lfad 08

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Eight

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My mother didn’t come home with my father, and he didn’t come home for a week. Ian, Rayray and I spent all our time together during the day, and Ian and I spent all our time together during the night just being together. I had an aversion to sharing his bed in any sexual manner for the same reason as I first did: I felt I was being disloyal to Mike. For his part, Mike was silent on the issue.

Dad picked me up on Sunday evening. He made the appropriate greetings and pleasantries to the Kettengers, and he even seemed happy to see me, but the air of geniality evaporated as soon as we got in the car. My father was completely silent on the drive but for a series of curses aimed at a driver who jumped his turn at a four-way stop.

Our arrival at home was as silent as the ride. Dad turned off the car and sat in his seat for a moment. I stared straight ahead. I was afraid that I would crack if I looked at my father. It simply didn’t feel as if I was coming home. There was no warmth between us, no sense of love or even familiarity.

“Ben, when we get inside, you are to go to your room and change into your clothes. When you’re done, we are going to get your things out of Mike’s room, and then we are going to box everything in that room up and put away what we are going to keep. The rest is going to Goodwill.”

“No!” My protest was loud in the confines of the car.

“Don’t argue with me!” My father barked. This… this playing at being Mike, dressing in his clothes and sleeping in his room is going to stop, right now! Mike has been dead for almost two months. This has gone on long enough!

“Do you have any idea how what you have done has affected your mother?”

My anger boiled over. “No, because you won’t tell me!”

Dad’s face turned bright red. I could see his jaw tighten and then move as he sub-vocalized a slow count of ten.

“Benjamin, do as I told you to.”

I didn’t move.

“Now, god dammit!” My father commanded.

“No!” I refused in a voice matching his in volume.

My dad hastily got out of the car and came around the front toward my side. I knew exactly what was going to happen so I jumped the center console and crawled out the driver’s side door. My dad charged back around the car as I ran across the front yard to escape him.

“Ben get your ass in the house right now!” He demanded, his rage growing by the second.

“No!” I yelled defiantly. “You’re just going to hit me!”

My words brought my father up short. Again I saw him pause and count to ten.

“Ben, I won’t hit you,” he said, his voice a bit calmer than it had been. “But you have to understand that it’s time to let go.”

“I’ll never let go of Mike!”

He stared at me for a moment, jaw hanging slightly open, and then he visibly shrank in on himself. His shoulders sagged and his head drooped. Defeated, he trudged into the house and left the door open behind him.

Benji, it’s okay if you pack my things. I know you won’t forget me.

“I don’t want to.”

Mike fell silent again as I walked into the house and to our room. My father was in his room with the door closed and the television volume turned up. I closed my own door and lay down on the bed and curled up with Mike’s pillow. Sleep was a long time in coming.

In the following days, my dad said maybe a dozen words to me while he looked at me even less. I was left to fend for myself while he went to work, and when he was home he was in his room with the TV on. I figured out how to do the laundry when I ran out of underwear and socks. I remembered what my mom had said about colors and temperatures, so I managed to not dye the whites with some other color.

Ian and Murray had gone to Yosemite with their uncle and his family for a two-week. annual trip that they had taken since Ian could remember, but it left me alone. I hadn’t wanted to see any of my other friends since Mike had died because it would just remind me of him. I could still have went over to his house if I had wanted to, but I wasn’t comfortable being the only kid there.

Two weeks after dad had picked me up I told him that there was nothing in the house to eat when he got home. I received a grunt as a reply before he retreated to his room and shut the door again. It was the last I saw of him for a while. By that Friday I literally didn’t have a choice: there was no food in the house at all and I hadn’t eaten since Tuesday evening. I had no money, and hadn’t had any since mom lost it, so I couldn’t even go out and buy something at a fast food place. There was only one thing I could do.

When I knocked on the door at the Kettenger place, Liz answered. She smiled at me as she said hello, but her smile slipped when I didn’t respond. I could only look at her and think of my mom being in the nuthouse and how it was my fault she was there and how my dad didn’t love me anymore. I fought them off as best I could, but tears began to fall from my eyes despite my efforts. I dropped my backpack as a sob escaped me, shattering the façade of strength I had been desperately struggling to maintain.

“Oh, Ben….”

Liz gathered me into her arms and hugged me tightly. I couldn’t contain myself any longer and collapsed into her. She held me while I cried, and I thought I heard Mike’s voice encouraging me to get it all out, but I’m wasn’t certain. After I’d cried myself out, she pushed me out to arm’s length.

“Ben, are you sick? You don’t look well.”

I don’t know what she saw to give her the impression I was ill. Maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten or slept in a few days, or maybe it was because I was confused and scared. Liz led me into the house and sat on the couch with me in the family room.

“Ben, what’s going on?” Momtwo demanded in a loving, caring tone.

“I miss Mike.”

It was a simple statement, and it didn’t answer her question. I didn’t know what else to tell her. I couldn’t tell her that my dad was ignoring me, and that we didn’t have food or anything. It was embarrassing enough as it was. How could I tell her that my daddy didn’t love me?

She stroked my hair. “We all do, honey, and you most of all.”

“Nothing is the same anymore,” I complained loudly. Mom is gone, dad might as well be,” and I continued in a whisper, “Mike isn’t here….”

“You feel all alone.” Momtwo completed my thought for me. “I know it’s hard, Ben, but you aren’t alone. You have us. We love you. Your mom and dad love you…”

I snorted with derision.

“They do too,” she said sharply. “You aren’t the only person who was hurt when Mike died. Your mom is getting the help she needs and your dad is struggling with his own feelings, Ben.”

Her tone made me angry and I let that anger come out through my voice. “He loves me? That’s why he ignores me? That’s why he doesn’t talk to me? Why he stays in his room all the time? That’s why I haven’t had anything to eat in three days because he loves me?”

“What?” Liz gasped, her hand covering her mouth in shock. “What do you mean?”

“The last thing I had to eat was some rice on Tuesday night. There’s nothing else left.”

She stared at me, seemingly stunned into inaction. She stood with a start and smoothed her clothes a couple of times, still uncertain she had heard what I had told her.

“Yes, well… let me get you something to eat, Ben. What would you like?”

“What am I going to do, mom?” I asked plaintively.

My cry for help seemed to bring her back to her senses. She held out her hand to me and I took it. I was led into the kitchen and told to sit at the table while watching her move around, industriously fixing us a meal.

“Ian and Murray should be home soon, Ben. You’re staying over tonight, and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Our conversation was stilted and at times the awkward silences made me anxious but we finished our soup and sandwiches in reasonable comfort. She didn’t ask me anything else about my situation at home and I didn’t volunteer any information. It was eight o’clock by the time I finished what she had fixed for me. My stomach didn’t feel well, so I decided to lay down in Ian’s room. I pulled out Mike’s journal and read until I fell asleep.

I awoke to find Ian was sleeping next to me, snoring slightly. It was early in the morning judging from the lack of light coming around the blinds. I lay there in bed in an attempt to go back to sleep, but it was useless.

After making myself some toast and a bowl of cereal, I went outside on the patio to eat. The morning was warm and promised a sweltering day. The only thing I was certain of at that point was that I wasn’t going to go home.

“What am I supposed to do, Mike?” I asked the morning breeze somberly.

Take care of yourself. That’s what you do.

“Why does he hate me?”

He doesn’t. Like Liz said, he’s trying to deal with his own stuff.

“I’m just trying to deal with you being gone, too.”

He knows that, Benji.

“I didn’t do anything wrong.”

I sat there until the sun came up. My mind was overwhelmed by everything that had happened and was happening. I knew in the back of my mind that my wearing Mike’s things had probably pushed my mother over the edge. I also knew that none of this would have happened if I hadn’t led Mikey over that stupid canal, too. And I was supposed to let go? How can one forget that they caused their twin’s death?

The sliding door opened behind me.

“Good morning, Ben.” Dadtwo.

“Hi.”

A pause. “Can I join you?”

I shrugged. “Sure.”

He sat next to me, pulling his chair closer.

“I know this is very hard on you, lad. I know that you loved your brother very much. I understand that; we all do. It’s been over two months now, Ben, and school will be starting very soon. You’ll need to focus on your studies.

“Maybe it’s time get you some new clothes of your own and move back into your own place.”

“But…”

“Ben, it’s time to put Mike’s things away.”

“But I….”

“Michael is gone, Ben,” Ed said gently. “It’s time to move on.”