Chapter Three
“Are you okay, Bri?” Pete asked after closing the door to our room.
Taking off my wet shirt, I said, “I guess. You know how I feel.”
“And I know what you told your parents last week, and I know what your dad told you just now,” Pete stated. “Are you going to take your own advice?”
“You mean about leaving the past in past? I do, mostly,” I replied, removing the wet jeans I was wearing. As Pete had yet to remove any item of wet clothing, I pointedly asked, “Are you going to stand there dripping?” He gave me a half grin and I continued. “It doesn’t affect me until something like this comes up. It was years, Pete. Three years. Twenty percent of my life that I took away from them. Twenty percent that…”
“Twenty percent that your parents were just as responsible for losing. Look, Brian, I know you still feel guilty about what happened, and at the same time, you really don’t seem to let it bother you. You really have forgiven them for what happened, right?”
“Yeah, I have,” I replied, knowing full well what Pete was about to say to me, but I played it out, anyway. “So what?”
Pete began, “So maybe it’s time to…”
“…Forgive yourself,” I parroted his last words. “I know, I know. It’s not that easy, though. I still feel guilty about how badly I treated you when I first came up here. You know that, too.”
Pete sighed, thoroughly sick of the argument.
“Look, Bri, what good is carrying around that guilt doing you? You told your parents that the past is an anchor. Well, that guilt is even worse, because you know it’s there and you’re not doing anything to forgive yourself.”
“I know, I know… I know, already!” I shot back.
“If you know, then do something!”
“I’m trying,” I said coldly, now glaring at him, “but even Will said it’s going to take time.” I raised my voice with my growing agitation. “Jesus Christ, Pete, my dad just left for six fucking months, and I don’t have the right to be depressed about it?”
Pete had stopped moving when I began yelling. He seemed taken aback, and then his expression softened.
“I’m sorry, Pete,” I apologized. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“Actually, Bri, I think I did,” Pete said, sighing again. “I’m sorry, too. I know better. I know you’re trying. And you really are doing better. You have been since we met the guys in L.A.”
“We should plan another trip down there to see them this summer.”
“I’d like that too,” Pete agreed. “And to spend some time with Chris, Tony, Mac and Pedro.”
“It would be nice to see them again.” I looked at Pete. “I miss Chris. I miss talking to him.”
“Then call him, for crying out loud,” Pete said in exasperation. “Brian, what is really going on in your head? You’re starting to freak me out.”
“I…” After a deep breath, I explained, “I think it’s all one thing. I’m already missing my dad, so maybe it’s like I’m thinking of everyone else I’m missing. Does that make sense?”
“Kind of, although I don’t know how you made that connection so fast. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re sinking into a depression.” Pete saw my expression change and raised his hand to ward me off. “Now, Brian, don’t go ballistic on me. I’m thinking you should go see Will this week and not wait until next week.” He walked up to me and pulled me against his naked body. “I don’t want this to eat at you until next week, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed with a sigh. “I’ll call Will tomorrow and see if he can get me in after football practice this week. I’m really sorry I went off on you.”
“It’s okay, baby. I’m sorry I provoked you. Let’s get dressed and get lunch, all right?”
“I need to go up and see Dawn. She’s in worse shape than I’m in.”
“Okay. I’ll fix lunch for all of us while you do that. Tell Ray to come down and help me.”
“He’s staying next to us. What’s he doing upstairs?” I wondered.
“Talking to Dawn, I think,” Pete said as he wandered out the door and toward the kitchen.
“Hmm. I better get up there. Who knows what perversity he’s conning my sister into?”
As I got near Dawn’s room at the top of the stairs, I could hear her and Ray talking in quiet voices through the open door. I hesitated, listening.
“Oh, that’s gross!” Dawn exclaimed.
“Yup, but that’s what my dad made me do. See, your dad’s not a bad guy at all. If I didn’t have Kevin, your dad would be my second pick.”
I’d had no idea Ray felt that way about my father.
He continued, “Besides, I’m already sorta your brother-in-law.”
“I can’t believe your dad made you… you know…”
“He did worse than that, sis, but he’ll never touch me again,” Ray answered fiercely. “Ever.” His voice changed into a softer tone. “For what it’s worth, I’ll miss your dad, too. You know where I am if you want to talk. Do me a favor?”
“Sure,” Dawn responded without hesitation.
I could hear the smile in Ray’s voice. “Don’t let Brian and Pete and Jason know that I’m really a kitten, okay? I have an image to maintain.”
“Your secret is safe with me,” my sister promised with a giggle.
I heard movement in her room, and it was apparent Ray was leaving. I looked around for a place to hide so he wouldn’t see me, but there was absolutely nowhere for me to go without jumping down the stairs. Resigned to being caught eavesdropping on a private, sensitive conversation, I stood my ground. When Ray came out of the room, he was startled to see me, but recovered quickly.
“What the fuck are you looking at, Kellam?” he demanded as he walked toward me.
“A piece of dried up dog shit, that’s what!” I barked back.
“You must be looking in the mirror, ‘cause I know you ain’t talking ‘bout me,” he countered as he neared where I was standing.
“You’re right. I meant elephant shit. They don’t stack dog shit to your height.”
My verbal parry earned a grudging grin from him as he passed, but I stopped him by grabbing his arm.
“Ray,” I said softly, “that was really cool, what you did for Dawn just now.”
He looked at me, his expression of complete confusion a true work of art.
“I don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout, Kellam.”
He tried to pull his arm away from me, but I wouldn’t allow him. He fought me as I pulled him into a rough embrace, but once there, he stopped struggling and let me hug him. I wanted him to know how I felt, even though I was sure he wouldn’t return my hug. I was wrong. His arms surrounded me and he pulled me against him tightly for a long moment before shoving me away. He ran a finger under his nose and sniffled, and then wiped at his eyes.
“Fuck you, Kellam,” he said in a sullen, almost hostile voice.
I smiled and replied, “I love you too, Ray.”
He blinked a couple of times, and surprised me by briefly embracing me once more, and then shoved me away again before he hurried down the stairs and out of sight.
Mom and Kevin got home at just about dinnertime. He had taken her shopping after dropping my dad off at the airport as a distraction, and then they had gone to the grocery store. Ray, Dawn and I brought in the groceries and helped put them away, while Pete continued with dinner preparations.
My mother appeared to be in better spirits than she had been, joking around with us, and in particular needling Ray about his lack of manners. He responded in his own special way, baiting her with half-spoken epithets and snide comments. I believe that both of them were enjoying their sparring matches as much as the rest of us enjoyed listening to them snipe at each other. There was something in the back of my head that told me all was not what it seemed, but I couldn’t nail down any specifics.
After we had finished eating, the kids were charged with cleaning up the dishes with the exception of Pete, who had prepared the meal. Although he was exempted from the chore, he helped anyway and we did the job quickly. Once we were finished, Mom and Kevin called a family meeting in the living room. Pete and I sat next to Dawn on the couch, while Ray and my mother took the two recliners. Kevin stood in front of the television.
“Kevin and I have some things we would like to say,” Mom began. “With Ben gone, we’re all going to feel out of sorts for a while – me probably most of all. I’ll most likely be hard to live with until we all adjust to his absence.”
Kevin added, “I know how much Brian will miss his dad, and I’m sure Dawn will feel the same way. I know that I can’t replace him, and I don’t want to. What I do want to do, however, is be here for each of you if you need me.” Kevin looked at Dawn. “I’m not your dad, but I am a dad. If you need anything, to talk or to yell at someone, I’m here, okay?”
“Okay,” Dawn replied meekly.
“Ray,” Mom said, “I don’t expect you to think of me as your mom, and I’m not sure that you’d even consider it. I want you to know that you can come to me, though. I’ve noticed that Brian and Pete can sometimes push you into the background, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t welcome, and wanted here with us.”
Pete and I exchanged a glance while Ray seemed distinctly uncomfortable at my mother’s attention.
In order to break the sudden tension that filled the room, I quipped, “Speak for yourself, Mom!”
“Yeah, well f… you too, Kellam,” Ray fired back with mock anger through the general laughter.
I thought I caught a hint of gratitude in his expression, and I nodded slightly in recognition. Ray cleared his throat and stood up.
“Is that it?” he carped. “Can I go do something useful now?”
“Yes, like your homework, Raymond,” Mom retorted. “That goes for all of you, unless there is something else?”
No one said anything, so we went our separate ways. Dawn got her homework and joined Pete and me at the dining room table. Ray, however, stayed in his room. Kevin raised an eyebrow when he found Ray missing and went off in search of him. Twenty minutes later, Ray brought his books out and sat heavily at the opposite end of the table from us. He seemed distressed, but obviously didn’t want to talk about it.
When we had finished our homework, Pete and I went to our bedroom. He watched me as we undressed. I tried to ignore his scrutiny, but couldn’t.
“What, Pete?” I asked.
“Just watching you, Bri.. Trying to tell how you’re doing.”
“We talked about it earlier, Pete. I’m going to miss him.”
“I know it’s not the same, but Kevin is still here,” Pete reminded me.
“Babe, do we have to talk about this right now?” I said, surprised to hear a whine in my voice. “All I want to do is lie down.”
“Oh, Bri… now I know you’re really upset.”
I sighed and dropped my eyes. “I don’t want to make a big deal about this. He’s gone, and I have to move forward. The less we talk about it, the better off I’ll be.”
Pete peered at me for a long moment, and then proposed, “How about this: we talk about it tonight, and then we don’t talk about it again for a while, okay?”
“Fine; whatever,” I answered, finally stripped to my boxer briefs.
I lay down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying not to dwell on the fact that my father had left. Pete, bless his heart, thought I needed to talk about what I was feeling, something that Will had been telling me to do since the first day I went to see him. The trouble was, what I felt was something close to abandonment.
Dad and I had reconciled in the months that Pete and I had been back together. He had finally come to accept my sexuality and the fact that Pete and I were together. Mom had been less accepting at first – and even now sometimes seemed as if she wanted to object to our relationship – and Dad had played the role of buffer, sheltering Pete and me from the worst of her fears. Now, with him gone, I was worried that there would be nothing to help Mom keep everything in perspective. I could only hope that Kevin would be able to do that.
Pete lay down on his side next to me and threw his arm across my chest. Without prompting, I told him my train of thought from the beginning while he listened quietly, idly stroking my skin. When I finished, he gently turned my head to face him.
“Brian, whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together, okay? Just like we always have. You don’t have to worry about that. No matter what happens, I’ll always be here with you and for you. Okay?” He kissed me gently on my lips. “Forever.”
I rolled toward him and hugged him tightly, soaking in the comfort his presence gave me. We drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms, and we were still that way when the alarm woke me the next morning. I quickly silenced the alarm and reset it for two hours later – the normal time Pete got up on a school day – and gathered my things.
Monday morning greeted me with the rain that had continued through the night. As was my habit on Monday and Wednesday mornings, I woke early enough to run the six-mile distance to school. I had again started running regularly upon our return from our summer trip in July. Pete ran with me on occasion, but only on the shorter runs. He was not the fitness freak I was, and I understood that. He worked out with me in the gym or weight room regularly, though, three or four times a week. I discovered that I could continue to increase my weights and repetitions without having to work out seven days a week. If I had tried to work out that often, it would have been a red flag for Pete and my parents. They were very much aware of my eating disorder and my penchant for pushing my body to its limits.
It took me no time at all to find my zone, that place my mind went when I ran, a place no conscious thought invaded. My mind was a blank the entire way in, my body moving on automatic pilot. Running was one of my escapes from the real world. When the pressure got to be too much or the tension too high, I would take off for a long run in an effort to decompress. I would go insane if something happened and I couldn’t run.
The locker room was open when I arrived at school. I quickly shucked my wet running gear and jumped into the showers to warm down and clean up. I let the water cascade over me as my brain started to ramp up for the day. It was a good thing I had my writing class during first period, because it acted like a lubricant for my mind and prepared me for second-period math.
As I made it back to my locker, to my chagrin I found that I had forgotten to pack clothing to change into. Lacking anything else to wear, I changed into my phys ed clothing and knocked on the coaches’ office door. Mr. Sarvino answered.
“Kellam! You’re here early, aren’t you? Good game on Saturday, by the way.”
“Thank you, coach. I ran in this morning. Can I use the phone?” I asked sheepishly. “I need to call home and, uh, ask them to bring me some clothes. I forgot them.”
Sarvino laughed at me for a moment and then motioned me in. He was still chuckling as I made my call. Mom picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom, it’s me.”
“Brian, is everything okay?” she asked with a tinge of panic.
“Yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine. Can I talk to Pete? I need him to bring something to school for me.”
“Sure. Hold on, honey.”
She put down the receiver to get my boyfriend. I glanced at the clock and realized he would be leaving the house in a very few minutes. I was lucky I’d caught him. Thoughts of going to my classes in gym shorts and a stinking t-shirt made me cringe.
“What’s up, Bri?” Pete asked after picking up. “Forget something?”
“Yeah. I, uh, kinda forgot something to wear,” I admitted with a glance at Mr. Sarvino, who barely stifled another belly laugh.
“You forgot your clothes?” Pete asked incredulously.
“Yes, I forgot my clothes.”
Sarvino could no longer contain his mirth and left the office, howling.
Wonderful, I thought. This’ll be around school before lunch.
“Okay,” Pete said, his wide smile and a hint of mischief coming through in his voice. “I’ll pick out something for you.”
“Something I’d normally wear, Pete!”
“Brian, would I do something like that to you?” Pete asked with a chuckle.
“Yes, you would,” I accused. “In a heartbeat.”
Pete laughed and said, “Okay, Bri. I’ll bring you some jeans and a t-shirt. Okay?”
“Something I would normally wear!”
“I promise. Meet you in the locker room?”
“Yeah. Thanks, babe.”
Immediately after I said it, I looked behind me. I couldn’t believe I’d slipped up like that, and if Sarvino had heard... He knew who I was talking to. Pete didn’t seem to notice.
Pete said, “See you in fifteen or so.”
“Okay. I’ll be here. Bye.”
“Bye, Bri.”
We hung up. Coach Sarvino walked in, his face now sober. I looked at him for a moment, trying to decipher his bland expression. He didn’t return my scrutiny, but rather sat at his desk.
“Done?” he asked.
“Yes, coach,” I replied. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” he said, and then after a pause, “Brian, I have an assignment for you.”
Oh shit, I thought. He’s using my first name. He heard something.
He turned to face me. “I want you to look up a former pro football player named David Kopay and do a three-page report on him. You are to give it to me in four weeks, and then we’ll talk about it.”
“Coach, why am I doing this?” I asked him, daring him to tell me he had heard something.
“Because I think you’ll get something out of it, and because I told you to.” He smiled and continued, “Just do it, Kellam. You’re as smart as they come. You can finish it up in no time, but take the four weeks and really dig into this.”
“Yes, sir,” I answered.
The confusion I felt must have shown on my face.
“Brian, you’ll understand when you start doing your research. If you have any questions, need anything or want to talk, then you know where to find me.”
He turned back to his desk, dismissing me.
“Okay, coach,” I said on my way out, still confused.
I went back to my locker and sat down, letting the conversation play through my mind. There was nothing overt about his words or manner to make me think he knew anything, but I’d never heard him give any other player an assignment outside of class.
I looked at the clock and found that I still had ten minutes before Pete arrived. I walked out of the locker room and into the weight room. Since I didn’t have a spotter, I used the machines, working on my shoulders and lats. I put my weight at ninety percent of my maximum so I could have a quick workout. By the time Pete arrived, I was sweating again, so I took another quick shower. He sat next to me as I dressed, ribbing me about forgetting my clothes.
Coach Sarvino came out of his office and headed to the toilets. He cast a glance our way and we locked eyes. He nodded slightly and then walked out of the room. I stared after him.
“Brian, are you okay?” Pete asked. “You seem spaced out.”
“Yeah, I’m okay. Coach Sarvino gave me an assignment this morning, and I can’t figure it out.”
“What is it?”
“I have to do a three-page report on a football player.”
“Any particular player?”
Coach Sarvino returned from the toilets and went back to his office. He didn’t look in our direction.
“Yeah. David Kopay.”
Pete’s jaw dropped and stared at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Brian, do you know who David Kopay is?” Pete asked in a hushed tone.
“No.”
Pete took a deep breath, looked around, and then said, “David Kopay was the first pro football player to come out of the closet!”
I blinked. “He knows.”
“How?” Pete demanded. “We’re so careful!”
“I should have been more careful,” I stated. “He overheard our phone conversation this morning, at least my part of it.”
“All you did was ask me to bring you some clothes!”
“And I called you ‘babe’,” I admitted softly. “It slipped out. He wasn’t even in the room.”
Pete said in a quiet tone, “I don’t even remember you doing it. Dammit, Brian, how could you be so careless?”
“I’m sorry, Pete. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You should probably talk to him and find out what he’s going to do. Fuck!” Pete’s last word came out loudly, loud enough for the people around us to hear. “I can’t believe this! This is the last fucking thing we need!”
“Problem, Patterson?”
Pete looked up and saw Lee Krogh smirking at him.
“Fuck off, Krogh,” Pete barked. “Mind your own business.”
“Ooooo. Patterson’s got a temper,” Lee taunted.
Pete stood up, using his two-inch height advantage to best benefit, and rasped, “Krogh, get your ass away from me before I kick you across the room!”
“Yeah, like you could do that.”
The first warning bell sounded.
“Got to go,” Krogh said with an ingratiating smile. “Have fun with whatever.”
He walked away, leaving a very angry Pete in his wake. Once Lee was out of sight, Pete whirled on me.
“You better get this figured out,” he said harshly. “I want to know if I’m going to have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.”
He spun on his heel and walked away without another word or a backward glance. I shook my head. I couldn’t believe the turn the morning had taken. Sighing, I stood and closed my locker, and then moved toward the necessary confrontation. I had no idea what to say to the coach, and Pete’s hostile reaction and abrupt departure left me feeling unbalanced.
The door to the office was open. I knocked on the frame. Coach Sarvino motioned me in.
“Shut the door, Brian. I’ll write you a pass if you need it.”
I did as the man said and then stood in front of him, looking at everything but his face. He waited patiently for me to say something. When it was evident I didn’t know where to begin, he spoke.
“You found out who David Kopay is?” he asked quietly.
I nodded.
“And you want to know why I told you to do a paper on him.” It was not a question.
I nodded again.
“Why do you think?”
I shook my head. “You tell me, coach.”
“Kellam – Brian – do you think you’re the first kid to come through here who has a secret he’s trying to keep? You aren’t alone. Neither of you is alone.”
“What secret is that?” I warily asked.
He half smiled. “You and Patterson are close.”
“Our families are sharing a house right now until Pete’s new house is built,” I said evasively.
“Well, that’s pretty lucky for you two, living together.” He peered at me for a moment and then asked quietly, “Are you out to your parents?”
There it was. I took a deep breath and let it out.
“What are you going to do?” I asked him.
“Do? Why would I do anything? I wanted you to know that if something happens, or you need someone to talk to, I’m available. Other than that, it’s up to you.”
“How did you figure it out?”
“I had my suspicions before, but then I know what to look for,” he explained. “I have a good friend who has a gay son. Both he and his boyfriend were students of mine. Remember, you aren’t the first like you to come through here, Brian. I’ve known a dozen or more kids your age in the last five years who are either bisexual or gay, and a few more who really weren’t sure. The point is that I’m okay with you and Pete being who and what you are. Your secrets are safe with me.”
“But how did you figure it out?” I asked again.
“I didn’t figure it out because of this, but it confirmed it for me. You called him ‘babe’.”
“Damn it, I knew it when it slipped out of my mouth,” I said bitterly.
“Just be more careful, is all,” he replied with total unconcern.
“We are careful. This is the first time anything has slipped, and now we’re talking about it. What if you had been Lasko, or Langley, or Krogh?”
“Brian, don’t beat yourself up about this. Yeah, you got lucky this time since I was the one who heard you, but maybe this will help you keep your head on, er, straight.”
He smiled, and I laughed at his choice of words. The tardy bell sounded, and he pulled out a pad to write a pass for me.
“I don’t know what to say, coach, but thanks.”
“Anytime, Brian. I know how hard it is for you guys at your age.”
“Would you mind talking to Pete? He’s pissed at me because I slipped.”
“Sure. He knows I know?” Coach Sarvino inquired.
“He will once I talk to him in third.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to him last period unless he wants to come see me earlier.”
“Thanks, coach,” I said sincerely. “You made my life a bit easier today.”
“It’s what I’m here for, Brian,” he said as he handed me the pass. “I’ll see you last period.”
“See you then.”
The halls were empty as I made my way to class. I couldn’t help but think about how Pete had reacted to my blunder. I knew the magnitude of my mistake, but Pete’s response bothered me. He was treating me like I had slipped on purpose. He had to know that I would never do that. I would never tell anyone about us unless I spoke to him first.
Confusion and anxiety destroyed all concentration during writing and pre-calc. My math instructor cast several curious glances my way, and if it weren’t for my grades, I think he probably would have called me on it. When it came time to go to physics, I was so wound up that I took a wrong turn and was at the other side of the school before I realized it. I slipped into the classroom just as the bell rang.
I slid into my desk beside Pete, who cast me an askance glance with a neutral expression. I met his eyes once and then made a show of paying attention to class and nothing else. When the bell ending class rang, my nerves were shot. I gathered my books and walked to my locker to get my materials for English with Pete close on my heels. He confronted me when I stopped to dial in my combination.
“Well?” he asked sharply.
“Well what?” I returned coolly. “I talked to him and he’s cool.”
“How do you know?” Pete demanded. “He could be telling everyone!”
“He said he wouldn’t, and I believe him. He’ll talk to you in class last period if you want.” I turned back to my locker.
“Brian,” Pete began again, his voice hard. “I don’t want to…”
I whirled back around to face him.
“I’m not going to argue with you, Pete,” I said with some heat. “I already admitted I fucked up. I did what I could to make sure the situation isn’t going to blow up, and it won’t. If you don’t believe me, then go ask Sarvino yourself!”
“Dammit, Brian…”
“What do you want from me, Pete? I can’t change what happened!”
I finally managed to open my locker and trade out my books, feeling Pete’s eyes on me the whole time. My temper was rising because I felt he was being unreasonable and was continuing to act as though I had outed us to the whole school on purpose.
Pete grated, “What I want is to not have to look over my shoulder!”
I slammed my locker closed. The people around us looked on curiously.
“I already said I was sorry, and I can’t change it,” I stated. “If I could, I would!”
He glared at me for a moment before I squeezed by him and through the crowd.
“I’m going to be late,” I said as I passed him.
He quickly caught up to me as I walked down the hall.
“We’re not done talking about this, Brian,” he said.
“Yes, we are,” I answered. “We can talk about it tonight after practice if you still want to, but I’m done.”
Pete stopped in the middle of the hall and called, “Brian, stop.”
I kept going, ignoring him and he called again, louder.
“Brian!”
I continued walking down the hall.
“Kellam!”
Resisting the urge to turn and yell at Pete was difficult. He’d made me angry and it was getting hard to hold back. Just as I reached the door to the classroom a hand fell on my shoulder and pulled me around. I dropped my books as I spun and dropped into a fighting crouch on instinct.
“Don’t touch me,” I barked.
His outrage matched my fury. I stood and faced my boyfriend.
“We’ll talk about this after practice tonight. Now leave me alone.”
I turned to pick up my books and saw Tomas Garza holding them out to me.
“Thanks, Tomas,” I said as I took them.
“Is everything cool?” he asked in a tone that said he knew it was not.
“No, but it’s over for now,” I said loud enough for Pete to hear. “We’re going to straighten things out after practice tonight.”
“Remember what coach said about fighting,” Tomas warned as I walked into class.
Over my shoulder, I assured Tomas, “I won’t start a fight. It’s just a misunderstanding, and we don’t have time to deal with it right now. Right, Pete?”
Pete glared at me for a few seconds before shouldering his way past me. “Whatever.”
I stared after him.
“Are you okay, Brian?” Tomas asked.
“We’ll see,” I answered with a noncommittal tone. “We’ll see.”
Copyright Notice - Copyright ©2004 by DeweyWriter Ltd.
This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or other forms known or unknown without the author’s express written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced.