Fade To Black

    After breaking our fast, we showered and drove out to Zuma. The weather was perfect and would be all day, according to the weather reports. I was looking forward to the mild sunburn I was certain to get.

    When we arrived at the beach, the four local boys were already there with our gear, as they said they would be. Pete and I had put on our water clothes at the hotel, so we wasted no time getting into the surf. My boyfriend took the first wave he could for a ride while I watched him. The next thing I knew I felt a hand grab my shoulder and pull me backwards into the water.

    Spluttering, I managed to grab my surfboard and get my head above water. Mike’s laughter filled my ears. I twisted and saw him sitting astride his board with a stupid grin pasted to his face. Keith sat behind him on his own board, torn between being amused and embarrassed.

    "Good morning, killer!" Mike chortled.

    I heaved myself up on my board and turned to face him. "I haven’t killed anyone yet, but the day is young," I growled through a menacing scowl.

    Mike paled a bit and swallowed reflexively. Keith’s expression grew concerned as I drew out the silence, letting the tension increase.

    "Um, Brian? I’m sorry, dude," Mike said in an uncertain voice.

    I shifted my gaze to Keith for a second, and then met Mike’s eyes once more. I allowed the smile I’d been holding back to assert itself and spoke quietly.

    "Gotcha."

    A stunned silence lasted for about three seconds.

    "You asshole!" Mike bellowed. "Jesus! You scared the shit out of me. Again!"

    "Not from where I’m sitting," Keith quipped blandly.

    "Shut up, Keith! Oh, I owe you big time, Kellam!"

    "It’s not my fault you chose to dump me. Payback is a bitch." I softened my words with a widening smile and held out my hand.

    Mike stared at it as though there was some evil force behind it but finally took it. Cautiously. We shook and his grin returned.

    "You had me going, Brian." Mike said ruefully.

    "Me too," Keith added. "I thought you were serious."

    "Remember what I told you last night when you thought I was going to take John out?"

    "You were what?" Mike queried incredulously.

    "Yeah, I think so," Keith replied, ignoring Mike completely.

    "I told you that I never fight unless I’m provoked or threatened," I reminded him, "and it would take a lot more than getting dumped in the ocean for that to happen."

    Keith nodded.

    "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Mike interjected. "What do you mean you were going to take out John?"

    Keith informed Mike of the circumstances that surrounded our confrontation the previous night. "John was being himself, and Brian called him on it. Scared him good, too. He deserved it."

    "And I missed it!"

    "’Fraid so," Keith said.

    I lost the rest of their words as I furiously paddled to catch a coming wave. I managed to ride it in to the beach.

    Some time later, Keith, Prez, Pete, and I happened to be on the beach at the same time. After some whispering, Preston caught our attention.

    "Have you guys been to Disneyland?"

    "Uh uh. Never have," I replied as Pete shook his head.

    Prez and Keith exchanged glances.

    "You want to go?" Keith asked.

    "Sure!" Pete exclaimed without waiting for my reaction. I cast a bemused glance at my best friend. "That is, if you want to, Bri."

    "Sounds like fun," I said, letting him off the hook.

    "You guys go ahead and get cleaned up," Keith suggested. "We’ll meet you at your hotel in about two hours, okay?"

    "Cool. See you then," I confirmed.

    Keith and Prez agreed to return our board to the surf shop. When we got back to our room, I rinsed off the brine and enjoyed the hot water while Pete called home. When I got out ten minutes later he was just hanging up.

    "How are things at home?" I asked as toweled my hair dry.

    "Okay. It’s Jason and David at the house. Dad and Ray are still in Salem."

    "How is therapy going for Ray?"

    "I don’t know," Pete replied. "Jason said that there were good days and bad days. This week has been rough. They’re dealing with the things his mom and dad did to him. Jason’s not sure if Ray will be coming home for the weekend or not."

    Pete gave me a quick hug and started his shower as I digested that information. Ray had a lot of repressed anger and pain to release, and that didn’t follow any particular time schedule or calendar. I could imagine Ray not coming home at all while he worked through the trauma that had been visited on him by his biological parents, but if that’s what he needed to heal, then that was what he should do.

    Keith and Prez arrived at one-thirty, about ten minutes early. We talked about a lot of things from music to coming out at school on the drive to Anaheim. Pete became uncomfortable as we spoke about being openly gay in school.

    "Brian and I have talked about coming out at school," Pete said at one point, "but it seems like something always comes up. First it was a group of guys attacking me and my brothers in a parking lot, and then somebody pulling a knife on me. And then there are my bio parents and Curt, my brother’s bio parents, even Brian’s mom to some degree. We’ve met so many phobic people that I’m not sure it’s a good idea to come out at all. I don’t see the benefit outweighing the cost."

    "Pete," Keith said as he turned to look at him, "no one says that you have to come out. For us it was… we wanted to be free to do the same things everyone else did, like holding hands or kissing in the hall. Prez got jumped by some guys too. You’ve seen the scar."

    "There comes a point where you have to take a stand," Prez added. "My dad is phobic too. After everything that happened, after moving out here and meeting Keith, I called him up and told him I never wanted to hear from him again. And I haven’t."

    "With all due respect, Prez, your situation is a bit different than mine," Pete insisted. "Did your dad ever hurt you? Physically, I mean."

    "I get your point, Pete," Preston responded darkly.

    "Some people like you and Brian don’t have any support when you come out," Keith remarked. "Prez and I have had our parents’ support since the beginning."

    "It’s worse than that," Pete snapped. "Ray was put into the hospital by his bio parents three times before they kicked him out at twelve. I was getting the shit kicked out of me every other day by my mother’s boyfriend. And let’s not forget Tony! He almost died. They still don’t know the extent of the damage."

    "Whoa, easy, Pete," Prez said, stopping Pete’s rant in its tracks.

    "I’m sorry," my boyfriend sighed. "It’s just that after all the shit I’ve seen…. I’m afraid. I’m scared that some day something will happen and I’ll lose Brian. I couldn’t handle that."

    "We can’t live our lives in a bubble, babe," I rebutted calmly. "We have to live our lives. If we let everything that could happen dictate our lives, then we wouldn’t get out of bed."

    Pete’s wry smile caught me by surprise for a moment, but then I caught on.

    "You know what I mean," I continued. "I don’t want to live like a hermit. I don’t want to be afraid of my own shadow, looking over my shoulder. Maybe coming out during high school isn’t a good idea, but after we graduate and go to a college or university, people might be more accepting."

    Pete grunted, obviously not convinced.

    When we pulled into the parking lot, it wasn’t the park that caught our attention - it was all of the people. The place was packed! It seemed that at every turn there was a cute guy to look at, too. I had to mentally stop myself from staring, and even then Pete noticed. Of course I noticed him doing his share of ogling, and I made sure he knew that I was watching him as well.

    From the moment Keith and Prez stepped out of the truck, they held hands or walked arm-in-arm. Keith would drape his arm over Preston’s shoulder and Prez would wrap his arm around Keith’s waist.

    Pete was intently studying the two boys and scanning the crowd, looking for a reaction to them holding each other. Some people stared at them and there were even a few hostile glares, but they went on as if they didn’t notice. Maybe they actually didn’t notice.

    About the time we reached the end of Main Street I felt Pete tentatively take my hand in his. Surprised, I looked up at him to get an idea of his thoughts. Pete gazed back at me with steely eyes, and then he smiled and squeezed my hand tightly. I squeezed him back and found we’d fallen behind Keith and Prez. We hurried to catch up to them.

    The first thing we did was get in line for Space Mountain. We happened to follow a group of teen-aged girls in the queue. One of them bore a striking resemblance to Kerry, and it took me back for a moment stopping me in my tracks. Preston ran into me from the rear.

    "Sorry, Brian." When I didn’t respond, he asked, "Are you okay?"

    "Huh? Yeah. Sorry."

    I hurried to catch up to Pete. When I stood next to him, I said in an urgent whisper, "She looks like Kerry." Pete followed my gaze and put his arm around me sympathetically. "I thought it was her for a moment…."

    "It’s okay, Brian," my boyfriend said quietly. "Kerry’s home with her parents now."

    "I know. It just startled me."

    "Who is Kerry?" Keith asked.

    "She’s this girl we met on the way down here," Pete replied casually. He continued to tell the whole series of events surrounding our stay at that campground. Somehow his telling contained a lot more humor than I remembered at the time. Pete made Allison’s attempt to force herself upon me seem like a bad soap opera and had Keith and Prez laughing their asses off.

    "You have had an interesting vacation," Prez chuckled once Pete had concluded his tale.

    "I think that’s the understatement of the year, Prez," I agreed. "Between that, the people we met in Oregon and the time at home, I feel like I’ve been on the road for a year."

    "Hey!" Pete’s indignant objection caused our friends to laugh again.

    Smiling at my boyfriend, I wrapped my arm around him.

    I amended my statement, "Except for you, babe. I could spend the rest of my life alone with you."

    I raised myself on my tiptoes and planted a quick peck on Pete’s lips. His eyes grew wide. He quickly looked around to see if anyone had noticed me kiss him, and undeniably we had been seen. However, the faces turned toward us were far from hostile, although a few looked shocked. A couple of younger men in the switchback ahead of us smiled and stood just a little bit closer to each other. Another couple, a man and a woman, smiled at us as well. The girls ahead of us were staring at us wide-eyed as they whispered their comments back and forth. Pete pulled me against him and we returned their scrutiny with smiles. Prez and Keith were chuckling behind us, and as I looked back, they shared a quick peck of their own.

    I couldn’t believe I’d just kissed Pete in a crowded public place. It went completely against my usual reticence for displays of affection around other people, but here we were holding hands, hugging and even sharing a kiss in plain sight. Pete was undoubtedly pleased, but I could sense a tension in him, too.

    "Are you okay?" I asked with a tinge of worry.

    "I’m fine, Bri," he assured me with a squeeze. "You just surprised me."

    "I know. That’s why I’m asking."

    He glanced at me and took a deep breath, sending a stab of dread through me.

    "You’re always surprising me, Brian."

    "What’s… Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

    "Neither. Or both. It’s hard sometimes not being able to predict how you’re going to act or react, but for the most part I like what I’m seeing and what I’m getting because of it."

    "For the most part?"

    "Yeah. Sometimes you scare me, too." Pete said the words as though he were talking about the weather. It was disconcerting.

    "Hey, guys," Keith interrupted, "after this, how about we head over to the Pirates of the Caribbean and get something to eat? The restaurant there is expensive and the service is slow, but the atmosphere is nice."

    "Sounds good to me," my boyfriend amiably replied. "How about you, Bri?"

    "Sure. I’ll be starving by then." I said it as deadpan as I could.

    Keith laughed.

    "What’d I miss?" His redheaded boyfriend asked.

    Keith didn’t stop chortling and simply pointed at me. Grumbling, I turned around as though nothing had happened, feeling slightly abused.

    I loved Pirates of the Caribbean, both the ride and the restaurant. By the time we were seated I was indeed famished. When it came, the food was wonderful. My steak was broiled to perfection and Pete claimed his catfish was excellent. He offered me a bite but I refused and told him he’d have to scrub out his mouth before I kissed him again. I hate seafood.

    After we ate, we continued at a leisurely pace toward The Haunted Mansion. A quick consensus directed us toward the line. Just as we entered the switchbacks, we were surrounded by a tour group from the Far East somewhere. Being the last one in our group, I became aware of the uncomfortable sensation of being crowded. I looked over my shoulder to see one of the tour group members standing so close that he would run into me if I stopped. He continued to follow me at close proximity until we reached the end of the line, and when I stopped, the Asian man stood within six inches of me. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I felt anxious.

    Hoping I could somehow gain some space, I grabbed Pete’s shoulder and turned him to face me, but once he was I had nothing to say. My expression pleaded with him to understand what I needed.

    "Are you okay, Brian?" He asked.

    "No. I’m feeling a little claustrophobic right now." I was so nervous my voice was even shaking.

    Pete’s puzzled face changed to a sympathetic smile. "Here. Stand in front of me."

    Gratefully, I did as he asked. My anxiety level fell instantly.

    The line continued to move forward. We four talked a little more about our histories and what we planned to do when we got out of high school. I was surprised to learn Keith hadn’t really decided what he wanted to do outside of being where Prez would be, but upon later reflection I wasn’t really that surprised. Pete planned on doing that exact thing when we went to college.

    The Haunted Mansion was fun. The guide did an excellent job, inviting us to stand in the dead center of the room with a completely expressionless voice. We did as she asked and I found myself again surround by the tour group. I watched as the cast shut the door behind us, cutting the tour group in half. The operator had to remove a couple of them, ordering them back into line to wait for the next cycle.

    Pete pulled me close in front of him and I squeezed his hand in thanks. He rested his hand on my shoulder and began to knead the tension out of my shoulders and neck. He continued until we left the antechamber and joined the switchbacks for the rest of the ride. We almost fell over as the tour group rushed past us and got into the line ahead of us. I shook my head in disbelief and no small measure of relief. Being crowded was not one of my favorite things.

    Preston and Keith watched their antics with much amusement. They started laughing outright when the first of the tour group hit the moving walkway to get into their tomb-buggies. I thought Jerry Springer should have been filming the mad dash with the way they started pushing and pulling to be one of the first in a car.

    The events I’d witnessed combined with my thoughts hit my conscience. I started to wonder why they would act as they did. Everyone was going to get on a car, so why did they make such a ruckus? It took me a while to come up with an answer that satisfied me in any way. When we got out of the mansion I mentioned my observations to my companions.

    "I think I figured it out, guys," I began.

    "Figured what out?" Keith asked.

    "Why that tour group was so pushy."

    All three of them waited for me to continue with curiosity.

    "They’re not from here. I mean, they’re from China or something. It’s really crowded. Maybe they don’t think about crowding other people because it’s not a big deal over there."

    "Makes sense," Pete said.

    "And the fight to get on the buggies?" Keith prompted.

    "Kind of the same thing. We’re pretty sure that everyone will get a turn, so why make a big fuss? Maybe over there with all of those people, maybe not everyone gets a turn so they have to fight it out?"

    My boyfriend’s brow furrowed as he thought about what I said. Keith and Prez glanced at each other and then at me, wearing a wry grin.

    Prez half-jokingly quipped, "Do you ever stop thinking, Brian?"

    I returned their grin with a guilty half-smile. "’Fraid not. Don’t know how."

    Pete spoke in a thoughtful voice. "You hear about people from other places and different cultures and never really think about it. I’ve never really seen it like this, though."

    "Cheer up!" Preston laughed. "You guys are way too serious. You’re on vacation! You do enough thinking in school."

    "Let’s hit Thunder Mountain next," Keith suggested.

    We agreed and trod off to join the queue for the roller coaster.

    "What are you guys doing for the rest of your trip?" Keith inquired a short while later.

    "We’re going down to San Diego for a couple of days to see the zoo and the animal park. After that we had planned on going to Phoenix and up through Nevada to the Hoover Dam, then back through LA and up to Yosemite, back to San Francisco, over to Lassen, Crater Lake and then back toward home."

    "When are you planning to be in Yosemite?" Keith asked, a glint in his eye.

    "We were thinking around the twentieth," Pete replied.

    "No way!" Preston exclaimed. "That’s when we’re going to be there!"

    "You’re kidding!" Pete was as surprised as I was.

    Our friends shook their heads with a smile.

    "Do you guys have a place to stay up there?" Keith asked.

    "Well, we have reservations at a hotel about thirty miles from the park. It was the best I could get when I planned things out," Pete explained.

    "Call and cancel them," Keith said after a glance at Prez. "We have a place in the park with room enough for you guys too, if you don’t mind camping out."

    "Sweet!" Pete responded excitedly. "I wanted to get a tent, but by the time we got around to making our plans it was way too late. We’ll only be able to stay a day or two, though. You guys know the park? We’ve never been there."

    "No problem. I can show you around," Keith said confidently. "Here’s the line for Thunder Mountain."

    As the afternoon faded into evening, I felt a bond forming. Pete and I were growing closer to Keith and Preston. Though we’d only known them for a few days, I found that I was able to relax and lower some of my usual defenses and to display affection in public. The two older boys didn’t make a big deal out of it, but if one were to watch them, it quickly became obvious they were a couple. I tried to follow their example to Pete’s surprise and delight.

    We ate dinner at the Big Thunder Barbecue just after our second train ride. The place was packed. It took us thirty minutes to make it to the serving line. Actually getting our food went pretty fast but paying for it took ages. By the time we sat at one of the picnic tables that filled the place my food was mostly cold. It was still very good, though. I had the Prime Rib, and it was very good for having been mass-produced.

    After dinner we spent the rest of our time at the park running from ride to ride. When midnight rolled around, we all agreed that it was time to head home. With the fireworks going off behind us, we made our way to the front gate and to the tram that took us to where we were parked.

    On the drive back we decided to drop in on Mike and Derrick to see if they were still awake. When we arrived, the front of the house was dark but we could see light from the open bedroom door shining out through the kitchen window. Keith snuck up to look inside.

    "They’re getting busy in there," he said with an evil grin as he washed his hands in a maniacal manner.

    "Shall we interrupt?" Prez asked, wagging his eyebrows. His expression matched his boyfriend’s mischievous visage.

    "I think so," Keith confirmed. "This is too good to pass up. Pete, you’re going to be the police."

    "I am?" Pete said, surprised at his sudden participation in their scheme.

    "You are. You too, Brian. Walk up, pound on the door and yell, ‘Police!’ Brian, you do the same thing a few seconds later and then run for the truck. We’ll be gone before they can get to the door!"

    The plan appealed to me. It wasn’t often I got to take part in something this diabolical. I’m sure my own insane grin creased my face.

    "Sounds good to me," I stated excitedly. "Ready, babe?"

    "Yeah. Let’s do it."

    Pete and I walked to the door and took our position. Keith got in the back seat behind Prez and left the passenger side doors open for us. When everything was ready, Keith gave the high sign. With all the force I could muster I pounded on the door and made an incredible racket.

    "Police! Open up!"

    Pete’s bellow echoed around the neighborhood as I continued pounding for a moment more before I spoke in a loud false-baritone.

    "Police! Open the door!"

    I banged on the door a few more times and then bolted for the truck, following on my boyfriend’s heels. Behind us I heard the door open and a steady stream of epithets issue from inside the house. As I dove into the 4Runner, something flew past me and hit Keith in the gut. Prez was already accelerating down the street even before I got my door closed.

    All four of us were laughing uproariously most of the way back to our hotel. Keith told us that Mike had opened the door butt-naked, cursing up a storm. As we had driven away he’d flipped us off in so many ways that Keith lost count. When we arrived and were getting out of the truck, something caught my eye down on the floor-boards.

    "Hey Keith, what is that?" I asked, pointing it out to him.

    Keith reached down and started laughing. We joined him a second later when he held up what Mike had thrown at me: a dildo.

    Mike and Derrick weren’t sure who to seek their revenge on first the following morning when we met at the beach. Mike tore out after Keith the instant they saw each other, much to Corey and Drew’s amusement. Derrick was obviously torn between giving Prez what for and Keith his just reward, but finally ended up chasing me! I ran from him for fifty yards or so and then turned to face him, grinning.

    "They put you up to it. I know they did," the blond said with an evil smile as we circled one another.

    "Yup!" I answered unrepentantly. "Had fun doing it, too."

    Derrick laughed and then charged me. Reflexes took over and I darted around behind him, grabbing him around his waist. He tried to spin in my grasp but I held on tightly, trying to control the taller boy as I would another wrestler. Try as he might, Derrick couldn’t shake me, and the longer I held him the harder we laughed. A second later I felt arms go around my waist and an attempt to rip me off Derrick.

    "Cop a feel of my boyfriend, will you?" Mike asked loudly as he heaved on me again with a grunt.

    I held on pulling Derrick backward into me, sandwiching myself between them. When Mike loosened his arms to get a better grip, I dropped out and rolled away coming up on my feet, smiling broadly and ready to scrap.

    "Damn, boy, you is slippery!" Mike exclaimed as he pushed Derrick off to one side.

    The two surrounded me, one on each side. I stood sideways to them so I could see them both in my peripheral vision. I caught only a flash of movement in both directions.

    "Damn you, Keith!" Shouted Mike as he struggled to pull up the shorts Keith had almost relieved him of.

    Derrick was chasing Preston down the beach, yelling at him the whole way. Keith took advantage of the head start he had and took off running. I was only a second behind him, and Mike was right on my heels. A quick juke left Mike sputtering, allowing me to return to my boyfriend who, with Corey and Drew, had been laughing at the lot of us.

    Once Mike and Derrick were satisfied for the moment, we got down to the serious business of taking some rides, trading off boards so that the younger boys could have their turn. Around noon, the eight of us split up into teams and played Frisbee football. We thought it fair that each person would cover his boyfriend. I immediately tightened the waist of my board shorts to make sure Pete wouldn’t follow Keith and Preston’s examples. After a moments pause, the other guys did the same. We played for an hour or so, and then Drew called a halt to the game.

    "I have to sit down, guys," he said with a sideways glance at his boyfriend. "I’m tired."

    "Aw," gasped a breathless Corey.

    His tone said he was disappointed, but his posture told the real story. The two plodded up to where our gear was as the rest of us looked on.

    "Do you think he overdid it?" Keith asked quietly.

    "I hope not," Preston said worriedly.

    Pete said thoughtfully, "I don’t think so. He’ll be okay after a while. He was having fun, and I know Drew was watching him the whole time. He knew Corey was done, so he claimed to be tired."

    Keith smiled and said “Drew didn’t want Corey to be embarrassed. That’s too cute. Mike, get your guitar. Prez, get your bass. We have an hour until we gotta jet home for work.”

    "Mike, bring the bongos, too," requested Derrick.

    "Sure thang," Mike said in a bad imitation of Preston’s Texas accent.

    Derrick rolled his eyes and Keith snickered. Drew and Corey were speaking quietly to each other when we approached them, but they stopped when we sat down. It didn’t bother me; the two boys had a lot to discuss given the events that had occurred in their lives in the previous two weeks.

    Mike and Prez arrived with the instruments in hand. Once everyone was settled, they played tunes we all knew and could sing along with. Occasionally people would walk by and stop to listen, but they never stayed long. It was disconcerting having an audience, no matter how small, but I kept singing because I was enjoying it. The eight of us kept it up until Keith, Preston, Mike and Derrick had to head home and get ready for work.

    "Hey, Pete? Brian?" Drew began as we were packing up to leave. "Would you guys like to come over? Corey and I were thinking about going over to his place later and soaking in their pool."

    "Yeah," Corey said, sounding somewhat forced. "It’ll be cool."

    "Sure," Pete replied, taking note of Corey’s seeming reluctance, "if that’s fine with you guys. We wouldn’t want to crowd you or anything."

    "No, it’s okay," Corey confirmed, not sounding quite so resigned. "Maybe… maybe we could talk to you about working out and stuff."

    I nodded and replied, "Sure. We should do that at your place, Drew, unless Corey has some weights at his house."

    Corey shook his head. "No, we don’t have any."

    Pete said, "We’ll meet you at Drew’s place after we get cleaned up, then."

    "And after we get something to eat," I added. "So give us an hour or two."

    "Cool," Drew replied. "See you sometime after three-thirty then."

    When we arrived back at the hotel, Pete led me by the hand to our room. As soon as we were inside the door, he led me into the bed. Once at the bed, he undressed me, and once naked, we made love.

    We arrived at the Hundser’s house shortly before four. Drew answered the door.

    "Come on in. We’re playing Nintendo. Want something to drink?"

    "Water for me, please," I replied.

    Pete asked, "Do you have any Coke?"

    "Sure do," Drew said as he obtained a glass from the cupboard. "Ice?"

    "Please," Pete and I chorused.

    "Hi guys," Corey said as he walked up on us.

    He helped himself to a glass and got some water, too. Drew poured himself a Coke and led us to the den.

    As he sat next to Corey, Drew said, "I was thinking about this on the way home. Can you show us your workout routine, Brian?"

    When Corey glared at him, Drew asked, "What? You know you want to work out, so why not ask Brian? I mean, look at his body!"

    "Yeah, I know…" Corey’s words drifted off.

    I looked at the Hundser boy.

    "Drew, nothing will work if Corey doesn’t want to work it. You can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to do."

    I shifted my gaze to Corey, who dropped his eyes.

    "Corey, do you want me to show you? I will if you want me to."

    Corey glanced at me before dropping his eyes again, and mumbled something that sounded like assent. The boy then glared at Drew, his face angry.

    "I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about this, Drew! Yeah, I went to the hospital. I’m fine now!"

    "Corey …." Drew began, but Pete interrupted the younger boy before he could go any further.

    "It should be a big deal to you, Corey, because it’s a big deal to Drew. Something like this affects both of you."

    A rebellious expression settled on Corey’s face, and it sparked something inside of me.

    "Think about it from Drew’s standpoint for a minute," I said earnestly. "What would his life be like if you hadn’t just passed out? What if you had died? What would he do? What would your family do?"

    Corey glanced at me and then looked away again, still angry.

    "Or what if Drew died - just dropped dead on you," I bluntly continued. "What would you do? What would his family do?"

    Corey still didn’t look at me, but I thought I saw his eyes glistening in the light from the setting sun.

    What else can I say to him? I wondered. A thought struck me. I asked myself, do I really want Pete to know?

    Taking a deep breath, I turned to face Corey directly. He looked at me, his eyes blazing. I spoke quietly while struggling to project a sense of calm I did not have.

    "Corey, I almost died. I still think about it — every day."

    The kid snorted and shook his head with impatience. I pushed on.

    "Every time I think about it, I imagine what it would be like for the people I love if I weren’t alive. I imagine what would have happened and what they would be doing now if I was dead."

    "Bri… don’t." Pete’s voice pleaded with me as he laid his hand on my shoulder in entreaty to stop.

    "I have to, babe. You have a right to know. I’m tired of hiding things."

    Pete stiffened beside me. I knew that I once again had betrayed his trust. Tears began forming in my eyes and clouded my vision. I did not wipe them away.

    "Corey, if I had succeeded in killing myself, Pete might not be here right now. His mom and her boyfriend might have killed him, or he might have killed himself. I was the reason why he got away from her. Without that, anything could have happened."

    "If I had died, Pete, Chris, Kathlene, my mom and dad, they all would have fallen apart from the guilt they would carry in their hearts. My sister wouldn’t have a brother any more. All the people who tried to help me would have to live with the fact that they had failed to keep me alive."

    Corey was staring at me now, his expression uncertain.

    "I think about that every single day, every time I see Pete smile or when he holds my hand. I think about that every time I talk to my dad, or Chris, or Kathlene or anyone else who is important to me.

    "What would have happened if you had died out there on that tennis court?" I asked again with brutal intensity.

    "I didn’t die!" Corey spat back.

    "No, you didn’t," I agreed without hesitation, "but what if you had?"

    "I wasn’t in any danger."

    "No? Then why did you go to the hospital? You may not have been in any danger that time, but if you keep going as you are, it will happen again and you might not be so lucky then."

    My words gave the boy pause.

    "What would have happened?" I demanded brutally. "Tell me what Drew’s life would be like if you weren’t here right now?"

    Pete tightened his grip on my shoulder to the point of pain. I acknowledged him with a quick backward glance that did not allow me to see his face. When I looked at Corey again, he was watching his boyfriend. I followed his eyes and found what Pete had been trying to communicate.

    Drew was silently crying. He was rocking slightly and had his arms around his ribs, trying to hold it all in and failing. Corey took a step toward him and stopped, his expression now showing the worry he felt.

    "Drew?" He said tremulously.

    Drew looked at Corey with tear-filled eyes but remained silent.

    "Drew?" Corey repeated, unnerved by the boy’s silence and unsure of what to do.

    Drew spoke in a whimper. "C-Corey… I don’t w-want to lo-lose you."

    The two boys stared at each other for a moment before Corey knelt to face Drew.

    Drew, his voice husky with his emotions, pleaded, "Please, Cor. Please- if you won’t take care of yourself for you, then p-please, do it for me!"

    If nothing else had struck Corey, Drew’s quiet, plaintive plea hit home. Tears filled Corey’s eyes, and he reached up to put his arms around Drew’s waist, and Drew, in turn, put his arms around Corey. When it became apparent that they would need some time, Pete and I withdrew from the bedroom into the living room so they could have their privacy. I sat on the couch and Pete perched next to me. I looked at him and was surprised by the intensity of his gaze. He studied me under furrowed brows for a moment before he spoke.

    "Why didn’t you tell me, Brian? Why didn’t you tell me about any of it? I thought you trusted me."

    "It’s not about trust, Pete." When he was about to object I hurriedly continued, "Not for me. All this thinking about what life would be like, it’s… it keeps reminding me what’s important: you, Jason, Kevin and Ray, dad and mom, Dawn…."

    "You’re important too, Brian," he said dourly.

    "The only reason I’m important is because I am important to you," I declared softly. "You are the center of my world, Pete. That’s one reason I’m so scared of doing something wrong. I’m like Drew — I don’t want to lose you."

    "Brian, I’m never…"

    I shushed him with a finger and said, "You can’t say that, Pete. You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. No one can. There may come a point in time where I do something or you decide you can’t live with me anymore. The only thing I can do is do my best for you today, because I don’t know for sure that tomorrow will give me a chance."

    "Brian, you’re scaring me," Pete said softly, his voice worried. "It’s like you’ve already made up your mind we’re not going to make it."

    "No, no, no, not at all!" I insisted. "Pete, these last couple weeks have had me doing some serious thinking, and it finally hit me when Preston told us about his mom dying. We don’t know how much time we have left. I need to know what is most important so I don’t waste any more of my life than I already have."

    "Jesus, Brian," Pete breathed, "How old are you? You sound like some… some…"

    "Old man? Yeah, I guess I do, but it all makes sense, doesn’t it?"

    "It still scares me, Brian. When you talk like that, it makes me feel like you’re going to kill yourself or something."

    I shook my head in negation and stated, "I promised you I wouldn’t. I don’t even consider it, Pete. I did once, a long time ago, but not now."

    "You never told me that, either."

    "Pete," I sighed, "there are some things that I forget about until something else brings them up. I don’t know if I blocked them out or what, but I don’t remember every detail of every day I lived with Chris and mom. I’m not hiding it from you, I just don’t remember."

    "You don’t remember thinking about killing yourself," Pete said incredulously.

    "No, I didn’t until we started talking about it, and then I just told you."

    We sat in silence staring into each other’s eyes, his face expressionless. It became difficult to meet his gaze after a long moment, but I did the best I could. Suddenly Pete launched himself toward me and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

    I felt his hot breath on my ear as he murmured, "God I love you, Brian. I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts."

    I wrapped my arms around my lover as best I could and buried my face into his shoulder. Turning my head, I kissed his neck gently.

    "I love you too, Pete."

    He released my arms and I immediately threw them around his neck. We shifted so we could lay side-by-side on the couch, arms still around each other.

    "Don’t wake them up, dude," Corey’s soft voice said.

    "You don’t have to," I responded.

    We had simply been lying next to each other soaking in the contact, something we both enjoyed. Pete squeezed me once more before releasing me, and I rolled off the couch to land on all fours.

    As I stood I asked, "What are we doing?"

    "Uh, can you show me? How to work out, I mean?" Corey questioned, a shy smile on his lips.

    I returned his smile.

    "Sure, Corey. Let’s go."

    Drew led the four of us out to the garage. We cleared enough space around the bench so we could use it.

    "The cool thing about working out is that it keeps you healthy and burns calories," I began.

    "Duh," was Corey’s response, which I ignored.

    "Don’t be surprised if you don’t lose weight. You will probably gain weight."

    "I don’t want to gain," Corey said emphatically.

    "At least you’ll know you’re getting heavier because of muscle and not fat," I stated firmly. "Think you can live with that?"

    Corey nodded slowly at first, and then faster.

    "Okay, then, here is what you’re going to do."

    We spent over an hour going over some of the exercises I thought would help Corey. Both he and Drew paid close attention as I showed them the proper forms for their lifts and exercises. I had them do a set each to make sure they had it right, and then we talked about other things they could do besides lifting, such as running, biking, swimming and tennis.

    By the time we were done with their mini-workout, we were all ready for a dip in Corey’s pool. Corey briefly introduced us to his mom as friends of Drew and then ushered us out back to the pool. The moment he was close enough, Corey shoved Drew in. Drew got his head above water just in time to be swamped by Corey’s cannon ball. When they emerged from the water again, Corey was wearing a wide grin.

    "You asshole," Drew shouted, and he then attacked his boyfriend and dunked him.

    Pete and I were laughing so hard I stumbled my way to the pool. A good firm shove from Pete was all it took to get me in the water. When I regained my feet, Pete was standing next to me mimicking Corey’s grin.

    "Oh, you’re going to pay," I growled, and reached for Pete as he tried to get away. I managed to wrap my arms around his waist.

    "Brian, don’t do anything you’ll regret, now," Pete laughed as he continued to struggle.

    "Regret? Oh, no. I’m gonna love this!"

    I pulled Pete off his feet and rolled to the side causing us both to go down.

    "Bri…"

    Pete’s voice was cut off as his head went under the water. I released him and pulled away. Pete was still spluttering as I breached the surface. I heard our two friends laughing at us. Corey was about five feet away from me.

    "What are you laughing at, Corey?"

    I grabbed him just as he tried to escape.

    "Drew, help me!" Corey called through a giggle.

    "Are you kidding?" Drew questioned incredulously. "Brian would kill me!"

    I adjusted my grip for a better hold on the squirming kid.

    "Yeah, well, he’s gonna kill me!"

    I quickly ducked under the water and got below Corey, placed a hand on his gut and the other on his butt. Using my legs, I lifted Corey out of the water and launched him. With a startled yelp, he landed flat on the water about ten feet away.

    When his head popped above water he was laughing hard. I glanced at Drew who was smiling at his boyfriend. Drew was watching me out of the corner of his eye, so when I moved toward him he was able to back away. I jumped at him and managed to get him wrapped up.

    "Brian…"

    I didn’t give him a chance to protest. I launched him in much the same way as I had Corey. My efforts, however, resulted in me being stalked by all three of my companions.

    "Oh, Brian," Pete called sweetly in a singsong voice. "I’ve got something for you!"

    "Yeah, but I’d prefer you wait until we’re in private," I quipped.

    Corey laughed and then said, "Yeah, well, I have something for you, too."

    "Me three," Drew added.

    I was backed into the corner, so I took the only logical escape route: I jumped out of the pool. Once on dry land, I watched as my stalkers climbed out and surrounded me.

    "Payback time!" Corey exclaimed.

    As if that was a signal, all three rushed me at once. Pete got me around the waist and took me to the ground. Before I could escape, Drew grabbed my arms and Corey wrapped up my legs.

    "Don’t fight us, Bri," Pete grinned, "it’ll just make it worse."

    The three of them managed to pick me up by the arms and legs, carried me to the pool and on the count of three threw me in. When I got my head above water again, I was hit by a triple cannonball that swamped me.

    The four of us made it to the shallow end for a breather.

    "Truce?" I asked breathlessly.

    "Truce," they chorused.

    I couldn’t help but to start laughing again. It was fun being able to act my age for a while. Everything was so adult with my family, and even with Kevin and Jason. I missed most of my childhood where goofing off like we were doing at the time was normal. Now, at nearly sixteen, I’d be getting my driver’s license and starting the process of choosing where to go to school once I graduated. I felt like I had grown up too fast, and for the first time that I could remember, it hurt.

    "What is it, Bri?" Pete asked softly.

    I smiled, but I could tell it didn’t reach my eyes.

    "Just thinking again."

    "What about?" Corey asked.

    "Just about how much fun it is messing around with you guys, regretting that I didn’t do it more when I was… younger."

    Pete was watching me. He frowned as I had spoken but remained silent.

    "Like you're old or something," Corey snorted. "You’re fifteen; you’re just a kid. You’re still allowed."

    "I feel old though."

    "Bri, don’t think about it," said Pete. "We’re here, we’re on vacation, we’re with friends, and we can be as immature as we want to be."

    "I’ll try."

    "Are you doing anything tomorrow?" Corey asked me.

    "Beach in the morning, but other than that…"

    I looked at Pete and he shook his head.

    "No plans," Pete added.

    "Do you want to come over tomorrow?"

    "Sure," Pete said as I nodded.

    The four of us swam around and relaxed for a while, no one saying anything of import. I watched Drew and Corey and their interaction with one another. They were a good looking couple, and very close if I was any judge of such things. Pete stood near me as I observed them and put his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him, laying my head on his shoulder, and he squeezed me tighter.

    "I love you, Bri," he said softly and then kissed my head.

    "Love you, too, babe."

    "You’re going to get burned if we don’t get out," said my boyfriend. "You’re already pink."

    "Yeah, I suppose."

    We climbed out of the pool and sat at the patio table under the umbrella. Drew joined us a few moments later while Corey wrapped a towel around him and ran inside.

    When the door closed I said, "Corey seems like a nice guy, Drew. I think you got pretty lucky."

    "Yeah, I did," he replied simply. "I love him."

    "It shows," Pete commented. "Just as much as his love for you shows."

    Drew frowned, and after a moment asked, "We’re only fourteen. How do we know that what we have is love?"

    "Drew," Pete answered, "you just said it: You love him. Don’t hold what you have together up against anything or anybody else. What Brian and I have, what your brother and Preston have, Mike and Derrick, they all came from different circumstances. Each relationship is different. Enjoy what you have…"

    Corey opened the door and came out.

    "…and don’t worry about anybody else."

    "Hey, do you want to stay for dinner? My mom said you could."

    "Sure," Pete answered after receiving my approving nod. "When do we eat?"

    "Mom said around six-thirty. It’s six now."

    "We better get cleaned up then," said Pete as he stood.

    Corey tossed us towels and led us inside after we had dried off a bit. He took us to his room to dry the rest of the way and to change into something presentable for dinner. The room was neat with little clutter. Corey had a queen bed that was unmade, with the covers hastily thrown over the bed. I grinned to myself thinking that the larger bed would make Drew happy. Posters of the Oakland A’s and various computer sports games adorned the walls, and two baseball bats were propped up in a corner near a desk that held a computer. At the foot of the bed was a tall dresser with a combination TV/VCR. Bookshelves held several paperbacks and other books, a bowling trophy and a mounted butterfly. A compact disk changer and disks littered a nightstand.

    "Nice room, Corey," I commented. "Big."

    "Yeah. I like it. So does Drew," the boy said with a sly glance at his friend.

    "I bet he does," I chuckled.

    Without thought, I stripped out of my trunks and continued drying myself. It wasn’t until I reached for my boxer briefs that I noticed Corey and Drew watching me. Caught in the act, the two hurried to get changed themselves. I glanced at Pete and saw he had noticed. He smiled and shrugged.

    "Brian, how much can you bench?" Drew asked as he continued to dress.

    "I don’t know. I haven’t tried recently. I was doing reps with two-hundred."

    Corey was still looking me over, and it made me uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it, but something in his eyes gave me pause.

    "Something I can help you with, Corey?" I asked quietly.

    The boy sighed. "No. Well, yeah. How do you deal with gaining weight from the muscle you put on?"

    I glanced at Pete, but he was hopping around trying to put on his shorts.

    "I didn’t deal with it well before Pete and I got back together. I told you about that. Since then, I measure myself regularly so I can tell if I’m putting on muscle or not. Other than that, I just watch my weight and try to maintain. Another thing you can measure is body fat."

    "I have too much of that," Corey said dejectedly.

    "I don’t think so, Corey. Ten to twenty percent is healthy and normal. Athletes tend to have less. Last time I was measured I was at seven, which is as low as my doctor wants me to go. That means I have to move my weight up if I wrestle this year."

    "Corey, you’re about five-six," I observed. "How much do you weigh?"

    "One-ten or so."

    "That sounds about right," I commented, "according to the charts I’ve seen, anyway."

    Corey didn’t answer and dropped his eyes. I decided to leave the topic and finished getting dressed.

    "Corey? Come and set the table, please," called Corey’s mom.

    "Coming," Corey called back. "Want to help me, Drew?"

    "Sure."

    "Come on and I’ll introduce you to my dad," Corey said as he opened the door.

    We followed him down the hall and into the den where Corey’s father sat working on a computer. He was a big man standing at least six-four. When he stood to greet us it was apparent he was carrying a little bit of extra weight.

    "Dad, this is Pete and Brian," Corey said. "They’re the guys we told you about."

    "I’m Bill Seaver," the man said in a deep but warm voice. "It’s nice to meet you, Pete, Brian." He shook Pete’s hand, and then mine. "Corey said you two are a couple?"

    "Yes, sir," Pete answered with a smile.

    Mr. Seaver asked, "How long have you been together?"

    "It’s a bit complicated," I responded. "We’ve known we love each other for three years, but we’ve only been together for eight months. Pete moved away, and we were separated for a while."

    "How did you get together again?" The man asked. "Did you move back, Pete?"

    I appreciated that the man was trying to have a conversation with us, but his topic was getting dangerously close to something I didn’t want to share with him. Pete answered, allaying my fears somewhat.

    "It’s a long, ugly story," Pete said with gravity.

    Bill shifted his gaze from Pete to me and back again.

    "All is well now, I trust?" He asked, acceding to our silent request.

    "Yes, sir," Pete replied as he threw his arm around my shoulder and squeezed.

    "Glad to hear it," Corey’s father said with a smile. "You’re what, Pete? Sixteen?"

    "I just turned seventeen a couple of weeks ago. Brian will be sixteen in September," Pete said, answering Mr. Seaver’s next question. "We’ll be juniors this year."

    Corey’s mom walked into the room.

    "This is my wife, Lanna," the man said. "May I introduce you to Pete and Brian?"

    "We met earlier, but it was a little rushed," she said.

    "Well, let's make it formal. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Seaver," Pete said, offering his hand.

    She smiled. "And you, Pete."

    I duplicated my boyfriend's actions and received the same response. She shook with a gentle grasp. I was startled at how soft her skin was.

    "Corey, you still need to set the table," his mom reminded him.

    "Oops. Sorry, mom," Corey said contritely. "C’mon Drew."

    The two boys left the room with Mrs. Seaver, leaving us in the den with her husband.

    "How are you doing in school?" He asked after a slightly uncomfortable silence, motioning us to follow him to the family room as he spoke.

    Pete said, "Well enough. My grade point is a three-nine. Brian’s carrying a four-point."

    Mr. Seaver asked, "Do you play any sports?"

     "I used to play football, wrestle and run track," I supplied. "I’m not sure what I’ll do this year."

    Pete added, "I’m thinking about going out for football this year. I’ve never played, really, so I doubt I’d make the team."

    "At least you’re willing to try, Pete," responded Mr. Seaver. "A lot of boys wouldn’t."

    Pete shrugged. "I like trying new things."

    "Do you know what you are going to do after you get out of high school?" Bill inquired.

    "I’m not sure," I said thoughtfully. "I have a lot of interests. Nothing really stands out. It’ll be in the sciences or engineering, though."

    "I’m going with Brian, wherever he goes," Pete added, "so I’ll see what the school has for me. I’m leaning toward law. My dad is an attorney in Portland."

    "You are?" I asked my boyfriend with some surprise.

    "Uh huh," Pete said in the affirmative.

    Mr. Seaver nodded. "Both areas are admirable pursuits. I have no doubt you’ll be able to do what you set your mind to."

    "Dinner is ready," called Corey’s mom.

    We moved into the dining room and took our places at the table. Conversation centered on our trip down the coast. Pete and I, by tacit agreement, told a much sanitized version of events, not mentioning Pete’s parents or my mom’s attitude, and skipping entirely the incident involving Kerry in Oregon and Tony’s attack.

    We finished dinner around seven-thirty. After helping to clean up, we retreated to Corey’s room. He turned on the television and the four of us settled in on the bed, me leaning against Pete and Drew against Corey. Some time later, a commercial for Six Flags Magic Mountain came on.

    "That looks like fun," Drew said idly.

    "Yeah, it does," I sighed wistfully. "I haven’t been to a park like that since… I don’t remember when. Fifth grade?"

    "So why don’t we go tomorrow?" Pete asked. "It’s not like we have anything planned."

    "We said we’d go to the beach," I reminded him.

    "So we go to the beach in the morning and then to Magic Mountain in the afternoon," Pete answered. "Maybe we can take Drew and Corey with us."

    The two boys looked at us with a hopeful air of excitement. Corey pushed Drew up so he could rise.

    "What do you think?" Corey asked his boyfriend.

    "It’d be cool if we can go," Drew replied.

    "I’m going to ask my dad."

    Corey left the room in a hurry and came back a moment later with his father in tow.

    "You want to go to Magic Mountain tomorrow afternoon?" Bill Seaver asked with no preamble.

    "Yes, sir," Pete replied. "The commercial said the park closes at ten, so we’d be back here no later than midnight."

    The man looked at Pete for a moment. "I’d like to speak with you privately, please."

    I sat up, allowing Pete to stand. He cast an uncertain glance my way and then followed Mr. Seaver out of the room.

    "What’s that about," I wondered aloud.

    "Dad’s making sure we’ll be safe," Corey said. "Pete’s older than you are, so my dad is putting him in charge. If I can go at all."

    The television droned on as we waited for Pete’s return. When he did came back, Mr. Seaver was with him.

    "Corey, we’ve decided to let you go, but Pete is in charge. Do what he says. And make sure you eat something when you’re there."

    Corey rolled his eyes, but said, "Okay, dad. You don’t have to make a big deal about it."

    "I’m sure we can get him to eat something, Mr. Seaver," Pete said confidently, ignoring Corey’s baleful glare.

    "Good. Have a good time, boys."

    Corey’s father walked back out to the front of the house.

    "Chill out, Corey," Pete said as he resumed his place behind me. "If I didn’t promise to make sure you ate, you wouldn’t have been able to go."

    "It just pisses me off that he has to make a big deal about it," Corey complained.

    "He loves you, Corey," I stated. "He’s worried about you, otherwise he wouldn’t have said anything."

    "I know. It still makes me mad."

    "At least you get to go," Drew said, his voice cracking a bit.

    "Now we just have to get your mom and dad to say yes," Corey said as he took his place behind Drew again.

    "Are we staying here or at my house tonight?" Drew asked.

    "We can stay here if you want," Corey said with a sly smile.

    Drew unaccountably blushed as Corey rested his hands on Drew’s chest, pulling Drew back to lie on him. Pete squeezed me with his legs.

    "We should be going, guys. It looks like you want some alone time."

    Drew’s face grew even redder and Corey chuckled.

    "Yeah, some alone time would be good," Drew’s boyfriend said as he ran his hands down Drew’s chest and onto his stomach, smile still in place.

    "We’ll pick you up here at nine, okay? We’ll show ourselves out."

    "Buh-bye," Corey said playfully, now smirking.

    Pete and I laughed and closed the bedroom door. On the way out we thanked the Seavers for dinner and said we’d be back in the morning to pick Corey and Drew up.

    As Pete and I drove back to our hotel, we held hands and hummed along with the radio. We pulled into the parking lot not much after ten. Pete wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I put mine around his waist. We passed the same couple we had the night before. The woman was obviously angered by our display of affection. To tweak her even more, I put my other arm around Pete and hugged him tightly.

    "Have you no shame?" The woman spat.

    "Me? Ashamed of him?" I asked looking up at Pete. "Never."

    I reached up and planted a peck on Pete’s very surprised lips. "I could never be ashamed of my man."

    She spluttered for a moment and then said, "God said you will burn in hell!"

    "Your god, maybe," I responded without looking away from Pete. "My god is a god that teaches love, not hate. Jesus taught love, too. It’s too bad you don’t follow His teachings."

    I’d said the entire thing with a smile and without getting upset. When I looked back at the woman, I thought she was going to literally explode. Her face was rapidly approaching the color of an eggplant, and all I did was give her a saccharine smile.

    "Come on, babe," I said after a moment of hostile silence. "We don’t want to be around these heathens."

    I felt Pete stifle a laugh as we walked to our room. Once inside he let loose with a loud peal of laughter that had him doubled over. I grinned and watched as he fell onto the bed.

    "Oh my God, Brian! You are a riot! Calling them heathens!"

    His laughter continued, and I jumped on the bed to lie next to him. I put my head on his shoulder while he wound down. Once he had collected himself, I looked up at him. He was so beautiful. The smile he wore on his smooth face gave a special sparkle to his blue eyes.

    "Pete?"

    "Hmm?"

    "Love me."

    "Forever, Brian."

    As we drove to the beach, Drew lamented that he hadn’t remembered to ask his parents if he could accompany us to Magic Mountain.

    "It’s all your fault, Corey! If you hadn’t distracted me, I would have called them."

    Pete and I stole a glance at one another and shared a grin. They were a cute couple and I enjoyed their company.

    "It’s not my fault," refuted the smaller boy. "You didn’t have to come to bed! You could have called!"

    "Oh, right! Like I’m going to get out of bed when you’re holding my…"

    Drew stopped speaking so suddenly that I turned to look at him. He was candy-apple red and glaring at Corey.

    "Holding your… what, Drew?" Corey asked innocently with big eyes.

    Drew grumbled for a moment and then said in a huff, "Never mind!"

    "C’mon, dude," Corey responded, resting his hand on Drew’s thigh and petting him. "You can say it. I was holding your…"

    "Corey!" Drew said in exasperation.

    Drew’s boyfriend bit his tongue and somehow made it seem a sensuous act. I laughed and turned back around, allowing Drew a chance to recover his composure. A startled yelp told me Corey wasn’t going to give Drew a chance. A fierce whisper followed.

    "They don’t care, Drew. Just relax a little, okay? It’s not like I’m going to blow you right here or anything. Not that I haven’t thought about it."

    I stifled another guffaw at Corey’s blatant teasing. Pete patted my hand. He was smiling at their antics as well.

    "Corey, please?" Drew had such a cute whine.

    "All right… but you owe me," Corey said with mock frustration.

    "Anything… once we’re alone," Drew promised.

    "Okay. I’m taking you up on it!"

    I chanced a glance back and saw Corey kiss Drew lightly on the lips. Drew noticed me watching and blushed again.

    "Drew," I said, "It’s not a big deal. We’re all guys here, we’re all teenagers, we all know what it’s like. There’s no reason to be embarrassed in front of us. It’s not like we’re your mom or dad, or John or Keith or Prez for that matter. We’re friends."

    "You’re Prez and Keith’s friends," Drew said quietly.

    "Yeah," I allowed, "but we’re your friends, too."

    Pete added, "We’re not hanging out with you guys because you’re Keith’s little brother, Drew. We’re hanging out with you because we like you and Corey as individuals, and we like you and Corey as a couple, too. Just because I’m as old as Keith or Prez doesn’t mean I can’t have friends your age. Brian is closer to your age, anyway."

    "I don’t like making out in front of other people," Drew said quietly.

    "Then don’t," I replied. "Corey was just teasing you, and we knew that. Even if he did jump you, he’s right: we wouldn’t care."

    "Just don’t mess up the leather," Pete interjected.

    Corey laughed out loud for a few moments. I managed to catch Drew’s eye.

    "It’s okay, Drew. Honestly, it’s okay. Think of tonight as an opportunity to let it all hang out."

    My double entendre reduced Corey to near-hysterics.

    "Just relax and do what feels right. No one will know you up there other than us, and if that worries you, we’re leaving town in a couple of days and your secret would be safe with us."

    Drew returned my gaze dubiously.

    "I’m serious, Drew. When your brother and Prez took us to Disneyland, they were holding hands or had their arms around each other most of the time we were there. It made me uncomfortable at first, but then it… it just grew on me. By the time we left that night, I was hanging on Pete as much as Prez was hanging on Keith."

    When Drew didn’t respond, I continued, "My parents and Pete’s dad are always telling us to be careful – and we are – but you can be so careful that you shut yourself down. I don’t want to live my life in fear of what might happen."

    "Prez and Keith said some of the same stuff, remember, Drew?" Corey asked, having recovered as I was speaking.

    Drew nodded.

    "I love you, Drew," Corey added. "I’m not ashamed of it, and I want to be able to show you that."

    "I’m not ashamed of it either, Cor," Drew said with a sigh. "I’m just not comfortable putting on a show for the world."

    "That’s okay, Drew," Corey said as he took Drew’s hand in his. "I know you love me, and that’s all that matters to me."

    I turned back around, leaving Drew and Corey in relative privacy. Pete took my hand and squeezed.

    The four of us spent the morning at the beach with Mike, Derrick, Prez and Keith. We skipped the surfing and decided to play around in the surf and on the beach. We split up for some Frisbee football and spending some time with our boyfriends walking up and down the beach. When one o’clock came around, Pete, Corey, Drew and I left for the Hundsers. Pete and I had brought clean clothes with us and would shower there.

    When we arrived, Mr. and Mrs. Hundser were just sitting down to lunch. She insisted on fixing something for us while we showered. Pete and I took over the bathroom first and were out in short order so Corey and Drew could do what they needed to.

    "Drew tells me you are taking a trip up to Magic Mountain, and that you invited Corey and him to go," said Jim Hundser as we sat down to the meal graciously prepared by his wife.

    "Yes, sir," Pete replied. "Mr. and Mrs. Seaver said Corey could go as long as I made sure Corey ate and, um, kept it in him. The park closes at ten, and we might get something to eat on the way back. I hope to get back here by midnight."

    Jim and Jennifer looked at each other for a moment and then nodded.

    "Okay, Drew can go with you, but be back no later than midnight. If something comes up, call us."

    "Sure, no problem," Pete said with a smile. "Don’t worry about their tickets or food – this is my treat."

    "We can’t let you do that, Pete," Jennifer protested. "That’s a lot of money."

    "You can let me because I won’t accept any money from you. And if you give any to Drew to use, then I’ll tell him to give it back or save it."

    "Pete…" Mr. Hundser began.

    "When my grandparents died, they left me some money. I’m using some of that to take this trip with Brian because they would have wanted me to. You and your family have taken us in, and I want to pay it back in some way. Besides, we like Drew and Corey. Trust me: money is not one of my concerns right now."

    "You should be saving that money for school," Mr. Hundser objected.

    "My education, and Brian’s for that matter, are already taken care of. Mr. Hundser, if I didn’t want to, I wouldn't have to work a day in my life. I’m not trying to be conceited or anything, but money is not an issue. Being with my friends, however, is a very big issue for me, especially friends that live over a thousand miles away. Let me do this. Please?"

    After a moment’s silence, Jennifer said, "You two are a most remarkable pair. I’m happy that my sons and their partners have met you."

    "I agree," Jim seconded. "Both of you have given so much of yourselves to our family. I’m not sure how we could repay you."

    "You already have," I said with feeling. "You’ve invited us into your lives. I think that we’ve made some friends here that could last a lifetime. That doesn’t happen often."

    An awkward silence settled over the table. We could hear Drew and Corey laughing from the bathroom. Mrs. Hundser stood.

    "Let me see what’s taking them so long," she said.

    "No, that’s okay," Pete assured her. "Let them have the time. It’s really great of you to allow them the freedom you do."

    "Yeah," I said wistfully. "I wish we had that kind of freedom when Pete and I were thirteen. Of course, we weren’t together, either."

    A note of bitterness had entered my tone. It caught me by surprise. Pete and the Hundsers stared at me as if waiting for an explanation. My anger grew as I reflected on the cause.

    "I hate what happened to us. I hate Pete’s mom for taking him away. I hate that my mom hates what I am – what we are. I hate having to hide what I feel for Pete. I’m tired of… all of it. I just want to live, but everything that happens reminds me of the time Pete was gone."

    "Brian," Mr. Hundser commented in a conciliatory tone, "When I lost my mom and dad, it felt as though I had lost everything. I was very close to my parents, and they provided me with a lot of stability by just being available. Without them there, I felt like I was drifting and not able find my way back. I was like that for a long time, and the only thing that saved me was Jennifer. She gave me the support I needed to make the choice to put my parents’ passing behind me.

    "I’ve been listening and watching you for the past couple of days, Brian. From everything you’ve said, it seems to me that you are letting what happened in the past affect your life with Pete now. There comes a point in your life where you have to decide to put that behind you and leave it there. What happened to you two was terrible, and you can’t change it. All you can do is move forward, but to do so you must let go of the past. It has you anchored, and you can’t move forward until that anchor is gone. You have to make the choice to do that. It won’t happen on its own. You have to decide to do it, and then do it."

    I stiffened and gaped at the man. His words echoed through my mind like a rifle shot in a still morning. No one had laid everything out for me in such a way before. I cast my mind about, searching for a way to refute what he’d told me but I couldn’t find one. I sat back heavily, closing my mouth with an audible click. My eyes never left those of the man across from me. As the silence continued, Pete began to shift uncomfortably, as did Mrs. Hundser, but her husband met my gaze unflinchingly.

    In a near whisper, I asked, "Is that all it is? A choice?"

    "That’s what it boils down to," he said with a sharp nod, "but you have to be ready to make that choice, too, Brian. Every person is different and has different issues to deal with, but each individual still has that choice to make: let the past control you, or put the past away and control your life yourself."

    I blinked at the man, allowing my brain to process the information he had given me. I closed my eyes and shook my head, and then let my chin fall to my chest. A sad chuckle escaped. When I again looked at Mr. Hundser, tears filled my eyes.

    "A simple choice? I wasted so much time on a simple choice?"

    Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I turned to look at Pete. His face was lined with concern.

    "Brian?"

    I laughed bitterly. "A choice. A simple, goddamn choice. Can you believe that? How many people have said that to me? How many times have I been told that exact same thing? To put what happened behind me? And I never heard them."

    "You weren’t ready, Brian," Jim said. I looked at him as he continued. "There was too much in the way; too much you had to work out before you were ready to understand what you were being told."

    "I finally get it," I said quietly, amazement filling my voice. "I finally understand."

    Corey and Drew entered the dining room, the bantering between them stopped as they became aware of the tension in the air. Drew dropped his eyes after a moment, apparently resigning himself to being unable to accompany us. Corey’s eye shifted between the Hundser parents.

    "What?" The irreverent boy inquired, his tone suspicious.

    "Drew," his mother began, "your father and I have decided that you may go with Pete and Brian."

    Drew’s head whipped up, a smile placing itself firmly upon his face.

    "You are to be on your best behavior and listen to them. Understand me?"

    "Sure, mom. Thanks!"

    "You’re welcome, hon," Jennifer said with a smile. "Corey, I called your mother and you have permission to stay the night here. She’ll be by to pick you up at eight tomorrow morning."

    "Cool," Corey acknowledged as he wrapped an arm around Drew’s waist. "Thanks."

    Pete asked, "Are we ready?"

    Corey and Drew nodded, and I stood. Pete thanked Mrs. Hundser for lunch and went out to open up the car. I hung back a moment and turned to face Mr. Hundser, who had walked to the door to bid farewell to us. I met his eyes, trying to articulate what I was feeling and failing. He calmly observed me, waiting for me to speak.

    When it became obvious to me that I would not be able to find the words to express myself, I stepped forward and hugged the man tightly. After a moment’s surprise, he returned the embrace. My eyes filled with tears that soaked into his shirt but he paid them no heed, instinctively knowing that I needed the contact, the affirmation, the love.

    I could feel it coming, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to push myself away from him, and found that my arms were strangely weak. My knees buckled, leaving Mr. Hundser supporting my entire weight. He managed to help me stumble to the living room as the sobs overtook me. Mr. Hundser said something I did not understand. I clutched at him as we collapsed into the couch. He did not shy away from me. This man, who in an instant had altered the way I looked at the world by presenting me with a simple choice, gathered me into his arms and held me as I cried.

    Thoughts ran wild through my mind, none staying long enough to grasp completely. Images of the boy I had loved and who had come out to me so long ago hovered at the edge of my consciousness; the boy whose father had rejected him; whose mother had stolen him away. An image of another boy presented itself, a gentle giant who loved me in his own way, and provided me a place of safety when no others existed. Another vision appeared - this one of another boy with a mocking intelligence, one who had been beaten but never broken, one who loved and was loved in return. A young man with a ready smile and a huge heart who accepted me as his brother appeared, and then another boy whose irreverent grin made itself known and withdrew just as fast.

    Adult faces passed my mind’s eye: a man whom I was learning to love, a man who was a second father to me, and another who loved me as a son A woman floated before me, her kind smile and loving heart plain to me. Another took center stage and her love suffused me with warmth.

    Yet another image exploded in my brain. A young boy knelt on cement, crying to heaven. The same boy appeared a moment later, his strong body a poor mask for the pain inside. He withered before my eyes even as he grew, until he collapsed into nothing, only to rise a shell of what he once was. Time passed, and I saw a boy, older, but unmistakably the same boy, walking alone. A second boy joined him, and together they walked along, growing closer and closer to each other until I couldn’t see where one began and the other ended. As the light faded, I could see that they walked arm in arm into the horizon.

    I opened my eyes and looked around. I sensed Pete behind me, his breathing erratic with his anxiety. Mr. Hundser still held me, his eyes moist. A glance at the man drew a thin smile, which I returned. I pushed away from him and turned to face Pete.

    His blue eyes were troubled, searching mine for an explanation.

    "Brian?" Pete voiced roughly, his tone sounding frightened and insecure.

    I sat next to my love, smiling through the tears that continued to flow. I stroked his cheek gently and then pulled his head to mine. He stared into my eyes.

    "I don’t know if you can understand what just happened to me, Pete," I whispered. "Somehow… it’s like the past doesn’t matter anymore. It’s still there, but it doesn’t matter."

    "I’m free, babe. I’m finally free."

Our trip to California in the summer of 1998 was a turning point in my life. No one can appreciate what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel like the sky is about to fall unless they have lived that way for years and suddenly have the burden lifted from them. It was a complete paradigm shift; a radical change in how I viewed and interacted with the world ar