Chapter Two
“Pro right, thirty-two blast on one. Ready…”
“Break,” chorused our junior varsity offense before lining up on the ball.
We had spent the last ten minutes of the game driving down the field from our own goal line, fighting for every inch we had gained. Our opponent’s aggressive defense gave ground only grudgingly, forcing us to use every stunt we had in the playbook. Now, at our opponents eight-yard line, we had an opportunity to put the game out of their reach.
I took my place as halfback, lining up to the left and behind the quarterback. We were facing a five-two defense, which would make the fullback’s block critical to the success of the play. I glanced to the right and saw that Leo Jefferson was ready to open the lane for me. He stood about my height, five foot eight, but outweighed me by nearly thirty pounds.
I set myself in a half crouch, waiting for the quarterback’s signals.
At his call, “Down!” I went into a three-point stance, tensing my body for the action about to take place.
“Red twenty-four! Red twenty-four! Hut!”
Leo shot forward as I turned to the right, running toward the hole between the center and the right offensive guard. The quarterback slapped the football hard into my gut and I wrapped my arms around it tightly as I continued forward into the gap, running low and hard, following Leo closely. I felt a hand scrape against my forearm and another brush my shoulder before I was clear of the line of scrimmage. Ahead of me, the linebackers were converging in my path. Leo hit the man directly in front of him, taking him out of my way and leaving me a clear route into the end zone for six points.
After brief congratulations from my teammates, I trotted off to our bench.
“Nice job, Kellam,” Coach Sarvino said, giving me a pat on the ass. “You did a great job today. Coach Folds wants you to head to the locker room and get changed and get some rest for the varsity game.”
I acknowledged him, and he slapped the side of my helmet with a grin and turned away, his attention once more on the game. I watched our special teams make the extra- point conversion before leaving the sideline. The walk to the locker room was just right for a warm down: enough to relax my muscles, but not enough of a cool down to get me tight. When I walked in, Terry Green saw me.
“Hey, look who’s back from the trenches!” he said loudly. “I don’t see any broken bones, so you must’ve done okay.”
“I did alright,” I replied as I removed my helmet. “It’s the middle of the third quarter and they sent me in to change and relax for a bit.”
“What’s the score?” Pete asked.
“Fifteen to six. We made a two-point conversion in the second, and they missed theirs in the first.”
“So Kellam can play in the kids’ league. Big fucking deal,” came a sneer from further down.
Without turning to acknowledge him, I said to my friends, “Did you hear something? It sounded like a poodle whining.”
“Fuck you, Kellam!”
“Great comeback, Krogh,” Will Beck said, his words dripping with sarcasm. “Real imaginative.”
“Who asked you, you fag?”
“That’s enough!” Coach Folds’ glare encompassed our whole group. “You people are on the same team; kindly act like it. Krogh, keep your comments to yourself. We have a game to play and I want you using what little brain power you have to focus on that. Got me?”
“Yes, coach,” came the ragged reply.
I reached under my jersey, unhooked the elastic bands securing my shoulder pads, and pulled them off, jersey and all, over my head. The half shirt I wore beneath them was soaked with sweat.
“Let me get you some water, Bri, and then we’ll head out to the feed.” Pete volunteered.
“Thanks, Pete. Let me rinse off before we go,” I requested as I removed the wet shirt.
I sat down and took off my cleats and socks, and struggled out of the pants and girdle which held my hip and tailbone pads. The relatively cool air of the locker room felt good as I went through the pants to remove the pads.
“Any idea what your yards were?” Will asked as I continued to strip out of my JV uniform, staging my pads for dressing down in the varsity uniform after the steak feed that some parents put together every home game.
“Not really. I think I had a dozen carries or so. Maybe forty yards.” I shrugged.
“Still, that’s not bad. Who scored the tee-dees?”
Pete returned with a water bottle and I drank greedily. After a long moment, I replied, “I ran in the last one from eight yards. Sterling hit someone in the flat for the other one. I don’t know who it was. Be back in a minute.”
The showers were empty when I entered them. The water was ice cold when I turned it on, and on impulse I jumped into the stream. After the initial shock, I soaped up quickly and washed my hair before rinsing myself off. I stayed under the shower for a few moments to cool off some more before grabbing a towel and returning to my locker.
I put on some sweats and then joined my friends in the walk to the cafeteria. There were around forty players on the varsity squad, and all of them were present when we got there. Pete, Will, Terry and I got in the end of the line and piled our plates high with steak, potatoes and salad. There was nothing but scraps left on our plates when we were done.
After finishing up, we headed back to the locker room. We still had some time before the game, so we got our uniforms ready for the game, placing pads in their proper position. Pete and I went to the treatment room to get taped, and then returned to put on our uniforms with the exception of the football pads and jersey top.
I finished just in time for Coach Folds to call us into a circle around him. The man gave a classic speech exhorting us to do our best, work together as a team, and rip their balls off… figuratively speaking, of course. When he was done whipping us up into a frenzy, he told us to lay down, close our eyes and visualize ourselves performing at our peak.
The team spread out and found places to relax. Once everyone was more or less in place, the coach turned off the lights, leaving only the glow from the treatment room coming through the safety glass in the door. He quietly walked around us while we rested, crouching down and softly speaking to an individual here or there. Shortly, he knelt beside me.
“Kellam, you start at Will today. Patterson, you’re at Z,” he said to Pete, who was laying beside me. “Good job, men; you’ve earned it.” The coach rose and walked away.
I felt Pete’s hand brush mine. We tapped fists in silent celebration. It seemed that the predictions made the day before in the showers were right: I was playing first-string inside linebacker. Pete would be starting at wide receiver on the right side.
The lights came back on and Coach Folds bellowed, “Up and at ‘em!”
A few moments later, the team let out a frenzied roar, and walked out of the locker room, lining up for the trip out to the field. We moved at a sedate pace until we actually touched the grass on the field and then we sprinted to our bench on the opposite side, accompanied by the strains of the school fight song played by the pep band. After a modicum of jumping around and pumping each other up, we went into our pre-game warm up. I paid special attention to stretching myself out again. I didn’t want to be sidelined by an avoidable injury.
Before I knew it, it was game time. Our team lost the toss and the visitors chose to receive the ball. Special teams went in for the kickoff, and the fight was on. The ball sailed toward them and their return man caught it cleanly before heading up the field. He was met by a solid wall of green uniforms and swarmed under, just shy of their thirty yard line.
“Okay, defense! Get out there and stop them cold!” commanded Coach Sarvino.
Our defense trotted out to meet their offense. We went right into our huddle.
“Forty-four stack, Will taps,” ordered Tomas Garza, the defensive captain.
I was surprised to get the first opportunity to blitz their line, but I wasn’t given much time to think about it. Lining up, I saw that the offensive tackle on the right side was lined up just a bit outside of where he would normally be. Without any hesitation, I cheated up to our own defensive tackle and patted his right butt cheek, indicating that he was to pull toward the right, taking the offensive tackle outside of his lane and, hopefully, leaving me a clear shot into the pocket.
The quarterback began his signals. I backed off the line a few steps and set myself, waiting for the ball to be hiked.
“Hut… hut hut!” he called, and the ball was snapped on the last syllable.
With the movement of the ball, I charged forward. The hole opened up just as I had hoped. As I penetrated the line, the quarterback handed the ball to their halfback, who was surprised to see me coming at him. I placed my helmet as close to the ball as I could when I hit him, and actually managed to pick him up slightly before taking him to the ground hard for a seven-yard loss.
A primal roar exploded from my throat, accompanied by a surge of adrenaline, and I lost myself in the contest.
Unfortunately, that play was not representative of the entire game. While our defense did a decent job, allowing only one touchdown, our offense could not put the ball over the goal line. Every time we got into the red zone, someone would choke; either fumbling the ball, throwing an interception, or getting sacked. Eddie Lasko completed only one quarter of his passes. Our wide receivers were demolished whether they caught the ball or not, and our backfield was simply exhausted by the end of the first half. When the game was over, the only player who was in good shape was Lasko, who had somehow avoided most contact with our opposition.
Pete was moving slowly as we walked toward our opponents to shake hands. They had played hard and had beaten us just as much as we had beaten ourselves. I gave out a couple of compliments and received a few in return. Their coach congratulated me on a game well played, and I felt honored he would recognize me.
On the way into the clubhouse, Terry Green, Will Beck, Tomas Garza, Pete and I moved as a group, grousing about the offense’s apparent lack of effort. Pete took it all in stride, even agreeing with some of what was said. Eddie Lasko, who once again had to make an ass of himself, walked right between Pete and me, shouldering us both aside. Eddie stood six inches taller than I did, which put his shoulder pads at a level even with the back of my head.
Rather than get upset, I said loudly, “That’s the most contact Lasko’s had all day,” and chuckled along with my friends.
The boy turned around and stopped, glaring at us.
“Keep it up, Kellam. You won’t like what happens.”
“Is that a threat I heard, Lasko?” Coach Folds asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Eddie growled, “Kellam said something about me, and I’m not going to let him insult me.”
“Lasko, you have no room to say anything. Your performance was pathetic. Your attitude is worse. You better pull your socks up, or you’ll be warming the bench next week. Got me? Now hit the showers.”
Lasko continued to glower at me. I met his eyes calmly with a slight smile.
“Now!” bellowed the coach.
Eddie took a couple of slow backward steps before walking away.
“Remember what I said yesterday,” Folds said, watching the boy retreat.
“How are we supposed to deal with him, coach?” Will asked with clear frustration. “He’s always hitting Brian from behind and provoking us.”
“That’s your problem, Beck, but no fighting. You know what happens if I hear of you fighting.”
“We know,” we chorused.
“Hit the showers, guys,” the man said, following Eddie toward the locker room. “Every one of you played a great game.”
“Thanks, coach,” we said together.
He waved a hand over his shoulder, and we trailed after him at a slow pace
Pete drove us home after we had cleaned up, neither of us in the mood to talk. I held his hand as I reviewed my performance during the game. I decided that I hadn’t done too badly after all.
I looked at my boyfriend, the contours of his face and the wild mop of blond hair, slight stubble on his chin… I felt I was seeing him in a whole different light. He was no longer the boy I had fallen in love with. He was now the man I was in love with. A thrill ran through my heart as he glanced my way and smiled.
“What is it, Bri?”
“Just looking at you,” I answered softly. “Looking at how you’ve changed since last October.”
I raised my hand and touched his cheek, running my fingers down to his chin. He dipped his head and kissed them. I smiled back, and let the memories come.
Prior to getting back together with Pete, I would have been obsessed with what I viewed as a poor performance, but now, after being back together almost a year, I realized that everyone had made some mistakes, and the best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and put them behind you. This was a major paradigm shift for me, a person who had focused on all the pain the past had caused me for several years.
Pete’s departure from my life had devastated me. From the moment his homophobic bitch of a mother had ripped him away from me, I had focused on the pain of that separation and blamed my parents for not telling me he was leaving. I ran away from my home and was accepted into the home a friend, Chris Forn. He and his mother, Kathlene, did the best they could to keep me, a self-destructive angry teen, alive and sane. There came a time when I managed to put myself into the hospital because of my own stupidity, nearly starving myself and abusing my body to an absurd level. Chris found me and managed to get me to the emergency room in time to save my life. As I recovered, I came to the realization that Pete was forever out of my reach. I moved back home to live with my parents, but I found their presence stifling. As soon as I was able, I spent as much time away from home as possible. On a late October day in 1997, my father dropped another bombshell that nearly destroyed my family again.
Pete had been writing to me from the day he had left, sending the letters to my parents’ house. They, in their uncertainty, had chosen to conceal this fact from me and had hidden his letters from me. The only reason my parents gave me Pete’s letters was the fact Pete’s attorneys subpoenaed me to appear as a witness in Pete’s emancipation hearing, and I would find out anyway. Again, feeling terribly betrayed, I left to live with a family friend until it came time for me to travel for the court date, after which my parents agreed I could stay with Pete’s foster family.
After spending three months living with him and being a major asshole, I finally got my head on right for the most part. It took a chance meeting with a total stranger to make me realize I had a choice: I could dwell on the past and let it control my present and future, or I could put the past away and live my life the way I wanted to.
“You have that look, Brian,” Pete commented as he pulled into the driveway at the Patterson residence. He shut the engine down and turned to face me. “What are you thinking?”
“Oh, you know… the last year,” I sighed. “What’s happened since we got back together. Me being an asshole, you loving me anyway. Ray and Jason. Mom, Dad, Dawn, Danny… everything. Keith, Prez, Mike and Derrick, Corey and Drew. Mr. and Mrs. Hundser. Chris and Tony, Kathlene…”
“What got you started thinking about all that?” my boyfriend asked curiously.
“Looking at you and realizing you’re not the boy I fell in love with anymore,” I said softly, smiling.
“Huh?”
“We’ve changed,” I answered. “We’ve grown up. It’s not a bad thing, really; that’s just the way it is. And I was thinking that I can’t remember ever being as happy as I am right now.”
Pete’s eyes melted me right on the spot. His expression left no doubt of the effect my words were having on him. He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine for a long moment.
“Bri, if I wasn’t so sore, I’d take you upstairs and rape you right now.”
I laughed and countered, “You can’t rape the willing. Are you really that sore?”
“Ask me after I get out of the car and you have to pick me up off the driveway,” he replied with a chuckle.
Pete wasn’t kidding. He took his time getting out of the driver’s door and then half shuffled his way to the house. My concern grew when I saw him grimace as he stepped up onto the porch.
“Are you okay, babe?” I asked worriedly.
Pete nodded. “Nothing a hot bath and a good rubdown won’t take care of.”
“Let me help you upstairs and get the water running for you.”
“Thanks, Bri.” He leaned heavily on me as we climbed. “I took a couple of good shots tonight. I think my shoulder and back got tweaked.”
“That’s not good. I’ll put you in the tub and then get you some Tylenol.”
Once he was safely ensconced in the steaming water and I’d given him his medicine, I sat on the toilet watching him. He didn’t seem to want to talk much, and I was happy to give him his silence if that was what he wanted. He would open his eyes occasionally to find me still watching him, and he’d smile before closing his them again. He got out about twenty minutes after he had entered the tub because the water had gone tepid. I helped him stand and then dried him so he didn’t have to strain his back.
As I toweled his body, he said, “It’s hard to believe this is our last week in this house. We have to be out of here by next Saturday.”
“Yeah, and then you move in with me and my parents. That’s good and bad.”
“Good and bad?”
I hummed my confirmation. “Good because we don’t have to split our time between your place and mine, and bad because we won’t have as much privacy as I would like.”
“We just have to wait until everyone goes to bed, or at least your mom and sister, since your dad will be gone,” Pete stated. “Kevin and Ray don’t care.”
“Move your legs a bit. Thanks. Still, I hate that we’re going to have to be more careful now. Mom has gotten better, but even us holding hands makes her uncomfortable sometimes.”
“Brian, we have to live our lives,” Pete said flatly. “I’m not going to let your mom’s discomfort change the way I show my love for you. I still plan on kissing, hugging and cuddling you just like we do here. I’m sorry if she doesn’t like it, but I do and I know you do, too. She’ll just have to get used to it.”
“Okay. We’ll try.” I acquiesced to his assertion with a sigh.
“If your mom’s discomfort makes you uncomfortable too, then I guess I can hold back,” Pete sighed. “It’ll be really hard to do because we’ve never had to hold back before, and I love you so much.”
“We’ll try it your way first, and then play it by ear,” I said after a moment. “You’re right: I like cuddling.”
I wrapped the towel around Pete’s waist and tucked it in place. I helped him move into our bedroom and lie down before retrieving the Liquid Heat from the workout room. While he moaned in appreciation, I liberally applied the liniment and rubbed it in well. When I was done, Pete simply lay there relaxing for a while.
“Feeling any better, babe?”
“Tons. Thank you, baby. I really needed that.”
I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek.
“Any time. Hungry?”
“Starving,” Pete answered with an exaggerated groan. “That means I have to get up, though.”
“’Fraid so, babe. You want me to get you a plate and bring it up here?” I asked, ready to do just that if he wanted me to.
“No. I’ll come down. Help me up, would you?”
The remainder of the weekend was spent recovering from our battle wounds and packing things that would be going to the farmhouse. Everything else would be packed, moved and stored by the company Kevin hired. It took Pete and me a little over two hours to finish our room, and then we helped pack up Joanne’s things. Those, and what remained of Sharon’s belongings, would be shipped to wherever they were. Jason had already taken a lot of his things to the dorms with him when he had moved out for school, but he stayed to help pack the things that would go with us.
Pete and I moved to the farmhouse that Sunday night and got settled in so we wouldn’t have to worry about it the following week when we were trying to concentrate on football. Ray and Kevin said they would only be a few days behind us.
The household took on a melancholy tone as the day of my dad’s departure approached. My mom became more irritable and likely to snap at us when we did something she considered inappropriate. Dawn became moody and waspish, even more so than usual during her monthly cycle. Dad grew somber and withdrawn, as I would have had my boyfriend not been there to keep me more or less emotionally balanced.
Pete and I would retreat to our room when tempers began to flare, in order to keep relative peace. Sometimes Mom would even have a caustic jab about our withdrawal. I knew where it was coming from, so it didn’t bother me too much. Pete commented that he was impressed I wasn’t getting more upset. I told him that she was angry and sad that my dad was leaving, and she was dealing with it the best she could. His smile and hug told me I was doing something right.
As the week passed, Mom’s belligerence tapered off. By Wednesday, the day Ray and Kevin moved in, she was back to normal as far as Pete and I were concerned, but there was a definite sadness in her demeanor. Mom and Dad began to take time to themselves and spent it either in their room together or out somewhere. They were gone from Thursday morning until Saturday morning, having gone out to the beach and a bed and breakfast. I think we all recognized that my mother would not be herself for some time to come, perhaps until my father returned in late March, six months away.
Dawn began to adjust to the idea, but she too grew into a depressed state. She and I both felt the same way: we had just been reunited with our father, and now he would be gone for six months. My advantage was that I had Pete to help buffer some of the anxiety I was feeling. Dawn had Mom, but Mom had nobody. I resolved to help both of them deal with their feelings as best I could.
Kevin moved right in and took over the fatherly responsibilities as if things had always been that way. Granted, Ray and Pete, and I to a lesser extent, had been under his roof for quite a while, so only he and Dawn had to work out their peace. Kevin, true to form, developed an easy relationship with my sister in no time at all, managing to be as much of a friend to her as he could, while at the same time ensuring she knew that his authority extended to her. Mom and Dad both made it clear that Kevin spoke for them, and that we had better behave for him. Kevin made sure that we knew the reverse was true as well, and then asked Ray to confirm that he’d heard it, which he did.
My parents and Kevin had spent a long time talking to one another in the days leading up to the time my father was to leave. I had overheard some of their conversation, and what I had heard reassured me that they were aware of the challenges that would result from having two adults, who weren’t married to each other, in a house together, along with kids from each. I also heard my dad and Kevin speaking about the fact Kevin would be alone with my mother while my dad was away. Dad assured Kevin that he had his complete trust, and there were no reservations whatsoever about the living situation. Kevin in turn assured my father that he would take care of our family, since it was his family too. They embraced one another, and I snuck away so I wouldn’t embarrass them. With everything that happened in that short week, I felt better about my dad leaving for his training than I had when he had first mentioned the subject.
Saturday morning, Pete and I went to school to root on the JV squad in their game against Sunset High, a cross-town rival. The coaches decided against asking me to play in the JV game. I didn’t mind, because the week before I had felt somewhat drained by the JV game, and that had affected my play in the varsity game.
Pete and I got to the field fairly early and met up with a couple of guys from the varsity squad. We talked for a while before finding a place in the stands. Eddie Lasko, Todd Langley, Lee Krogh, Jesus Garza, and Blake Scoggins sat together as a group not very far from where Pete and I sat with Terry Green, Will Beck, and Tomas Garza. It wasn’t long until I started overhearing comments from the group next to us, obviously baiting me. I ignored them as long as I could, until Langley asked me a direct question.
“Hey Kellam, why aren’t you down there playing with the little kids?” he asked with a sneer.
I answered in an indifferent tone without looking at him. “Coach Folds wanted me to save my energy for the varsity game.”
I felt him stare at me for a moment before he turned back to his friends. I smiled to myself because I’d left Todd nothing to turn back on me.
I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder and heard Tomas say, “Don’t let them get to you.”
“They’re not, Tomas. The coaches said I belong on the varsity team, so I don’t care what they say.”
He squeezed my shoulder again and dropped his hand, just as Eddie Lasko made his attempt to get me riled up.
“Why would Folds want a bench warmer to save his energy? Any idea, Kellam?”
“Nope,” I responded in a bored voice. “Coach told me I’m starting at Will today, so it wouldn’t matter to me in any case.”
While Lasko chewed on that, the JV squad was running the ball down the field after a brilliant pass thrown by quarterback Sterling Beckett. The resulting touchdown brought the score to our twenty versus Sunset’s zero with less than a minute left in the second quarter. Tomas stood, motioning the rest of us to head out to the locker room to get ready for our game. As we walked, the halftime horn sounded, and we were soon being passed by the JV players running to the locker room for their halftime break.
A moment later, I felt a hand grab my arm, and I turned to confront my assailant. I was surprised to see Sterling grinning back at me.
“Hey guys!” he said excitedly. “Coach asked me to dress down for the varsity game!”
“That’s great!” Terry Green called with a grin. “I told you!”
“Yeah, you told me.” Sterling’s grin widened. “And I didn’t believe you.”
Terry answered, “Well, you better from now on. Expect to get some playing time, too. Lasko’s been bucking for the bench all week.”
“Naw,” Beckett demurred, “I’m happy I’ll be on the sideline, though.”
“Terry’s right, Sterling,” Pete rebutted. “You’ll get some time, especially if Eddie plays like he did last week.”
“Yup,” I agreed. “He’s not focused on the game. You’ll get your shot.”
“Thanks, guys!” Sterling gushed. “That means a lot to me.”
“Yup, it’s just like Kellam, here,” Tomas said, lightly cuffing me on the shoulder. “You’re good enough, and the coaches see it. You earned it, Sterling.”
Someone rammed his shoulder into mine as he passed. Langley looked back with a sneer as he walked on. I shook my head in aggravation, and then another blow hit me in the same place. This time I turned on my heel, already in a fighting crouch. Eddie Lasko stopped and squared off with me.
“Go for it, Kellam,” he taunted.
I backed off a step and stood up straight. “You aren’t worth my time, Eddie.”
I turned my back on him to rejoin the group and almost got run over by Coach Folds as he stormed toward Eddie. My friends and I turned to watch the confrontation.
“What the hell was that?” Folds raged. “Lasko, go home! You aren’t dressing down today. I’ve told you before, and I’m not telling you again. I won’t put up with any more of your bullshit. Now get out of here, and don’t bother coming back to practice until you grow up.”
Eddie stared at the man, his mouth open in surprise. He then snapped it shut, glaring at me. I watched him impassively. It wasn’t my fault he was an asshole.
“And don’t you go blaming Kellam for your stupidity, either,” Coach Folds warned him. “This is all you. I saw you go out of your way so you could hit him. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Get out of my sight.”
I turned away and continued walking toward the locker room, not waiting to see what Eddie did. No one said anything, but I could see barely-contained mirth on several faces around me. I sighed. I didn’t understand what I’d done to deserve the antipathy Eddie and his accomplices held toward me. Nothing I could think of explained it. All I did was play hard. Why did they feel the need to attack me? To make them feel better about themselves? Did they really think so little of themselves? I actually began to feel sorry for them.
When we’d gone about twenty yards, I heard Will whisper loudly, “Looks like you’re starting, Sterling.”
“Beckett!” Coach Folds bellowed after us. “You feel up to calling the signals?”
“Yessir!” Sterling yelled back, wearing the same grin he’d had since he’d joined us.
“Okay, then, you’re it. Get yourself changed.”
Sterling started jogging toward the clubhouse and suddenly jumped into the air and whooped loudly. We followed after him at a jog, laughing at his antics.
“I’d say he’s excited,” Terry deadpanned.
“Undoubtedly,” Pete replied, his voice sounding as flat as Terry’s.
We laughed again and went in to stuff our faces and change for the game.
Sterling put in a superb performance for his first varsity appearance. He teamed up with Pete, Terry and Tomas for four touchdown receptions, hitting eighty percent of his passes and having almost two hundred yards. Everybody played well, allowing us to run away with the game.
What surprised me most of all was that Lasko’s cohorts didn’t bother Sterling at all. I thought they would have, given that Beckett took Eddie’s place. Perhaps they took Coach Folds’ dismissal of Eddie as a warning.
After Pete and I had showered, the whole family; Mom and Dad, Dawn, Kevin and Ray, and Pete and I, went out to an Italian place for dinner. We acted like it was just another Saturday night instead of the night before my father’s departure for six months. Somehow it all seemed hollow. Even Ray’s quips were dulled somewhat.
When we got home, Mom and Dad retreated upstairs without another word. My mother had been putting on a brave face the entire evening. I had wanted to tell her that I knew what she was feeling, that she wasn’t alone, but I never got the chance. Dawn came up beside me and watched our parents disappear upstairs.
“How are you doing, Mugwump?” I asked as I put my arm around her shoulders.
“I’m going to miss Daddy,” she said plainly.
“We all are, kid, Mom most of all,” I replied. “We’re going to have to help her.”
“I know,” Dawn sighed.
“Hey,” I said, giving her a squeeze, “while Dad’s gone, you can talk to me if you need to. I know you sometimes feel more comfortable talking to Dad about certain things.”
“Yeah. It won’t be the same, though.”
“Would you really want me to be like Dad?”
“No, I guess not.” Dawn put on a half grin. “I can’t talk to him about boys, and I know you’ll understand about that.”
“I suppose I will, and I can help you understand where they’re coming from.”
“That would be nice, Brian.” She hugged me tightly, and I returned it.
I looked down at her for a moment and saw Pete standing back a bit, giving us some time. I gestured him to come over, and he put his arms around both of us.
“Hey, brat,” he said, greeting Dawn as though he hadn’t seen her in a couple days.
“Hi, Petey,” she said with another sigh, her lack of rebuttal a sure sign she was anxious.
“You can talk to Pete, too, you know,” I reminded her, “if you don’t want to talk to me or Mom. Or Kevin.”
“It won’t be the same,” she complained again.
“No, it won’t,” Pete commented, “but we’ll do the best we can to fill in for him, okay?”
She looked back over her shoulder, and then, for the first time I could recall, she embraced Pete fully. I felt my eyes moisten. When she released him, Pete’s eyes were moist as well.
“Love you, bro,” she said quietly.
“Love you too, brat,” Pete answered with a smile.
Dawn laughed and then lightly kicked Pete’s shin before racing up the stairs, staying just out of Pete’s reach.
Mom and Dad didn’t come down until the following morning. Pete and I were up early because we didn’t want to miss seeing my father off. Dawn came down with them, looking as though she hadn’t slept at all.
After breakfast, Pete and I helped Dad put his bags in the car. When he closed the trunk, he looked around at the house, barn and the pasture beyond underneath the lowering sky.
Without turning or looking at me, he said, “I’m going to miss you, son.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Dad,” I assured him. “We both are.”
He turned to face us, his eyes switching between Pete and me. He smiled. “With you two to look out for each other, I know everything will be fine here.”
“We’ll be okay, Dad,” Pete said, matching my father’s smile.
Dad moved forward and embraced Pete. Pete patted his back a couple of times, backed off with his smile still intact, and said to me, “I’ll be inside, Bri,” as he walked toward the house.
I met my dad’s gaze and looked at him for a long moment.
“Dad, I’m sorry for everything. I wish…”
“Like you said last week, son, it’s in the past. We need to move on from here.” Dad pulled me into a bear hug and then said in a rough voice, “I want you to take care of your mom and sister, okay?”
“We will, Dad. Don’t worry.” He tightened his embrace, and my throat tightened as well. I managed to say, “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, son. I love you so much. Don’t forget that, okay?”
“I won’t.”
Dad released me and pushed me out to arm’s length. He studied my face for a moment, and then hugged Dawn, who had come up behind us. I backed away while Dad made his farewell to her. She was crying when Dad released her, and ran back into the house without looking back. A light shower began to fall from the clouds.
Mom got into the back seat of the car, and Dad joined her after a last look around and a smile for Pete and me. Kevin started the car and backed out of the driveway, then turned for the frontage road and the freeway beyond. My dad waved at us through the back window as they pulled away. Pete put his arm around my shoulders as we waved back, and pulled me tighter as the car moved out of sight.
I whispered, “Goodbye, Dad,” through the tears that were waiting to fall.
I watched the road for a moment, waiting for the car to reappear and knowing it would not. Pete guided me back to the house as the rain came down in earnest, running down my face with my tears.
Copyright Notice - Copyright ©2004 by DeweyWriter Ltd.
This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or other forms known or unknown without the author’s express written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced.