Alone At Last

We drove out of Hillsboro just after six on Monday morning, June 22, 1998.  This would be the first time Pete and I would be truly on our own, with no one watching over us, and no real schedule to keep.  A whole month, except for a few days at home in California.  After the morning fog lifted, it turned into a beautiful, sunny day.

We took the 26 west toward the coastal beaches, and met the 101 about an hour later, where we turned south.  Pete pulled us over at the first viewpoint we came to.  I got out, staring at the Pacific Ocean in awe.  It wasn’t so much that the ocean was much different than what I was used to, but that I was seeing it for the first time, and with the love of my life.

Pete came up behind me and put his arms around me, hugging me against him.

“Good morning, baby.”

“Happy birthday, lover.”  I snaked my arm back and pulled his head down to me, giving him a quick kiss on the lips.  I pulled a small box out of my sweatshirt pocket, turned in his arms., and handed it to him.

“Brian, what did you do?”

I just smiled.  “Open it.”

He looked in my eyes, a thoughtful frown clouding his features.  With trembling hands, he opened the box.  Inside was a ring, identical to the one he’d give me.  Tears filled his eyes as he stared into mine.  He pulled out the ring and examined it, reading the inscription

“‘My life, my heart, my soul.’  God, Bri, it’s beautiful.”  He squeezed me tightly for a long time, then kissed me hard.  “I love you so much.  This is perfect.”  He slid the ring on his finger behind me.  “Thank you, Bri.  This means so much to me, that I can’t tell you.”  I kissed him again.

“I wanted this to be special for you, you’re fist birthday since we’ve been back together.”

“You’ve made it special, all right.”  He was smiling ear to ear.  It made me glad to see him so happy.  “Just wait until I get you alone tonight!”  We kissed again.  “How could you afford this?”

“Don’t worry about it, babe.  You’re worth every penny and more.”  We held each other in silence, listening to the surf.  “I can’t believe we’re finally alone.”

“Believe it, Bri.  Just you and me and the road.  And the cell phone, but we can turn that off.”  I could hear the grin in his voice.  “I told Kevin we’d check in about noon.”

“He’s worse than a mother hen.”  Pete chuckled.  “I suppose we’d probably check in with my dad when we decide to stop, too.  Hopefully he’s still at work and we’ll get the answering machine.”  Pete squeezed me tightly, and I leaned back into him, letting him support my weight.

“I love you, Bri.”

“I love you too, babe.  Have you decided where we’ll stay tonight?”

“I was thinking about stopping in Florence, about a hundred-and-fifty miles down the road.  I thought we’d rough it tonight.”

“Sounds good to me.  Not very far away either.  Three hours?”

“About, if we take our time.  We’re not in a hurry, Bri.  We have plenty of time.”

We stood watching the waves for another ten minutes or so, just relaxing in the salt air, and listening to the pounding surf, then got back into the car, and back on the road.  We passed though several small towns, stopping occasionally.

Tillamook has to be the rankest town I’ve ever had the displeasure of traveling through.  It’s a complete dairy town, and it smells like it.  Cows everywhere.  We decided to stop at the cheese factory, though, and I was glad we did.  We picked up about twenty bucks worth of cheese, sausage for the campfire and snacks.  That’s some of the best stuff I’ve ever tasted.

It was very interesting to see how cheese is made, too.  I never really thought about it before.  It was weird seeing these guys slamming around these fifty and one-hundred pound slabs of cheese like they were nothing.

After Tillamook, we rolled down the windows to air out the car, and then traveled another forty miles to Lincoln City.  I was amazed at the number of kite shops on the boardwalk there.  We stayed there for a while, watching people fly all shapes and sizes of kites, from traditional plastic kites to the huge stackable fighter kites.  One guy had eight of those stacked in rainbow colors.  With the stiff wind, they were dragging him up and down the beach like a dog shaking a toy.  And then we saw this huge windsock.

You’ve seen those little windsocks that spin in the wind, right?  Well, imagine one with a twenty foot diameter mouth!  There was a huge foil-type kite providing the lift to hold it up.  Truly amazing.

We cruised the boardwalk, walked down the beach with no shoes on (I love the feel of sand on my feet), and then climbed back into the car.

We got to Florence about two that afternoon.  It was a fair size town, so we cruised through the numerous gift shops here and there, finally ending up in the dunes south of Florence.

There were huge sand dunes where we decided to camp, some of them a hundred feet high or more.  We passed several places that rented Odysseys to be used on the dunes.  It looked like real fun, but we’d do that the next day.  Right then, we just wanted to get settled and spend a nice quiet evening, just the two of us.

As luck would have it, the people in the next space had a fifth wheel trailer, complete with satellite TV.  They also had two boys about our age.  Apparently the mom of the family saw us sitting over by our tent just talking, and sent one of her boys over to invite us to supper.

One thing Pete and I had decided was to be as relaxed as possible on this trip, which meant that if we felt like kissing, we would.  That night, our first night alone, we didn’t care who was watching.

When Jeremy, the younger boy, came over to ask us to eat with them, Pete and I were holding hands across the table, talking about nothing in particular.  Pete saw him approach and squeezed my hand slightly.

“Um, Hi.  I’m Jeremy.”

“Hello, Jeremy.  I’m Pete, and this is Brian,” Pete said.  I turned slightly so I could see him.  The fourteen-year-old boy was about my height, with brown hair and brown eyes, and a slightly flushed complexion.  He was a big boy, probably about two hundred pounds.  He had a cute shy smile.

“Hi, Jeremy.  Nice to meet you.”  He blushed brightly.

“Um, my mom asked me to come over and see if you wanted to join us for dinner.  We’re having burgers and chicken.”  It was painfully obvious that Jeremy was an extremely shy kid, and not used to talking to strangers.

Pete squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back.  “If it’s not too much trouble, we’d love to.”

“Oh, no trouble.  I think she wants you to take me and Patrick off their hands for a while after we’re done eating.”  His face was flushed red like a real bad sunburn.  I felt sorry for him.

“Patrick is your brother?” Pete asked.

He nodded.  “He’s seventeen.”

“Oh.  Okay.”  I stood, and Pete moved to stand beside me, putting his arm around my waist.  “Let’s go meet your family, then.”

Jeremy didn’t move, he just looked at us in confusion for a moment, and then his eyes got big.  He asked, “Are you guys, um, you know... are you...”

I couldn’t help myself.  “Hungry?  You bet.”

“I know that, but, um, this is embarrassing.”  He was obviously flustered.

“Jeremy, just ask the question, okay?  It’s not a big deal.”

He just stood there for a moment, looking at his feet.  Without raising his head, he whispered, “Are you guys gay?”

Pete answered, “Yes, we are.  Is that going to be a problem, Jeremy?”

“Um, I don’t know.  I’ve never known a gay person before.”

“Actually, I’m sure you have.  You just didn’t know it.”  I smiled as he glanced up at us again, and he responded with that shy smile.

“Well, let’s go meet my parents.  Patrick will be back soon.  He ran back into town for some stuff we forgot.”

“After you, Jeremy.”

We followed him around the back of their trailer, and saw Jeremy’s father arranging charcoal in their barbeque.  He was in his late forties or early fifties, with thinning grey hair, and a slight paunch.

“Um, Dad?”

The man turned around, and I was surprised to see a pleasant face.  “Yes, son?  Oh, hello, boys.”

“I’d like you to meet Pete and Brian.  They said they’d like to eat with us.”

“If it’s no trouble, sir,” Pete added.

Patrick’s father studied us for a brief moment, his eyes taking us in, including our arms around each other’s waist.  He smiled, and said, “It’s no trouble at all.  The more the merrier!  You can call me Robert.”

“Thank you, Robert.”  Pete and I advanced to shake his hand.  He had a firm handshake, just shy of crunching.  His face was lined, but his smile was amplified by his eyes.

“Take a seat.  Can we get you anything to drink?  A soda?  A beer?”  We sat on the picnic table bench.

Pete and I glanced at each other, amused.  I nodded slightly.  “A beer, if it’s okay.  One won’t hurt us,” Pete added.

“A beer it is.  Any preference?”

“What have you got?”

“We have Bud and MGD.”

“MGD, please,” we said simultaneously.

He smiled.  “Jeremy, get us all a beer, would you?”

Jeremy’s eyes lit up, “Sure, Dad!”  He went inside the trailer.

“Between you and me, boys, I can’t drink Bud.  It tastes like stale horse piss to me.”  Pete and I cracked up, nodding our agreement.  “So, where you boys from?”

“Originally?  California, but we’ve been living in the Portland area.”

“Portland, huh?  We’re from Spokane.  This is Patrick’s last summer at home, so we thought we’d take a tour of the west coast.  How about you guys?”

“We’re spending  some time going down the coast, too.  Maybe we’ll go to Arizona.  We’re not on a schedule.”

Robert nodded, “That’s the best way to go.  No hurries, no worries.  Traveling alone?”

I answered, perhaps too quickly, “We’re going to meet my mom.”

Robert laughed.  “Cagey, aren’t you.  Well, let me put your fears to rest.  I’ve got my hands full with my two boys.  Why would I want to kidnap two more?”

Pete shuffled his feet.  “You can’t be too careful.”

“I know what you mean.”  Jeremy retuned with four open cans of beer.  Robert handed us two and took one for himself.  “I know neither of you are going to drive tonight, right?”

“No sir.  I know better,” Pete said emphatically.

“And I don’t have my license yet.”

Robert looked slightly concerned.  “How old are you two?”

Pete smiled.  “I just turned seventeen today.”

“Really?  Well, happy birthday!”

“Thank you.”

Jeremy asked, “How old are you , Brian?”

“I’ll be sixteen in September.”

“Me too!  What day?”

“The twenty-second.”

“Oh.  My birthday is on the third.”

Robert asked, “You’ll be a Junior, Pete?”

“We both will.”

“Do you play any sports?”

I said, “I used to play football and run track, but I didn’t last year.  I also wrestle, but I’m not sure I’m even going to do that this year.”

“What?” Pete asked, incredulously.  “Why not?”

“It takes too much time away from us.  And, I didn’t handle it well last year.”

“Brian, you love to wrestle.  You’ll go to state this year, too!  Besides, last year was bad, for all of us.  We know what we’re about now, and the same thing won’t happen again.”  Robert and Jeremy watched our exchange silently.

“Pete...”

“Brian, I’m not going to ask you to give up something you love for a few hours a day, three months out of the year.  Besides, I get to sleep through most of it.  At least give it some thought, okay?”  His eyes pleaded for my agreement.

“All right, I’ll think about it.  But that’s all I’ll promise.”

“That’s enough for now, baby.”  I glanced to Robert, realizing that we’d outed ourselves for sure if he hadn’t noticed the other signs.  He had a strange expression, but not one of hate or distaste.

“Um,” started Jeremy, “how long have you guys been boyfriends?”  Robert looked at his son, aghast at the audacity of the question.

As he started to say something sharp, I waved Robert down, and said, “It’s okay.  We don’t mind.  We’ve been together for a total of four years, but we were separated for over three of those.  This time, it’s been just under eight months. It’s a long story.”

A truck pulled into the campsite.  Behind the wheel was a good looking guy, with light brown hair.  He deposited a bag of groceries inside the trailer before joining us.

“Get yourself a beer, Patrick.

“Sure.”  Patrick stood over six feet tall, weighed a solid one-eighty.  He was well defined from what I could tell, but not really bulky.  He returned with a Budweiser,  and sat across from us.  “Hi.  I’m Patrick.” He offered his hand, and as we shook said with a grin, “Don’t believe anything they’ve told you; it’s all lies.”  We settled in while Robert lit the charcoal.  “So what brings you guys out this way?”

“We’re going to meet my mom,” I said, “and decided to stop over for a night on the way down.”

“Where’s home?”

“Used to be California, but now we live in Portland.”

“Portland?  Cool.  One of the schools I applied to is close to there, in Corvallis.”

“U of O?” Pete asked.

“Yep, but it’s my last choice.  I’d rather get into Stanford or Berkeley, but if I get selected, I’ll be going to the Air Force Academy.”

“Very competitive.”

“I know.  I just hope my grades and extra-curriculars get me in.”

 After taking a swallow of beer, I asked, “What do you do?”

“I volunteer at the local youth club, I wrestle and play basketball.  I’m in Debate Club and the GSA.  There are other things, but those are the major ones.”

“What are you going to study?”

“Engineering, but I’m not sure of the field yet.”

“Wow.  Something to be proud of,” I said.

“Thanks.  I think so, too.”

“What about you, Jeremy?  What do you do?” Pete asked.

“Um, not much of anything really.  I read and make websites and stuff.”

Patrick glared at his brother and interjected, “Nothing much?”  Patrick looked at us and said, “Don’t let him fool you.  He’s a computer god!  He’s already gotten several certifications, and there’s no reason he can’t keep going.  By the time he gets out of high school, he’ll be a full fledged programmer.  Nothing much, my ass.”

Jeremy seemed uncomfortable with his brother’s praise.  “Stop it, Pat.”

“I hate it when you sell yourself short, Jer.  You know that.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?  You could be making a hundred grand a year if you get all the certifications!”

“That takes a lot of money.”

“Don’t you worry about the money, son,” Robert said.  “We’ll help you with that.”

Instead of looking relieved, Jeremy looked annoyed and embarrassed.  “Anyway, I don’t know if I want to be a programmer.”  An uncomfortable silence fell.

Pete asked, “Patrick?  How did you get involved with the GSA?”

“I have a friend who invited me to a meeting a couple years ago.  I was skeptical at first, but after listening to them and realizing it wasn’t just a bunch of gay people whining and bashing everybody, I took an interest and decided to stick with it.”

“We had one at our school,” Pete said, “but the coordinator left, and that was that.  There’s been some trouble, too.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“A friend of ours got beat up a couple times, and some guys wanted to kill Brian, but not for being gay.  We’re not out at school.”

“Have you thought about starting up the GSA again?”

“Not really,” I responded.  “Pete and I have other priorities right now.  We have three years of catching up to do, and this is really the first time we’ve been truly alone.”

“You said you were meeting your mother?” asked Robert.

“We will, in about a week, then we’re continuing south.  We have to help her pack for the move to Portland.”

Patrick grinned and let out a loud belch.  “Sounds like fun.”

“It’s only for a few days. When we leave there, we have almost three weeks on our own.”

“Wait a minute; I’m confused.  Your parents are letting you go on a month-long road trip on your own?”

Pete nodded.  “But our situation isn’t normal.”

“Oh, please, do tell.”  Robert and Jeremy looked on with interest as well.

Pete looked at me.  “Where do we start?”  I shrugged.  “Let’s see.  In a nutshell, Brian and I came out to each other when I was thirteen and he was twelve.  Our parents found out, and my dad flipped.  He split.  I thought we were going to stay in California, but my mother couldn’t handle the fact I was gay.”  I shuddered, remembering that fateful day.  Pete took my hand and squeezed.  If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead now, two or three times over.  “She took me to Portland, and didn’t even let me say good bye.”

“I ended up in the hospital,” I said.  “My parents knew he was leaving and didn’t tell me. I couldn’t handle it.  Sometimes I still hate them for that.”

“Water under the bridge, Bri.  Anyway, about, oh, eighteen months or so later, Mother got a boyfriend.  She told him I was gay, and they both started in on me.”  It was my turn to comfort Pete.  I moved closer and put my arm around him.  He was shaking slightly.  “I don’t know how many times the guy hit me, but it finally got to be too much, and I moved out to live with my grandparents, but they died in a car wreck shortly after that.

“I didn’t know what was going to happen to me.  I never would’ve stayed with Mother and that... person she shacked up with.  I would’ve run away if I had to, but a friend’s foster parents took me in.”

I said, “While all this was happening with him, my parents were keeping me from any kind of contact with him.  He wrote me over thirty letters in the three years we were separated.  I didn’t see one of them until they realized I’d have to go testify for the custody hearing.

“In any case, I avoided my family.  I wouldn’t talk to them.  I didn’t eat with them.  I let myself get totally absorbed in school and sports.  So much so, I almost died from starvation, trying to keep my weight for wrestling.”  The family’s eyes kept shifting between Pete and me as we told our story, their expressions sometimes unbelieving, and other times unreadable.

Pete continued, “It wasn’t really a custody hearing.   Dad, my new dad, is an attorney, and agreed to take up my case for emancipation.  To make a long story short, I divorced my mother and Dad adopted me.”

“What about your bio father?” Patrick asked.

“I don’t know.  It wasn’t an issue in the hearing, so I guess he gave up his rights, too.  Not that I would live with him.  Brian barely escaped from him the night Mother told him I was gay.  We ran out into the woods and came back about five hours later.  My room was torn to shreds.  He would have done that to us if we hadn’t run.”

“I saw Pete for the first time in three years at the courthouse.  Then later, we finally got a chance to be together again.  We cried so much....  I was still really pissed at my parents, and they knew it, but Pete showed me that they only wanted the best for me, and were doing the best they could.  I asked them to let me stay with Pete, and they agreed.  I’ve been with him ever since.”  I squeezed Pete, and he patted my leg in return.

“Quite a story.”  Robert wasn’t sure what to believe.  He just shook his head.  “Well, at least you’re together now.”

“Now and forever,” I said quietly.  Pete squeezed my leg again, and kissed me just above my ear.

A woman came out of the trailer carrying a plate piled high with thick hamburger patties.  She handed them off to Robert. 

“Hello, boys.  I’m Joy.”  She came over and shook our hands as we introduced ourselves.  “I hope you brought your appetites.  There’s a lot of food to go around.”

Pete and I looked at each other and smiled. We both said, “Not a problem!” at the same time, causing everyone to laugh.  She just smiled and retreated to the trailer to continue dinner preparations.  Pete stood and followed her, offering his help.

Jeremy asked,  “What’s it like to be gay?”

“Jeremy Sean!  You don’t ask those kinds of questions!  You know better! Where are your manners?”  Robert was, if not furious, then extremely angry and embarrassed.  Jeremy shrank from him.

“It’s okay, really.  It’s not a big deal.  I don’t know if I can answer you, though.”  I furrowed my brow, pondering the question.  What was it like to be gay?  “Let me ask you something, Jeremy.  What’s it like to have brown eyes?”

He shook his head for a moment in confusion.  “It doesn’t...  It doesn’t feel like anything.  It just is.  It’s the way I am.”

“Exactly.  That’s what it’s like to be gay.  It’s a part of you, and you can’t change it.”

“But it’s not the same.  I mean, you like guys, right?”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not that simple, either.  You like girls?”

“Of course I do.” He seemed offended.

“That was just a question, not an accusation.  So, you like girls.   What do you do about it?  Do you watch them?  Talk to them?”

“Sometimes.”

“It’s the same with me, but it’s boys I watch.  That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a pretty girl, but that’s about as far as it goes.”

Patrick nodded.  “That’s a good explanation.”

“So, you just sleep with guys?”

I glanced nervously at Robert, but he was occupied at the grill, while Patrick watched on with interest.  “No, I don’t sleep with guys.  I sleep with one guy.  Pete and I are together for the long haul.  We’re faithful to each other, just like a man is supposed to be faithful to his wife.”

“But that’s not what everyone says about gay people.  They say all gays want is sex.”

“And all kids your age take drugs.”

“I do not!”

“Stereotypes.”

“What?” He was truly bewildered.

“It’s an image that people have of a certain group.  Do I look gay?”

“No.”

“Do I sound gay?”

“No, but...”

I stood up and walked around the table.  “Do I walk like I’m gay?”

Jeremy dropped his eyes in embarrassment.  “No.”

“You see?  You have all these ideas of what gay people are like.  It’s not always true.  Gay people have as many differences between them as straight people do.  Rather than taking what ‘they say’ for granted, why don’t you decide for yourself?

 “I want more out of my relationship with Pete than sex.  So, by your definition, am I gay?”

“No, but you say you are.  You chose to be gay.  God says gays are going to hell.”

With difficulty, I controlled my ire.  I took a couple of deep breaths, then answered.

“Have you ever told a lie?  Have you ever eaten pork, or shell fish?  I could name hundreds of things that are sins, according to the Bible.  The bible also says there’s only wage for sin.  Do you know what that is?”

“‘The wages of sin is death’.  That means you’ll go to hell.”

“Maybe.  But what does Jesus say?  Love thy neighbor, and if you ask forgiveness, you shall be forgiven, right?”

“Well, yeah...”

“So if a murderer asks for forgiveness form Christ, then he’ll get it.  Right?”

“I guess.”

“If a murderer can be forgiven, or can be saved, why not a gay person?”

Silence fell.  Robert cleared his throat a moment later.  “Where did you hear that, Brian?”

“Someone once told me I was going to hell.  I had to prove them wrong using the Bible, because they were quoting all sorts of scripture.”

“Did you convince them?”

“Of course not.  It doesn’t matter, because it’s between me and God.  No one else has anything to say.  Besides, if God is a loving god, and he made me this way, there must be a reason.”

Silence fell again.  Patrick said, “I’ve never heard it explained that way, but it makes sense.  I should talk to pastor Bob about that, and see what he says.”  Patrick was smiling, but it was an evil smile, anticipating great pleasure.

“Patrick, you’ll leave that poor old man alone.  He doesn’t even speak from the pulpit anymore.”

“But he still preaches hate!”

“How many times do we have to go through this?  Just leave him alone.”

Patrick glared at his father for a moment, then sighed in submission.

Jeremy continued to stare at the ground.  “I’m sorry I made you mad, Brian.”

“You didn’t make me angry.  It’s just a sensitive issue for me.  My parents didn’t have an easy time accepting my sexuality.  They still have their problems.  And sometimes, I do to.”

Patrick eyed me quizzically.  “Why?”

“Would you choose to be gay?”

“No.  Why?”

“Current feelings aside, why would you not choose to be gay?”

“Because I wouldn’t want to get... bashed.”  Comprehension dawned in both Jeremy’s and Patrick’s eyes.

“Do you think I chose to be gay?”

“No.  I think it’s mostly genetic.”  Patrick looked a bit confused.

“I do to.  But you hit the nail on the head.  Why would I choose to put myself in the line of fire?  Why would I choose to be a target?”  I turned my head and gazed out across the campground.  “People have already threatened to kill Pete and me.  A friend of mine was bashed twice, and could have been seriously hurt if we hadn’t been there.  Sometimes I hate it, being gay, and sometimes I hate myself.  But there’s nothing I can do about it.  Pete and I are pretty straight-acting...”

Jeremy interrupted, “Completely straight-acting, if you ask me.  If you two hadn’t had your arms around each other, or held hands, I would’ve had no clue.”

I nodded in acknowledgement, and continued,  “We’re pretty straight-acting, so we can hide it more than someone who’s more effeminate.   I just get tired of hiding all the time, especially when we see straight couples in the hall sucking face or holding hands.  I want to do those things, too.”

Robert surprised me by saying, “There’s no reason you can’t, you know.”  I’d forgotten he was over at the grill.

“Actually, there is.  We’re not really out at school, and we know there’s a phobic element there.  We can handle ourselves pretty well, but if a group of people gang up on us, we could get hurt.”

“What about the administration?”

“The veepee is a good guy.  We told him we might come out next year, but now I’m having second thoughts.”

“Second thoughts about what, baby?”  Pete stepped out of the trailer bringing a large salad and a plate of garnishes.

“Coming out next year.”  His eyes snapped to mine, and he stared at me, trying to gauge where I was coming from.

“It’s up to you, Brian.  I’ve told you that before.”

“No, I won’t do it unless you want to, too.”

He came around the table, sat next to me, and pulled me against him.  He whispered, “We’ll talk about it later, Bri.  We have time.”  I nodded.  Still whispering, he said, “I love you, Bri,” and kissed me on the cheek.  I sighed, half in frustration, half in contentment.

“Robert!  You’re burning the meat!”  He scrambled to the grill and started throwing the finished burgers and chicken breasts on a plate.  Joy placed a bowl of potato salad and some buns on the table.  “I think the corn is done, too.”

I noticed that no one had started dishing up the food, so I sat quietly, resting my hand on Pete's leg and my head on his shoulder.  After Robert placed the foil-wrapped corn on the table, he sat.  Joy, Jeremy, and Patrick bowed their heads, so we followed suit.

Robert lead the thanks giving prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;  Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Lord, bless this bounty we are about to receive in Jesus name,

Amen

“Amen.”  The whole time he had been speaking, I was worried I had offended them.  “Um, I’m sorry if I offended anyone earlier.  Like I said, it’s a hot button issue for me, and sometimes I get carried away.”

“No offense taken, Brian.”  Patrick and Jeremy nodded in agreement as they fought over the same burger.

“I’ve never heard that prayer before.  Where does it come from?”

“It’s called the Serenity Prayer, Brian.  It’s an adaptation of one of the Ghost Dance prayers from the Navajos, sometime in the  1870s, and that was an adaptation of an Oglala Sioux prayer probably hundreds of years old.”

“I like it.  Pretty much sums up my whole life.”

“Our life, baby,” Pete gently chided.

I smiled at him.  “Right.  Our life.”

“I can’t believe how cute you two are!”  Joy was all grins with her hands clasped over her heart.  I blushed furiously, and I could feel Pete shaking with barely contained laughter. He lost it, though, when everyone started laughing.

Dinner was a lively affair.  Conversation was animated, and sometimes loud.  Pete, Patrick and Robert talked about whatever the conversation brought up.  Joy was beaming with happiness, reveling in the energy of it all. Jeremy and I tied for quietest at the table.  I rarely spoke, and blamed it on trying to stuff my face.  Jeremy just ate his food with feigned interest in the conversation.  He seemed uncomfortable somehow.  He wouldn’t meet my eyes for more than an instant.  It made me a bit nervous, and a bit guilty.  My earlier diatribe could have alienated him.  I decided to talk to him alone after we finished eating.

The opportunity presented itself when I offered to get a couple decks of card from the Malibu.  I invited Jeremy to go with me, and he reluctantly agreed.

As we passed behind the trailer, I asked, “Is there a problem, Jeremy?”

“No, no problem.  I’m just kinda confused, I guess.”

“About what?”

He pursed his lips.  “Well, I guess because you’re not what I expected.”

“As a gay guy, you mean?”

“Yeah.  I mean, you’re buffed out, you’re not girly at all, you don’t talk funny... that’s what I expected.  No, it’s like, anyone could be gay, and I wouldn’t see it. 

“Maybe.  It’s not a big deal though.  All we want is to be ourselves and not worry about what others think.”  I leaned against the car facing him.

“How did you know you were gay?”  He took a seat on the table near the car.

“When Pete told me he loved me that day, I thought I might be, but I didn’t know for sure.  Over the next couple years, I knew for sure.”

“But how?”

“I liked looking at guys.  Girls were pretty, but all I thought about were guys.  I couldn’t wait for phys ed some days.  Some of those guys were really hot.”  He nodded absently.

“What’s going on over here?  Jeremy, you’re not trying to steal my boyfriend, are you?”

Startled, Jeremy half yelled, “No, I swear!”  Pete's laugh put him at ease.

Reaching our camp, I pulled the cards out of a duffel in the back seat and handed them to Jeremy.  “Here are the cards.  We’ll be there in a moment.”

“Okay.”  Jeremy lumbered off to rejoin his family.

“What was that about?”

“He wanted to know how I knew I was gay.”

“And...”

“He needed to talk, Pete, to get some things straight in his mind.  I think we opened his eyes a bit tonight. I just hope he understands.”

Pete hugged me tightly.  “Always looking out for people, aren’t you, Bri.”

I sighed.  “It seems like it.” 

“It’s okay, Bri.  It’s just another thing I love you for.”  I soaked up the warmth of Pete's body, enjoying the feel of him holding me.  Resting my head on his shoulder, I sighed again in contentment, running my hand over his shoulder and back.  Why couldn’t every moment in life be as sweet as this one?  “We better get back, Bri.  They may get suspicious.”

I grinned at him.  “What if they do?  They know we’re in love.”

“I know, but I’d rather not flaunt it in front of them.  We’ll get naked later.”

“Can’t wait, babe.”  I squeezed him once more, then we walked back hand-in-hand  to join the family that had temporarily taken us in.

Jeremy was quiet and thoughtful that whole night.  He spent a lot of time watching Pete and I as we played cards.  It was a little unnerving.  Patrick gave him strange looks after he notice Jeremy staring as us.  His parents we oblivious to the whole thing.

We played cards well into the night, finally calling it a night about eleven.  Jeremy went to his bed without saying a word, but it didn’t surprise me.  He had a lot to think about.  Patrick did notice his brothers faux pas though.  He was about to call him on his lack of manners, but I stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay.  He’s got a lot on his mind.”

“Yeah, well, it’s still not right to just walk away like that.”

“It’s not a big deal.  He made some eye opening discoveries tonight, and he has to think through them.  Let him be, okay?”

“All right.  Night, guys.”

“G’night.”

Pete and I walked back to our camp, locked everything up, and climbed into the tent.  We were silent as we stripped and climbed into the cold double sleeping bag.  I pulled Pete on top of me and put my arms around him.  He looked into my eyes, nearly invisible in the darkness.  He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, but then pulled away to gaze into my eyes once more.

“What, babe?”

He sighed.  “I’m thinking about all the reasons I love you.”  He shifted so he was laying half-on-half-off of me, with his arm over my stomach and around my side, head propped on his hand.  “Every time I think I know you, you do something to prove me wrong.”

“Like what? 

“Like Jeremy tonight.  I’ve said before that you can be incredibly gentle, like you were tonight with him, but you can be just as hard if you need to.”

“I don’t like it when I have to be like that.  I scare myself sometimes.”

“It’s just...  I don’t know.  It’s like I’m seeing you for the first time, and I’m falling in love with you again for the first time.  And every time I think I can’t love you any more, I find myself falling even deeper in love.”

“And all this came up because I helped Jeremy?”  He ran his hand around my chest, giving me goose bumps.

“Well, not really, but it reminded me of everything you’ve done in the past.”

I shivered and grabbed his hand, holding it against me over my heart.  “I did a lot of stupid shit, too.”

“That doesn’t matter, Brian.  You know I don’t care about any of that.”

“I know....”

“I was remembering how you turned around Brent at school, made him realize what an ass he was, and how good you’ve been with Ray and Jason and Jared.  You’ve taught me a lot about what compassion is, Bri.”  He laid his head on my shoulder, and his hand resumed wandering my upper body.  “I love you so much.  I want to be with you until we’re old and grey, in a nursing home, sharing the same room, and embarrassing the nurses.”

I giggled at the imagery.  “I’d prefer not to be in a nursing home, though.”  I idly stroked his hair, letting the scenario play out in my mind.

“If someone had told me I’d be this much in love with you now when we got together after the hearing, I would have committed them.”  He smiled and kissed my cheek.  “I wouldn’t have believed it then, but I believe it now.  I just hope it never ends.”

“I love you too, Pete.  I don’t want this to end either.”  We let the relative silence of the night wash over us. The crashing waves in the far distance and crickets chirping all around us lulled us to sleep, still holding each other close.  That night, I did not dream.

Pete woke me the next morning in the most wonderful way.  How I managed to keep quiet I don’t know.  In the afterglow, Pete laid with his head on my chest.  I took in a deep breath and sighed contentedly.

“What, baby?”

“Nothing.”  He raised his head and looked in my eyes as I smiled at him.  “I’m just so happy, being with you.”

He returned my smile.  “Me too, Bri.  This is perfect, just the two of us.”

“Brian!  Pete?  You guys want breakfast?”  Jeremy called.  My stomach growled, causing Pete to giggle.

“Guess that answers that question.”  He raised his voice.  “We’ll be there in a few minutes!”

“Okay!”  I laughed.

“What time is it, babe?”

“Um, seven.”

“Early risers, huh?  We better get dressed.”

“I suppose.” 

I threw back the sleeping bag, retrieved my shorts, and slid on my jeans.  “I owe you one, you know.”

“It’s okay.  You’ll get plenty of chances in the next month,” he said.

After a passionate kiss, we unzipped the tent door and were surprised to find fog around us.  We each retrieved a sweatshirt and joined Jeremy and his family.  Jeremy greeted us warmly as he stuffed his face with half a pancake, and Patrick waved as he chewed.

“Good morning, boys,” Said Robert as Joy brought out another plate of pancakes and some sausage.  She then sat down next to Patrick and her husband.

“Good morning,” Pete replied, not hesitating to dish up his own stack of pancakes.  He also put a stack of five on my plate, then passed me the butter.

“Pete, would you like some sausage?”  We looked at each other and barely managed to contain ourselves.  Would he like some sausage?  Please!

Pete cleared his throat with a grin and said, “Yes, please.”  Patrick gave us a strange look, then a knowing smile.  Jeremy was trying to swallow a mouthful before he lost it, and Robert was either oblivious or  had much better control than we boys did.

Again, Pete dished me up a portion of sausage, then passed it back.  Conversation was sparse as we stuffed our faces.  When I had finished my second helping of pancakes, Robert asked, “What’s on the agenda today?”

“Well, Brian and I want to get to Brookings sometime this afternoon so we can make sure to get a place to stay.”

“How long are you planning on staying there?”

“A few days.  There’s a lot of stuff there that I want to show Brian.  He wasn’t with me last time I was down here.  How about you guys?”

“We’re headed down the same way you are, but we’re going to cut over to Medford and head out to Crater Lake, then south to Lassen and Yosemite.”

“We’re going to hit those places on the way back.”  I put my arm around Pete, resting my head on his shoulder.  For some reason I felt clingy that day.  I didn’t want to lose contact with him, not even for a moment.  “When will you be leaving?”

Robert scratched his head.  “Sometime late this morning, after the fog burns off.  We’re not in a hurry, and we’ll make it to Medford tonight one way or another.”

We said our goodbyes to the family later that morning, after a light lunch that Joy graciously made for us.  By noon, the fog was pretty much gone, and we were well on our way down the coast.  We passed through several towns along the way: Reedsport; Coos Bay, and North Bend, before stopping in a place called Bandon to pick up some soda.

We continued south, following some of the most breathtaking  coastline I’ve ever seen.  The ocean was green with whitecaps caused by the stiff wind blowing in off the ocean.  Pete had to really concentrate on his driving because the car was moving around on the road.  A short time later we passed through a town called Port Orford, stopping at the south end of town.  There was a rocky hill connected to dry land by a narrow trail.  The sign said ‘Battle Rock’, and something about a band of Native Americans who made their last stand there.

Pete and I took the trail to the top, and stood there admiring the view and reveling in the fresh air.  We stood arm-in-arm watching the fishing boat come in and go out, listening to the call of the gulls floating on the breeze.  We sat down, using a rock as a back rest, and held each other close against the chill.  The wind was really cold coming off the cold, churning water below.  For a moment, I closed my eyes and just listened to the crashing waves.  A good analogy of life, I thought.  A wave is perfect, moving along the water with a graceful aspect, until it hits the shore.  Then it shatters, the water returns to the sea, and comes in again, only to break apart.  We go along great until we hit a snag, then we shatter, pick up the pieces, and do it again.

“What’re you thinking, Bri?”

“About the waves and life.  And how much I love being here with you.”  He squeezed me, and I leaned into him.  A half-hour passed before we got too cold to stay any longer.  We walked back to the car, arms still around each other.  We got some strange looks, but I didn’t care.

Sometime around three o’clock, we made it to Brookings.  As we drove through town, it reminded me of something from the sixties.  All the buildings seemed older, with little modern development, except for the McDonalds and Pizza Hut, of course.  There were people walking through town, but they all appeared to be older, in their fifties or sixties.  It seemed this place was a retirement town.

Pete turned off the main drag onto a road following a river back into the hills.  The drive was nice.  The sun was shining brightly as we passed through the trees forming a canopy over the road.  We rolled down the windows to enjoy the fresh air.  On the left, we passed a little school house, Upper Chetco School.  Behind it, there was a field where a bunch of kids from ages eight to sixteen or so were playing a pick-up game of baseball.  At least there were some kids in this town.

A moment later, we turned into a state park.  Pete drove around the campground and found us a place to camp in a tent area that backed up to the river bar.

Pete shut off the car and took a deep breath before he smiled broadly.  “I’m so happy I get to show you all this, Brian.  It’s beautiful here.  All we have to do is set up the tent, and we’re done.”

We pulled out the tent and had it set up in no time.  As I inserted the last pole, Pete threw our sleeping bag and pillows inside,  then started inflating the air mattress.  When he was done, we set up our bed.

Pete opened his bag and pulled out his swimsuit.  Wagging his eyebrows,  he asked, “Are you coming, or do I have to carry you kicking and screaming?”  I laughed and pulled out my own trunks.  We changed in the tent, swapped some spit, and made our way to the river.

The river bar was made up of river rock, which made it difficult to cross without twisting an ankle or falling on your ass.  As we approached the water, I noticed a bunch of kids jumping off this rock that jutted out of the water about one hundred yards upstream.

Pete followed my gaze and said, “Elephant Rock.  Jared, Jason, Ray and I spent a lot of time climbing that and jumping off.  It was fun.  It’s also the first place Jared made a pass at me.”

I didn’t look at Pete as I asked, “Were you tempted?”

“I’d be lying if I said no.  I was tempted, but I knew I had you.  That made it easy to resist.”  I smiled.  He loved me so much, even back then when he didn’t know if he would ever see me again.

“Come on, lover boy.  Let’s get wet.”  I cannon balled in the water.  The first thing that went through my head were my testicles.  GAWD that water was cold!  “Omigod!  This is freezing!”  Pete laughed at me from the bank of the river, all but rolling in the rocks.  Glaring, I picked my way back on shore and stood over him.  Deliberately, I wrung out the leg of my shorts onto his stomach, causing Pete to squawk in surprise.  He stood up and I embraced him, pulling him toward the river.

“Don’t you do it, Brian!  Don’t even think of it!”  He was trying to pull away from me, but my strength served me in good stead.  He couldn’t get away from me!  “Brian, do you want to walk home?”  I laughed evilly.  “I mean it, Brian!”  Two more steps and it would be all over.  “Brian!  Let me...”

With a splash, we both went under the water.  Pete regained his footing first and tried to make it to shore, but I climbed on his back.  “Don’t think so!  You didn’t even warn me!”  He kept trying to get out, but he was laughing as he did.  I let him go and grabbed the waistband of his shorts.  “Come back in, or I take a souvenir!”

“Okay, okay.  You win, Bri.”  He turned to me and kissed my forehead, then pushed me backward into the water.

As I sputtered in indignation, Pete cannon balled me, knocking me over again.  When my feet once again found purchase, he was standing waist deep in the river, wearing this huge smile!  How could you be angry at that?

“No nookie for you!”  I said, and started stomping off toward the shore, hoping that he’d chase me.  Oh, he chased me all right.  Up until he could get a hand on my shorts.  Which he pulled down to my ankles.

I just dropped right where I was and recovered my missing trunks, but Pete was fighting me for them.  I could feel my trunks slipping out of my fingers, so I went for his instead, and I got them!  I stood in the water, which was about navel deep, but Pete, poor boy, was in shallow water, barely deep enough to cover what nature had given him.

Grinning like a madman, he stood and walked back toward me.  I warily backed away until I could no longer touch the bottom.  I quickly pulled on Pete's shorts and swam to the opposite bank, a little gravel bar set against a twenty-foot rock face.  Behind the gravel bar was a secluded eddy pool where the water turned in a lazy circle.  I climbed onto the gravel bar and sat on top, waiting for Pete to join me.  It was a good thing we were alone, judging by his tented shorts.

We slept in the next morning.  The night had been cool, but the dawn promised higher temperatures.  I woke before Pete did, and slipped out of bed.  After putting on a pair of running shorts and shoes, I opened the zipper on the tent door quietly, hoping not to wake my boyfriend.

“Where you going, baby?”  Damn.

“I’m gonna go for a run, babe.  Go back to sleep.”

“Okay.  Wake me up when you get back.”

“I will.  Love you.”

“Mmphmphtoo.”  I think he was asleep again before his head hit his pillow.

I ran the loop of road that was the campground, and then started up the main road up river.  It was a narrow two lane road with wide spots every now and then.  It made me a little uncomfortable, but I was careful.  Only three cars passed me on my run, and they were in the opposite lane.

As I ran, I cleared my mind as best I could, but something kept intruding.  A new concept, something I had dreamed up in my subconscious.  After figuring out that I wasn’t going to be able to keep my mind peaceful, I concentrated on what was rattling around in my head.

It was hard to put in words.  After eight month with Pete, I was a changed person.  Almost everything that I thought I knew about myself before then didn’t seem to ring true anymore.  I don’t mean the basic things, such as likes and dislikes, but more substantial things, like personality and even temperament.

Before I was reunited with him, I was a miserable kid.  Not a lot of friends, didn’t want anything to do with my family, and I had to find a reason to get up every day.  Now, I have more friends, more good friends than I’ve ever had, I have two families that love me, and I can’t wait to get up in the morning because that meant I could spend time with Pete.

That was part of what was tumbling around in my mind, but there was more.  While I loved Pete, I was still struggling to become a person in my own right, not as ‘Pete's boyfriend,’ or ‘Ben’s son.’  Sure, they were a part of me; they’re all a part of me, but there is more to me than just them.  I felt like I was going in circles.

By the time I returned, the day was all ready hot, and I was sweating up a storm, even without a shirt on.  I decided to take a couple cool down laps around the campground, and stopped at a restroom with a water fountain to get a drink.  Just as I got there, a pack of three girls my age came out of the restroom.  They all stopped dead in their tracks.  Unconcerned, I smiled and said, “Hi,” and then continued slaking my thirst.  They didn’t move a muscle the whole time.

It then began to dawn on me that maybe they were interested in me.  I suppose I did look okay, but I was all sweaty, and I was sure I smelled.

“Hi,” one of the girls said in a breathless voice.  I smiled again, and started to head back to camp.  They followed me like lemmings.  It was disconcerting to say the least.  What would Pete think if I brought a pack of girls back to the tent?

I accelerated into a trot, leaving the girls behind, but when I turned the corner into our camp spot, I could see them still following as fast as decorum allowed.  Shaking my head, I hurried to the tent to wake up Pete, but he was already awake.

“Pete!  You gotta help me!”  My voice held a frantic tone.

“Okay, okay, Bri.  Calm down.  What happened?”

“I went to get some water at the restroom up there, and three girls came out.  They just stood there and stared at me as I drank.  Then I came back here, and they followed me!  They’ll be coming around the corner any minute!”

“You’re telling me three girls followed you here?”  I nodded, still a bit freaked.  “How old are they?”

“Our age, I think.  Maybe a little younger.”

He looked me over, and said, “I can understand why they followed you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Brian, you are a very good looking guy with a cut body.  Of course they’re going to follow you.  Especially with all that sweat running down your chest.”

“Can you be serious?”

“I am, Brian.  You’re a hottie!  Hell, I’d follow you!”

I impatiently waved that aside.  “So what do I do?”

Looking over my shoulder, he said with a smile, “Welcome our guests.”

 The bastard.

Copyright Notice - Copyright ©2004 by Dewey.

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