lfad04

Life From A Distance

Ben

Chapter Four

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Did you think I could leave you crying

When there's room on my horse for two

Climb up here Jack and don't be crying

I can go just as fast with two

-Rolf Harris

Two Little Boys

Dinner was a silent affair, at least on my part. The Kettengers meal was accompanied by family conversation such as that Mike and I had joined in before he died. I couldn’t bring myself to participate, and I could tell that my lack of input bothered the other two boys at the table.

Murray was a mouse-haired boy eighteen months younger than his brother. At almost eleven years old, he hadn’t yet hit the start of his own journey to adulthood. Ian and Murray were very close compared to most brothers I knew with a similar age difference. I believe one reason that might be so is the example Mike and I set in our brotherly relationship.

When dinner was completed, I quietly found my way through the garage and out to the back yard. The Kettengers house had a cement slab behind the garage with a basketball standard. We four boys had played there extensively in the time we had known each other. We’d also set up their ping-pong table out there many, many times.

I looked around and tried to imagine Mike laughing and smiling as we played, but only silence remained. I sat heavily on the deck next to the court and dropped my head into my hands. Tears threatened to flood my eyes again.

“Why did you have to go, Mikey?”

I’m still here, Benji. I love you and I’ll always be with you.

A wave of grief passed through me. The tears finally won. Ed found me later while the tears were still flowing. He didn’t say anything, sitting beside me and putting his arm around my shoulders. When he did this, the thought that I had to count on Ed to be there for me instead of my own father struck home. What had been quiet sobs suddenly turned into loud wails of anguish. Dadtwo picked me up and held me in his lap tightly, trying to squeeze the pain out of me with the sheer strength of his embrace. When I could speak, it was in a halting manner, much like a child who had cried too hard fighting sudden sharp intakes of breath.

Ed asked, “Were you thinking of Mike?”

“Ye- yeah,” I confirmed miserably. “It started out a- as him.”

“It started out as him?” Ed inquired “Who else was it, Ben?”

I was silent for a moment. Ed repeated his question before I answered. “My mo- mo- mom and d- dad h- hate me!”

“Oh, Ben… they don’t hate you, son,” Dadtwo chided gently. “They love you so much, Ben.”

“If they lov- love me then why d- did they se- send me away?” I countered.

“All of us have had a tremendous loss, especially you and your mom and dad,” Ed replied. “When a parent loses a child, it takes a long time to get back on track. Your mom and dad know this, and they knew that they wouldn’t be able to do a good job taking care of you until they’ve got it together. They love you, Ben,” Ed insisted again.

“I can hear them arguing all the time,” I said several minutes later. Neither of us had moved, and my breathing had calmed. “Sometimes I think they blame me for Mike being dead.”

“It was an accident, Ben. You didn’t cause this, and you couldn’t have prevented it regardless of what you think.”

“It should have been me. I went firs…”

Ed turned me to face him. I was surprised to see tear stains on his cheeks. His eyes bore into mine once I met his gaze.

“You didn’t cause this. You couldn’t do anything to stop it. And it should not have been you. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to. God has a reason for what happened. We can’t know what it is now, and we may never know. Without a doubt, you were meant to live, Benjamin. You are meant to live your life, and I never want to hear you say otherwise, do you understand? Never.”

“I could have done more! I could have jumped in and saved him!”

“And you’d have drowned, too. Once you’re in the canal, you can’t get out. That’s why it’s so dangerous. There was nothing you could have done, lad. Nothing at all.”

Tears filled his once-dry eyes again, and he pulled me into a tight hug. It wasn’t until I rested my head on his shoulder that I realized I was crying again.

God, I thought, am I ever going to run out of tears?

It’s okay to cry, Benji, Mike’s imagined voice assured me. You have Ed and Liz and Ian and Murray to cry with you.

“I don’t want to cry anymore, Mikey.”

“What did you say, Ben?” Ed’s voice held a note of concern as he held me out to arms length.

“I don’t want to cry anymore.”

“No, after that. Who were you talking to?”

I debated on telling him the truth. He was alarmed by the fact I’d been talking to Mike, and I didn’t want to make it worse.

“Ben, it’s okay. I still talk to my dad sometimes, and he’s been gone for ten years. It’s okay to talk to Mike every now and then.”

I nodded. I didn’t tell him that Mike had been talking to me a lot since they picked me up at the cemetery.

Ed asked, “Are you ready to come in the house now? It’s nearly eight of the clock. Ian’s in his room making space for your things.”

I shrugged. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Apathy had begun to set in.

“Off you go, then. Go get cleaned up for bed.”

Once in the bathroom I decided I needed a shower. I felt physically and emotionally dirty. The water runs hot in no time and I climb in. Hot water cascades over my body soothing sore muscles in my shoulders and neck made tight by the incredible stress I’d been under. The crying had only seemed to make matters worse.

What are you doing, Benji?

“I’m missing you, Mikey. I miss you so much…”

I miss you too, but I’m not really gone. I’m there with you, in your heart.

“I can’t touch you there, Mike.”

“Ben? Are you all right, son?” Ed.

“Yeah. I’ll be out in a sec.” The attention was beginning to annoy me. I just wanted to be alone for a while without anyone pestering me about what I was thinking.

The water began to grow cool. I knew that I could take a ten minute shower without the hot water running out, but it seemed as if I’d just stepped in the tub. In the time I had left I managed to scrub my body, my hair, and rinse off without freezing my balls off. With my towel wrapped around me, I managed to take the few steps to Ian’s door without being seen by his dad. The door was cracked open and I could see light coming through it. A peek in showed Ian already in bed reading a book with the bedclothes gathered at the foot of the mattress. I stood there watching him for a moment. His face was relaxed except for the tension around his eyes, but I couldn’t tell if that was from reading or something else. He was a good looking boy.

I shoved that thought aside. Ian was off limits. Mike and I had agreed on that. In any case, Ian wasn’t gay. All he ever talked about was girls when we discussed sex. Besides, jerking off together didn’t mean anything. A lot of guys did that together and it didn’t make them gay. No, I couldn’t even think of Ian as a potential boyfriend. It felt wrong to do so.

Why not, Benji? The only reason we agreed was because we both couldn’t have him. Since I’m not there now…

“Shut up, Mike.”

“Is that you, Ben?” Ian called softly.

Opening the door, I walked in to the room. One of the dresser drawers was open and my clothes had been neatly deposited.

“I hope you don’t mind, Ben. That I unpacked for you, I mean.” My blood-brother’s anxiety was clear in his tone.

My bag was sitting on the desk chair. I pulled it open far enough to see it still held everything else I had brought with me. The pictures of Mikey had been stacked and had a loose rubber band around them.

“Thank you,” I whisper in response as I pull the pictures from my duffle.

I removed the band and flipped through the photos. Each picture brought a new stab to my heart. When I was about half-way through I replaced the rubber band and dropped the pictures back in my bag. I closed my eyes for a moment to allow the threat of tears to subside before pulling a pair of shorts out of the drawer and putting them on. I keep the towel around my waist as I did so, uncomfortable with Ian seeing my body, and I knew it was ridiculous given what we had done with each other in the past, but since Mike wasn’t there, I just couldn’t. Ian thankfully let the awkward moment pass.

“Which side do you want, Benji?”

He had to have noticed the wince when he used that nickname again. Still, I let it slide and motioned for the left side of the bed furthest from the door. Ian slid over to the other side and I climbed in with him, pulling the sheet over my body and up to my chest as I lay down. I stare at the ceiling for a time, trying to see Mike’s face. I knew where the differences between our appearances were, and I was trying to picture them in my minds eye. I wasn’t having much success, and that worried me. I didn’t want to forget Mike.

You won’t forget me, bro. I’m not worried.

“I hope not.”

“What do you hope, Ben?” Ian murmurs.

After a moment, I reply, “I’m afraid, Ian. I’m scared I’m going to forget him.”

Ian propped himself up on his elbow to look at me. I took my eyes off the ceiling and met his penetrating green eyes so much like my brother’s. He wore a serious expression with his brow furrowed.

“There’s no way in hell that you’ll forget Mike, Ben,” Ian stated. “I know I’ll never forget him, and he was just a friend to me. You’re his brother. His identical twin, even. You won’t ever forget him.”

“Just a friend, Ian?” I asked, surprised that he would characterize their relationship as just a friendship when I know it meant so much more to both of them.

“He was way more than just a friend to me, Ben,” he asserted. “You know that. I was just saying that you were so much closer to him than I could ever be, and that if I can’t forget him, then you won’t.”

I stared into his eyes, searching for the conviction of his words in his soul. He stared back at me confidently. He had such beautiful eyes.

“I’ll have to trust you, Ian.”

He rolled toward me and put his arm over my stomach, pulling me into a sideways hug. Again thoughts of Mike intruded because he had made the same motion a thousand times. Tears rolled down my cheeks and dropped on the pillow beneath my head.

“Ben,” Ian began, looking up at me, “I can never replace Mike, and I don’t want to. But I can still be your brother if you’ll let me.”

Ian’s tears filled his eyes, and as I embraced him fully our tears of sorrow mingled before falling to the pillow together.