Growing Pains

I awoke the next morning, groggy and ill rested.  Pete turned off the alarm and promptly went back to sleep after throwing his arm over me.  Loath though I was to get out of bed and go to practice, I knew I couldn’t stay.  A commitment had been made to the team, and I couldn’t back out of it.  I kissed Pete on the cheek, and then slid out from under the covers, taking extra care not to disturb him.  Silently gathering my things, I tiptoed to the door and went out as quietly as I could.

  Downstairs, I found Kevin to be much more awake than he had been yesterday.  “Morning, sport.  How ya doing?”

  “Eh.  I didn’t sleep well.  Neither did Pete.  We tossed an turned all night.”

  “Really?  What happened to cause that?”

  I looked him in the eyes and lied.  “I don’t know.  Just couldn’t sleep, is all.”  I did know what had caused our sleeplessness.  Pete's concern about losing me to all my activities was well founded.  I did indeed have a full schedule, and I hadn’t included any time for us.  I was so busy training for wrestling and keeping up on homework, just like I had done last year and the year before.  Couldn’t Pete understand that I was just doing what I had to, that everything I did was necessary for me to succeed?

  “Hmm.  Well, if you still have trouble sleeping tonight, let me know.”

  “Sure.”  I poured myself a glass of juice and downed it just as quickly.  “I want to get to the gym early.”

  “It’s only now a quarter past five.  Practice doesn’t start until six.”

  “I know, but I have a morning routine before practice that takes about a half hour.”

  “Then you need to eat a better breakfast than just a glass of juice.”

  “I’ll be okay, Kevin.  I’ve kept this routine before during wrestling season.”

 “Didn’t you almost kill yourself with that routine?”  His piercing eyes examined me, leaving me feeling self-conscious and guilty.  I laughed it off, though, and answered him.

  “Yeah, I did, but I know better now.  I know I have to take care of myself.”  It was easy to tell he wasn’t convinced.

  “I’ll let you keep your routine for now, but if I see any signs of your grades slipping or you getting sick, I’m going to step in.  I mean it, Brian”

  “Fine.  I can live with that.”  I’d just have to make sure that he didn’t see any sign of weakness, and keep my grades up.  No problem.

  “What about you and Pete?”

  “What about us?”

“How does he feel about your schedule.”

  “We talked about it last night.”  Not a lie.

  “And?”

  “And nothing. He didn’t say much one way or the other.”

  “Well, as long as you two make time for each other, then I guess it’s okay.  Let’s get you to practice then.”

  Kevin left me at the gym at about five-thirty.  Of course, the coach had opened up the locker room when he had arrived.  I didn’t see anyone other than the coach as I entered the locker room, and thought I was alone until I went into the varsity locker area, which was set apart from the main locker room.  Brent was there, getting dressed down for practice.  This surprised the hell out of me since Coach Knowells had said Brent was always late for practice.

“Morning, Brent.”  He didn’t respond to me, and just pulled on his shorts over his jock.  “You’re here early.  What’s up?”

  “Look, fuckstain, just shove it.  I don’t like you, but I’ll keep my part of the deal.  I won’t be your buddy, or your friend.  And there is no way in hell you are going to outdo me on the mat, in practice or not.”

  “Hey man, this isn’t a contest.  If you aren’t ready to keep up with me, don’t try.  I’m not saying that to be a prick, Brent.  I have a heavy, heavy routine.  I can help you come up to speed, but if you jump in cold, it’s gonna hurt.”

  “Fuck off.  I can handle it.”

  I shrugged.  “Okay, your choice, man.”  He strode out of the room, leaving me to get changed for my morning routine.  I was mostly dressed anyway.  All I had to do was put my sweats in my locker and change my shoes.

  When I came out of the varsity lockers, Brent was talking to coach in his office.  Apparently Coach Knowells was telling him something he couldn’t believe, because his expression conveyed surprise.  He was also growing pale.  I could see the blood drain out of his face as the coach finished up.  Brent swallowed, then turned his head, and saw me.  That sneer I knew so well immediately reasserted itself.  The coach said something else to Brent as I approached, but I couldn’t hear it.  Whatever Mr. Knowells had said, it seemed to have an effect on Brent.  He came out of the office slowly, a look of dread on his face, perhaps tinged with uncertainty.

  “C’mon.  Let’s go.”  A far cry from his usual cocky self.  I wondered what the coach said to him.  It didn’t really matter, since I wasn’t going to do anything different even if Brent insisted on joining me.  Either he could keep up, or I would leave him in the dust.

  Practice ended, and surprisingly enough, Brent had kept up with me through the weight lifting and the running.  He wasn’t quite as sharp on the mat though, so I knew that the extra work had taken something out of him.  When the whistle blew signaling the end of practice, Brent went to his knees, just as I did.  He was breathing very hard, much harder than he had yesterday.  A few moments later, I stood and offered him a hand up.  He ignored it, struggled to his feet on his own, and went to take his shower.  I shook my head in disgust.

  “Hey coach!  What did you say to Brent?”

  “That’s none of your business, Kellam!  Go hit the showers.”

  “If he’s gonna drop dead on me, I want to know.”

  “Skip it.  It’s none of your concern.  Just keep doing as you are.”  The look I gave to Mr. Knowells left no doubts that I was unhappy having to deal with an unknown factor.  “Go, Kellam, or you’ll wish you could sleep in until five every morning.”

  “Nice threat, coach,” I said sarcastically.

  He glowered as he loomed over me.  “Now you listen to me and you listen really good.  I don’t care if you were the national champion in your weight division.  I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect on my team.  If I want you here at five in the morning, you’ll be here at five in the morning.   If I decide to scratch you from a match, you will sit out.  If I don’t want you on this team, because of your attitude, or any other reason for that matter, then you won’t- be- on- the team.  That ain’t a threat, kid.  That’s a promise.  So you better fix your problem.  You’ve had your warning.  You don’t get another one. Now hit the showers.”

  I glared for a moment and then walked back to my locker in the varsity room. The team was cleaning up after a hard practice, and no small amount of grab ass going on.  I ignored them as I walked by as best I could, but the sting of a rat-tailed towel earned a senior a razor-sharp glance, but nothing more.

  I was furious!  I had a right to know what was going on with Brent.  If he couldn’t keep up, then having him work out with me could become a liability.  I couldn’t afford to let him keep me down.  And Mr. Knowells should know that!

  I undressed and showered, still fuming.  I couldn’t believe the coach would have the nerve to scratch me from a match, much less drop me from the team.  My mind kept going in circles.  The more I thought about what the coach said, the angrier I became.  By the time I had dressed, I was so worked up that I couldn’t sit still when I joined the gang in the cafeteria just before class. 

“How you doing, Brian?” Jared was his usual cheerful self.

  “Fine.”  I made it clear I wasn’t in a conversational mood.

  “You okay, Brian?”  Pete's face was filled with concern.  Hadn’t he just heard what I told Jared?

  “I said, I’m fine!”

  “Hey, man, just asking.”  The hurt was evident in his voice.  Pete stood and mumbled something about needing to go to his locker as he turned away.

  “Dude, that was about cold.  What’s your problem?”  Jason stood as well, and giving me a disapproving frown, chased after Pete.

  “Fuck!”  I was so frustrated I yelled as I slammed my fists on the table, startling Jason and Ray. 

  “Brian Kellam!  Come with me!”  Ms. Wheeler, my creative writing teacher just happened to be passing behind me as I had yelled.  Obediently, I rose and followed her to the office.  She deposited me in “death row”, the line of chairs outside the vice principal’s office, went inside and spoke with Mr. Johnson for a brief moment, and then left me sitting there with a backward glance that spoke volumes of what she thought of my behavior.

  First period started with me still sitting there.  I was still furious, but now I was berating myself for being stupid.  The minutes passed slowly as I watched the sweep hand travel around the clock.  Several times, Mr. Johnson came out of his office to speak with the office staff, and then returned to his office without sparing me a glance.

  The bell rang signaling the end of first period.  The vice principal wandered out of his office again and stationed himself in the hallway to watch the students and ensure there was no trouble.  As I watched people pass, I saw Pete glance into the office.  He caught my eye, but that was it.  No smile, no recognition, nothing.  He didn’t even slow down. Oh, shit.  I’d really pissed him off.

  Second period began.  Mr. Johnson came back into the office and finally deigned to look at me.  “I’ll see you now, Mr. Kellam.”  Gee, thanks.  “Ms. Wheeler tells me you threw a temper tantrum in the cafeteria and screamed some obscenities.  Is that true?”  I followed him into his office and sat without waiting for permission.

  “I was angry.”

  “Did you scream the ‘F’ word for the whole cafeteria to hear?”

  “Yeah, I guess I did.”

  “And you hit a table with your fists?”

  “I suppose.”  I sighed.  I was in deep shit now.

  "What upset you so much that you tried to destroy a table in the cafeteria?”

  “I had a frustrating practice and I pi... uh... made my b- best friend angry.  He won’t even look at me now.”

  “So you thought the best way to deal with this was to attack the table?”

  I spoke quietly, trying to control the rage I was feeling.  “I told you I was upset.”

  “And that is your excuse for losing your temper?”  I didn’t respond.  “You’ll serve your detention with me today after school.  I’ll notify your coach for appropriate disciplinary action on his part.  You can call your parents and tell them you’ll be staying until five, and you’ll tell them why.  What is your phone number?”  He dialed home and handed the receiver to me.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi Kevin.  It’s Brian.”

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “I’m going to be late today, I won’t get out until five.  Can you pick me up?”

  “Sure.  Why so late?”

  “I, um, got detention.  I was upset and said something I shouldn’t have.”  A pregnant pause.

  “I see.  We’ll discuss this later then.  I’ll see you at five.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.”   I handed the phone back to Mr. Johnson.

  “I must say, Mr. Kellam, that I’m disappointed to see you in my office.  Nothing in your old schools records said anything about you being a troublemaker, or having a temper.  I hope this is an isolated incident.”  Seeing I was not going to respond again, he frowned.  “You may go back to class now.  I’ll see you here immediately after last period, Mr. Kellam.”  I stood and left without a word, royally pissed off at myself, and the world in general.

  I kept to myself all day.  Phys Ed sucked because Pete kept badgering me about what happened, and why I got detention, so of course I yelled at him again.  I skipped lunch so I wouldn’t have to face Pete and the rest of the gang.  Instead, I went to the library, where I read my book for the entire time.

  The rest of the day went fine.  Biology was interesting as usual, but Pete virtually ignored me from the moment class let out until we parted ways at the office so I could serve my punishment.  Mr. Johnson had me report to the janitor, and he had me cleaning toilets until my time was up.  I hated every minute.

  Kevin was waiting out front when I finally got there.  I got into the van without a word, while he watched me with serious eyes, his expression unreadable.  I couldn’t tell if he was angry or sympathetic.  The only thing I could tell for certain was he was concerned.  I held my peace as he drove us toward home, but instead of pulling into the driveway, he pulled into the park.  Motioning me to follow him, he walked to a bench overlooking the field, and sat next to Sharon, who happened to be there.  What a coincidence.   Knowing I could not avoid the coming conversation, I sat on the next bench over from them.

  “Okay, Brian.  What happened?”  Kevin started it of with a neutral tone.  I answered, trying to keep my tone neutral as well.

  “I had a bad practice this morning, which put me in a bad mood.  When I met Pete and Jason in the cafeteria, I snapped at Pete.  He got up and walked away.  I said the ‘F’ word and slammed the table with my fists.  Ms. Wheeler saw me and took me to Mr. Johnson.”

  “And that’s it?”

  “That’s it.”  He turned to face me on the bench.  I could feel his penetrating gaze on me, even though I wasn’t looking at him.  Sharon stood, and sat again on the other side of me.  I was beginning to feel trapped.

  “Brian, what is really bothering you?  What happened today isn’t like you.”  Sharon’s face also reflected concern.

  “Sure it is.  I get angry all the time.”

  “But you don’t act out on it like this.”

  “How would you know, Sharon?  All you have to go on is what my parents, Pete, and Danny have told you.  None of them really know what’s going on.”

  “Then tell us, Brian.  Tell us what’s really going on.”

  “The only thing that is going on here is I have too many people trying to ‘help me’.  I’m doing what I have to do to make the grade and keep the peace.”

  “Even with Pete?”  She wore a forbidding, angry expression now.

  “What goes on between him and me is our business, not yours,” I turned to Kevin, “or yours.”

  “Wrong!  It is our concern since you both live under our roof.”  Kevin was angry now.  “When Pete comes home and disappears into his room, there is a problem.  He is not like that.  And when I check on him, he’s laying in his bed, crying.  Tell me you had nothing to do with that!”

  “He was crying?”  Kevin nodded, still glaring daggers.  I stared back, schooling my face to impassivity.

  “I have to go and talk to him.”

  “We’re not done here.”

  “What the hell do you want me to say?  I just told you what happened.”

  “I want the truth, Brian.”  Sharon was calmer than I expected her to be.  “I want to know what it is that causes you to act as you do.”  I snorted.

  “I need to go to Pete.  Can’t this wait until after dinner?”

  They locked eyes, communicating to one another their feelings on the postponement.  Finally, Sharon gave a short nod to Kevin.

  “Okay.  Right after dinner.”

  “Thanks.”  I rose and sat in the back seat of the van.  The two adults followed a few moments later after a hushed, heated exchange of words.  Neither of them was concealing their anger very well.

  When we got home, I went straight up to our room, and knocked on the closed door.

  “Come in.”

  I opened the door.  Pete was sitting at the desk doing his homework.  He didn’t look up as I entered.

  “Can I come in?”

  “I guess.”  He continued to work on his assignment, not even pausing to glance my direction.  I stood there for a short time studying him as he worked.  He put down his pencil and gave an exasperated sigh.  “Is there a reason you’re staring at me?”  His tone did everything to push my buttons, angering me.

  “I came in to tell you I’m sorry for how I treated today.  I was staring at you, because I like looking at you, but if it bothers you, I’ll leave.”  I turned to go.

  “Brian, wait.”

  “Why?  It’s obvious you don’t want me here.”

  Rage suffused his face and voice. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I want you here.  The question is, do you want to be here?  You have been pushing me away since you got here!  You think about that for a while.  I have homework to do.”

  “Oh, well don’t let me stop you.  I’ll get what I need and leave you alone!”  His glare followed me as I picked out what I would need for the next couple days.  Neither of us said a word as I packed them into a duffel bag and left the room, nearly slamming the door behind me. 

  As I made my way downstairs, through the kitchen and utility room to the spare room out back, I felt a hole form in my gut.  The feeling was the same as when Pete had been taken away.  I had suppressed all the pain and anger to continue on with my life.  Now that I was feeling the same things, it was natural reflex to suppress them again.  The only thing I knew for sure was that I hated myself and what I had become.

*     *     *     *     *

  The next several weeks were just about the worst weeks of my life, including the time I was separated from Brian.  He had become a completely different person than who I had fallen in love with, now a cold, unfeeling, self-centered jerk.

  After he walked out on me that night, I broke down completely.  I didn’t go to school for the rest of the week.  Kevin, Sharon, and Jason all begged me to let them intervene, but I made them promise to leave him alone to do what he felt he had to. They didn’t bother him, against their better judgment. None of them liked it, but they kept their promise.

  Dinner had become a lonely affair.  Brian ate with us, but it was like he didn’t really exist.  For almost two weeks he was silent, never saying anything beyond asking someone to pass the potatoes or something similar.  After those two weeks, Brian and I came to a truce of sorts. 

  We were friends still, and we acted as such, but the intimacy we had shared wasn’t there.  It hurt, oh how it hurt, but I could survive until Brian made up his mind where he wanted to be.  We didn’t discuss anything that might lead to a confrontation.  I don’t think either of us could have handled that very well.

  One night, about two weeks after our truce, Sharon sent me to Brian’s room to see if he was going to eat with us.  I remember this night specifically.

  I knocked on his door and went in.  “Dinner is ready.  Are you going to eat?”

  “You go ahead.  I’m not hungry.”

  A silent pause.  “Are you okay?”

  “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I know how hard you work in practice.  It’s kind of hard to keep that up if you skip meals.  Speaking of which, did you ever eat lunch today?  I didn’t see you eat anything.”

  “I ate something.  It was cafeteria food, so I can’t tell you what, exactly.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean.  Sure you’re not hungry?”

  “Yup.  You go ahead.  I want to finish this chapter.”

  “Okay.”  I closed his door and returned to the kitchen.

  “Where is Brian?”

  “He says he’s not hungry.”  Kevin and Sharon glanced at each other.

  Ray piped up.  “How can he not be hungry after all the energy he burns at practice and stuff?  I watched him for a while before school today, and he could hardly stand after the coach sent them to the showers.”

  “Are you spying on him, Ray?”  My tone held a hint of amusement.

  “Or trying to catch a quick peek?”  Jason couldn’t resist getting into the act.

  “Nope, just enjoying the scenery.”  Jared, who was over for dinner, kicked Ray beneath the table, but Ray just grinned through a pained expression.  “I didn’t say it was the best scenery, Jar.  You weren’t there yet.”  Jared smiled and patted Ray on the leg, and then continued eating, but only for a bite or two.  Joanne started in with her “Two Little Love Birds” routine that soon had all of us except for Ray and Jared rolling.  Encouraged, she continued louder than before.

  “Okay, ha, ha, very funny, Joanne.  You can quit now.”   She didn’t even pause.  “Look, we’re not going to get married, and we’re not going to have a baby, so let it drop, okay?”  Joanne did stop, and cocked her head at Ray, who now wore a hunted look.

  “Why not?”  Ray blinked a few times, and then looked around the suddenly silent table.

  He cleared his throat.  “Mom?  Dad?  A little help here?”  Neither Kevin nor Sharon answered Ray, who was obviously discomfited.  They looked at each other for the longest time before Sharon responded.

  “They aren’t going to get married or have a baby because they are too young, honey.  Only adults are supposed to get married and have babies.”

  “But other kids have babies.  You know that girl in Jason’s class?  Well she had a baby.”

  “I know, but it would have been better if she had waited until she was an adult.”

  “Why, mama?”  Sharon gave Kevin a long-suffering smile.

  “Come on, baby.  Let’s go upstairs so I can explain it too you.”  They rose together, and taking her mother’s hand, Joanne followed Sharon up to her room for one of those talks.  As they left, the rest of us breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

  “That was close.”

  “Oh, I don’t know, Ray,” Kevin said. “It was bound to come up sometime, and now is just as good a time as any.  Like I have told you guys, I don’t want you to feel you have to hide who you are, or who you love, in this house.  Don’t ever feel you have to do that.  If you do, talk to us.  That includes you, Jared.”  The phone rang just as Kevin finished speaking.  He looked around the table and caught our eyes meaningfully before he answered it.

  “Hello?  Oh, Hi Ben.  Yeah, he’s in his room.  Yup.”  He motioned me to go get Brian.  “Pete just went to get him.  Everything is fine.  He’s a teen-ager. Of course he causes trouble.”  Another long pause, during which Kevin’s expression grew worried.  “Oh, here he is.  If there is anything we can do to help, please call.  It’s your father, Brian.”  Handing Brian the receiver, Kevin’s face now reflected concern in addition to worry.  Something had happened.  I knew it.

  “Thanks.  Hi, Dad.  I’m fine.  What is it?”  Brian was quiet for a time as he listened to the phone.  He turned his back toward us, and replied with a weak voice.  “How bad?  When?  For how long?  What about...  I can’t, Dad.  You said I could!”  His voice broke as he spoke into the receiver.  “You can’t!  Oh.  I don’t know.  Let me know what happens, okay?  Bye.”  He hung the phone back in its cradle, and stood quietly for a moment with his back to us, before shuffling toward his room.  His eyes were on the ground, his expression blank.  I knew him well enough to tell something new was bothering him.  Something big.

  “Bri?  You okay?”

  “Yeah.  I just need some time alone.”

  “Brian...”  Kevin’s voice held more authority than mine.  Brian paused to look back at him, then resumed his plodding way out of sight into the utility room.

  “I’m okay!  I need to think.”

  I stood and followed him to his room, shutting the door behind us.  Brian laid on the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest, his back toward me.  “Bri, what’s going on?  Please tell me.  Please let me in.”   I had to strain to hear him.

  “My grandma had a stroke.  She’s not expected to live long.”

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Bri.”  I lay my hand on his shoulder.  “Can I get you anything?”

  “No, I just need some time to myself.”

  I thought, “That’s the last thing he needs,” but I wasn’t going to argue with him, not now at least.  “Okay, Bri. You know where I am.  If you need anything, or want to talk, come get me, okay?”  He nodded.  That was his only response of any kind.  I didn’t see any tears, any shaking, nothing.  It was like he was made of stone, impervious to emotion.  I was seeing him as he was before he knew I was here in Portland.  I hugged him as tightly as I could before leaving him.  Quietly, I closed the door to his room.  Kevin glanced at me as I returned to my seat at the table.  I closed my eyes and shook my head, prompting Kevin to frown. 

  “What happened?”  Jason’s question was more of a demand, and he looked as worried as his father.

  “Brian's grandmother had a stroke.”  Silence descended over the table as that news sunk in.  Sharon returned at that moment.  She noticed something was up immediately.

  “What’s going on?”  We filled her in.  She sat heavily at her place.  Dinner was pretty much over at that point.

*     *     *     *     *

  Numb.  I was completely numb, and in shock.  How could my grandma have had a stroke?  She wasn’t that old.  “Hell, why was I even concerned,” came the angry thought.  “They rejected me as soon as they found out I was gay.  They didn’t even talk to me.  Why should I worry about them?  They don’t care about me.”

  Tears came unbidden to my eyes, and I wiped them away angrily.  How dare they make me cry?  Because of them, I may not be able to stay with Pete.  Mom and Dad had dropped their plans to come to Portland.  Grandma and Grandpa were moving in with Mom and Dad, so I might have to go home to help take care of them.  Wouldn’t that be great?  Fuck!

  I can’t tell you how long I lay there and cursed the fates that had brought me to this point.  The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the life I had before I moved up here.  I’d kill myself first.  A nagging voice in the back of my head asked, “Isn’t your life the same now?”  I ignored it.

  Standing up, I paced the floor back and forth, seeing my world crumble in front of me.  Tears came once more, which made me furious.  Fuck them!  They can’t ruin my life again!  I won’t let them.  Mom and Dad can just shove it if they think I’m ever coming back home.  I felt like they had betrayed me again, causing my grandma to have a stroke so I’d have to come back home.

  Of course I was irrational.  As I became more and more angry, I suppressed it more and more, until it was hidden, waiting for me to slip and let my defenses down so it could reemerge and destroy me.  I couldn’t allow that to happen.  I slipped back into the person I knew best.  Brian, as Pete knew him, went into hiding.  In his place was a cold, calculating person who kept everyone at arms reach.  Everyone, including the one who it was most important he keep close.  I drifted off to sleep.  Pete told me later that “Brian the Ice Man” had been around since I had moved, but I didn’t realize it at the time.

  I had dreams that night, dreams that disturbed, even frightened me.  The first I remember was set in a strange building which I took to be the gym where the state tournament was being held. Pete was there on the floor in my corner with Kevin behind him, restraining him.  Kevin’s face was a grim mask next to Pete's tear-streaked grimace of pain.  The referee motioned me onto the mat, but somehow I knew that if I went out there, I would lose Pete, never to see him again.  Kevin would take him away from me forever.  The dream seemed to last forever as I turned away from them and walked to the mat.  I could hear Pete’s screams begging me not to go, as the distance to the mat grew from a step or two to what seemed like miles.  Every step I took caused Pete to renew his cries, begging me not to go on, to come back to him, but I couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried.  I awoke to what I thought were my own screams, but Pete was still sleeping peacefully.  I felt guilty, sick, and alone.  I lay back down, shaking like a leaf.  Sleep came back, eventually.

  Another dream, or maybe a continuation of the same dream, I’m not sure which, placed me in ring against an opponent who was twice my size.  We came together, but instead of him grappling and going for a pin, he hurt me.  He broke bones and ripped my body apart.  I woke in a cold sweat about three, and got up, not wanting to dream anymore. 

  To help clear my mind, I went for a run around the park. The streetlights provided enough visibility that I could jog without worrying about my footing.  Three of four miles later, I arrived back at the house, but I couldn’t go back in.  Something prevented me.  It was like I didn’t belong there.  I sat on the porch and leaned back against the door, watching the moths flitter around the street lamp across the street in the fog, allowing my mind to go neutral.  I knew I would lose it if I let my mind settle on Pete.  I missed him so much.

  I don’t know how long I sat there, but I startled back to consciousness as the kitchen light was turned on.  Kevin was up, getting ready to take me to practice.  I rose and went around the back of the house, entering the kitchen through the utility room.

  “Morning, Brian.”

  “Morning.”

  “What are you doing up this early?  I thought I would have more time for coffee, but here you are, ready to go.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Quarter to five.”

  “Oh, okay.  Drink your coffee.  I’ll wait in the living room.”

  “Brian, when did you get up?”

  “I don’t know.  I couldn’t sleep any longer.”

  “Your Grandma?”

  “I just woke up.  That’s all.”

  “Bad dreams?”

  “No, I just woke up.”  I added a little heat to my voice to make him leave me alone.  It didn’t work.

  “Brian, your grandmother had a stroke.  She’s not the same person you knew.”

  “No shit, Sherlock!”  His eyes narrowed.

  “You can’t just ignore this, Brian!  She is an important person in your life.  I can understand if you feel angry and hurt, or sad.  It’s normal.”

  “I’m not hurt, I’m not sad.  Shit happens.  I’m already past it, and I’d appreciate it if you’d drop it already!”

  “Brian...”  Compassion was written all over his face, and I couldn’t stand it.

  “I’ve changed my mind.  I want to go to school now.”  I could see him struggling inside.  He wanted to help me so much, but I was shutting him out, just like I had been doing all along.  He finally nodded and acquiesced to my demand, but I could see hints of angry frustration around his eyes and mouth.

  We didn’t say another word on the trip to school.  He dropped me off and drove away without a sideways glance.  Why couldn’t he understand that I was only doing what I needed to to keep my balance?  I couldn’t handle dealing with my grandparents’ problems and my problems too.  And it seemed as if my problems were growing exponentially.

  The locker room door was still locked when I tried it, so I spent the time until coach got here stretching out, trying not to tighten up from my early morning run.  He arrived about five-fifteen and seemed very surprised to see me.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to get in some good lifting today before practice.”

  He gave me a measuring glare, judging me.  “I think you are over doing it.”

  “I’m doing the same thing I did last year and the year before, coach.  It got me to the state finals.”

  “You need to give your body a break every now and then.  I want you to write out your weekly routine for me.  We’ll see if you’re overdoing it, Kellam.  I’m not going to have you injure yourself.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Whatever. Can we go in now?”  He unlocked the door and held it open for me.  I didn’t even bother changing out of my sweats, instead making a beeline for the weight machine.  I set up the bench press with the proper weight and went to town.  Coach Knowells watched me lift for a while, and then went back to his office.  A short time later, I noticed Brent limp into the weight room just as I burned out on the bench.  I switched to the tri-extension and Brent took my place at the bench.  Not a word was spoken, just the sound of metal on metal, weights slamming, and an occasional grunt could be heard.  I sensed rather than saw the coach watching me again.  He was starting to make me nervous.

  The last several weeks had been good as far as wrestling had gone.  I had won every match I had with ease, and was well on the way to the district championship.  Brent had lagged behind me initially, but after a few weeks he began to keep pace with me and challenge me even more on the mat.  Our relationship was still tense, not exchanging words beyond what was necessary.  He still stared at me in the halls with hate in his eyes, but he kept our bargain. 

  Brent and I circled the machine, taking it station by station.  When we heard the whistle blow signaling the beginning of practice, I had made about a half-circuit, Brent somewhat less.

  Rather than the normal routine, the coach broke us up into weight groups and had us work on escapes.  It was a welcome break to the heavy workouts of the last couple days, but I was still disappointed somewhat.  I had a lot of energy I needed to get rid of, and I couldn’t really do that in these exercises.  In the end, after the shower whistle blew, I was more frustrated than when practice had begun.

  I skipped the caf that morning, and went straight to my locker, and then English.  There was still ten minutes before the first warning bell, so I began reading the next chapter in Through the Looking Glass.  Pete came in less than a minute from the final bell, and took his seat.  He had given me a sympathetic glance as he came in, which I ignored.  We didn’t speak to each other at all.  I think he was giving me space to deal with my grandmother’s stroke.

  I didn’t see Pete again until Biology.  He wasn’t in Phys Ed, and didn’t tell me why.  I didn’t ask either.  I went out of my way to avoid everyone.  I skipped lunch and read in the library until it was time for Math.  Biology just blew by.  It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that I hadn’t done any of the homework in class.  I had been thinking and daydreaming instead.  I was furious with myself.

  Skipping my run that afternoon wasn’t probably the best option given my state of mind, but I skipped it anyway, in favor of finishing my homework.  Dinner was ready by the time I completed my biology assignment.

  It was a quiet affair.  Ray was over at Jared’s house, and Jason was in his room.  He had a migraine hit him mid-day and had come home to try and sleep it off.  He wasn’t having much luck.  That left Kevin, Sharon, Joanne, Pete, and myself.  Pete and I hadn’t said a word to each other since last night.  He was noticeably depressed, and for myself, I couldn’t think of anything to say to him.  Everything seemed trite and over-used.  And I convinced myself that I didn’t owe him any explanations. 

  Kevin and Sharon were silent as well, but their silence spoke volumes about their thoughts and feelings.  Neither of them tried to talk to us though. Maybe they were going to make us work this out on our own, or maybe they didn’t know what to do either.

  I had a meet on Saturday.  I was matched up with another prodigy from rival Sunset Highschool.  He was in the one-twenty pound bracket, and I needed to lose two more pounds to make that weight.  I ate my dinner accordingly, with a touch of this and a spoonful of that.  I had learned long ago how to make people think I was eating more than I was, and that skill came in handy.  I don’t think I fooled Pete, but he didn’t say anything, at least where I heard him.

  Friday was just another day.  Coach Knowells gave the wrestlers the day as a study hall so we could rest for the meet tomorrow.  I was going to lift or something but Knowells sat on me and said if I touched a weight he would scratch me.  Needless to say, I did my Writing and History assignment while watching the rest of the class play basketball.

  I watched Pete playing around with the “tall” group, and it was easy to tell his heart wasn’t into it.  It seemed as if every time I looked up, he was watching me with a worried frown on his face.  I shrugged it off, just like everything else.

  Pete and I had thought about going to see a movie or something, but it wasn’t going to happen.  He asked me what I wanted to see, and I told him I couldn’t stay out very late because of the match tomorrow.   His response was simple.  “Fine.”  And that was the last I saw of him until I left for the meet on Saturday morning.

  The match wasn’t very exciting.  My opponent made a basic mistake right in the beginning, and I rolled him up into a pin.  The whole thing took less than a minute.  I sweated more during warm-ups than I did in the match itself.  Afterward I looked to see if anyone had come to watch, but I didn’t see anyone but Sharon, waiting to take me home.

  It was now painfully obvious to me that Pete and I were in trouble, and not as a couple, but at a more basic level.  Our friendship was dying.  The worst part is I knew exactly what I had to do to fix it, but even the idea of giving up wrestling and a chance at a scholarship scared me so much, that I froze, and did nothing.  The situation didn’t improve on it’s own.

  I couldn’t get out of this funk I had slipped into.  Since I had heard about Grandma’s stroke, nothing felt right.  Everything was dull, lifeless.  I knew I was probably depressed, and that I probably should have asked for help, but my pride once more stuck it’s nose in and prevented me from asking. My depression worsened, which forced me further into myself so I could survive.  I was so self absorbed that I didn’t even notice the pain and suffering I was putting Pete through.

*     *     *     *     *

  Brian spent the next week or so in his room, wallowing in self-pity, and getting angrier every day.  Wednesday of the following week, he went to practice in the morning as usual.  Ray raced over to me in the cafeteria right before the warning bell rang.

  “You won’t believe this!  Brian and Brent just had a major fight!”

  “WHAT?”

  “They were scrapping on the mat, talking back and forth while they were sparring, and Brent just launched at him.  It took Mr. Knowells and Mr. Johnson both to separate them.  Last I saw they were both headed to the nurses office, bleeding.  I think Brent hurt his shoulder, too.”

  “Oh shit.  I suppose I had better call Dad.”  Jason left to find a phone, leaving Ray and me at the table.

  “What else did you see, Ray?”

  “They were slapping each other around trying to get position, you know?  They were also talking, and neither one of them looked happy.  Brian must have said something that set Brent off.   He led with a right hook that just barely missed.  After that, things got confused.  I know they both landed some good solid punches though.”

  “Damn.  Thanks, Ray.”  I rose and walked quickly away toward the office.  Just as I got there, I could hear Knowells bellowing at Brian and Brent.

  “You two are a disgrace.  You have shown that neither of you have the maturity to lead, and furthermore, you have shown that neither if you gives a rat’s ass about the team.  If you did care, this petty squabble would have been over with on the first day you joined the team, Kellam.  It’s plain to me that neither of you deserve a place on the squad.  Before you leave the school for your suspension, turn in your gear.  You’re off the team.”

  “Fuck you!”  Brian came stomping out of the office and saw me standing there gawking.  “And what the fuck are you looking at?”  I could see a cut above his left eye and a split lip, both of which were still bleeding.  He took off at a trot toward his locker.

  “Kellam, you get your ass back here!”  Coach Knowells chased him, catching him just before Brian rounded the corner, and grabbed him by the shoulder.

  “Don’t touch me!”

  “Get your butt back to the office, now!”

  Hot fury had suddenly been replaced by cold rage.  “I said get your hands off of me.  This is your last warning.”  In my opinion, the coach had a moment of brilliance at that point, and let him go.  I am certain Brian would have tried to take him out if he had persisted.  The two of them stared each other down, the coach looming over Brian like a giant over a dwarf.  Brian finally dropped his gaze to the floor and scuffed his way back into the office.  He didn’t acknowledge me as he passed, but the coach did.

  “You have a problem, Patterson?”  I shook my head.  “Then get to class.”  I turned away, heading for my locker, head spinning.  Brian was off the wrestling team?  And only four weeks before the district championship!  He would be devastated.  And what would that mean for his chances at a wrestling scholarship?  At least his grades were still up there.

  The day dragged on and on. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Jason until lunch, and when I did, he couldn’t add anything to what I already knew, other than Dad was pissed.  I could only imagine what was going through Brian's mind.

  Jason drove us home at the end of the day, and when we got there, Brian had been banished to his room.  Mom and Dad were up in the office talking about his most recent transgression.  I had a feeling that my request for them to leave him alone had gone by the wayside. 

  How had we come to this?  Where had we gone wrong?  Had I pushed him to hard?  Did I ask too much?  Did I chase him away?  Did I make assumptions that were incorrect?  Did Brian truly love me when he came up to Portland?  Or was he using me to get away from his life down in California, a convenient way to make an escape?

  I could hear Sharon and Kevin arguing through the office door as I passed.  They didn’t sound happy.  Jason followed me upstairs, and we exchanged a meaningful glance as we heard a particularly heated exchange come from the office.  I retreated to my room and did my homework, trying not to think about the day’s events.

  Somewhere between the time I started and finished my homework, Mom and Dad had their talk with Brian.  At dinner, a much-chastened Brian sat at the table with us.  He was quiet, sullen, and did little more than push his food around his plate.  When he asked to be excused to do his homework, I doubt he had taken more than two bites of his dinner.  Never the less, Mom let him go, reminding him he had to clear the table after everyone was done.  Brian cleaned up his plate and acknowledged her, then dejectedly went to his room.  After he left, hushed conversation rose around the table.

  Ray asked, “Dad, what’s going to happen to Brian?”

  “He was kicked off the wrestling team and suspended for a two weeks.”

  “Two weeks?  I thought that fighting was a one week suspension.”

  “It is, but telling off Mr. Knowells earned him another week.  In the mean time, Brian will be kept busy working around the house or down at my office, and talking with a counselor.”

  Jason gave a quizzical look.  “I thought Mom could do that.”

  “I can, son, but Brian doesn’t respond to me.  He needs someone else.”

  Looking into my plate, I spoke in a quiet voice.  “I’m worried about him.”

  “Why are you worried?”

  “Because I still love him.”

  Ray spoke in his characteristically blunt manner.  “I don’t know why, after all he has done to you. Look at all the shit he has pulled on you!  He treats you like crap!”

  “Ray!”

  “Raymond!  How could you say that to Pete!”  Kevin and Sharon were both shocked at his words.  Jason was curiously unfazed.

  “No, no.  He’s right.  It’s a valid question.  Why do I still love him?  The only answer I can give you, and it won’t satisfy you, is I still remember the boy he was, and I still have hope he’ll turn around.”

  “How long are you going to wait this time? Another three years?”  Ray’s voice held heavy sarcasm.  I stared back at him.

  “If that’s what it takes, then yes.  The way he is now is partially my fault.  I have to help him.  I feel sorry for him.

  “Oh, so I’m a pity case, is that it?”  Brian had come into the room unnoticed by anyone, and had overheard our entire conversation.  Fury burned inside of him.  His face was red hot.  “I don’t need your pity.  I alone am responsible for who I am now.  I don’t need any help.  I don’t need a counselor,” he said with a sneer.  “I will be fine on my own.”  He turned on his heel, went back to his room slamming the door behind him.

  “All right, you son of a bitch.  That is enough!”  Jason threw his chair back, causing it to hit the wall with a thud.  He stalked off toward Brian's room.

  I sat in the kitchen looking after Jason for a long moment.  His face had held an expression I had never seen on his face before: unadulterated fury.  I could just make out Jason’s angry voice coming from Brian's room.  Even Ray was silent.

  “What am I going to do, Sharon?  How can I get him back?  I need him.”  I couldn’t even cry.  No tears, no sobs, not even a sniffle.  From out back came a rumble, like something heavy being thrown against the wall, followed by several others.   Standing, I started toward Brian's room, but Sharon stopped me.

  “Pete, let them be.  Jason can handle it.  Why don’t you go climb in bed, and I’ll bring you up some tea.”  I nodded dumbly, and went upstairs to my bedroom, stripped to my boxers and climbed in bed, propping myself up with pillows.

  Sharon returned five minutes later, finding me in roughly the same position, staring blankly at the wall.  I can’t even tell you if I was thinking during those few minutes.  I remember a terrible ache in my chest, and a feeling of nausea, but the tea Sharon gave me settled all that down.

  “How are you feeling, Pete?”

  “Like I just lost my soul.”

  “Are you giving up then?”

  “Do I have a choice?  Brian seems to have made his mind.  I won’t hold him if he doesn’t want to stay.”  I took another sip of the hot tea, feeling its soothing warmth travel down my throat and into my stomach.

  “Are you sure he wants to go?”

  “Why else would he walk out like he did, or act as he does?”

  “Maybe because he’s hurting and needs some space.  He has had a lot happen to him lately.”

  “What about the last two months?  Why has he distanced himself from me?  Why has he pulled away?  I tried to be there for him every second I could.”  She was quiet as I drained my tea.

  “Pete, if you had a huge problem, would you come to Kevin or I immediately, or would you try to figure it out on your own?”

  “I’d come to you guys, of course.”

  “You say that now, easily enough, but you aren’t really in that situation.  I don’t think you would, before trying to settle it yourself.”  I nodded in agreement.  “Brian is the same way, but worse.  He isn’t used to having someone he can rely on.  For him to admit he needs help is incredibly shaming.  You know what he said before.  He doesn’t need anyone?  That’s his attitude.  He may even believe that as reality, on the surface.  But deep down, he knows he needs you most of all.”

  “Then why can’t he just tell me that?”

  “He is afraid of showing weakness.  Remember how often he was picked on in school?  He learned very early that to show weakness of any kind was a quick way to pain and embarrassment.”

  “But he’s in a different situation now, a new school, new friends, all of us.  Why is this still affecting him?  Why can’t he get over it?”

  “Pete, you should know how long it can take to put things behind you.  You remember how long it took you to get over Brian not being with you?”

  “I never did.  It was very traumatic for me.”

  “And his feelings of inadequacy, of constantly being on guard, has been, and is, very traumatic for him.  He will come to terms with it, but we need to support him as he does.”

  I cried out in frustration.  “I tried!  I was there for him, all the time.  He doesn’t need me!  All he ever says is ‘I’m fine.’  I’m not stupid; I can tell something is bothering him, but he never lets me in!”

  “Pete, honey, just the fact that you are there is a source of great comfort to him.  He knows he has problems.  The only way he can deal them is to have a rock to cling to.  You are his rock.”

  “Some rock. He doesn’t cling to me for anything anymore.  Not even at night.”  A bitter smile crossed my face.

  Sharon frowned and shook her head.  “You are the one stable, predictable thing in his life right now, Pete.  You are the center of his universe.”

  “You’re serious?  Even with all this other...” She nodded again, and my jaw dropped in horror.  “And I took that away from him.  Oh, God, I left him alone.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.  You were there.  He just hasn’t been able to see that with everything else he’s dealing with.  And don’t forget, you have to take care of yourself, too.  Getting completely wrapped up in his problems is not healthy for you.  You have to be able to take a step back so you can take a break and care for yourself.”

  “How can you be so certain that he isn’t going to leave me?”

  Sharon smiled and brushed my hair off my forehead, then rested her hand on my cheek.  “I can be certain, because I have seen the love you two have for each other.  Even if it’s hidden under what is happening right now, it’s still there, and it’s not going anywhere.”  I gave her a hopeful half-smile.

*     *     *     *     *

  The spare room door opened not more than a minute after I had shut the door.  I thought it would be Kevin, but it wasn’t.  Jason walked straight in, slammed the door behind him, picked me up and slammed me against the wall, hard.  This was a total shock to me.  Jason had never shown me a hostile bone in his body, but here he was holding me off the floor, absolutely beside himself with fury.  He didn’t speak to me, instead, he thundered, his nose less than an inch from mine.

  “Just who the FUCK do you think you are?  HUH?  You are not the center of the universe!”  He slammed me against the wall again  “Yes, I know you have your problems, but I got news for you, kid, we all have problems.  You’re not special.  You’re not unique.  You’re the same as the rest of us, except that the rest of us don’t let our problems run our lives!  Do you have any idea what you have done to Pete, to me, to Mom and Dad?  All they want to do is help you, for God’s sake!  And you, all you have is your pride, your arrogance, and your damn attitude.  You think you are too good for our help, or our love.  Do you really love Pete?  Do you?  If you did, you wouldn’t treat him like you have been these past weeks, you selfish bastard.”  Tears came to my eyes as he slammed me again, but not because of the pain from impact.

  “And It wasn’t good enough for you to just fuck up your own life, was it?  You had to fuck up our lives too.  The sacrifices we made for you have been made pointless.  Do you realize that?  You have hurt us all, and for no reason! And you almost destroyed Pete!”  Slam.  “You can’t get over yourself long enough to realize that in spite of all you have done to him, Pete still loves you as strongly now as he ever has, and you-” Slam “don’t-” Slam “care!”  Slam.  “Even now he is willing to take you back.  Ray doesn’t think you are worth it.  I’m not sure you are either.”  Tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

  “I never said this to you, because Pete asked me not to interfere, but now, I’m giving you notice, and it’s well past due.  If you continue to hurt my parents, or my brothers, I’ll make you wish you had never known us!”  Slam.  “Think really hard, kid.  Do you want to be on your own, dealing with your problems alone, or do you want to drop the act, drop the attitude, and let someone in?  The choice is yours, but the final say is mine.  Got it?”  He threw me against the wall for the last time, and I let myself fall to the floor, crying outright now, sobbing.  Jason turned his back on me and walked to the door, opening it.

  “Help me.”  It came out as a bare whisper.  He stopped before walking through.  He may not have heard my words to recognize them, but he knew I had said something.

  His voice was still harsh.  “Did you say something?”

  No louder than the last time, I repeated my words in between sobs.

  “Help me.  Please help me.  I don’t know what to do.”  I looked up at him, tears blurring my vision, ready to bawl like a baby, but he didn’t make a move.  Dropping my head to my knees, I found that I suddenly had that hole deep in my gut.  I knew the sensation.  The last time I had felt it this bad was when Pete and I were separated three years ago.  The feeling was so strong that I dry heaved.  Jason looked down on me in disgust, compassion warring with rage, as I curled into a painful ball.  He made to leave several times, and then gave in.

  “Well, shit.”  He sat down next to me as I rocked back and forth, and took me in his arms.  I leaned into him, and the floodgates opened.  He rocked me gently as I clung to him, running his hand through my hair.  I could feel tears dropping on my head, and an occasional gentle shudder from his body.  “Shhhh.  Everything will be okay, Brian.  You’re safe now.  I have you.”  We cried together for a long time.

*     *     *     *     *

  Sharon sat with me for a long while, talking with me about everything that came up.  I told her some more of Brian's history, things she didn’t know or wanted clarification about.  About eleven or so, Jason came upstairs.  He looked tired.  More like exhausted.  His eyes were puffy and red, like he’d been crying.  Clearing his throat to get attention, he spoke quietly, his voice reflecting the anguish in his eyes.

  “Am I interrupting?”  We shook our head, and he stood aside, revealing a sight that both made my heart leap and my stomach flip.  Brian stood in the threshold, looking down at the floor, and then raising his head to meet my gaze.  The incredible pain I saw behind his eyes nearly tore me in two.  He met Sharon’s gaze next, then glanced up to Jason, and dropped his eyes again.  Jason moved around behind Brian and put his hands on his shoulders, massaging them gently, and said in a low voice.  “I’ve got you, Bri. You’re safe here with us.”  When Brian spoke, his voice was a choked, hoarse whisper. 

  “I need help.”  His eyes remained fixed on the floor.

  “Brian...”  His raised hand stopped me.

  “Pete, I can’t let you waste your life staying with me.  I am too screwed up...”   I was out of bed and on the floor in an instant.

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP!  How many times will it take before you realize I AM NOT LEAVING YOU?  WE are together.  YOUR problems are OUR problems.  Dammit, Brian, why don’t you believe that?”  I could see tears dropping from his face and sobs wracking his frame under Jason’s strong hands.  Jason wore a concerned expression, combined with a protective, parental love. Tears began falling down my face as well.   “Brian, I love you.  I always have.  There is nothing you can do to chase me away.  There is nothing about you that would ever make me even consider leaving.  No problem is insurmountable.  I want to help, Bri, but you need to let me in.  Please, let me help; let me be here for you.  Let me love you.

  His words were barely intelligible.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  His voice trailed off into a whine as he began crying once more.  Here was my boyfriend, in pain and needing comfort, looking very much like a small boy lost in the world, alone and afraid.  The image brought more tears to my eyes.

  I moved forward and caught him in my arms, squeezing him as tight as my teen-age frame would allow.   Brian's arms wrapped around me, hesitantly at first, and then holding on so tight it was difficult to breathe.  Hot tears soaked my chest as he cried hard, the pain welling up from the very center of his tortured being.  I felt Jason’s arms surround both of us, sandwiching Brian between us, and he added his tears to ours.  He hugged us tightly, as did Sharon when she joined us a moment later.  The four of us clung to one another, shedding tears as we pulled Brian back from the brink and into our lives once more.

Copyright Notice - Copyright ©2004 by Dewey.

This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or otherwise without the authors expressed permission. All applicable copyright laws apply.