LFAD 09

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Nine

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“NO!”

“Ben, it doesn’t mean you have to forget about Mike. What it does mean is you need to live your own life and not what you think his life would have been.”

“I won’t!”

Ed turned his chair to face me.

“Ben, listen to me. Now, your mum and dad are having a very difficult time coming to terms with Mike’s passing. You remind them of him when you wear his things and come out of his room.”

Anger filled my voice. “I remind them of him just by being alive! Look at me! I look just like him!”

“Calm down a bit, lad.”

“While I’m at it, why don’t I get plastic surgery too so they don’t have to see him when they see me? Or maybe I should just leave so they don’t have to see me at all!”

Ed growled, “Benjamin Michael Foster, stop that this instant!”

I closed my mouth with an audible click and glared at the back yard fence.

“Now listen,” he said earnestly. “You will do no such thing, do you understand? It would absolutely kill your parents if they lost you, too.”

“How do you know?” I asked harshly.

“Because I’ve talked to them.”

Stunned, I could but stare at him.

“I talked to them last night. They were both very clear that they want you at home with them, but things need to change, both for your health and theirs. They need to move on, too, Ben. Your family needs to get your lives back on track.”

“You saw my mom?” I asked, unable to think about anything else.

“Yes, Ben.”

“She didn’t want to see me?”

“Of course she did, Ben, but,” Ed took a deep breath, “her doctors think it would be best for her to wait.”

“So it is my fault,” I whispered. “I put her in the hospital.”

“Ben, leave off! Nothing that has happened is your fault. It just happened. What happened to Mike was an accident. What happened with your mom was a result of that accident, and your dad is doing the best he can!”

“If I hadn’t jumped that canal, Mike wouldn’t have tried!” I snapped.

“And we’ve told you before that you don’t know that for sure! You can’t! Identical twin or not, you couldn’t read his mind!”

Tears filled my eyes. Ian’s father has cut to the heart of the matter. There was no way I could be certain that Mike wouldn’t have jumped the canal regardless of what I did. For the first time since he died, I understood, if in just a small way, that Mike dying was an accident that I didn’t cause. The realization shattered what little control I had over my roiling emotions.

“I didn’t want him to die,” I whispered.

“I know.”

“I didn’t want him to die!” My voice was loud, dissonant.

“I know, Ben!”

“I didn’t want him to die!” My voice broke as I screamed. “I don’t want him to die! I don’t want him to die!”

Ed slid out of his chair and pulled me to him. I fought back, pounding on his chest and trying to kick him away from me, but he held me fast.

“Let me go!” My cries were shrill, harsh in my own ears. “Let me go!”

The man I thought of as my second father crushed me against him, forcing my arms over his shoulders. I couldn’t hear a word he said as the roar of my own wailing drowned him out. With a last heave I threw myself backwards to no avail: I was constrained by Ed’s loving embrace, and I began pounding his back in a last attempt to win my freedom. It became clear to me that there was no escape and I hugged him tightly about the neck as my voice grew hoarse. I collapsed into unspeakable grief and unstoppable tears. My father held me tightly, and we wept together.

When the rest of the family awoke, I had recovered my control for the most part. My eyes were still red and puffy and my nose congested, but my emotions were contained. Ian asked the silent question with his eyes. I shook my head, forestalling any inquiries he might make. I couldn’t miss the hurt expression and downcast eyes. I made a promise to myself to talk to him later.

The morning passed quietly. Murray sensed that I was in a dour mood and went over to his friend’s house to escape. Ian moped around, following me like a kicked puppy, but rather than anger me, it made me feel grateful. When lunchtime came, I told Ian what had happened that morning while we ate. Liz and Ed were there as well. Momtwo didn’t seem surprised in the slightest at what I said, so I figured Ed had told her. Then again, her bathroom window was right above the deck table, so how could she miss me yelling and screaming like a baby?

Ian perked up when I suggested going to La Grande City Park. There was a lot to do there. It was about one mile square and had water slides, tons of sports fields, tennis and basketball courts, trees, trails, picnic and playgrounds, a skate park, pools… just about anything you could want.

Ian deflated just a bit when I asked his dad to drive us over. The park was about three miles away, and there was no way I was going to ride there. I hadn’t touched my bike since the accident, and I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to again. Ed said he would take us when we were ready.

Since the weather was hot, we wore our swim shorts and planned on spending the day at the water park. We called Murray to see if he and his buddy wanted to tag along. They did, so Murray and his friend Jeff met us at the house so Murray could get his shorts and things before we left. At the last minute, Liz and Ed decided it was a good day for a family outing and decided to go with us as well.

A moment of bitterness struck me when the adults announced their intention to go with us. My parents had never done anything spontaneous like that with me or Mike. Everything had to be planned out in advance in my family, and even then things happened to derail those plans. I realized that, long before Mike’s accident, I hadn’t trusted my parents to be there for me. It made me sad.

We all ate something before we left since it was near noon anyway, and eating at the park was not only expensive, but it would force us to waste time while the food settled and that would be a drag.

The drive over was filled with animated conversation that I didn’t join in on. Momtwo and Dadtwo both recognized that I was silent and were concerned based on the many glances they cast in my direction.

Benji, promise me you’ll try to have fun, okay?

I didn’t respond to Mike and his presence in my mind faded. The fact that Mike talked to me was disconcerting in and of itself. I had a difficult time determining if it was really him talking or if it was my imagination running wild in an attempt to somehow spare me the pain of losing my twin altogether.

When we arrived at the park it was close to noon. The place was already packed, mostly with kids, but there were a fair number of families there too. Ed and Liz went to the wave pool area and somehow found a table with an umbrella vacant, so they claimed it as ours.

“Boys, before you go, make sure you put sunscreen on,” Momtwo directed. “I don’t want anyone getting burned.”

“I’ll do you if you do me, Ben,” Ian said.

I looked at him, surprised at his choice of words. His back was to his parents, so they couldn’t see the suggestive leer on his face. It was all I could do to keep a deadpan expression as I replied.

“Sure.”

Ian picked up the lotion and handed it to me before turning his back to me. I dumped a healthy dab of sunscreen in my hand and slapped it on his back. He shied away for a moment, complaining about how cold it was, but relaxed as I started rubbing it in, giving a shudder as I tickled his ribs accidentally. I took some extra time to make sure the back of his neck and arms were covered as well. When I was done, he turned to face me. His expression was strange and he was breathing kind of hard. I glanced down and saw his shorts tenting out, and then returned my eyes to his cherry-red face. I handed him the lotion which he put on in a rather hurried manner before literally tossing the tube at his mom.

“C’mon, Ben! Hurry!” Ian said as he raced for the water, ignoring various calls for him to slow down.

I followed him at a more sedate pace, laughing as he dove through a wave and belly flopped on the other side. When I reached him he tackled me and we went down in the water. As I was trying to regain my feet, Ian squeezed my crotch hard enough that it hurt a little bit. Breaching the surface, I clutched myself protectively.

“What did you do that for?” I spluttered at Ian, who was grinning widely.

He stepped up to me and hissed, “You made me come, you bastard!”

My jaw dropped open.

“I what?” I couldn’t believe what he’d just said.

“You made me come! All that rubbing… man you got me good.”

“But I didn’t even touch you there!” I stated incredulously.

“I know, but I didn’t have a wet spot because I peed my shorts, Ben.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Ian. His face screwed up into amused chagrin just before he pushed me back into the water and jumped on top of me again.