lfad 10

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Ten

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Ian landed on me, his elbow hitting me in the chest. The air in my lungs left in a rush, and I felt water enter my mouth. Visions of Mike drowning in the canal filled my head. I vaguely wanted to drown so I could know what Mike felt as he died.

Get up, Ben!

The imaginary voice spurred me into action, forcing me to fight for the surface. With a great effort I threw Ian off of me using my whole body. My legs thrust upward and my arms out, pushing Ian over my head. The exertion allowed some water to flow into my lungs. My fears of actually drowning came to the fore. Panic overtook me and I scrambled to my feet. A surge from the wave pool struck me in the back knocking me off balance and down into the water again. Somehow I managed to recover and staggered out of the pool in confusion, coughing hard in an effort to clear my lungs.

“Ben!” A boy’s voice called, “Are you okay?”

A fit of coughing struck as the panic continued to grow. Breathing became difficult, and I fell to my knees on the rough cement. An arm came to rest on my shoulder as a body settled itself in front of me. Still gasping for air, I looked up at the boy’s face. Ian wore an anxious, concerned expression.

“Ben? It’s okay,” he said with a calm assurance I needed to hear at that moment.

I stared at him, eyes unseeing, concentrating on his voice and the words he spoke. My world started to collapse inward as a crowd grew around us, my panic held at bay only by Ian’s voice and his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay, Ben,” Ian repeated again and again until another set of arms, large adult arms, wrapped around me from behind.

“I have him now, son,” intoned the voice owning the embrace I was ensconced in. I struggled against the man, but only in an effort to turn into him. He released me long enough for that action and then lifted me bodily as I began to sob.

A short time later I was set onto a chair near the table we had staked out earlier. It had been less than a minute yet I had already mastered my emotions, controlling my sobs and pushing my panic down into the depths of my gut. Without waiting I began to tell them in a dispassionate manner what had happened and what I had thought at the time.

Ed and Liz listened to me, nodding or frowning occasionally. When I was done Liz cleared her throat as she knelt in front of me.

“Ben, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer me honestly, okay? This is very important. Can you do that?”

I nodded and dropped my eyes. I just knew the question was about Mike, and I was miserable enough as it was without her evoking more emotional pain.

“Ben, do you want to die?”

My head snapped up, my wild gaze meeting her steady, confident, if worried eyes. We stared at each other for a moment before I couldn’t keep it up any longer.

My voice no more than a whisper, I said, “Sometimes.”

“Do you want to kill yourself?” Momtwo asked with poorly concealed alarm.

I thought about her question before I answered. The wait was making her nervous.

“No. I can’t.”

She then asked, “No you can’t, or no you won’t?”

“Both,” I answered with a sigh. “Mike wants me to live…”

Fuckinay right I do!

“… and I don’t want to disappoint him.”

When I looked up again to meet her eyes I was unprepared for the tears in the woman’s eyes, and they disturbed me greatly.

“Why are you crying, mom?”

She pulled me toward her into a hug.

When she released me she quietly said, “I love you, Benjamin. Don’t forget that.”

“Liz, I’m going to pack things up and find Ray,” Ed said.

“No!” I barked the word. “No. We don’t have to go. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s time because of… well, just because.”

“Ben, honey…” Began Liz.

“No, mom. I’ll be okay. Just give me some time.”

She studied me through narrowed but loving eyes. “If you’re sure, Ben.” I nodded once, decisively. “Okay. We’ll stay.”

As I slumped into the chair by the table, I noticed Ian for the first time standing behind me. He had heard everything I had said. His face was tight, his jaw set and his eyes troubled. He was unsure whether to speak to me or go back to the pool.

“What is it, Ian?” I prompted.

“You were kidding about wanting to die, weren’t you?” He questioned fearfully.

“Ian… sometimes I miss Mike so much that all I want is for the pain to stop.”

“But you said you wouldn’t kill yourself.”

“And I won’t,” I said in reaffirmation. “Mike wants me to be here.”

“How do you know that?” Ian asked, and then realized his gaff. “I didn’t mean that to sound like it did, Ben. Of course he wants you to live. You promise you won’t do anything stupid?”

“I promise I won’t try to commit suicide, Ian.”

“Ever?”

“Ever.” I confirmed my promise to him, and in some way I knew that I had promised Mike the same thing. It did not make me uncomfortable.

Ian asked, “Are you going to come back in the water?”

“I don’t know, Ian, but don’t let that stop you.”

He looked at me for a moment before pulling up a chair and sitting next to me.

“I need to work on my tan anyway,” he explained.

It was a patently false statement, but I was grateful that my friend wanted to stay with me.

As we prepared for bed, Ian seemed agitated. I knew that my comments about suicide had unsettled him, my promise not withstanding. He had watched me closely the whole evening, observing me without concern of being noticed. I met his gaze a few times and looked away when it was apparent he wasn’t going to. Surprisingly, his scrutiny did not cause any anxiety, but rather it filled me with a sense of belonging. I found I could tolerate Ian’s piercing stares for the most part. Once in bed, Ian rolled onto his side facing me. I knew that unless we discussed what had happened, he would be awake all night and keep me up with him.

“What do you want to know, Ian?” I asked with a sigh, staring at the ceiling.

My words startled him. After an hour of silence, my voice sounded loud.

His voice was tight with tension. “You said that you won’t kill yourself, right?”

“I won’t commit suicide, Ian,” I pledged sincerely. “I made a promise that I wouldn’t.”

“To Mikey?” My blood-brother inquired with tight eyes.

“Yeah, to Mikey,” I said in confirmation.

I saw Ian glowering at me out of the corner of my eye. He let the silence drag for a moment before speaking again.

“Ben, look at me.”

I did as he asked. His expression held a gravity that no twelve-year-old’s face should be capable of. His demeanor matched his expression.

“I want you to promise me, too, Ben. Say the words.”

“I already did at the park, Ian,” I reminded him.

“I don’t care,” he rejoined dismissively. “Say it again. Promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.”

“I won’t kill myself,” I said acerbically. “I promise. Okay?”

“No. Promise me you won’t hurt yourself,” he demanded.

“I just did!” I protested.

“No you didn’t. You said you wouldn’t kill yourself. I want you to promise you won’t hurt yourself,” Ian clarified.

“Okay, okay. I promise.”

“Say the words!”

“All right, Ian,” I said, giving in to his request. “I promise I won’t hurt myself or kill myself. Are you happy now?”

“No, Ben, I’m not happy. It makes me sick that I had to ask for you to promise me in the first place.” Ian lay on his back and gazed at the ceiling. “I’m scared, Ben. I don’t want to lose you.”

His words brought unexpected tears to my eyes.

“Why would I leave you?” I asked incredulously. “You’re my only friend in the world.”

Ian turned his head to look at me. He stared into my eyes.

“Sometimes…” I continued, “…sometimes your family feels like the only family I have left. Mikey’s gone and mom and dad… dad doesn’t care what I do. Mom is crazy. Who knows what she thinks.

“My family is broken, Ian,” I whispered. “I don’t know if it can be fixed.”

Ian rolled over and put his arm around my chest, snuggling up close. We lay there together in oppressive silence as I pondered what the future would bring for me and what was left of my family.