Life From A Distance

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Twenty-Two

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Not more than two weeks after they promised to try and work things out, my parents were fighting again. Most of the time I tried to stick it out in my room, playing music with the volume turned up and reading Mike’s journal. My brother’s shade visited me occasionally, usually when I was at my lowest point emotionally during one of mom and dad’s more raucous fights.

I don’t know how he managed it, but Mike had squirreled away a number of pictures I didn’t recall ever seeing. There was a series of six photos that were taken a few years prior when we were up at Big Bear Lake during the first part of summer. I remembered the day very well.

Mike and I had been playing in the shallows, working up to going deeper in the cold water. We habitually wore different color trunks if for no other reason than to help people tell us apart at a distance. I wore blue and my brother wore red.

For whatever reason, I decided to splash Mike in a big way. The first picture in the series displayed myself with an evil grin, hands in the water ready to splash my twin a second time. Mike stood half bent over in knee deep water, his shoulders thrust forward, wearing a completely shocked expression.

The next picture, mounted just below the first in the journal, showed Mike burying his shoulder into my gut, driving me backward. The mischievous smile on Mike’s face matched the grin I had worn in the picture above. With an involuntary shudder I remembered how frigid the water had been when we first got in that day.

As I looked at the next picture, I had to laugh out loud. I had managed to get out of my brother’s grasp after a brief struggle, and in my hand was a bright red pair of swimming trunks I had removed from my twin. I could almost hear him screaming after me as he half stood in the water, hiding his groin but showing enough skin that he was obviously naked in the photo.

I frowned as I noticed a bruise visible on my side in the picture, and then remembered that not more then three days before that picture was taken, my dear brother had intentionally clipped my back tire while we were riding to the park. It caused me to wobble and eventually take a spill, landing on the crossbar of the handlebars. I smiled a bit wider as I recalled that I had splashed Mike as payback.

On the next page, the fourth picture showed a rear shot of Mike chasing after me with his bare butt exposed, and me only a step ahead of him. He managed to tackle me in the next picture, and had wrapped his arms around my waist. His red shorts floated unnoticed in the water nearby as my brother concentrated on removing my trunks. The last picture showed Mike and I standing arm in arm, both of us smiling widely. As always, Mike had not held a grudge against me for pantsing him.

I sat back, basking in the pleasant memories evoked by the pictures. Mike had always brought out the worst and the best in me. My brother and I got into all kinds of trouble, but it was always together. The worst punishment our parents had ever devised for us was to put us in separate rooms. We hated being separated, even for the smallest amount of time.

“And now I’m alone,” I said softly to myself, my good mood evaporating.

You’re never alone, Benji, came the invisible voice that may or may not be my brother. You have Ian and RayRay and Momtwo and Dadtwo.

“What about mom and dad?” I asked timidly. “Shouldn’t they be here for me too?”

Yeah, but they’re dealing with their issues right now. You know that.

“When is it my turn?” I asked plaintively, my voice raising with my distress.

Mom and dad are pretty self-involved right now. You may have to fight for that, Bro.

“I hate fighting!” I yelled to the shade in my mind.

My bedroom door opened and my father stuck his head in.

“Who are you yelling at, Ben?”

“No one.” I said, dropping my eyes to the journal sitting in my lap.

Dad’s eyes followed mine. He came in, shut the door, and sat beside me. I tried to close the book, but dad stopped me with a gentle gesture. He shifted the journal over a bit and looked over the six pictures there. A smile crossed his lips as he absorbed the images.

“You and Mike were always into something,” he commented quietly. “And you never fought, or if you did, it wasn’t for very long. Did you know me and your mom went to see a psychologist because we were worried that you and your brother wouldn’t be able to make friends?”

I shook my head.

“The counselor said you two would adjust when you started school,” he continued. “We were still worried until the two of you met Ian. He opened you guys up to other people.”

I nodded.

“You and he seem to be spending a lot of time together. That’s good. It’s not good for you to sit in here and brood, Ben.”

I said nothing. The silence grew between us.

“Ben, your mom and I are trying. We really are.”

“But you still fight all the time!” I exclaimed, scrambling off the bed and standing up. “I hate hearing it! Don’t you understand? I hate it!”

“I know you do, son,” dad replied earnestly. “We hate it, too, and we’re working with our counselor to work things out. It’s not a switch we can flip, son. It’s not going to change over night.”

“What are you fighting about?”

The question seemed to pull my dad up short. He stared at me intently before answering.

“It’s private between me and your mother. You aren’t involved.”

I shouted, “I am too! I hear you two all the time, I hear my name all the time, I hear Mike’s name all the time! How can you say I’m not involved?”

“It’s about the relationship your mom and I share, and nothing else,” he said adamantly.

“I don’t believe that, Dad! You guys are fighting about me all the time.”

“Ben…” Dad started as he stood.

“No! I hate your fighting, and I know the truth: it’s my fault! You and mom don’t love each other anymore and it’s my fault! I was there when Mike died, and it’s my fault!”

Ben, that’s stupid!

“That’s ridiculous!” My father spat.

“No it’s not! It’s not stupid! It’s the truth!

Dad came around to stand in front of me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I flinched.

“God damn it, Ben, you aren’t responsible for any of that!” He knelt and looked up at me, his eyes piercing mine. “Ben… son… You have to believe that. It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes these awful accidents just happen.”

“No! It has to be me!”

“No, son, it doesn’t.”

Tears came to my eyes as I met the man’s gaze. “Why can’t it be my fault, dad? Blame me and make it go away! Please? I just want it to go away!”

My father wrapped me in his arms as the tears ran down our faces.

“God how I wish I could bring Mike back, son, but I can’t, and it wasn’t your fault.”

“It has to be somebody’s fault!” I cried.

Then it’s my fault, Benjamin, said my twin’s shade.

“If it’s anybody’s fault, then it is Mike’s fault, Ben,” my father said, his tone hard.

“No! I can’t accept that!”

He pushed me back far enough to look into my eyes.

“Son, whether you accept it or not, Mike made the choice to follow you,” Dad said flatly. “You did something unbelievably stupid and got away with it. Mike didn’t. It’s that simple.”

“No!”

Yes, Benji.

“Yes, Benjamin. That is what happened. That is the reality, and we’re just going to have to deal with it,” he stated with a terrible finality.

I stared at him, on the verge of crying once more, but another thought sobered me.

“I still don’t believe you.”

“What?” My dad said with confusion.

“You still blame me. That’s why you’re always arguing with mom about me.”

Dad sighed. “Ben, I explained that.”

“No, you lied about that.”

“No, I didn’t,” he sternly asserted.

“Then what are you fighting with mom about?”

He stared at me, gaze meeting gaze.

“I’m sorry son, I can’t tell you, but I will say, again, that you aren’t involved.”

I pulled away from him and sat back on the bed, staring at the wall. It wasn’t long before dad left, closing the door quietly behind him.