Life From A Distance

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Twenty-Seven

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It was incredible what Ed and Liz acknowledging Ian’s and my relationship did. Not only did my boyfriend and I feel comfortable enough to be ourselves, but we felt comfortable enough to openly display our affection for one another. Murray chuckled when he saw us share a kiss the first couple of times, and then he would turn his head and try to hide his grin. We didn’t take offense: we knew he was happy for us, so we didn’t make an issue of it.

Momtwo and Dadtwo looked on with fond amusement when Ian and I would become demonstrative, and clear their throat when they thought we were going beyond the realm of polite company. More often than not, Ian and I would blush and cool it off a bit, but sometimes we retreated to Ian’s room. The remarkable part of the whole situation was that no one in the whole Kettenger family ever made us feel ashamed of the love Ian and I shared.

Mom and Dad, for their part, had no clue what was really happening. Because Ian, Mike and I had spent a lot of time together before Mike died, it was only natural that I would spend a lot of time with Ian after Mike died. Even so, Ian and I were very careful when we were at my house to contain ourselves and give my parents no reason to suspect there was more between us than a platonic friendship. We had a couple of close calls when Mom or Dad would knock and open the door at the same time, but fortunately all we were doing at the time was kissing. I complained to both of my parents that I was getting older and I needed more privacy than I had in the past. They listened to what I said and promised they would do better.

My parents’ relationship was remained unsettled. Through July and into the end of August, they were still fighting regularly. It was a matter of course that I would leave for Ian’s the moment they started up, which was pretty much every night. I spent more time at Ian’s than I did in my own home. I was a permanent fixture at their house. It would have been more appropriate to call Ian’s place my home and my own house a place I visited on occasion to say hello.

My therapist addressed this issue regularly. Dr. Brittain also kept asking me about my sexuality, which made me incredibly uncomfortable. One day toward the end of August, she was especially persistent in pursuing that topic. I had finally taken enough of her baiting and snapped at her.

Dr. Brittain had been badgering me for over half and hour, she outright asked me, “Ben, are you gay?”

I angrily retorted. “Are you?”

“Yes, I am,” she replied calmly.

I looked at her for a moment and then shook my head. “I thought you might be. Your pictures…”

“I was wondering when you were going to ask me, Ben,” she said. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because it’s none of my business. And I didn’t know how to ask.” I admitted.

“Will you answer my question now?”

“Why do you need to know?” I queried, wary of her motivations.

“Because it makes a difference in your psychology. If I started asking you questions about boys and you aren’t gay, then that would be wrong. If you are gay and I ask about girls, that would be just as wrong.”

“I don’t get it,” I informed her. “What does being gay or straight have to do with my parents?”

“Look at it this way,” she explained. “If you are gay, there are a whole range of other issues that come into play, such as whether or not you accept your sexual identity, what you believe your parents will do if they find out, whether or not you have a boyfriend, whether or not his parents know, whether he accepts his identity, whether his parents accept you….”

I acknowledged her point, saying, “Okay, okay. I get the idea.”

“So it does make a difference. And it is perfectly okay if you don’t know if you are straight, gay, or in between. Some boys don’t figure that out until well into their twenties.”

“You already know the answer, don’t you?” I charged. “You wouldn’t keep asking if you didn’t.”

“I have a suspicion, but I won’t know for sure until you tell me.”

“What about my parents?” I inquired.

“What about them?” Dr. Brittain returned calmly.

“Will you tell them?”

She smiled. “I told you before that I will tell them in general terms how I believe you are coping with the situation, or if I consider you to be a threat to yourself or others. Your sexual identity does not qualify for either of those. It is a private thing and it would be unethical of me to tell them.”

“Is that a ‘no’?”

She nodded. “That is a ‘no’. However, if you, for example, become suicidal as a direct result of your perceived identity, I will be forced to tell them.”

“I don’t know how they’ll react. Mom and Dad, I mean.”

“React to you being gay?” she asked, and I nodded. “It’s a common fear that children have. I can’t answer that question right now, Ben. I can try to find out for you while I talk with them, but I won’t know for sure.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

I felt a smile lift my face. “Yeah. His name is Ian. When Mike was still alive, he was our best friend. Now I guess he’s my best friend and boyfriend all in one.”

“Ah. So that’s how he fits in. How does he treat you?” she asked in an off-handed manner.

“Huh?”

She clarified, “Is he mean to you?”

“No. Never.”

“Do you like his family?”

“Uh huh,” I replied. “They’re like my second family. Ed and Liz -- we used to call them Dadtwo and Momtwo – they’re who I go to when my mom and dad are fighting. They’re great. Ian has a younger brother, too. His name is Murray, but we call him Ray or RayRay most of the time. They’re all great.”

“It sound like you really care for them,” Dr. Brittain observed with a smile.

“I do,” I confirmed with a smile of my own. “If something happened to Mom and Dad, I’d want to live there.”

“Do Ian’s parents know about Ian and you?”

“Yeah, and that’s what’s so great,” I said excitedly. “They let us be ourselves, you know? They let us hug and kiss and hold each other’s hands.”

She then asked, “What about sex?”

“Um, what about it?”

“Do you and Ian have sex?” Dr. Brittain asked in her unflappable manner.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” I replied, embarrassed. “We do things.”

She smiled again. “You don’t have to tell me the specifics, Ben. Do Ed and Liz know you have sex?”

“Yeah. Ed kind of caught us. But they’re okay as long as we’re alone.”

“It sounds like you have a very good relationship with Ian’s family.”

“I think so, too,” I agreed, and then said with a sour tone, “Better than I do with Mom and Dad.”

“Your mother and father love you, Ben,” the counselor said with certainty. “They are struggling to see if they can still live with each other. Unfortunately, you get caught in the crossfire. Have you ever heard your parents use you as a weapon?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Do either of them threaten to take you away from the other and not let them see you?” Dr. Brittain’s expression was intense.

“I’ve never heard that, no. Do you think that’s what’s going on?” I inquired, alarmed at the implication.

“I don’t know, Ben, and I don’t mean to worry you,” she said in a reassuring tone. “It is something that can occur when adults are contemplating a divorce. That does not mean that is happening between your parents, nor should you assume that it is.”

“Okay.”

“It’s too early to draw any conclusions as to what the specifics are that your mother and father are fighting about. They haven’t told me, and they haven’t told you anything other than what you’ve mentioned so far…” and she waited for a confirming head shake, “…so we’re in the dark. All we can do is help you to be prepared no matter what happens.”

“Which is?”

“You already know the answer to that,” she said gently. “Either they reconcile and stay together, or they separate. I want to make sure you are prepared for either eventuality, Ben.”

“How am I supposed to prepare for my parents getting a divorce?” I asked bluntly.

“You are already doing that,” Dr. Brittain commented. “These sessions are part of it, but preparing for your parents’ possible separation isn’t the only reason you are here.”

“Okay, now I’m confused. I thought I was here to help me deal with my brother’s death.”

“You are. You are also here to talk about other things that bother you, whether you have a problem with being gay, coming out, or are getting bullied at school, your parents, Ian -- anything. I am here to help you, Ben, in whatever way I can.

“Is there something else you’d like to talk about?” she asked me, and when I didn’t answer, she requested, “Why don’t you tell me about Mike.”

I stared at her for a moment, contemplating my response.

Well, go on. Tell her about me, you putz -- but only tell her the good things.

In my minds eye I could see my brother with his sardonic grin, daring me.

“Okay,” I answered Dr. Brittain, the smile on my face a direct response to my brother’s spirit. “But only the bad things.”