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Kevin picked me up for a visit with my counselor at noon. Will’s office was on the grounds of the Oregon State Health University in Portland. I’d been going to him off and on since I’d moved to Portland almost a year earlier. He had helped me work through a lot of the trauma that resulted from Pete’s departure from my life at age twelve. On that day, however, I felt relieved, almost jubilant, except for the fact that my actions had potentially cost me my relationship with my boyfriend. I wondered idly when the harsh reality of that statement would hit me.
Will greeted me at the door with a firm hand shake and let me choose my seat as always. For a change, I chose one closer to the center of the room instead of the corner chair I customarily used. This drew a raised eyebrow from my counselor, which I immediately questioned him about.
“What, Will? Why so surprised?”
“This is the first time you’ve chosen to sit anywhere besides the corner, Brian, and after such momentous events in your life,” he remarked casually, taking the seat across from me. “I would have thought you would be feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment.”
I thought about it for a moment before slowly answering, “No, not vulnerable. Relieved, maybe? The only thing I regret is hurting Pete.”
“How did you hurt him?” Will asked curiously.
“He asked me several times not to put myself in a position where I would out myself and force him to make a choice between coming out and being with me. I outed myself, so I guess he’s made his choice.” I shrugged and looked away.
“And that doesn’t hurt you?”
“Of course it does,” I sighed, “but it’s my fault for putting us in the situation in the first place.”
Will asked, “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
I watched Will for a reaction as I explained the events leading up to the fight and watching Pete walk away from me afterwards. The man’s expression did not change appreciably while I related what had occurred, but when I finished, his face revealed concern.
“Brian, what does being out mean to you? How will it affect your life?”
“I’m going to try and live my life as normally as possible.”
“Then you’ve truly accepted that Pete’s not coming back?”
“I…”
Will crisply interrupted, “You just told me he has to make a choice between being out and being with you, and he doesn’t want to be out, right? If you’re going to be out, there’s really no way for him to be with you without coming out too, is there?”
“I don’t...”
Again he interrupted, “Okay, let’s assume he’s not coming back then. You’ll be alone. What are you going to do?”
“The best I can, and I won’t be alone,” I replied angrily. “I still have my mom and dad, my sister, Jason, Ray, Kevin... I still have other people I can rely on.”
“Oh you do, do you?”
“Yes, I do!” I thundered.
Will sat back in his seat and spoke softly. “Do you realize that this is the first time you’ve said anything about being able to rely on your mom, or anyone other than Pete, for that matter? You’ve mentioned Kevin and Jason on occasion, but not in this manner.”
I glared at the man.
“And another thing I might note, Brian. Did you notice that you didn’t once say that you could deal with it or handle it on your own, without anyone else?”
“I could.” I answered petulantly.
“But why do that if you don’t have to? You have people who are willing to help you in this trying time. Let them take some of the pressure.”
I made no comment, instead staring at the floor between us.
“Tell me about being out, Brian?”
We spoke for the remainder of the hour. I felt a little less relaxed than I had going in, but Will had reminded me I had a lot to think about, and a lot to come to terms with. I knew I needed to talk to my mom some more, and give her an idea of where I was at, and Kevin too, since I was going to need his support. I’d also need to talk to Pete to hear what he had decided, even though I had pretty much worked it out in my head.
At the house, I went into my room to drop off my jacket and received a shock. The rest of Pete’s things were gone. On the computer screen was a message. It said:
I promised your family you could stay here, and you can. Kevin knows how to contact me if necessary.
I’m leaving the computer here. I’ll get another one.
There was nothing else. No name, no good-bye, no sign of care or love, nothing. I sat on the bed and stared at the empty spaces around the room. At least my conjecture had been confirmed, and I wouldn’t have to wonder any more.
I stood slowly and closed the door to my room, and then sat back down to stare at the screen some more. He was really gone. After everything we had been through, after the separation and the abuse, the struggles and the fights, after the promises in the night, Pete had left me.
I searched inside for any emotions and came up empty. It wasn’t shock; it was more of a numbness. I had been expecting that moment to come since I’d seen Pete walk away, and now that it had finally arrived, I wasn’t certain how to feel the emotions I expected. A resolve formed in my gut, the same resolve I had felt earlier. Pete had to do what he had to do to live his life. I had to do the same to live mine. There would be time to cry later when the sadness hit. For now, I was okay.
A knock sounded at the door.
“Yeah?”
“It’s Kevin.”
“Come in.”
The door opened hesitantly, and I motioned the man to sit down. He took in the empty spaces around the room as he sat on the desk chair.
“You knew?” I asked without inflection.
“Yes.”
“Oh. He doesn’t want to see me.”
“No, Brian,” Kevin sighed. “He doesn’t want to see you.”
“And this is his way of telling me to fuck off, I suppose,” I said softly, indicating the screen.
Kevin read the note and then looked back at me. I continued looking around the room, not meeting his eyes.
“Brian, you have to understand…”
“I understand, Kevin,” I replied earnestly. “I understand why he can’t stay. I understand that it’s because of me and what I did. I understand that he must hate me for it.”
“Brian, he doesn’t hate you…”
“Have you asked him?”
“Well, no, not in those words…”
“Ask him. Make sure you tell him that I understand. I miss him, I love him, and I understand.”
Kevin paused as he weighted my words. “What are you going to do, Brian?”
“I’m going to live, Kevin. I’m going to do what I have to, just like Pete is, even if he has to do it somewhere else….”
Kevin moved to sit by me and hugged me tightly. I fought off the tears that threatened to come and endured his embrace until a stray thought of my own father destroyed the armor that I had erected to protect me until I could grieve alone. Kevin sat with me until the tears were dry and my breathing had returned to normal.
“Brian,” Kevin said as I wound down, “You know that you don’t have to deal with this all on your own, right?”
“Hmph. Will said the same thing.”
“Will is a wise man,” he agreed.
“Kevin?” I asked meekly.
“Yes?”
“Where are you in all of this?”
He gently asked, “What do you mean, son?”
His use of the title did not pass unnoticed. “Well, Pete is your son, you know? Shouldn’t you be taking his side?”
“I thought we covered this, Brian.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Brian, I love you. I love Pete. Right now, you two have your differences, and you’re dealing with them.”
“But I hurt him.”
“So? It happens, and that is an unfortunate fact of life. Even if you two don’t get back together, and I’m not betting on that, I’ll still be your friend, and you can still come to me if you need anything. In any case, I gave your dad my word that I’d look after you, and I still would even if he was here.”
I whispered, “Thank you,” and he hugged me tighter for a moment.
“Are you okay? I mean, I know you aren’t, but….”
“I’ll survive,” I sighed as I stood and allowed Kevin to do the same. “I’m not looking forward to redecorating.”
Kevin chuckled. “Somehow that’s the first thing I’d expect to hear from a gay man and the last I’d expect to hear from you, Brian.”
A half-smile crept across my face. “Yeah, well, I’ve been hiding part of who I am from a lot of people. I guess it’s time the rest comes out.”
“Hey… I hope you’re kidding about that.”
“What? About hiding?” Kevin nodded. “Not from you guys. At school and from friends. What you get is the real thing for the most part.”
“For the most part?” he asked curiously?
I stared at him for a moment, debating on what to tell him. I didn’t like being vulnerable to anyone, but since my life was already falling apart, I didn’t think it would make much of a difference.
“Yeah… There are some things I hide, and I think you know what they are. Things like how I’m really feeling about how it’s going here at home, how things are… were going with Pete… How insecure I am…”
“You? Insecure?”
“Kevin…”
“I’m kidding. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. But now, with the way things have turned out with Pete and me, there, I’m not going to be sitting back and waiting for anyone to bring their problems with who I am to me. I’m secure enough with that to stand up for myself.”
“You’ve mentioned that several times in the last two days. What exactly are you planning?”
“I told you. I’m not going to let other people tell me how I can live my life. If they try, then I’ll do what I need to in order to prevent it.”
“Fighting?” Kevin asked suspiciously.
“Only as a last resort. I told Mr. Johnson I’d work with him and the school on this.”
“That will make your mother happy.”
“I hope so. I know she’s not happy about my decision stick up for myself though.”
“She’s proud of your decision, Brian,” Kevin confided, “but she’s scared of the ramifications, and she’s scared you’re going to get hurt.”
I looked at my feet and kicked at an imaginary spot on the floor. “So am I, sometimes.”
Kevin commented, “It’s good to know that you haven’t forgotten you’re human.”
I replied, “I’m well aware of that. If I weren’t, losing Pete wouldn’t hurt this much.”
I glanced back up at him and saw compassion in his expression. He stood up and walked to the door.
“You get yourself settled in, Bri.”
“Thanks. I think… I think I’ll just take a shower and straighten up. It’s not too bad, but…” I sighed.
“If you need or want any help, let me know,” Kevin said softly. “I remember what it was like when Sharon left, not that this is like that….”
“You telling me to get a bottle of Crown Royal?” I asked him, smiling slightly in memory of Kevin’s bender following Sharon’s announcement of her decision to divorce him.
“No – smart ass. Your dad would shoot me.”
“I’d worry about my mom, if I were you.”
“Point taken, counselor.” Kevin walked out of the room and then turned back to me. “Brian… I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m the sorry one. If I’d done as he’d asked…”
“Brian, you have to be yourself. You keep talking about not letting people force you into their idea of what your life should be. I know that I am unaware of most things that you see in school, but defending that boy as you did – that’s the first thing I would expect from you if it were to happen.”
“And doing that is what cost me Pete.”
“Well, we’ll make the best of it that we can. Don’t be afraid to come to me.”
“Thanks.”
He smiled and walked away, leaving the door slightly ajar, and leaving me to figure out how to arrange our room to be my room.
I spent the rest of the week adjusting my life to the fact Pete was no longer going to be in my life. Pete had not made an appearance nor had he called the house in the five days since the fight. Kevin had informed us that Pete had found an apartment and had enrolled in his new school. He’d told us even though we hadn’t inquired, and I was grateful. It seemed inappropriate somehow for me to be ask about him, and Kevin had seen how uncomfortable I was. He was treating me as normally as the situation would allow.
Wednesday afternoon I was surprised by Kevin’s early arrival home. I’d just finished a workout when he walked in the door.
“Get cleaned up and get presentable. We have a meeting in an hour and a half with the Kroghs, the Garzas, Langleys, and their attorneys.”
“What?”
“We’re going to discuss exactly who is going to sue whom and for what,” my foster dad said grimly. “I don’t know if that’s actually what is on the agenda, but when the meeting is at a law office, that’s usually the reason.”
I hurried and did as he asked, having no clue what was going on. Twenty minutes later, I was following Kevin out the door. He talked to me as he drove, telling me that I had to control my temper under all circumstances, and if I felt that I would be unable to do that then I was to walk out of the building, go across the street to a restaurant, and wait for him to call me. In no case was I to open my mouth anyway, so if I followed that particular rule, the first should not be a problem.
We met at an office in downtown Beaverton along the Tualitan Valley Highway. The building was nothing special, sitting across the road from a strip mall. Kevin amended his instructions to have me walk across the street to the pizza joint in the strip mall and stay there until he collected me should it become necessary.
As we pulled in, I was surprised again to see Tomas and Terry waiting in the parking lot.
“Do you know them, Brian?”
“Yeah. They’re cool, or they were yesterday.
We stepped out and they greeted us. “Hey, Brian, Mr. Patterson.”
“Hi, guys,” I said in return. “What are you doing here?”
“We heard about the meeting tonight and thought you might need some support,” Terry said, an edge to his voice.
“Besides, my brother’s inside,” Tomas reminded us. “I made sure my parents understood exactly what happened, Mr. Patterson, but I don’t know what they’re going to do.”
“Thank you… Tomas, isn’t it?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Thank you for being here for Brian.”
“He’d do the same for me.”
“He’d do the same for any of us,” Terry added.
“Quickly now,” Kevin prompted, “Is there anything I should know before I go in there outside of Lee’s threat and Brian’s response?”
They looked at each other and shook their heads.
“Nothing I can think of,” Tomas said with a negating shake of his head.”
“Me either,” said Terry.
“Good. Do me a favor, and Brian, you’ll understand why. If either of you get even a hint of Brian losing it, take him out of the building with you and across the street to the pizza place. I’ll come get you there. It’s very important.”
I didn’t even attempt to defend myself. They nodded.
“Thank you. Come on, Bri, let’s do this.”
Kevin wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me into the building. The receptionist led us directly into a large conference room that was already occupied by three attorneys, three couples and my three attackers. Kevin directed me to sit next to him, directly across from Lee Krogh and his heavily bandaged nose. Tomas sat a few chairs down to the right near his family, and Terry sat on the other side of Kevin.
The attorneys introduced themselves to one another and then got down to business. It was apparent early in the meeting that I didn’t need to be there. Kevin spoke to Terry briefly during a lull in the conversation. My friend clapped my shoulder and motioned me to follow him. I looked back and saw Tomas cast an askance glance toward his parents, and his father nodded slightly. The three of us went to the pizza shop Kevin had pointed out and ordered some food. After getting our drinks, we sat down in a booth.
None of us knew where to start. We glanced at each other, but no one said anything. It was one thing for them to be supportive of me at crunch time, but for them to have come to this meeting, Terry especially, was proof of their friendship, if it was ever needed.
“Guys,” I began, “I, uh, I need to thank you for everything. You didn’t need to be here tonight, and it really shows how much you… well, thanks.”
“Brian,” Terry began with a smirk, “we’re all jocks, okay? Except you, ‘cause you got a brain too. But that doesn’t mean we can’t tell the difference between right and wrong. It also doesn’t mean that I can’t choose my friends.”
Terry’s tone turned serious. “The way people like you get treated is bullshit. Who cares if you like other guys to date or whatever. I know that that I’m not that way. If someone like you was to ask me, though, I’d say, thanks, but I’m not interested. It’s like these people who slam gays think they’re some kind of sub-human or something, but it’s not like that. All they have to do is meet someone and get to know them to know it’s not true.” Terry glanced at me. “Sorry for the lecture.”
“It’s okay,” I started, and was interrupted.
“You’re right, though,” Tomas said to Terry. “That’s the problem with Jesus. He got caught up with the wrong people in middle school. They were down on a lot more than just gays too: whites, blacks, Asians… everything not Latino, you know? My parents have always tried to emphasize acceptance and being accepted, taking pride in who we are, but not going out of our way to shove it in people’s faces, either. He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that tolerance goes both ways.”
“Can I ask a question?” I ventured quietly.
Terry and Tomas both chuckled.
“We should be asking you that, Brian,” Tomas said with a grin.
“Well, I mean, did you guys have any idea before the fight?”
Terry answered, “Not really. You and Pete were close friends. Everyone knew that. Sometimes you two might have gone over the line with what most friends would do, like the longer looks, maybe a hand on the shoulder or something, but never long enough to make anything obvious. And you guys never made any secret about being best friends from before he came to Portland. It all fit in some how.”
“I suspected,” Tomas said flat out. “After you took Brent down last year I started watching you, wondering if you were going to get cocky, a sophomore taking down a senior, but you never did. I found out that you and Pete were together a lot, and you were always talking and usually smiling at each other, and then I found out you were living with him.” I nodded in agreement, and Tomas continued, “And then there was that thing with Jared Tanner getting jumped and you showing up in the middle of it. I knew without a doubt he was gay. The coincidence got to be too much.
“I was ninety percent sure before the fight. I thought it was cool the way you and Pete kept it together and blended in like one of the guys. I thought it was way cool how you handled yourself the whole time you were facing off with Brent’s group, and now, I’m really impressed with the way you’re handling this, Brian.”
“Brent turned out to be okay,” I murmured.
“Because of you, or at least he gives you credit,” Terry interjected. “He thinks you’re some kind of savior or something, Brian.” I snorted. “No, seriously. You know some of that crew got arrested over the summer and are now doing time in Salem? He swears he would have been right there with them if you hadn’t made him look at where he was headed.”
“I didn’t do anything that big, guys. I just told him how it was.”
“And you kept him out of prison, and stop changing the subject,” Tomas said gently. “Look. I’ve looked around and talked to my brothers and their friends. You know what they say about high school? They wish they had paid more attention and made some real friends before they left instead of worrying about all the adolescent bull crap. This is my last year, Brian, and that’s what I’m doing. Like it or not, Kellam, you’re one of them. I haven’t quite got you figured out, but I figure I will over the next fifty years or so.”
I looked at Terry, who nodded decisively. “What he said, only not so flowery.”
I sat back in my seat, frowning at my ice water. I hadn’t realized that while I had been palling around and playing ball with Tomas and Terry that I was fostering a friendship that went beyond the game. They were both seniors, a full two years older than I was. It was surprising to me.
“Brian, I know guys don’t talk about this stuff, but, it’s like, if we don’t we’ll never know where we stand, you know?” asked Terry.
“Terry and me, we’re solid,” Tomas said softly when I didn’t respond. “We have been for years now. What we’re saying is we’d like to be solid with you, too. And Pete.”
“I don’t know if he’s coming back.”
Terry and Tomas shared a quick glance, then Tomas said, “Whether he does or not, we’re here for you.”
He held out his fist, followed quickly by Terry. I extended mine and knocked them. Only the arrival of our food allowed me to hide the moisture in my eyes
The conversation had been sketchy as we raced to see who could put down the most pizza in a short amount of time. Kevin arrived as we finished off the last of the pie. He sat next to me.
“How’s it going guys?”
“Going all right,” I said, almost choking on my last bite. A quick sip of water cleared my throat for more speech. “Terry and Tomas were telling me how things stand from their viewpoint.”
“And…” Kevin prompted.
“Good. It’s all good,” Tomas answered.
“Thank God for that,” the man said with feeling. “And thank you again for being here for Brian.”
“Friends do. Remember?” Terry asked with a grin.
“Yes, I do. Well, we have to get going. Tomas, your dad said he expects you home tonight.”
“I’ll be there. Thank you, Mr. Patterson.”
“Sure. Come on, Brian. We need to get home before your mom has a cow.”
I chuckled at the visual, and then thanked Terry and Tomas again and said I’d talk to them on the next Monday when I came back to school. They said they’d call me Saturday night or Sunday and give me any updates they might have, including how the team did, if I was interested. In less than an hour we were on our way back home.
On Thursday afternoon the school resource police officer, Officer Greg Larsson, stopped by the house and took my statement. We talked awhile about what the limits of self defense were and what constituted a threat, especially in terms of hate speech. He also asked me to drop by and see him any time I had a question. When he left, I felt like I had another friend at school.
I suppose that one could say I was handling things as well as could be expected. I still had bouts of crying now and then, and felt guilty all the time. I had taken to working out for a couple hours every day and running when I felt especially bad, which was pretty much all the time. Mom was panicky that I was slipping back into old habits, but I assured her I was not. I was simply trying to find a routine that would take up the time I was used to spending on football and with Pete. Jason and Kevin watched me carefully as well. All I could do is shrug and make sure I was doing exactly what I said until they believed me.
Day six, the Sunday before I returned to school was rough. The phone rang sometime around four that afternoon. I was getting some orange juice after just having finished a long run and picked it up since I was close.
“Hello?” A silence drug out on the other side, but I could hear music in the background. “Hello?”
“Kevin, please,” requested a strangled voice.
It was Pete. I swallowed every immediate response that came up and forced myself to calmly answer, “One moment, please,” as though he were any other person.
I set down the receiver and found Kevin sitting in his office. He looked up as I crossed the threshold. His face shifted from greeting to concern as he took in my expression. I started to speak, but it caught in my throat. Swallowing helped a little bit.
I managed to say in a low, husky voice, “It’s Pete. He asked for you.”
“Are you okay, Brian?” Kevin asked gently with real concern.
“I have to be. Don’t worry. I’ll survive.”
“We’ll talk later if you want,” my second father offered.
“We’ll see,” I replied, shrugging.
Kevin smiled sadly and nodded, picking up the phone. I turned and went back downstairs, careful to hang up the receiver as quietly as possible. I sat at the table and picked up the comics to distract myself, but all I did was look through the paper into the space beyond.
How long would it really take for me to come to terms with the end of our relationship? That’s exactly what this was. The only thing I was waiting for was Pete to say the words.
Some time later, Kevin came into the kitchen. I put down the paper and looked at him expectantly.
“He wants to talk to you.”
“Oh. I was just thinking about that, wondering how long it would take for him to tell me. At least I won’t have to worry about it when I go back to school.”
“How do you know that’s why he called?”
“It’s been a week. No communication. He told me he’d have to make a choice if I did something to out myself. He left. He made his choice, Kevin.”
Kevin said nothing, just watching me. I sat at the table and stared at my hands for a moment. I wanted to get this over with in the worst way, but if this was it, then hope died with this phone call too. Kevin cleared his throat and pointed to the receiver. I picked it up with a sigh.
“Hello?”
Without hesitation, Pete said, “It’s over, Brian.”
I swallowed and said softly, “I know. I was wondering when you’d call.”
“I can’t be there after you outed us,” he continued, his words an accusation. “It’s too dangerous.”
“I understand,” I replied, my voice still soft.
“Why did you do it Brian?” Pete asked, his tone harsh and unyielding. “After I asked you not to, why did you do it?”
“Because I saw someone who needed my help, and I acted on it,” I replied with a sigh. “I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way.”
“But it did!”
“I know it did, and I’m sorry. Pete, if you believe anything, you have to know I never meant to hurt you.”
“Bullshit! How can you say that?” Pete raged. “It was a deliberate! You took my life away from me!”
“If I could change it, I would,” I said sincerely.
“You can’t!”
“I know.”
Pete stated, “Looks like we don’t have anything else to say to each other, then,” with a note of finality.
Before he could hang up, I blurted, “Pete, I love you!”
He snorted. “No you don’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Goodbye, Brian.”
The receiver slammed down on the other end. I gently hung the receiver on its cradle, and stared at it for a moment before I heard Kevin’s voice behind me.
“Brian?”
“I’m going for a run, Kevin. I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”
“You just got back,” he protested.
I shrugged. “I feel like I need to go out again.”
As I opened the door, Kevin asked, “What did Pete say?”
“He said goodbye.”
An answering silence lasted until I was outside. As I ran down the driveway to the road, one thought dominated my mind: at least the waiting was over.