Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Fifteen

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“Ian, I don’t understand.” He held up his hand, forestalling anything further from me.

“Listen to what I have to say first, then you can do what you need to.”

The boy’s resolve was plain, as was the stress in his eyes and the strain in his voice. I peered at him, wondering what was happening in his mind. I’d never seen Ian this serious, not even during the aftermath of Mike’s accident.

“I’ve been thinking about some things. Since Mike died, you and I haven’t been the same as we used to be. Our friendship was closer. We did more things together like riding our bikes and going swimming and playing ball. I know that doing those things reminds you of Mike. It reminds me of him too, and seeing you… It’s like seeing a ghost sometimes, not only because I can see Mike when I look at you, but because everything we used to do together is as dead as he is.”

I stared at him, not believing what I was hearing. His eyes were dry, but his tortured expression told of the conflict raging within.

“We have to go on with our lives, Ben. Mike wouldn’t want me to stop doing things I enjoyed doing with him just because he isn’t here. The same thing goes for you. I know it hurts, but the only way to get past the hurt is to go through it, to do the things that cause us the pain, like bike riding and swimming and playing ball, and other things.

“I love you, Ben, but our friendship is dying. I need to move on. I need to enjoy what I do without having Mike’s memory dragging me down all the time. You need to be able to do the same, or… I’m sorry, Ben, but I won’t… we won’t be able to hang out. That’s the last thing I want to happen to us, Ben, but I can’t live like this. Not without something more.”

Tears filled my eyes. Ian was leaving me. I never even told him how I felt.

Then do it now! This may be your last chance!

Mike’s phantom voice rocketed through my brain. It was the first time he’d spoken to me in months. I lifted my eyes to meet Ian’s gaze and cleared my throat to find my voice.

“Ian, I can’t lose you. You’re the only person keeping me sane. If you and I… If I lose you… I don’t even want to think about it!”

“I’m not done, Ben,” the boy grated. “There’s more. It’s too hard for me to be around you anymore. It hurts when I look at you. It kills me when we sleep together in my room at night. It’s so hard not to reach over and… do the things we used to do. I can’t do it anymore, not like this.

“Ben, I want to be with you. I want to do all the things we used to.” His voice dropped to a near-whisper. “Everything. I’m in love with you, Ben. I don’t know what you feel about me. I don’t know if you’re straight or gay or in between. All I do know is that I love you. I loved both of you, but I couldn’t choose between you, and I was happy playing around with both of you, but now, with Mike gone, I can’t stand not being able to touch and hold you. If you can’t handle that, or if you hate me because I’m gay, then you need to walk away right now. Save us both from more pain.”

My mind was a barrage of thoughts slamming into each other. Nothing coherent was coming to the forefront. My dream, and Mike’s, was coming true- but to fulfill it I had to let go of my fears and move beyond my grief. Could I do that? More than that, could I return Ian’s love in the same measure his was given to me?

Ben, please! Love Ian for both of us! Let me love him through you!

Oh, Mikey, I thought back. If only it was that easy.

It is, my brother’s specter replied. Just do it, Ben. For me.

A glance at Ian showed his expression to be resolute. The future of our friendship was being determined as I sat thinking, and the longer I took, the more dour his expression became.

Please! I’m begging you! Do it for both of us!

I met the young man’s gaze solidly. It took a conscious effort to relax my face and let the tension drain away. His eyes were hard, waiting for me to reject him. There was no way I would do that. There was no way I could do that. I sat down next to him. He continued to observe me silently. I looked into his eyes once more and leaned forward. I kissed him gently. He jerked away.

He growled, “Don’t fucking play with me, Ben! I’m not kidding. This isn’t about stupid games anymore. I’m gay and I love you!”

I continued to stare at him and closed the distance between us.

“Mike told me a long time ago that he was gay, Ian. He told me the same day I told him I was gay, too. We both love you, Ian, and as long as we both couldn’t have you, we were happy playing just like you were. But now, Mike’s not here. He wouldn’t want us to waste time playing games.

“I love you too, Ian. I’ve been too scared to say or do anything about it, and with Mike… I thought I was honoring his memory. But now… we both know the truth. If you can’t or don’t want to deal with it, then I’ll leave. You’ll never see me again.”

His glare intensified. “Don’t you even think about going anywhere, Benjamin Michael Foster.” He moved closer to me again, placing his nose an inch from my own. “Do you mean what you said, about loving me and being gay?”

“Yes, Ian.”

We sat there staring at each other, eyes delving deep into the soul. Ian edged slightly closer to me and I met him, our lips meeting once again in a gentle, tentative kiss. I felt his hand rest on my thigh, and I took it in my own. Ian pulled me to him, and I wrapped my other arm around his waist. The passion in the kiss between us grew slowly as we maneuvered to get as close to one another as possible. Abandoning the effort, I broke the kiss and lay down, looking up at Ian. He lowered himself to me and our lips met again. It amazed me how his lips could be so soft and warm.

When his body was fully against mine, Ian pulled back and gazed into my eyes once more, caressing my face with his hand. I ran my fingers through his hair and down his back, stroking him as we studied each other.

“I’ve dreamed of this for so long, Ben,” Ian said softly as tears formed in his eyes, “but, God it hurts so much that Mike had to… to die for my dream to come true.”

Tears flooded my own eyes. “I know, Ian. Me too.” I stroked his cheek and rested my hand there. “But this is what Mike would want.” I hesitated. “He told me so.”

Ian’s body shook once as he fought back a sob, and then a sad smile crossed his lips. “He would want us to be together, Ben. I hate it that… that... but he would want us to be together.”

Ian leaned down and kissed me again, letting his weight rest on me. The sensation was indescribable, and it touched me deeply. Wrapping my arms around him, I crushed him against me, trying to meld my body to his as our lips pressed tightly together. Every possible inch of our bodies was in contact. Warmth surrounded me and penetrated me, through every pore in my skin. The chasm resulting from Mike’s untimely demise was being slowly filled by the love exuding from Ian’s hands, lips and body.

Ian abruptly pulled away from me and got off the bed. His arousal was readily apparent as he trotted to the door. He surprised me by opening the door.

“Mom, Dad? We’re going to bed,” Ian called. He smiled as he waited for a reply.

“Everything is settled?” Ed asked. He was standing near the door.

Ian nodded. “It’s fine, dad. We have some things to talk about, but we can do that tonight and tomorrow. As long as it takes.”

Ed pressed the door open causing Ian to turn away from his father and face me. I suppressed a grin when I saw the tent in Ian’s pants that he was trying to hide from his father.

“Benjamin, are you feeling well?” Dadtwo asked.

“Fine, dad,” I confirmed. “Like Ian said, we have a lot to talk about, but I think we’re going to be okay.”

“That’s a relief. All right, boys. Don’t stay up all night talking.”

“Okay, dad,” Ian said as he closed the door behind his father.

Ian propped the desk chair against the door under the knob, wedging it closed. Once certain that the door was secured, Ian turned back to me, his face a mixture of happiness and lust. Ian took off his t-shirt as he returned to stand in front of me.

“I love you, Ben. I’ve wanted to tell you that forever. I love you.”

“I love you too, Ian.”

Later, we lay in the bed together, my head on his shoulder and my arm over his chest, talking about how we were going to deal with our new-found love

“I don’t think I can hide how I feel for you anymore, Ben. Mom and dad will find out.”

I replied, “We have to try, Ian. I don’t want to lose you either, so we have to try to keep it just between us.”

“But how? All I want to do is hold you and touch you. How can I keep that secret?”

“We have to be careful! If they find out, they might split us up. I might not be able to see you again. I don’t want that to happen.”

“Me either,” Ian stated emphatically and then continued with a sigh, “I guess I’m going to have to hold back.”

“Not too much. I mean, no kissing, but we always hug each other and stuff.”

“Yeah, I know. It still doesn’t make me happy.”

“Me either,” I commiserated, “but we don’t have much of a choice.”

We snuggled in for the night, clinging to each other for comfort and support. A door had opened for me and I was being overwhelmed with new emotions and sensations. I basked in the glory of the love we had found in each other, and slept well and deeply in the security offered by Ian’s presence.