“Thanks, coach.”

“How are people treating you in general?”

“Pretty well.  No one has said anything other than Langley and Garza.  Will Beck is angry with me for not telling him earlier.  He won’t talk to me.  Other than that, it’s been quiet except for my teachers going out of their way to talk to me today.  All I want you to do is treat me the same way you treat everyone else.”

“I’m sure they’ll do the best they are able, Brian.  I know I will.  Now, let’s get your gear checked in so you can get home, and I can get out there and run those guys into the ground.”

It took another ten minutes before we finished, and then Coach Sarvino left for practice.  I debated on sticking around to watch for a bit, but decided in the end that it would only make me angry.  Instead, I ran home in the rain, letting my thoughts drift over the events of the prior weeks.  It was a cold comfort, but after thinking about what had happened and what I had done in response to those events, I concluded that, even though the personal cost had been so very high, I had done the best I could given who I was.

With those thoughts in mind, the soaking I received from the pouring rain left me feeling cleansed by the time I got home.