Life From A Distance

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Twenty-Five

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I awoke several times throughout the night, sometimes simply opening my eyes, and other times nearly jumping out of my skin from the night-terrors that plagued me. Every time I did, Ian was there to bring me back into the real world with quiet words and a gentle hug. He held me close while my breathing calmed and my racing pulse slowed to normal. By sunrise I was exhausted, and I knew that there was no way I was going to get back to sleep, so I carefully crept out of bed without waking the boy who was my rock.

Dadtwo was awake and reading the paper when I entered the kitchen. The coffee pot was half full. I took what was remaining in a huge mug and put another pot on to brew. Ed silently watched me as I moved through the kitchen. It was obvious he was gauging me, trying to discern my state of mind. I glanced at him briefly and gave him a half-hearted smile before opening the sliding door in the family room and going outside.

The morning air was cool for the moment, the previous day’s heat having evaporated through the night. I sat on the steps leading from the deck to the back lawn and listened to the birds sing. The smell of orange blossoms floated on the morning breeze, reminding me of happier times spent with my family- spent with my twin. A stray thought brought him to life in my mind.

Hi Ben.

“Hi, Mike,” I whispered.

How are you doing?

I shrugged as though he could see me. “I’ll survive.”

Yeah, you will. No matter what, you’ll make it through. There was conviction in the tone of the ghostly mental voice.

“Will mom and dad make it?” I asked.

I don’t know, Ben.

“I don’t know, Ben,” said Ed from behind me.

I jumped at the first sound of his voice, spilling half of my coffee in my lap. Ed had opened the door and stepped out while I was talking to Mike without my noticing. I wondered again if my brother’s shade was real or if he was some delusional fantasy come to haunt me.

“Don’t sneak up on me!” I gasped, standing as a reflex from the hot liquid in my crotch.

“I’m sorry, lad. I thought you were talking to me.”

I stared at him, uncertain what to say.

“Ben,” he said carefully, “are you feeling all right?”

“What?” I responded like an idiot, still in a daze.

“I asked you if you’re feeling all right,” he repeated, a slight frown betraying his concern.

The question made me angry. He knew exactly what had happened and he asked me if I was feeling okay. It was a stupid, asinine question that didn’t deserve an answer, but my emotions, already churning from the events at home and a lack of rest, boiled over.

“What do you think?” I snapped. “My parents hate each other. They fight constantly, even in front of my friends, they both say it doesn’t concern me, but use my name in their arguments, and I don’t want to be in my own house anymore! Do I feel all right? What the fuck do you think?”

I knew I had gone too far. Ed was not the object of my anger, but he was a convenient target who had pushed me beyond the limits of my endurance.

I glared at him for a moment longer, and then looked away. When the expected rebuke did not come, I looked back toward him. He took the two steps that separated us, placed his hand on the back of my head and pulled me to him. When he spoke, it was in a soft voice filled with compassion.

“Of course you’re not, son. It was a daft question for me to ask. I’m sorry.”

I struggled to maintain my composure. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I had shed enough tears over the whole situation. What I needed was something, indeed anything, to distract me. I asked for the first thing that came to mind. I looked up at him, hoping he would agree.

“Dad, can you take me to see Mike today?”

“Of course, Ben.” He embraced me firmly for a moment, and then let me go. “Did you burn yourself?”

“No,” I answered. “It wasn’t that hot.”

“Good. Go change your clothes so we can wash those,” Ed directed.

As I walked into the house, I stopped and turned to face him once again.

“Dad? I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

He smiled and said, “I know you are, Ben, and I understand.”

On impulse, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He returned the embrace warmly, and then once again told me to change my shorts. I walked away, still not feeling all right, but feeling a little better.

The Kettenger men and I arrived at the cemetery just past noon. Ian and I sat in the back seat on the way there. He took a risk and held my hand for a bit. It made me uncomfortable even though I knew Ed would have to turn around to see us. However, I did not pull away. I needed the contact.

Ed had not mentioned my parents, nor had he given me an indication of when I was to go home. It was the last thing I wanted to do, and I knew it was inevitable. The purpose for visiting Mikey’s grave was murky at best, even in my own mind. It might have been as simple as missing him, or it might have been an attempt to get away from my parents in some way.

When we got there, Ian, Ray, and their father let me go on to Mike’s grave alone for a few minutes of private thought. As I knelt down, I listened for any echoes of Mike’s specter in my head, and heard nothing.

“Hi Mikey,” I said softly as I looked down on his headstone. “Guess you know what’s happening. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m really lost right now. Mom and dad… they don’t care anymore. I don’t want them to fight. I don’t want them to hate each other. I don’t want to feel like this, like I don’t have a home.”

But you do, Benji. You have a place with mom and dad. You have a place with Ian and Rayray and Momtwo and Dadtwo.

“Home isn’t my home. Not with mom and dad yelling and screaming. Not without you. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t… if you hadn’t died.”

You know I’m with you, Ben, just in a different way.

“Are you happy where you are?” I asked, looking up into the blue cloudless sky.

Not when I see you like this, Benji.

“Mike, I can’t take much more of this.”

You’ll get through it okay.

“It’s too much,” I said on the verge of tears. “I’m going to go crazy. God, I feel so alone…”

I heard the shuffling of feet behind me.

“You’re not alone, Ben,” Ian said softly. “You’ve got me.”

I looked at the boy kneeling next to me, and was alarmed by the stress displayed in his young face. Ian, once again, was there when I needed him. I reached out and pulled him to me, embracing him. His arms surrounded me and returned the hug. I felt other arms go around me from behind, and another set from the side.

You’re never alone, Ben.

“You’re never alone, Ben.” Ed said quietly, and he was echoed by his sons.

We stayed there for a short while, sharing stories of Mike’s life. For me it was a bitter-sweet time. When the time to leave came, I told Mikey I would see him later. I’m sure he would have been smiling.

That night, after dinner, Ian and I went to bed early. We undressed and got in bed, I lay facing him and resting my head on Ian’s shoulder while he ran his hand lazily up and down my side. My other arm was draped over his stomach, providing the contact I needed.

“Ben,” Ian whispered after a period of silence, “I love you.”

I looked up into his eyes and replied, “I love you too, Ian.”

He smiled and I pushed myself up to kiss him. Ian met me half-way, pressing his lips to mine. Our teen-aged lust overwhelmed us, and we spent the night playing in each other’s arms. The entire time I had the feeling that someone was watching us. It was Mike I imagined smiling down on us. Once he had asked me to love Ian for both of us, and that is what I did.