Oklahoma

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William had been with Mike and Monica Dupree for the last seven months. It looked, by all accounts, that it was a good match. They really loved each other. William’s older foster brother, Shane, doted on the boy.

I remember when I first brought William to their home. He was as nervous as they were. This was his fifth foster home in the last two years. William was a good boy for a thirteen year old. He had started to grow about a year earlier, so his mood swings put off a lot of foster families, but when the Dupree’s came into the system, I took advantage of the fact they had their own teenager to deal with and placed William with them as soon as they were certified.

Shane and William took to each other that first day like peanut butter and chocolate. As we adults discussed the details, William came to us, breathless and flushed, but smiling.

“Do I really get to stay with them?” The Dupree’s looked at each other, then at their son, who was nodding so violently I thought he’d give himself whiplash. After a moment, they nodded to me.

“WOO HOO!” The child ran away jumping and screaming with joy, and tackled his new foster brother in his exuberance.

“Well,” said Mike, “That tears it. Looks like we have another son, hon.”

Hi! My name is William. I like Will, though. Mrs. Blaylock says I should write down my story so I can share it with other people. My Shrink says I should write it down so I can get this stuff out of my head and maybe not think about it so much.

When I was ten, my mom was killed in a car wreck. I was put into foster care. I was told she’d been drinking, but that was nothing new.

I remember when the cops knocked on my door to pick me up. Mom had left me home to fend for myself, as usual. Anyway, this big guy is standing outside and we’re yelling back and forth through the door. He gets really angry when I tell him to go away, or I’d wake up my mom. Of course he knew my mom wasn’t home, because she was dead. While I was arguing with the guy, his partner sneaks around the back and picks me up. I kicked and screamed, but it was no use.

When the door was finally opened, the big guy pulls out a pair of handcuffs and puts them on me. I kept kicking, so his partner puts my feet in those plastic tie-wrap thingies and held me until I calmed down. After I was still, he took the handcuffs and what he said were hobbles off, than sat me down.

He looked me in the eye, and said very calmly, “Billy, there’s been an accident. Your mom was hurt.”

“I don’t know,” he lied, “but I’m going to take you somewhere you can stay for awhile until we figure out what's going to happen.”

He stared into my eyes for the longest time before finally saying, “Yes, son. She died in the accident.”

There it was. I loved my mom, but she could be mean. There’d been plenty of times I’d wished she were dead, and I’d go live with my dad. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a dad. I’d find one. And now that she was dead, I couldn’t move. I didn’t feel like crying or anything. It was just this hole in my chest.

I sat there for a little bit, then said, “Okay. What now?” He gave me a strange look.

“I don’t have one. Never have.” He gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“Let’s go to your room and get a couple changes of clothes, your toothbrush, and anything else you want. I’m going to take you to a place where you’ll stay until they figure out where you’ll be later on.”

“I’m sure you can, Billy. But I have to take you with me. I have orders from my....”

“All right, Will. Let’s go get your things.” I didn’t move from the couch I was sitting on. “Come on. Do you want me to help you?

“No. I can do it.” He followed me to my room and watched as I put some stuff in my backpack. Another cop came in and dropped another gym bag on the floor by me.

“Thanks, but I’ll be back later on. This is my house after all.” The cops looked at each other kinda strange, like they knew something I didn’t. “What?”

“Will, it’s late. We have more work to do after we drop you off. Please hurry.” I glared at them, but they just looked back.

I finished packing my clothes and got a couple other things that I needed with me, and followed the big cop out to his car. He opened the passenger door for me, and I climbed in.

That’s how I left the only home I’d known. They tell me that anything of value is in storage for me somewhere, but I’m not sure I want it anymore.

Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I cuss my mom out, telling her how much I hate her for leaving me, and how much I hated her drinking, and how she got mean when she was drunk. After that, I cry because I miss her so much. I hate it, not knowing how I feel about her. One minute I want to forget all about her, pretend she never existed, and the next I want to feel her hug me just one more time.

Anyways, the system put me with a family for awhile, and we got along great until I started arguing with them and feeling bad all the time. They went to Mrs. Blaylock and told her to take me away, which she did. About a week later she took me to another house, then another, then another. All of those people didn’t like me. I was unhappy, and what they called moody. I argued with all of them, too.

None of those places had any kids my age. They had younger kids- I think the oldest was nine or ten- but for some reason they didn’t like me. I couldn’t help feeling the way I did, and none of them understood that.

One family took me to a psychiatrist, and he gave me these pills to take, but they made me feel weird and didn’t help my depression, as he called it. I stopped taking the pills about a month after I started them, and two weeks later, that family kicked me out.

The last place I stayed before the Dupree’s home was pretty nice. They put up with me for almost nine months, but then I guess I got to be too much for them, and Mrs. Blaylock took me away from them, too. At least they seemed to be sad when I left.

I stayed in a group home for awhile until she came and got me one day. We went over to a park where she introduced me to Mike, Monica, and Shane. Shane and I ran off while the adults talked. We played all sorts of stuff. He’d brought a football and a Frisbee so we threw them around for a while until I saw Mrs. Blaylock call me over.

I asked if I could stay with them, and she said yes! I was so excited that I tackled Shane! We started wrestling around, and since he was bigger and stronger than me, he pinned me without too much trouble.

“Nah. That means I get to pick on you!” He grabbed my hands and held them while he pounded two fingers into my chest. “Like this!” I couldn’t stop laughing! He let me up a few minutes later and walked toward the adults, but I took him down again around the knees. “Is that how you want it, squirt? Okay then!” Once more we rolled around in the grass, but this time he had a harder time getting a hold on me.

We stopped only because Monica yelled at us, saying something about grass stains. I had such a good time that day. I never really had much chance to play rough and it not be a fight anywhere else, and it felt good.

Mrs. Blaylock drove me to their house after we left the park. It was a single story house, but it looked huge. For some reason, when the time came to get out of the car, I couldn’t. I just sat there, scared that I would mess this one up just like I had the others, and that they wouldn’t want me any more. The Dupree’s stood on the porch watching me, but I couldn’t get out. I was so scared.

“Honey, you’re growing into a man. Sometimes when boys go through these changes, they become difficult to deal with. They have mood swings and they get depressed.”

“So, they’re not going to kick me out because I get angry sometimes and argue?”

She laughed. “Look up there. You see that boy? He’s going through the same things you are. He might have gone through them already, so he could even be able to tell you what to expect.”

“If you want to go in, honey, then go in. It might be scary, but it’s only scary at the beginning. You know that.”

“Then we take you back to the group home and try to find someone else to take you in.”

I sat there for another minute or so, just watching them. Mike pulled Monica and Shane to him, and hugged them both. What would it be like to be hugged by my father, I wondered. None of the other fathers really hugged me in the families I’d stayed with before. Maybe Mike could be my dad, and Monica my new mom? I never had a brother, and none of the families I’d stayed with had any boys even close to my age. All right, I thought to myself, I’ll do it.

Opening the door, I got out and stood at the curb, looking around, taking in the clear sky and the air warmed by the summer sun, the trees and birds flying from perch to perch, memorizing every little detail. Finally, I walked to the porch, where I stared into their eyes. Each of them stared back, and Shane even gave me a slight smile. I stepped up onto the porch, just standing in front of them. After a moments hesitation, they took me in their arms and welcomed me home for the first time.

The house was pretty big. It had three bedrooms. I took the last empty one. Two spare rooms had been combined by knocking out a wall between them, and was set up as a playroom/game room with a huge TV and entertainment center. They had a pool table set up and a ping pong table folded up in a corner. The room was way cool.

After dropping my stuff in my bedroom... I like that. MY bedroom... I put my stuff in my bedroom and we sat down in the living room to get to know each other a bit more.

They lived in a town outside of Albuquerque called Rio Rancho. Mike was an electrician working for a private company in town, while Monica worked part-time at their church. Both seemed happy with their jobs. I never heard them complain in the time I spent with them.

I found out that Shane was the only child of their own they could have, because the doctors had to take out Monica’s uterus to save her life when he was born. They’d always wanted another kid, but adoption of a baby was too expensive and had too many risks, they said, so they decided to become a long-term foster family instead. Shane was even excited by it.

In the other families I was in, all the kids got jealous of me and the time their parents spent with me. That was part of the reason they all abandoned me. But Shane was different. He seemed to like having me around to talk to and play with. He taught me a lot of stuff too, but if you think I’m gonna write it in here, forget it! It’s not for anyone to know but us. So there.

Anyways, me and Shane spent that summer doing everything we could! We lived quite a ways out of town, so we stayed close to home. They had motorbikes and dirt bikes, they had a swimming pool, too! And with everything else in the game room, we were set.

Mike and Monica left Shane to kid-sit me when they were at work, but it was never like he was ‘in charge’ of me. The only time he really had to tell me what to do was to get me to clean up my room, because Monica told him too. He helped a little bit, too.

We’d talk a lot, too, about what it was like to be a foster kid, and what I’d done at the other places I’d stayed. The he asked me a question I’d been asking myself since before my mom killed herself.

“Yeah. I think I’d have to.” Shane kept playing the Play Station game while I thought for a minute. “I dream about him.” He looked at me. “My dad. I dream about him sometimes.”

Shane paused the game. “Really?” I nodded. “What’s he look like in your dreams?”

“I don’t remember. Every time I have the dream, I try to look at him, so I can see his face, but I never do. All I see is the back of his head or something.”

“He’s tall, taller than your dad. And he’s in good shape. It’s like he works out. He wears jeans, a plaid shirt and cowboy boots. He has short hair the same color as mine. Sometimes I see him mowing the lawn or something. He’s tanned all over, like he works outside a lot. I remember hearing the radio in the background and him singing along to it. He has a deep voice, but not really deep.”

“Nothing. I just stand there and watch him. When I try to run up to him and hug him, the dream ends before I get to him.”

I nodded. “It’s like, I’m so close, but then I lose him. Besides, it’s only a dream. I can wish for it, but it’ll never happen.”

“Maybe.” I picked up the controller and restarted the game. I hated thinking about that dream. It was depressing.

Shane’s friends came over every now and then to do what they did. They spent most of the time in the game room. I felt weird being around them since I was younger and didn’t know them, so I spent a lot of that time in my room reading.

One time, Shane came and invited me in to join them. They had five people and needed a sixth for doubles ping pong. I went with him and met his friends. Shane told them I was his brother when he introduced me. One of his friends said, “Foster brother, you mean.” What he said didn’t bother me, but it bothered Shane.

The guy held his hands out, saying, “Whoa, chill out, man! I didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry. Really.”

“Okay. You okay, Will?” I nodded. “Okay. Pick your partners. And fair warning: Will beats me more than half the time.”

“That don’t mean nothing. My grandma could beat you half the time, and she’s in a wheelchair.” Everyone cracked up.

Time went on. About three months after I got there, school started. I was going to be an eighth grader, and Shane in the ninth. We’d be going to the same school, which was cool. We even shared a couple of classes, like PE and Math. I liked math, and was really good at it, so I was taking a ninth-grade class. The PE class had seventh- through ninth-graders in it, which was different from anything I’d been in before.

I made some friends during school. I even met another foster kid my age, but she was a girl. She’s cool and all, but I don’t want a girlfriend. Not right now.

Monday, January 17, 2000. I remember the date. I remember the time, too: 4:25 PM. Shane and I came home from school and saw Mrs. Blaylock’s car in the driveway. She usually came on Friday, but it was a Monday. Strange. Another strange thing was Mike and Monica were both home from work. Mike usually got home around six.

As soon as Shane and I walked in the door, I knew something was up, as if the cars hadn’t tipped me off. They were sitting in the family room. Mike and Monica were holding each other like they’d been given some bad news. Mrs. Blaylock watched me like she was expecting something.

“Boys,” Mike said in a shaking voice, “can you please come in here? We need to talk.” They were going to take me away. I just knew it. I started tearing up. I couldn’t remember anything I’d done wrong. Maybe they just didn’t like me. They were good actors; I believed they did.

I half ran to the bathroom, dried my eyes and washed my face, and got ready to be kicked out. When I opened the bathroom door, Mike was waiting for me. I started crying again and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry! Tell me what I did and I’ll never do it again! I promise! Don’t make me go away! Please!” Mike held me tightly, stroking my hair, trying to quiet me down. God, it felt so good, just like I imagined it would feel if my dad hugged me.

“Shhhh, Will. Everything is going to be okay. Hush now. We’re not going to make you go away.” I looked up at him through my own tears to find he was crying, too. I hugged him tighter, making him grunt. “We need to talk to Mrs. Blaylock now. Can you handle it?”

Backing off, I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and snuffled. “Yeah. I think so.” I got some Kleenex out of the bathroom, blew my nose and dried my eyes again.

In the family room, Monica was holding Shane, who wore a scared look. I don’t think he knew what was going on either. I sat between Mike and Monica, making the couch very crowded.

“I have some news for you.” News? About what? My mom was dead. “We found a man in Oklahoma. He knew your mom, William.”

“We asked him to take a blood test, and he agreed. William, we found your father.”

“Your father is in Oklahoma. He never knew that your mom had you. We showed him pictures of you. You look just like him.”

I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. My dad. They found my dad! They found my dad? What did that mean for me? What did that mean for Mike and Monica? For Shane? What about school? My things?

I had too much to take with me in a car or on a plane. How would I get all of it there? Did I want to go? I loved my foster family! I don’t want to leave them! How can I leave them? I don’t even know this man they think is my dad. What was his name? Is he anything like the man in my dreams? What’s he like? What if he’s like my mom? What if he’s a drunk like my mom was, and gets in a wreck and leaves me all alone again?

Oklahoma. I’ve never been there. Never even been close. What was it like there?

Mike and Monica both hugged me at once, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t! My dad. They knew where my dad was!

“We talked for a little while. I showed him some of your pictures, and he cried. He had no idea you’d been born, William. He said he would have been here had he known it.”

Mrs. Blaylock smiled. “Don’t be scared, my child. I’ll let you know what we know about your father.”

The day came to go to Oklahoma. William sat on his packed suitcase. He looked so scared and unhappy. His foster parents were making sure that he had everything, trying to delay the inevitable. I waited patiently, knowing this was going to be very difficult for everyone.

At 15, Shane couldn’t understand why William had to leave, and refused to come out to say goodbye. I suspect that he just didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. Mike and Monica were standing nearby, comforting each other, supporting each other.

William turned his troubled gaze to me. “I don’t want to go. This is my home.”

“I’m sorry honey,” I said, “but we don’t have a choice. He’s your father, and he has custody of you by law. We have to go.”

“Will,” Mike said in a quiet voice, “You have to go! It’s your father! This is what you always wanted!”

“Listen to him, Will,” Monica added. “It’s not fair for us to try and keep you, when your father wants you.”

“Oh, baby...” The three of them joined in a tight embrace, crying quietly. A few minutes later, I had to break them up, as much as I would have preferred to leave them alone.

William’s sobs were obviously not going to stop that easily. Rather than turning to me, he ran to the bathroom and shut the door.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I know how much he means to you. I’ll leave his address and phone number so you can stay in contact. His father insisted that I do so.”

A moment later, the bathroom door opened, but William disappeared down the hall, returning shortly thereafter. Tears were still flowing freely down the boy’s face, his eyes red and puffy. “I’m ready. Goodbye. Thank you for everything.”

Once again Mike and Monica embraced him, but only for a moment. “We’ll call and write, okay? We have your number and address.”

“I know he loves you too, Will. It hurts him so much that you’re leaving...”

“I know.” William picked up his heavy suitcase and walked to the door. “Bye,” he said, and then walked out to the car without a backward glance.

I shook Mike and Monica’s hands. “You don’t know how much staying with you meant to him. Thank you.”

“Oh,” said Mike, “I think we have some idea. Let us know he’s there, and safe.”

We backed out of the driveway and started down the street, William watching the house all the way. Suddenly he screamed “STOP!” scaring me half out of my wits. Before I could stop him, he was out of the car running back to the Dupree’s home.

In the rear view, I saw why. Shane was chasing after us. The two boys met in the middle of the street, falling into each other’s embrace. It was a long, hard hug. When they separated, they exchanged a few words, and then Shane ran back into his house, no doubt weeping heavily. William, walked slowly to the car, head down, hands in his pockets, shoulders shaking. When he sat down, he buckled his seatbelt, and silently looked out his window the rest of the way to the airport, snuffling occasionally. He didn’t speak on the flight, either.

We landed in Oklahoma City about noon. It was an hour long drive to Mr. Reid’s home. On the way there, William was again silent, either reading Mr. Reid’s file or looking out the window, waiting for fate to unite him with his father.

I can’t believe how much it hurt to leave them behind. It felt like it was ripping me apart. I really loved them, but at the same time, I wanted to see what my dad was like.

When we were driving away, Shane came tearing out of the house after us. I yelled for Mrs. Blaylock to stop the car, and as soon as she did, I ran back to meet Shane. He hugged me tightly when we met, not even letting me breathe. We were both crying.

When he finally let up, he said, “Promise me you’ll write and call. Promise!”

“I love you, too, Will. Take care of yourself.” He released me and ran back into the house before I could say anything more.

I got in the car and stared out the window at nothing in particular. All I could think about was Shane’s hug, and that he said he loved me. That was the only time he’d ever said it. I was going to miss him. I was going to miss all of them.

I read the file Mrs. Blaylock had given me on my dad and his family. His name was William, but he went by Bill. He was divorced and remarried, Having custody of his two sons from his first marriage. They were eleven and nine, named Trevor and Brendan. He owned a very successful construction company, and had a fifty acre ranch with horses.

After reading it about fifteen times, I had it memorized. The pictures showed they all looked like me; we were definitely related.

I put the file down and realized we’d be there in fifteen minutes. I began to worry. Would they like me? Would he look at me and then say, “Nope, not mine?” Would he even be nice?

I held my breath as we drove down the street to the fifth house on the left. Standing in front of the house was a man, working on a lawn mower. He did look like me. Then I couldn’t see anymore because of the tears. He really was my DAD!

The car stopped in the driveway, but I wasn’t paying attention. All that mattered was that man standing there, waiting for me. Without thinking about it, I opened the car door and stood up, still staring. I couldn’t move any further.

The man came over to me and took my hand. His eyes were the darkest green, just like mine. He smiled and brushed my hair back out of my eyes.

Tears fell from his eyes as his arms surrounded me. “Welcome home, son, welcome to your home in Oklahoma.