Brian and Pete: The Power Within

Chapter Nine

Fall Out

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“Mr. Scoggins!  You will not use that word or any word like it in this school!” barked the incensed vice principal.

“Why not?” Blake insisted.  “It’s the truth, ain’t it, Kellam?”

I wasn’t really listening to either of them, still staring at the retreating form of my boyfriend.  He did not look back once before he disappeared around the corner.  Something inside wrenched as I lost sight of him.  I felt defeated.  Even though I had won this battle, I had lost the war by fighting it.  I slumped, emotionally collapsing inwardly.  Tomas and Terry caught me under my arms as though they thought I was going to fall.

“Mr. Kellam, are you all right?”

I looked up at Mr. Johnson, finally seeing him clearly, and became aware of my surroundings.  A low muttering surrounded us.  I stood up straight, gently shaking Terry and Tomas off, letting them know I was under my own power.  Mr. Johnson’s eyes were hard, but showed concern.  I looked at the people around us; some of them curious, some of them disbelieving, some of them angry, and some of them seemingly unconcerned.

“Are you or aren’t you, Kellam?” Blake Scoggins demanded.

I turned my body to face him and met his glare.

“If I am or if I’m not, what business is it of yours?” I asked Blake angrily.

“I have a right to know if I’m taking a shower with a fag!” he spat back.

“That’s enough!” bellowed Mr. Johnson.  “Both of you to the office, now!  Mr. Kellam, I will see you first.  The rest of you go on about your business.”

“We’ll make sure he gets there, Mr. Johnson,” Tomas said in a low voice. 

Mr. Johnson nodded sharply, his eyes softening.  Tomas and Terry guided me away from the crowd. 

When we were out of earshot, Terry asked,  “Are you?”

I answered without emotion.  “Yeah.  Problem?”

“No.”

“Me either,” Tomas added.

Both squeezed my shoulders in support.

“Thank you,” I whispered in reply.

“Any time, Brian,” Tomas answered.  “If you need anything, call, okay?  Anytime, day or night.  I’ll do whatever I can.”

“Me too,” said Terry.  “Do your parents know?”

“Yes.”

“What about Pete?” asked Tomas.

What about Pete, indeed.  Anything I said would either be a lie or out him, so I shrugged and said nothing.  Thankfully, neither friend pressed the issue.

When we arrived at the office, Tomas told the attendant why we were there and she let us in to Mr. Johnson’s office to wait.  Tomas and Terry stayed with me, providing what support they could while I sat in a chair trying to absorb what had just happened.  I didn’t remember doing it.

“I don’t remember saying anything,” I said aloud to no one in particular.

Terry sighed.  “I heard you.  Half the school heard you, Brian.”

“So right about now the school knows that I’m gay.  Or at least suspects it.”

“Probably.”

I sat quietly for a moment longer and then said, “We thought about coming out, but this isn’t how we pictured it.”

“You and Pete?” Tomas asked quietly.

I looked up at him, eyes wide, and then at Terry before closing my eyes and slumping back and banging my head hard against the wall.

“He doesn’t want anyone to know,” I said in a low voice.  “He doesn’t want to come out.  He asked me not to… to do anything that would out us.”

“Mr. Garza, Mr. Green, you may go now,” said Mr. Johnson as he entered.  “Thank you for your assistance.”

“Can they stay, please, Mr. Johnson?” I pleaded.  “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Are you certain?”

“Yes.  They know.”

“Very well.  Take a seat, gentlemen.”  As Terry and Tomas did so, Mr. Johnson continued, “Brian, you know I have to suspend you for a week, and you know that you’ll be removed from the football team as well, correct?”

“I know,” I replied meekly.  “I was only defending myself.”

“So you said.  Others have a different story.”

“I have never lied to you,” I insisted, becoming angry.  “I jumped in to stop them from pushing James around.  They then attacked me.”

“After you provoked them.”

“So I jump in to prevent them from assaulting another student, and I’m the one who is at fault?”

“Because you provoked them, yes,” the man said with an edge.

“And it doesn’t matter that they’ve been provoking me since last Friday?”

“No, it does not.  Mr. Kellam, you were in a fight.  There is a mandatory five-day suspension for fighting in school.  I’m not going to argue with you any further.  I will call your mother to pick you up.  Mr. Green, Mr. Garza, return to class.”

Terry and Tomas each squeezed my shoulder as they left.  I sat back in my chair and brooded, ignoring Mr. Johnson, trying to work out what I was going to say to Pete.  What could I say to him?  I had outed myself, and it was very possible that I’d outed him by association.  I knew that his reaction would not be good by any stretch of the imagination, and then there was my mother to deal with as well.  I was not looking forward to either confrontation.

Mr. Johnson returned and sat behind his desk.  I knew I was in the wrong, and I had to say something to the man.  I tried to meet his eyes as I spoke to him.

“Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry.  You’re right.  I let my anger get the best of me again.  This Matthew Shepard thing… it really bothers me.  Krogh and Langley have been using it to rile me up since we first heard about it.  And when Krogh said he was going to get me like they got Shepard, I took it literally – like he was threatening my life.  I know it’s not an excuse, but it might help explain some of it.”

He met my gaze until I had to drop my eyes.

“Brian, part of our job is to teach you the rule of law and the bounds of proper behavior in our society.  The police could charge all of you with assault and battery.  The district could expel you.”

“I know.”

“It’s also part of our job to protect you and the other students from this kind of thing.  I recognize that we failed to do that today for James Kuhns.  You were there to make up for that, and for that, I thank you, and I will mention it to Dr. Sumner.  When you told me last summer that you might be coming out, I told you we would do more to prepare for having an openly gay student on campus.  I’m ashamed to say that we did not do that.  There were too many other things that took precedence.”

“I’m not the only one, Mr. Johnson.  There’s Jared Tanner, too.  He was outed last year, and I suspect at least three more, besides Pete, are gay but not out.”

“I’ll talk to Dr. Sumner about that as well.”

“There is one other thing, Mr. Johnson.  This is going to be ugly.  Those guys I just fought with?  They have friends.  They’re not going to like it that a fag beat them up,” he frowned at the use of the word, “so they’re going to come after me again.  How are you going to want me to handle it?  I’m not going to let them beat me up; I will defend myself.”

“That is something we’re going to have to deal with as time goes on, Brian.  While you’re out on suspension, we’ll have an assembly to discuss what happened.  Some parents will be unhappy about it, but it’s important.  What happened today reiterates that.  So, thank you again, I suppose.

“Your mother will be here in about ten minutes.  I’ll talk to her before she sees you if you’d like.”

“Yes, please.  This is already going to be rough enough without another fight.”

I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes.  A headache had been forming since the fight, and was now taking a firm grasp on my brain and trying to pound it into submission.

“Mr. Johnson, could I have some Tylenol, please?”

“Certainly.  I’ll get it for you.”

Resting my head against the wall, I tried to center my mind on what was to come: my mother would be there any moment, I would have to explain to her what had happened, and I would have to face Pete when he got home and try to explain what happened, if he would let me.  Seeing him walk away from me like he did hurt more than if he had stayed and glared at me the whole time and then chewed me out.  I had no idea what to expect.

Mr. Johnson returned several minutes later and handed me the medication.  He waited for me to swallow the pills with the water he’d brought along, and then walked out again.  I sat back and tried to relax.  It was surprising to me that I could be so calm considering what had just happened.  If I should ever be having a panic attack, that was the time, but I wasn’t even close.  It almost seemed funny to me.

A short while later, I heard my mother at the office window.  The office attendant let her in and led her to one of the counseling rooms where Mr. Johnson joined her a moment later.  I couldn’t hear anything of what they said, and when the vice principal reemerged, he gave me no hint of what had been discussed.  He came to his office and shut the door.

“Brian, your mom is upset, and I think you can understand that.  I explained what happened and that you were defending yourself and another student, but policy states that there is a mandatory suspension.  I didn’t tell her anything regarding the revelation of your sexuality.  I’ll leave that to you.”

“Thank you.”

“When you come back next Monday, I want you to meet me here in the office before you go to class, so that I can bring you up to date on what has happened here.  Your books are in with your mother.  I’ll have someone call you with your assignments.  Whether or not they will count for your grade will depend on Dr. Sumner’s decision, but I suspect Dr. Sumner will allow it.

“You’re a good, kid, Brian.  I know your heart is in the right place.  We’ll try to do right by you as a school if you try to do right by us.”

“I’ll promise not to start anything, but if someone attacks me, I’m going to defend myself.”

“Well, let us talk about it and see what we can do to make that unnecessary.  You can go see your mom now.  Take the time you need, and then you can go.  I’ll see you next Monday.”

“Bye.”

“Goodbye, Brian.”

I rose and walked into the room where my mom was waiting.  She stood the moment she saw me, and when I entered she spoke in an urgent whisper.

“Brian Andrew Kellam, what on Earth were you thinking?”

I closed the door and replied in a calm tone, “I was thinking that James didn’t stand a chance and needed help.  I jumped in between him and them.”

“You could have been hurt!”

I shrugged.  “I guess, but I wasn’t thinking about it at the time.  All I saw was a bunch of assholes picking on someone who hadn’t done anything to them.”

“Language, Brian!”

I rolled my eyes, becoming irritated.  “Look, Mom, they were giving him a hard time because they think he’s gay.  With what happened to Matthew Shepard…”

“Brian, you didn’t…”

I overrode her angrily.  “… they thought they could scare him by threatening him, and they did scare him!  They might have hurt him, too, if I hadn’t jumped in.  Then they attacked me, and one of them threatened me.  He said he was going to do me like they did Matthew Shepard, Mom!”

“Oh, Brian…”  The disappointment and disbelief in her tone angered me.

“He was serious!” I continued, my voice now hard and loud. “He threatened my life and I defended myself, so don’t you dare lecture me about fighting.  I could be dead right now if I hadn’t!”

“You might be exaggerating…”

“Christ, Mom, does it matter?”

She looked at me for a moment and then relented.  “No, I suppose not.”

A silence fell between us.  I tried to regain the calm I had lost, and my mother sat thinking about what I’d said.  When I felt I was back in control, I spoke again.

“There’s one more thing.”

She looked up, her eyes wary.

“I guess I outed myself.  I don’t remember doing it, but my friends said they heard it, so I have to believe them.”

“Oh, dear,” Mom said, her voice worried.  “So what do we do now?”

“We go home, I serve out the suspension, and I try to explain this to Pete and keep him from freaking out.”

“All right… Get your books, honey.”

I picked up my book bag and slung it over my shoulder.  When I opened the door, Mr. Johnson stopped me.

“Mr. Kellam, an officer will be contacting you for a statement while you’re away.  Please cooperate with his investigation.”

I nodded in response and walked toward the door leading to the hallway.  The bell signaling the end of the period had rung while my mom and I had been talking in the counseling office.  Outside, the droves of students going from class to class went blithely along their way, but when I made my appearance at the door, traffic slowed to nearly a standstill, and every head swiveled to see the new gay kid in the school.

As disconcerted as I was, I turned for the door leading to the parking lot and ignored everyone as much as I could.  People melted out of my way as I came toward them, and a quiet buzz resumed behind me.  There was no doubt that the entire school was now aware of every detail of what had occurred a scant hour before.

I kept a steady pace as I walked, my eyes flicking from person to person, trying to gauge their reaction to what they had heard.  Some people looked away immediately; others watched me pass without a hint of what they felt.  Others curled their lip with distaste, and I made a mental note of who they were.  Yet others met my gaze and acknowledged me in some small way: a slight nod here or maybe a smile there.  By the time I had reached the exit, I knew that I would not be alone when I returned to school.

I opened the door and stepped outside to be met by Tomas and Terry.  Tomas offered his hand, and I took it.  He pulled me into a half-hug and then released me to Terry, who did the same, before handing me a piece of paper.

“Those are our numbers, Brian,” Terry said.  “Call us if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, guys.  This means a lot.  You have no idea.”

“It means a lot to me, too,” Mom added.  “It’s nice to see that Brian has friends here who don’t care that he’s… he’s…”

“He’s Brian, Mrs. Kellam,” Tomas supplied.  “Nothing has changed.  Sure, he may love another guy, but he’s still my friend, and he’s still your son.”

“I know.  This whole thing just has me frightened,” my mother admitted quietly.  “It’s one thing to know it and see it at home, but it’s another to know that the world knows now, too.  It was safe for him to come to school this morning.  Now… I don’t know.”

“He has a lot of friends,” Terry stated confidently.  “Things will work out.  We’ll do our best to make sure nothing happens to him.”

The three of us knocked fists before I led my mom to our car and climbed in for the ride home.  While we rode, I thought about what had happened and how my life was going to change.  I knew that I was off the football team.  I probably would not be going out for wrestling because of the misconceptions people would have about my sexuality, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to fight that, but on the other hand, why should I let that deter me?  I’m gay.  So what?  I was gay last year, and I was on the team until I fought with Brent.  Was I going to let this run my life?  I had to make a decision. 

I would wait until Kevin came home and talk about it at our family meeting, and no matter what happened, I’d stick with it.  It was too important to let it go, to just give up.

When we got to the house, I was surprised to see Kevin’s car in the driveway.  I was even more surprised to find he was in our room loading a suitcase with some of Pete’s clothes.

“What’re you doing, Kevin?”

“Pete asked me to bring him some clothes.  He said he needs some time to think.”  He eyed me, his face carefully neutral.  “You outed yourself?”

“I jumped in to stop Krogh and Langley from beating up this other kid because they thought he was gay.  I turned the situation around on them and they attacked me.”

“So what caused you to yell, ‘Not this faggot!’?” Kevin demanded, his eyes flashing angrily.

“I must’ve said that after Krogh said he was going to do me just like they did Matthew Shepard!  I don’t remember saying it.”

“Do you know what you’ve done?”

“Yeah, I do!  Anyone around me is suspect now!  Fuck, Kevin, I’m not an idiot!  And fuck you for going off on me!  I was the one in a fight for my life today!  I thought you might be just a little bit supportive, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Brian…” Kevin began, but I didn’t want to hear him.

“Get what Pete needs and then get the fuck out of my room.  If you aren’t going to be supportive, then get out.  I have enough people against me as it is.”

With my last words, I threw my heavy book bag against the closet wall, making a loud thump.  I turned around to walk out, but Kevin’s hand on my shoulder stopped me.

“Don’t touch me,” I said without turning.  “You’ve made it clear where you stand.”

He did not release me.  “And I’m changing where I’m standing.  Look at me.”

I turned to watch him.  His face was intense.

“Look.  I won’t lie to you.  I’m scared.  I don’t have any experience with what’s going to happen now.  I don’t know what Pete or Ray will face, or what you’ll face when you go back.  I don’t want anything to happen to any of you.

“Let me take care of Pete, and then I’ll come back here and we’ll take care of you, okay?”

“Okay.  Tell him… Tell him I’m sorry and that I love him, and that if I could change it, I would.”

“I will, Brian.”

“And–” I dropped my eyes. “And ask him to come home soon.”

“I will, son.”

Kevin pulled me into a rough hug.  I held us close for a long moment, needing the reassurance the contact gave me.  He squeezed harder when I let him go, as a reminder he was right there if I needed him.

While Kevin finished his packing, I changed into some sweats and went for a run.  Mom asked me to be back by the time Dawn and Ray got home, so we could call Dad and talk.  I promised her I would.

Approaching the midpoint of my run, I thought about Pete as I plodded along the muddy road.  I had forced him into exactly the position he had all but begged me not to put him in.  He warned me not to do it, and I went ahead and did it anyway.  He said he didn’t want to have to make a choice–  I stopped where I was, and looked straight ahead at nothing.

Pete didn’t want to make a choice, but now he had to.  He had to decide whether to come out with me or stay in the closet, and the only way he could do that….

I turned around and started back home, a new line of thought entering my mind.  What if the worst happened? Would it make a difference in the decision I’d already made?  It would definitely affect how I would live, but it wouldn’t change my resolve.  Pete would do what he felt he needed to do.  Regardless of his choice, I had to do what was required for me to live my life.

When I arrived home, I saw all the cars except Pete’s in front of the house.  A pang of sadness and disappointment passed through me, but I accepted his need for some time and space to think.  The entire family was gathered in the family room waiting for me.  Mom and Kevin were sitting on the couch, bracketing Dawn.  Jason and Ray sat in the side chairs.  Taking a deep breath, I stood before them and started speaking before anyone else could.

“Yes, I got in a fight today with Lee Krogh, Todd Langley, and Jesus Garza.  Krogh threatened me, saying he was going to… uh… hurt me like they hurt Matthew Shepard in Wyoming.  I sort of lost it, said something I don’t remember, and outed myself before breaking Krogh’s nose.  I’ve been suspended until next Monday.  Ray, I’m sorry that I put you in this situation.  If I could change it, I would.  Dawn, word is going to spread, and people are going to start asking about me.”

“You could deny it,” my sister said in a tremulous voice.

“No, I won’t do that.  I’m not going to hide from this.  I won’t go back into the closet.  I thought about that on the way home.  I will not allow this to dictate how I live.  I won’t let others tell me what I can and can’t do because of what they think they know about me.”

“Right on, bro,” Ray said.  “I’m with you.  I’m coming out next Monday.  I’ll call Aron and see what he says.”

“Now, let’s wait a minute, Ray,” Kevin cautioned.  “Let’s not jump the gun here.  Brian, are you sure this is the right path to take?”

“I don’t see another way to go, Kevin.  The only other options are to deny it or to acknowledge it and take all the abuse that’s coming my way anyway.  If I let them know up front that I won’t take it, then I stand a better chance of living my life the way I want to.”

“You also have a pretty good chance of getting in a lot of fights,” Jason added dryly.

“Let the bastards try!” Ray spouted enthusiastically.

“Raymond!  Language!”

“Afrikaans!”

“It’s possible,” I replied to Jason with a smirk at Ray, who sat preening in his chair after thwarting my mother’s sense of outrage yet again.  “But as I said, I don’t see any way around it.  Mr. Johnson said he and the school staff are going to do some planning and hold an assembly, so we can hope that they can come up with something and that the assembly has some impact.  Ray can let us know about that.”

“If Ray goes to school,” Kevin said meaningfully.

“Dad, there’s no reason for me to stay home.  I mean, sure, I sat with Brian and Pete in the morning when they were in the cafeteria, but it’s not like I was in their clique, you know?”

“I didn’t even think to mention you to Johnson, Ray,” I admitted.

“Oh, that’s okay.  I’ll tell him.  It’s no big deal.”

“Wait,” said my mother, resting her head in her hand.  “This is all going so fast.  Shouldn’t there be more to this?  You’re all treating this like it’s just another day!”

“Why shouldn’t it be, Mom?” I asked honestly wondering at her surprise.  “This is exactly what I’m saying.  I don’t want this to disrupt my life – our lives – more than necessary.”

“And Pete?”

“Until I talk to him, I won’t know.  All I can do is deal with the fallout from what happened in my own life, until he comes back.”

“Do you know anything, Kevin?” Mom asked.

“Not enough to guess when he’s coming home.  This has really thrown Pete for a loop.  He’s been struggling with coming out for a long time.  After what happened to him with Curt and his mom, and then seeing Chris and what happened to Tony….  We talked about it several times.”

“He only mentioned it a couple times to me,” I said softly.  “We didn’t talk about it much and he didn’t really say how much he was struggling with it.  He did say that he didn’t want to be put in the position to have to make a choice, and that’s where I’ve put him.”

“I don’t know what he’ll decide, Brian,” Kevin said.  “I wish I did.”

I looked around the room and met everyone’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, everybody,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair.  “I’m, uh, I’m going to take a shower and then go to bed.”

I turned and walked away from the family room, leaving five quiet, thoughtful people in my wake, and one hurting, scared boyfriend somewhere out there – who knew how many miles away.

I showered in short order and returned to my room to collapse on my bed.  I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling while Pete lay heavily on my mind.  Of everything that had happened, I felt most guilty for letting him down.  On top of that, I missed his presence terribly.  Kevin had taken Pete’s pillow, so I didn’t even have his scent to comfort me in my solitude.  Tears struck me unaware, and I rolled over onto my stomach, letting my own pillow soak them up.  I let them come, not fighting them or resisting the sobbing that came shortly after, and curled up with my pillow until I fell asleep, which is how my mom found me, later.

“Brian?”

“What?”

“Your father is on the phone.  He wants to talk to you.”

I sniffed to clear my nose.  “Okay.  I’ll be right there.”

Mom closed the door and I sat up.  A headache had taken hold as I rested, and it sat squarely behind my eyes.  I managed to slide off the bed and slip on my sweats, and then wended my way to the kitchen.  Before taking the phone in hand, I poured myself a glass of orange juice and sat at the table.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Hello, son,” my father’s voice wafted through the airwaves.  “Heard you had a rough day.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

“How are you holding up?”

“I, uh… I’m not sure.  Okay, I guess.”

“Are you hurt?” he asked, his concern evident.

“Not physically, if that’s what you mean.”

“How about emotionally?”

“I’m not doing so well,” I answered, my voice suddenly rough.  “I hurt him, Dad.  I hurt him really bad.”

“Pete’s a big boy, Brian,” Dad said.  “You guys have a strong relationship.  If he loves you as much as you love him, you’ll work out whatever has happened between you and come out stronger in the end.”

“No, Dad, you don’t understand.  What did Mom tell you?”

“She said you got in a fight.”

“Yeah, but did she tell you why?”

“She said you were defending someone who was being bullied,” my dad replied.

“Yeah.  He was being picked on because he’s gay.”

A moment of silence came from my father’s end, and then, “Okay… and you fought the people who were picking on him…”

“Yeah…”

“…and they now think you’re gay.”

“They know I’m gay, Dad.  One of them threatened to kill me like Matthew Shepard.”

“Who?”

“Matthew Shepard.  That guy in Wyoming?”

“Oh.  Yes.  Poor kid.  So they attacked you?”

“Yeah, and I took them down after saying something to the effect that they’d never kill this faggot.”

“Brian…”

“I don’t remember saying it, Dad.  I kind of blanked out when he threatened me.”

“You’re out, then?”

“Looks like it.”

“And Pete?”

“Doesn’t want to be out.  That’s what I was talking about.  He doesn’t want to be out, and I took the choice out of his hands.  Right now, Pete’s somewhere else, thinking.  He’s trying to decide whether he’s going to…” I sighed.  “Whether he’s going to go to school with me or not.”

“I see.  How are you going to deal with being out, Brian?”

“Straight up.  I’m not going to hide.  I’m going to live my life.”

“And if other people get in the way?”

“I’ll deal with it when it happens.”

“Are you sure, son?”

“Yes, Dad, I’m sure.  I’m not going to let them tell me how I can live.”

“Brian, I wish I could be there for you right now.”

“I know, Dad.  You are.”

“Not like I want to be.”

“You do the best you can, Dad.  We know that.  We know you’d rather be here, too.”

“You got that right.”

Another long pause.

“I miss you, Dad.”

“I miss you too, son.  I want you to know that I’m proud of you, okay?  I’m proud that you’re being who you are, and that person is someone I’m proud of.  I’m not saying this well.  I love you, Brian.”

“I love you too, Dad.  I wish you were here.”

“Me too, boy.  You take care of yourself, now.  Stand your ground.  I’ll see you soon.  Now let me talk to your mom.”

“Okay.  Bye, Dad.”

“Bye, son.  Hang in there.”

“Thanks.”

I put down the receiver and let my mom know Dad was waiting for her.  She hugged me and kissed my cheek before retreating to the kitchen.  Dawn looked up at me, uncertainty written plainly on her face.

“I don’t know, Dawn.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“I’m worried about you, Brian,” she said quietly

“Don’t worry about me.  I can handle myself.  I want you to promise me that if anyone gives you a hard time you’ll call Mom or Kevin, and if it gets mean you’ll go to your teacher or principal.”

“I will, bro.

“Okay.  I’m tired.  I’m going to bed.”

“Sleep well, Brian.”

“Not likely, but thanks anyway.”

I sat up, heart pounding, a scream caught in my throat, the image of a boy walking away from me burned into my mental retina.  The door to my room opened, revealing the outline of Jason’s frame.

“Bro?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I said breathlessly.  “Things are getting back to normal, it seems.”

“How’s that?”

“The nightmares are back.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

I shook my head and lay back down.  Jason withdrew, closing the door and leaving me in what could very well be my new normal state: cold and alone.