Rest and Recovery

Kevin shoved his way through and embraced Ray tightly. “Jason, call 911.” He picked Ray up like a child, brought him inside, and ran for the kitchen, followed closely by Pete. I shut the door behind them, and led Mrs. Cox to the couch, where she sat heavily. David sat by her, speaking softly and holding her hand.

I ran after Pete to see what I could do to help. They had Ray laying down on a blanket, Kevin holding his hand. Ray continued to cry hard, unable to speak. Pete was in the process of undressing Ray, so I helped him pull off Ray’s shirt and pants. His undershirt was sticking to his chest, so we left it alone.

“Jesus. What’d you do to yourself, Ray?” I didn’t realize I’d spoken aloud until Kevin cast me an annoyed glance.

I ran back into the utility room and got out the first aid kit. Opening it up, I pulled out two rolls of gauze, some tape, and two Ace bandages, and returned to the kitchen. Kevin was looking Ray over for any other injuries.

“We need to stop the bleeding. Pete, hold up Ray’s arm.” Brian, wrap it in gauze up and down the arm. Wrap it tightly, but not so tight it’ll cut off his circulation. David! I need your help!” Pete lifted Ray’s left arm, and I began bandaging it as I was told. Ray either couldn’t feel what we were doing, or didn’t care.

A second after he was called, David stood in front of us. “Oh, man. What can I do?”

“She’s out of it, Kevin,” David said. “She’s nearly hysterical and won’t come in.”

“Fuck. Okay. I want you to go back and get a couple of cushions off the couch and put them under Ray’s legs. I’ve got his arm. Hurry, now. How are you doing, Brian?”

“Almost done. What do you want me to do after?” I heard a siren in the distance.

“Just finish the roll.” The bandage was slowly turning red. David put Ray’s feet up on the couch cushions.

“Go out and flag down the ambulance.” David sprinted away as Kevin finished wrapping Ray’s arm. It was difficult to tell if the bandaging had done any good. I realized that sometime in the last minute, Ray had lost consciousness.

“I know, Brian.” The siren stopped right in front of the house. I could barely hear David telling them what the problem was. Kevin said, “Pete, move the kitchen table against the sink. Brian, you get the chairs.” We did as he asked.

The paramedics arrived just as we finished moving the furniture, and went to work immediately. Kevin ordered us out of the room while they cut away Ray’s underwear and wet down his t-shirt with saline so they could pull it off. Pete, Jason, David, and I gathered in the living room with Mrs. Cox, who was still badly shaken. None of us said anything, letting the minutes slip by as we awaited word on Ray’s condition.

What seemed like an eternity later, we heard the paramedics lift Ray onto their cart, and after buckling him in, raced him through the room and out the door to the ambulance.

Mrs. Cox finally came around as she watched Ray be wheeled out of the house. She said she’d be in touch and quickly left.

“Okay.” Jason moved immediately for the door, with us just a step behind. The siren wailed as the ambulance pulled away. We paused as it receded in the distance, almost entranced by the sound. When the ambulance turned the corner, we could move once again, and piled into the van.

We made it to the hospital just as Kevin came out of the trauma room at Oregon State Health University Hospital. Jason and Pete both looked very worried. David was concerned for Jason, and they stood with arms around each other, waiting. I stood behind Pete, my hand on his shoulder. He acted as if he didn’t even know I was there.

Kevin sighed. “The doctors are still working on him. There were a lot of cuts that had to be cleaned and dressed, but none of them too deep. He lost a lot of blood, but less than it looked like.”

“He’s going to be okay?” Jason’s voice quavered slightly, and David tightened his embrace in support.

“Yes, son. He’s going to live. But he needs help. After he heals, he’s going to have to be put in a program to get the help he needs.”

“As long as it takes.” Kevin pulled Jason to him and hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear.

Pete was a statue, not moving in the slightest. I put my arm around his waist and tried to get close, but he pushed me away. “I can’t. Not right now. I’m sorry.” He wandered down the hall toward the trauma room, watching through the glass, leaving me standing there staring after him. Jason and David drifted down that way too, leaving Kevin staring at me. I shrugged, and took a seat in the waiting room. Where he went next, I don’t know.

A few hours later, Jason, Pete, and David found me sitting in the waiting room and informed me we were going home. Jason’s eyes were puffy and red, as were Pete's and David’s. I followed them out to the van, trailing behind. Pete squeezed my hand- once- before he climbed in. Jason drove us back home. No one spoke. No one had any words to say. I’m sure everyone was thinking the same things, asking the same questions. How could Ray do this to himself? Why?

Pete looked out the window at the passing spring scenery, chewing on his knuckle. I watched him as he struggled with what he’d just experienced. His best friend outside of me had just tried to kill himself. I was at a loss. How could I help Pete deal with that? I didn’t feel anything, really, just sad. Wasn’t there anything more inside me? Didn’t I care?

David squeezed Jason’s leg as we drove. He was watching Jason the same way I was watching Pete, concern dominating his expression. Jason must feel the same way Pete does. Maybe worse, because this reminded him of Jeff’s suicide. He was maintaining now, but when we made it home, it was going to be rough. We still had a mess to clean up.

When we got there, I just told Pete to go clean himself up. He smiled weekly and went up the stairs. Jason and David followed him.

Sighing, I went out into the garage to get some cleaning supplies to scrub away Ray’s blood. I started with the porch, rinsing it into the grass and then bleaching the cement in an attempt to get it clean. I was marginally successful.

After changing shoes, I came back inside to start on the kitchen. I thought I was holding up pretty well, under the circumstances. Nothing that had happened was really affecting me. That was good, because if I could get all the cleaning done before Pete or Jason came down stairs, it would make things easier on them. I hoped they had gone to bed to get some sleep.

I walked in the kitchen and stopped abruptly, staring down at the dried pool of blood on the floor. There, in the center, covered in crimson, was Ray’s medallion. I fell to my knees and picked it up with trembling hands, and then quietly wept.

I finished cleaning the kitchen four hours after I regained my composure. I cleaned up the dishes from dinner and ran the dish washer, threw the cushion covers in the washer and cleaned the carpet stains. The whole job had left me feeling exhausted and empty inside.

Pete hadn’t come downstairs. Jason and David were upstairs as well. Kevin hadn’t called. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see it was after two in the morning. Pete was likely asleep. I hoped Jason and David were as well. The day’s events were the stuff of nightmares.

Ray’s medallion was in my pocket. I’d put it there after I stopped crying. I pulled it out and looked at it. Dried blood coated it’s shiny silver surface, a blatant reminder of what had occurred here. The leather cord was still damp, and stained a deep brown. I turned the medallion over in my hand. On the back was an engraving. Jason must have had it done before he gave it to Ray. It said:

My breath caught, and tears once again fell from my eyes. After removing the leather thong, I washed the medallion clean, and then set about cleaning the leather. When I was done, it looked as good as new.

Although I was exhausted, my brain was very active. I kept replaying what had happened in my mind’s eye, from opening the door and finding a bloodied Ray, to his cry for help, to trying to halt the bleeding. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t relax. I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t want to read, and television held no appeal.

After considering for a moment, I crept upstairs and got my sweats out of our room. Pete didn’t stir at all. He must be emotionally exhausted, too. I watched him sleep for a few minutes, the lights downstairs softly illuminating his face. The stressed expression he’d worn at the hospital had been replaced by a peaceful, almost angelic one. I loved him so much. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever, but I didn’t want to disturb him now. Who knows how long it took him to get to sleep.

I quietly closed the door and changed my clothes in the bathroom. It was only when I had them off that I noticed how much blood I had on myself. My shirt had streaks where I had brushed against Ray’s arm while bandaging it. My jeans were purple in places. Even my shorts had some blood on them. My shoes weren’t that bad, but they’d take some work.

I took my clothes downstairs and threw them in the trash. I didn’t want them reminding me of what had happened. Then I went to the workshop, and started lifting.

About four-thirty, I realized that lifting wasn’t going to help me relax, so I went for a run. A long run. I didn’t come back until well after dawn. When I finally got home, the clock said six-ten. I hadn’t been pushing myself, so I figured I ran about ten miles. I idly thought I should get a pedometer so I could track how far I ran.

After such a long run, I was famished. The cupboards in the kitchen didn’t have much for breakfast unless I wanted corn flakes or pancakes. In the fridge I found some bacon and eggs. I grabbed the cheese and decided to make myself an omelet.

The smell of bacon frying must have woke up someone, because I heard the toilet in the master bedroom flush. A short while later, as I was dishing up my breakfast, David walked into the kitchen wearing a pair of baggy shorts and nothing else. He had a great body.

“Wow. Did you clean this all up, Brian?” I nodded in response, and sat at the table. “That must have taken hours!” I shrugged. David looked at me hard. “Did I do something to piss you off?”

“Nothing bad. It’s like, I think I have you figured out, and then you do something to prove I don’t.”

“Like cleaning all this up. I thought you would have waited until we all could help.”

I shook my head. “I couldn’t do that to Pete and Jason.” I took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. “How is Jason doing?”

“We talked until midnight, and then fell asleep. He’s pretty scared. I think Ray reminded him of Jeff. Not how he did it, but that he was willing to do it.”

“If he wanted to kill himself, he wouldn’t have made all those cuts. He would have made one or two big ones. He came looking for help, too. If he really wanted to die, he would have.”

“Anything. Or nothing. I don’t know. We won’t know until we can talk to Ray.” I took another big bite, swallowing it almost whole. I was really hungry!

David searched my face as I ate, then stood and pulled out a box of cereal. I finished my omelet as he poured the milk. I put my plate in the sink and pulled out a bowl, and got out my corn flakes.

Around a mouthful of raisin bran, David asked, “You still hungry after that huge thing you ate?”

“Yeah. I didn’t really eat last night, and I had a huge workout.” David watched in disbelief as I filled the small mixing bowl to the top, added milk, and a teaspoon of sugar.

I laughed, and jumped slightly as someone spoke from behind me. “It wouldn’t matter if he did, I’d still love him.” I turned in my seat to stare into Pete's eyes. There I saw sadness, pain, fear. He was afraid. But what was he afraid of? “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I smiled. “You didn’t, baby. You just needed your time. I know that, and as it turned out, I needed mine too.” I got up and hugged him tightly, resting my head against his shoulder, listening to his strong heartbeat through his t-shirt.

He kissed my forehead and pushed me back, delving into my soul through my eyes. I couldn’t look away, not that I wanted to. Somehow, deep inside, we came closer than we already were. We’d been there for each other, and each time, it proved a bit more that what we had was real. It would never go away.

I lost myself, surrendering totally to him, drifting on the currents of his thoughts, seeing again for the first time his dreams, his desires, his fears and insecurities. I found that he was as insecure as I was, as self-conscious of his words and actions as I was, but only when he was with me. He was afraid he’d do something wrong and make me leave...

“...going to stand there all day long? You’re cereal’s getting soggy, Brian!”

The connection was broken. I found myself incredibly disappointed, almost angry at David for yanking us out of something so beautiful. Tears formed in my eyes. Pete's eyes glistened with moisture. He pulled me to him tightly, squeezing so hard my ribs were creaking. He released me and lifted my chin, then kissed me softly on the lips. I closed my eyes and stood there kissing him back, enjoying the contact. When he pulled away, I didn’t move, still wanting to regain that wonderful rapport Pete and I had found.

When I did open my eyes, he was smiling gently. I smiled back, and reluctantly released him. Returning to the table, I continued eating my cereal, watching Pete move around the kitchen. He pulled out the pancake flour and whipped up a batch.

As I finished my cereal, fatigue made itself known. I yawned so hard my jaw popped, sounding like a gunshot. David cringed, and Pete grinned.

I yawned again and said, “I think I’m going to take a nap. Will you wake me up when we hear anything?”

With effort, I drug myself upstairs to the bathroom and washed my face. Jason came out of his bedroom just as I walked out. His face was drawn and haggard. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked up at him. He smiled and turned to go downstairs.

“I’m doing okay, Brian. It was a rough night.” He looked down toward the kitchen. “I’m dreading cleaning up.”

“Don’t worry, Jason. It’s taken care of.” I pulled Ray’s medallion out of my pocket and handed it to him. “I found this. You’ll want to give it back to Ray when you see him.”

He stood there looking at the medallion for a moment, then hugged me tightly, whispering, “Thank you, Brian.”

He released me, and said, “Love you too, Bri.” A tear rolled down his cheek.

I awoke with a start, and head-butted Pete right in the face. He fell back into a sitting position, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

I had fallen asleep before my head hit the pillow, and slept hard. Pete had awoken me from a particularly intense dream, which is why I tried to sit up so quickly when he had kissed me.

“Are you okay?” we asked simultaneously. “I’m fine,” we said at the same time. We both giggled.

“All right. A little tired, but the nap helped. I have a slight headache.” He grinned. “What’s up?”

“Kevin said he’s a little weak from blood loss, but he’ll be fine.” Pete frowned. “Kevin found a place for him at Salem Hospital.”

“No, it’s a regular hospital. It’ll be a day program, though, so he’ll have to stay down there or commute.”

“Ouch. That’s a rough commute too. Highway twenty-six and two-seventeen, then down interstate five. About two hours, huh?”

“That’s what Kevin figured too. He’s going to take Ray down and live there through the week, and come home on the weekends. If Kevin doesn’t take him, then the state will put him in the state hospital.”

Jason was going to drive us to the hospital, but David wasn’t going. He didn’t want to crowd Ray, and had things he needed to do, anyway, so he said.

About an hour later, we were walking into the hospital at OSHU. We called the room Kevin had given Jason, and met him at the elevators when he came down to get us. Jason hugged his father, then Kevin hugged Pete and me. He didn’t look too bad for having stayed at the hospital all night. Maybe he got some sleep.

“Alright, guys, Ray is awake, but he’s tired and hurting. I don’t want any of you to mention what happened, and if he mentions it, change the subject. Focus on the positive.”

“I don’t know, son. I haven’t brought it up. I’m not sure how he’ll react.” The elevator doors closed, and we rode it to the fourth floor. As the door opened, Kevin reminded us, “Focus on the positive. Don’t mention what happened, and if he does, change the subject."

When we walked in, Ray was in the right hand bed in a two bed room, laying there with his eyes closed. The other bed was empty. I could tell Ray was awake by his uneven breathing. He looked pale, had an IV line in his right hand, and oxygen tube, and a blood pressure cuff on his left arm. His arms were bandaged and the rest of his body was covered by a sheet.

Ray opened his eyes as we surrounded his bed. He looked each of us in the eye, and put on a smile that melted away. Tears formed in his eyes as he turned his head from us. He irritably brushed away the moisture, then turned back to face us.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Ray,” Jason said as he moved to Ray’s side, smiling slightly. “You’re here, and we’re here. Everything is going to be fine.” He stroked Ray’s head gently.

“You’re with family now, Ray.” Pete moved beside Jason and took Ray’s hand.”

Tears once more filled Ray’s eyes. “I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better, Pete. I appreciate it, but I know the truth.”

“And what is that, Raymond?” Kevin never used Ray’s full name unless he was pissed.

“Because of what I did!” Dejectedly, he continued, “You can’t still want me after I cut myself up. If you do, you need to have your head examined.”

“Look at me.” With difficulty, Ray met Kevin’s gaze. “Now, I want you to listen to me very carefully. What I’m going to say will affect you the rest of your life. It’s very important that you understand this.”

“Okay.” Kevin stood to Ray’s left, across from Pete and Jason. He wore a frown, and his eyes were penetratingly intense. “Listen to me. You must understand this.” Kevin’s nose was mere inches from Ray’s. “I- love- you. I always will. I want you to live with me. I want you to grow up with me. I want you, Ray! I want you to be my son!”

Ray’s disbelief was mirrored on his face. Ray sputtered, “But- but- but what about...”

“It doesn’t matter. None of it matters, Ray. It never did, and never will. Don’t you understand, Ray?” Tears ran down Kevin’s face. “Can’t you understand? We need you!”

“He’s right, Ray,” Pete said. Ray’s eyes never left Kevin’s. “We need you. We want you to come home.”

Jason quietly said, “I don’t want to lose you, Ray. I don’t want to lose another brother.” He pulled out Ray’s medallion and put it in Ray’s hand, closing his fingers over it. “Please come home.” Ray turned his head and looked in my eyes.

Ray actually smiled, and then laughed. The sound filled the room and lifted everyone’s spirits “Yes, you did.” Turning back to Kevin, he asked, “Is it too late?”

We spent the evening talking, catching up on all that had happened. David showed up about five. I swear I thought Ray’s eyes were going to pop out of his head when he saw Jason kiss him. I heard him whisper, “Omigod!” He pulled me to him by my sleeve. “Is Jason gay?”

“Yeah. This is how I impress all of Jason’s boyfriends. Nice to meet you, too.”

“Probably tomorrow or the next day depending on your blood count. We have some cleaning up to do before you come home anyway.” Kevin glanced meaningfully at Pete and I.

“Not really. I finished up around two, then lifted for a while, and went for a run. I took a nap this morning.”

“It’s over, Ray. Time to move on, okay?” His answering smile wasn’t convincing.

A short time later, I found myself unable to keep my eyes open. Jason and Pete noticed, and after a saying goodbye, they led me to the van. I fell asleep on the way home, leaning against Pete, laying my head on his shoulder. I woke when we pulled into the driveway.

Pete smiled. “I’ll bring something up to you. Go get in bed. I’ll be up in a few.”

Standing in the driveway, I hugged Pete tightly, leaning against him, enjoying the feel of his hard body against mine. It couldn’t have been more than a moment, but as I hung there with Pete supporting me, time stopped.

I was changing. That detached feeling I used to associate with relationships was fading away. It wasn’t completely gone, but it was leaving. I was beginning to feel like I was worth something, that I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t, because I wasn’t pretending in the first place. The person I was presenting was actually me. I knew that now. And it was all because of Pete and his family.

With a final squeeze, I released him, and we walked arm-in-arm into the house. I followed Pete to the kitchen and helped him make dinner, as far as I was able. He chased me away with a grin the moment my fingers touched the food he was cooking.

David and Jason changed into their sweats and joined me in the living room to watch TV. The next thing I knew, Pete was shaking me awake.

“Mmm’ kay.” I rolled off the couch and onto my feet. I was surprised to see Kevin in the kitchen eating as well.

“He insisted I come home and get a shower,” Kevin said between bites. “He said I stunk.” With mock ire, he took another bite. I couldn’t help but giggle. Kevin glared at me until he couldn’t hold it together, then grinned widely. “He’ll be coming home day after tomorrow. We need to get his room cleaned up.”

“I’ll do it,” I said as I dug into the plate of pasta Pete had placed in front of me.

“We’ll all help,” Pete said. Jason and David joined us at the table and helped themselves to the spaghetti.

“Getting Ray’s room cleaned up for him. He’s coming home day after tomorrow.”

“Really? Excellent!” Jason’s smile lit up the room. “We’ll get it done tomorrow.”

Conversation centered around Ray’s impending arrival, moving on to Kevin and Ray moving down to Salem. Apparently, Kevin had told Van what happened, and since Ray was still a client of the firm, Van agreed to get a corporate apartment.

“How can the firm afford to pay for all of this? I mean, it’s just money out of their pocket, right?”

“No, actually, this all comes from a charitable fund set up when the firm was founded. The amount that goes out of the fund is more than made up for by investment returns. You boys aren’t the only people we help. There’s another young man from around here that is trying to sever ties from his parents, too. Another partner in the firm is representing him.”

“We don’t make a huge issue of it, because we like to control who gets our help. We only go after the toughest cases, or the cases we have a personal interest in. It’s called the Vanderkamp and Partners Child Defense Fund. Van and his partners started it forty years ago and deposit money in it each fiscal year. Pete's fees came out of that fund, as has Ray’s, as will this other young man’s. We also give scholarships to deserving kids. I got one when I was getting ready for college. A full ride.”

“Personally? I’ve handled three in the past four years. Ray’s has been especially difficult and drawn out. Most don’t last more than a year. I also had other things to deal with, like a losing a son, and almost losing another.” Kevin smiled gently at Jason, who smiled back.

Kevin nodded and continued. “Other partners handle more, some less, and associates are encouraged to take up cases as well. The firm probably handles twenty to twenty-five of those cases a year, with maybe twenty attorneys working them.”

“No, it’s not. Sometimes we take cases against insurance companies because they aren’t paying what they owe, or are refusing medical treatment. Other times it’s a family too poor to get legal assistance anywhere else. Most often, it’s a parent and children trying to get out of abusive families.”

“Not really. Sometimes it’s the kid suing one or both parents for monetary damages, and to get the abuse on record so it can be prosecuted. The actual number is closer to one in fifty. Oh! I forgot to tell you, Jason. Mr. Simons was offered a partnership, and he accepted. So now it’s Vanderkamp, Patterson, Simons and Craine.”

David smiled. “It’s a graduation present from my parents. They wanted me to take some nice girl, but I’d rather kidnap your son.”

“I can appreciate that. Have fun, boys.” Somehow, Kevin conveyed his jealousy in that comment, which we all found hilarious.

I finished up my meal, and excused myself. After cleaning up, I stripped and jumped into bed, gladly welcoming the sleep that was sure to overwhelm me in no time.

The next day dawned rainy and cold. I crawled out of bed and got my shower, then went downstairs to the kitchen and fixed myself some cereal and poured a glass of orange juice.

“Okay, Mom.” I finished up quickly and Brenda handed me my lunch and kissed me on the forehead. “Have a good day, hon. Mind your father now.”

I walked down the narrow road toward school, my yellow rain slicker shedding water as fast as the rain could fall. Trucks would pass me and spray me with water, but the raincoat just let it slide off.

When I made it to school, the first bell was ringing. I had Phys Ed first, and ran to get changed. I barely made it into place before the tardy bell sounded, and stood there while role call was taken. Across from me, I saw Pete. He was hot for a thirteen year old. He didn’t acknowledge me in any way, which concerned me. He had always at least looked at me, even if it was with contempt.

“Okay, boys, listen up. Today, we’re playing poison mat.” I groaned. At twelve years old and seventy pounds soaking wet, I didn’t look forward to this game of tackling and bodily punishment, especially since I knew it would give Brent, Randy, and Mike the chance to slam me. The coached mouthed the rules that would promptly be ignored once the game began. I glanced at Brent and Randy, and both wore evil smiles as they stared me down. Mike’s sinister grin only confirmed my fears. It was going to be a rough morning.

After the opening calisthenics, we proceeded to the wrestling room, which had a mat on the floor. In the center was a small gymnastics mat. The object of the game was to be the last one forced to touch the center mat. If you did touch it, you became one of those trying to force others to touch the mat.

With an immediate sense of dread, I saw Brent was the first chosen to be in the center. The coach blew his whistle. Forty boys raced toward the opposite wall, trying to avoid getting taken down by Brent.

The first ten passes or so, everything went fine, then I saw Brent look at me, and nudge Randy and Mike. They moved so they were directly in front of me, and my heart dropped. This was going to be painful.

The coach’s whistle blew. I hesitated for a second, then ran behind a wall of people on the right side of the mat, using them as a barrier between me and my three antagonists. I made it to the opposite wall just before Mike would have caught me. He backed up a few steps, and planted himself in front of me. Brent stood off to the right, and Randy took the left. There was no escape this time.

Again, the dreaded whistle blew. With sudden determination, I ran right at Mike, and at the last moment, juked right. I thought I was through until I felt a hand catch my shirt, pulling the collar up to choke me. My feet flew out from under me, and I was slammed down onto the mat. Brent and Mike fell on me hard, driving their knees into my sides. They picked me up and carried me to the mat, then dropped me. I got up and stared at them. They just smirked.

The scene was repeated four times that day. In the shower, Pete noticed me. “Wow, Brian, what did you do, Try to stop a semi?”

I dressed and went out into the hall, just in time to see Pete kiss his girlfriend, Ashley. He spent more time with her than with me. It’d been that way for about six months. Disgusted, I turned away, hurt yet again. I don’t know why I let it bother me. A lot of guys had girlfriends. But it did. Who needed him anyway?

The rest of the day passed like it never existed. Pete came up to me just before last period, almost in tears. “Brian, I need to talk to you. Meet me out behind the bleachers?”

I hurried to my locker and placed my books inside. Brent came up behind me and shoved my forehead into a shelf, cutting it open. I ignored it as best I could, as I ignored him. He walked away a moment later, allowing me to follow after Pete.

I found him behind the bleacher seats, sitting on the ground with his back toward me, shoulders hunched over, leaning against a light pole. I approached him, my steps crunching in the gravel, but he didn’t move. I crept closer.

“Pete?” No response. Pete, buddy, what’s wrong?” I shook his shoulder gently. His body fell over to the left, the blood staining his pants and the ground under him flowing freely from deep gashes in his forearms.

“Brian, what is it? Talk to me! What happened?” I gasped and inhaled sharply, and again. In a panic, I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. “Brian, baby, please talk to me.” Breathing hard, I realized I was in bed, with Pete trying to hold me. I jumped out of bed and stumbled over my shoes, falling into the computer desk. One of the speakers fell to the floor with a loud crash. I lurched into the closet door, slamming it shut as I impacted.

“Brian, it’s okay. I’m here.” Pete stepped off the bed and approached me.

“Stop! Stay right there!” It was more of a scream than anything else. The door opened, and light spilled in from the hallway.

“Can’t you guys...” Jason quickly realized the situation, and said, “Brian, were not going to hurt you.” He walked toward me.

“Don’t come any closer!” I yelled. My breathing was shallow and fast. I knew I was having a panic attack, but I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Brian, you’re bleeding. Look at your elbow.” Jason spoke quietly, trying to calm me down. It wasn’t working. He took another step forward, and was only two steps away.

“Come any closer and you’ll regret it!” My speech sounded breathless, wispy.

“Okay, let me in. Pete, Jason, wait outside.” I watched my boyfriend leave, his expression one of incredible sadness. Kevin entered after they Pete left, holding his hands out to his sides, palms toward me. I fell to my knees, unable to get my breath. “Brian, let me help you.”

“Stop!” It was all I could say. My vision was closing in. All I could see was Kevin.

Saturday morning. When I woke up, I was alone. The sun was up, the light spilling through the partially open blind, making the room stiflingly hot. Sitting up, I remembered what had happened the night before. A tremendous upwelling of rage and disgust filled me. What the fuck am I doing? Why can’t it just be over? I love Pete. I know I do. And I know he loves me, and would never do anything like what I dreamt.

“Goddammit! Fuckin’ bastard motherfucker!” The words flew from my soul, voicing the frustration, pain, anger, and self loathing I felt inside. I let loose another long stream of obscenities with the same vehemence. A moment later, the door opened. Kevin stood there, gazing passively back at me as I glared at him. Unable to meet his eyes any longer, I turned sideways to him and hugged my knees to me, still glaring straight ahead at the wall.

“Can I come in?” I shrugged. He closed the door behind him. “You gave us quite a fright last night.” I didn’t respond, instead just studying the wall. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shook my head. “Okay, then.” He patted his knees and stood. “I’ll see you when you come down, I guess.” He opened the door.

“Is that what it was?” I nodded. He closed the door and sat again. I didn’t shift my gaze from the wall. “What do you remember?”

“Do you remember what happened after you woke up?” I nodded. Kevin sighed. “Brian, son, I can't help you if you don’t let me in.”

I sat quietly for a moment, my mind racing around in circles. Kevin sat patiently waiting me out.

“No.” A moment passed in silence before I could continue. “Pete had a girlfriend. It felt like he betrayed me.”

“I can understand that.” Another silent moment. “Then Pete asked me to meet him by the bleachers, where we first figured things out?” He nodded. “When I got there, he was leaning against a light pole with his back to me.” Tears began to fill my eyes. “When I got to him, he fell over. He’d killed himself! Slashed his wrists! I couldn’t do anything to help him!”

I nodded, then dropped my head to my knees, crying. Kevin slid over to be next to me, and put an arm around my shoulders. A moment later, I stopped crying as the rage came back.

“I’m fuckin’ sick of this! All I want to do is love and be loved, but all these dreams and shit makes it almost impossible!”

“Sometimes. He gave me some pills to take at night, but they... I don’t like them.”

“Don’t be so sure. There’s a lot of pain and anger inside of you, Brian. Until it’s dealt with, things won’t get better.” I dropped my head to my knees again. “Are you ready to get up?”

Kevin peered at me strangely, like he’d just seen something weird. “You’re not hungry? Since when!” I looked at Kevin for the first time since he’d come in. Between his goofy face and his attitude, I couldn’t help but smile a little bit. “There you go. I’ll fix something anyway. It’s lunch time, and the others will be soon.”

I took my shower, taking extra time to let the hot water soothe the tension away. I dried and put on some shorts and a t-shirt. When I got downstairs, I could hear the others had arrived. Entering the kitchen, I was surprised to see Ray and Mrs. Cox sitting at the table as well.

Pete was at my side in no time, looking into my eyes. All I could do was whisper, “I’m sorry.” He kissed me on the lips, then the forehead, and pulled me to him. It felt good to have his arms around me. I felt safe and wanted.

His irrepressible grin revealed his happiness. Mrs. Cox was smiling as well, but I could tell she was still haunted by what had happened. She cringed just a bit whenever she looked at Ray. It was a good thing he was going to stay with Pete's family.

“Thanks, bro. It’s good to be here.” There were no bandages on Ray’s arms, but surprisingly, Ray only had a few stitches here and there. I couldn’t tell about his chest, but if the pattern followed, then he’s be back to his normal obnoxious self in no time.

“Oh, no thank you; Brian can have my chair. I just wanted to make sure Raymond got settled in. Remember, you and he have an appointment on the 22^nd at Salem hospital.”

“No way I could forget that. Eight o’clock on Monday the 22^nd. We’ve already arranged our accommodations.”

A chorus of goodbyes followed her out. I sat in her place as Kevin set down the plate of hamburgers he’d been grilling out back. The smell made me realize I wasn’t just hungry, I was ravenous.

“Yeah, and I think,” I said as I grabbed the plate of burgers, “that this’ll just about do it for me.” Everyone laughed. It felt good.

The rest of the day was spent just talking to Ray. We caught him up on what had happened at school in the time he’s been gone, what we’d gone through, the Kevin-and-Sharon situation, whatever we thought of.

Ray hadn’t had an easy time of it after he had left. He had been in constant conflict with his keepers. “It fucking sucks. I mean, I had to share a room with this thirteen year old kid. No privacy at all, and the staff searched our room three times a week.”

“Sorta. More like a boys home. About a hundred of us there, ranging from six to eighteen. The staff are a bunch of losers, though. They made me sit in this office with a shrink for an hour every couple a days. And that’s all I did. Didn’t say one word to that bastard.”

“I ain’t gonna sit in a room and have some asshole tell me I had a traumatic childhood. I think I know that better than he did!”

“I’m not arguing that, Ray. There are things that they can teach you to help deal with all the anger and pain you have.”

Ray frowned. “I guess I don’t have much of a choice now.” He looked at me. “Does Will really help you, Brian?”

“He helps me a lot. He taught me how to look at things so I can sometimes see things aren’t as bad as I think they are.”

“It’s worth a try, Ray,” Kevin interjected. “All I ask is that you try.”

“Oh. Lots of reasons. The food sucked, the people were rude and talked down to me, they made me do things I didn’t want to do, and there was no privacy at all.”

“I skipped class, telling them I was sick. The super made an inspection tour. Well, he walked in without knocking and caught me jerking off. Then he started yellin’ at me how it was a sin and all, all the while checkin’ me out, ya know? I got dressed while he was screaming, packed my backpack with my stuff, and just jammed.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t even get off.” I couldn’t help but laugh. The imagery was priceless.

“I told her what I told you.” Ray grinned brightly. “She got so red...” Everyone cracked up, including Kevin.

“I know, but you need to rest and recover. You still have blood to make up.”

“C’mon, Ray,” Jason said, “let’s go get you settled in your room again. We cleaned it up for you. Oh, and we put fresh sheets on too. The others were stained something terrible.”

“You wish,” David responded, putting a protective arm around Jason with a smile.

Ray observed the couple for a moment. Then, pointing at them, he said, “You two have a lot to explain! You can tell me while I get ready for bed.” Ray stood and climbed the stairs two at a time. David and Jason followed with a grin.

“Pete, it’s not you. It’s not me, really, either. I’ve just got a lot of shit to deal with, and this thing with Ray brought some of it out, okay?”

The next morning dawned hot and humid. I woke as the sun was coming over the horizon, like I had a timer in me. I lifted Pete's arm off me and sat up. I dressed in my sweats and went downstairs just in time to see Ray finishing off my corn flakes.

He blinked for a moment. “Yeah, I guess I did.” I watched him as he took another massive bite of cereal. He chewed and swallowed. “What?”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m okay.” I let him take another bite and poured my juice.

“Why did you cut yourself?” He stopped mid-bite and set down his spoon. He locked his eyes his hands, resting on the table.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” he said so softly I had to strain to hear him.

“By being more painful?” He nodded miserably. I sat down next to him, leaning toward him so I could see his face. “Did you want to kill yourself?”

He took in a deep, halting breath, and let it go. “I did. Part of the time. I couldn’t get myself to cut deep enough. Something stopped me.” I put my hand on his knee, causing him to jump. He glanced at me, our eyes meeting for the briefest instant, before he dropped his gaze back to his hands.

He sat still for a moment, then reached into his shirt. “This.” He held his medallion in front of his eyes, staring at it. “Every time I wanted to do it, I felt this on my chest. Every time I felt unloved, this damn thing proved me wrong. It’s like it was laughing at me. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I knew I had to come home. I knew I had to go where I might be loved if I was going to live.”

He held my gaze now, and the corner of his mouth turned up slightly. “This is going to sound really stupid, but Jeff kept me from doing it. I thought about what Jason had gone through losing him, and realized, with the help of this,” he raised his medallion again, “that Jason loved me just like he did Jeff. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t make him go through all that.

“So I got up, and started walking toward here, taking back alleys and trails. Some one saw me, but they didn’t do anything other than run. Then I got here. I couldn’t knock. I stood there for I don’t know how long. A minute maybe. Two? Then the door opened, and I saw all of you. I don’t remember what happened after that.”

He took a deep breath. “No, Brian, I’m not. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m scared shitless. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I’m flailing around in the water, and the only thing that can keep me afloat is you guys. Dad says I need help. Maybe I do. But I can tell you one thing. If I ever get taken away from Dad again, I will kill myself.”

“No, Ray. You don’t have to. As soon as the papers are signed, you can’t be taken away. You’re Kevin’s son. You’re Pete's and Jason’s brother.” I grinned. “You’re my brother-in-law. And you’re my friend, even if you are the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “We all love you, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done.”

He closed his eyes, head down again. Taking deep steady breaths, he tried to keep himself under control, but he just couldn’t hold it in. He turned to me and hugged me, resting his head on my shoulder as he cried.

Ray and I talked until Kevin came down for breakfast. We shared our pasts and were amazed at some of the similarities. I told him he might want to consider letting Kevin in, because it might help, but Ray wasn’t sure if he was ready to do that.

We became much closer friends that morning. I came to realize that, once you get through the gruff, flippant exterior, Ray was really a nice guy, and just as insecure as the rest of us. When Kevin did come down, Ray put his mask back on, and I respected his choice to play his role for now.

Pete and I spent the rest of the week getting ready for our road trip. We’d be leaving at six on Monday morning, early enough to get a jump on traffic, not that there would be much on twenty-six out to the beach.

We had a small farewell party on Sunday afternoon with just our families. Dad came over, as did Van and his wife. Kevin got a real surprise when Van’s son, Kevin, came with them. They hadn’t seen each other since they’d graduated from Law School, and quickly monopolized Dad and Kevin. Jared came over, too. He and Ray avoided each other for as long as they could until Pete and I brought them together to talk things out between the two of them. We left them in our room, and backed out quietly.

A short while later, Jared took his leave and went home without a word. Pete climbed the stairs and came back down after a few minutes, obviously unhappy.

“Jared wouldn’t accept his apology. Ray wants some time alone.” I nodded, looking up toward our room. Ray had said some really terrible things to Jared. I hoped Jared would one day be able to set this aside and be Ray’s friend once again.

Sunday night, we went to bed early, as did Ray and Kevin. We’d all be getting up around five: Pete and I were heading west to the coast, and Kevin and Ray were heading south to Salem. Jason and David we acting like little children, knowing that they’d have the house to themselves for most of a month.

We made slow, gentle love that night, just doing what felt right, and after, we fell asleep in each others’ arms, completed and whole. In that moment, everything was right with the world.

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