LFAD06

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Six

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That night we lay in Ian’s bed, having spent the day around his house. Liz had taken me back home where I packed a couple of Mike’s bags with everything of his I could find. I’d become panicked at the thought my parents would clean out Mike’s room without giving me a chance to go through everything and take what I want. Liz and Ian helped me pack. I took a lot of his clothes and some of his personal effects to safeguard them.

I found out later that mom and Dad were not home while we were there because they were talking to a counselor.

“Um, Ian? Would it be weird if I wore some of Mike’s clothes?” I asked him. For some reason I felt like I would be closer to Mike if I could wear what he wore.

“No, not at all, Ben. I kinda think it would be cool, you know?”

“It wouldn’t bother you?”

“No.”

It wouldn’t bother me either, Benji.

“Mike just said it wouldn’t bother him either,” I reported to Ian.

“Ben,” he said a moment later as he turned to look at me, “Do you think it’s really him you’re talking to?”

I thought about it. Ian gave me some time, not pushing me for an answer.

“I don’t know, Ian. I’d like to think so, that he’s still with me…”

I am with you, Benji.

“…but I really don’t know. He says he’s with me though.” A few quiet moments later, I asked, “Ian, am I going crazy?”

I swung my head to look at him. He stared at me intently, his eyes searing mine.

“No, I don’t think so. Maybe this is part of moving on with your life. Who knows.”

He rolled back over and turned off the light. Darkness filled the room, disturbed only by the glow of the streetlight leaking in through the blinds which swayed with the evening breeze wafting through the open window. When Ian lay back down again, I moved so I could rest my head on his shoulder and put my arm around him. He hugged me to him, and we fell asleep in no time.

I sat up with a lurch, my breathing ragged and tears running down my face. My hand reached out and grasped the leg of the person next to me. It took a moment to get my bearings and figure out where I was. Tears continued to flow as I realized the person sleeping next to me was not my twin. Still, Ian’s presence did offer me some comfort.

I lay down again, snuggling close to my friend, laying my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arm around his body. I lay like that for hours until the light of dawn showed through the gap in the blinds, and then I fell asleep.

Ian rolled toward me some time later, forcing me from my stomach to my side. He threw an arm over me and pressed himself against me. I could feel his morning erection against mine. His unconscious movements became rhythmic in nature. A low moan escaped him as the urgency of his motions grew. In spite of myself, I felt my own orgasm building as he ground into me. I gave into the instinctive urges that were aroused in me and began matching his motions with my own. It took no time at all for me to climax and little more for Ian to reach his own orgasm. I could feel my shorts become saturated with his semen. In a very strange manner I felt closer to him at that moment than ever before. We had never done anything like that before in all our sex play, and it surprised me to learn that I wanted to do it again. I didn’t even give a thought to Mike’s absence.

Opening my eyes, I saw Ian resting, watching me. He smiled sheepishly, and I returned his smile with one of my own.

“That was… awesome,” Ian said breathlessly.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Did you come?”

I hummed an affirmative. Ian pulled me to him more tightly and I returned the embrace.

“Um, Ben? I… I’m sorry.” I pulled back enough to see his face. He seemed disconcerted. “I know you didn’t want to do anything. It was just, well… I got started and I couldn’t stop.”

“Ian, I could have stopped you. I liked it.”

He held me silently as the afterglow waned. A knock on the door startled us and we separated quickly. Dadtwo’s voice carried through the door.

“Can I come in, boys?”

“Sure, dad,” Ian replied as he covered his wet drawers.

Ed poked his head into the room wearing a slight grin. “How would you boys like to go to a ball game today?”

Ian sat up, blurting, “You bet! How about you, Ben? We can take our gloves and go early for batting practice!”

Forcing a smile, I answered with an unenthused, “Sure. Sounds good.”

The Kettengers looked at me, both wearing cautious expressions. My response was not what they expected to say the least.

“What is it, lad?” Mr. Kettenger asked.

“Nothing,” I lied. “I’m okay.”

“Benjamin, I’m not daft,” Ed stated firmly. “Tell me what is the matter.”

I dropped my eyes to my lap. Ian tried to get me to meet his gaze but I refused. How could I explain to them that anything having to do with the game of baseball reminded me of Mike?

It’s not going to kill you to go to a baseball game with Ian, Rayray and Dadtwo. Mike’s exasperated imaginary voice echoed in my head.

“I’m just not ready, yet.” I murmured.

Bullshit.

“Ready for what, son?” Ed queried compassionately.

“It’s too painful. Baseball… it reminds me of Mike.”

What doesn’t remind you of me, Ben?

“Everything does!” I savagely bit off the words, the tenor of my voice surprising everyone including myself.

You can’t stop living your life because I’m not there!

“Ben, I’m going to say something and you’re probably not going to like it,” Dadtwo said sternly. “Mike is gone! I know you miss him terribly and that you are sad, but you can’t put your life on hold! Is that what Michael would want you to do?”

No fucking way! So get off your ass and go to the game, Benji!

“Leave me alone!” As harsh as my voice had been earlier, this was a plaintive cry. I love Mike. Can’t you understand that? He’s all I have! God I miss him so fucking much. I miss you, Mikey! Why did you have to leave me?”

Laying down, I clutched Mike’s pillow to me and wailed into it. Ian shifted to lay behind me and wrapped his arm around my body. He hugged me tight as I my misery drained out of me. Ed sat on the bed near me and put his hand on my back in a gesture of comfort. I don’t know how long we were there; how long the tears fell that time, but when I wound down I found that I was not alone in my grief. Ed, Ian, and Murray were with me and all had shed their own tears.

Not only was I depressed, but I was embarrassed as well. I managed to squeak out an apology but the male Kettengers wouldn’t let me.

“Ben, lad, it’s perfectly normal for you to be angry, sad and even afraid,” Ed informed me. “This is part of the grieving process. Don’t feel bad about crying and carrying on, because that’s all part of it. Mike was an important…”

“Is!” I interjected loudly.

“Mike is an important part of your life, but he’s passed on and that is something you must come to grips with eventually, and it will take time. You shouldn’t feel badly that you miss your brother, Ben. Not at all.”

Ben, please go. You need to do this. Do it for me. Please.

I remained silent for a long while after Ed’s comments, and considered Mike’s request. How could I turn him down? I owed him so much.

“Okay. I’ll go. I’ll do it for Mike.”

I love you, Benji.

I answered Mike’s voice with more tears.

We made it to the Oakland Coliseum with plenty of time to spare. Batting practice was awesome and we even managed to catch a ball that bounced off the seats above us, but that was most exciting thing that happened. The Rangers shut out the A’s two to nothing in a lackluster performance at the plate, but we still had an awesome time. And I still missed my twin.

The next day was Sunday. I was asked if I would go to church with the Kettengers. Mike and I had gone with them before when we’d stayed over. They went to the Highland Congregational Church, a progressive Protestant church. It made me uncomfortable to be in a church given what I had heard about how the “Christian” community treated people like me and my brother.

The service was cool. The pastor was talking about Job and what he went through. I don’t know if Momtwo or Dadtwo knew what the subject was going to be or not, but it hit me hard. No matter what happened to the man he kept his faith and kept on going. I’d have to give it some serious thought. Maybe there was a lesson there for me.

I stayed with Ian and his family for two more weeks before my parents supposedly had it together enough for me to come home. Ed and Ian brought me home, I was wearing Mike’s favorite shirt and pants. Mom did a double take when she first saw me and quickly went back to her room. Dad stared at me for the longest time. I met his gaze impassively, uncertain what the problem was at first, but when he mouthed Mike’s name it became clear. Without a word I carried my bags to my brother’s room, planning to make it my own, and I didn’t give a rat’s ass what my parents thought about it.