Foreword
When I first started writing For the Love of Pete, it was the beginning of a journey of self-discovery. I realized that something was missing from my life in January of 2000. After an emotional collapse I began writing for the first time in my life. To me, the writing seemed awkward and sparse with little description, but friends encouraged me to continue. What seemed only a few weeks later, I had completed twenty-one chapters and had started Brian and Pete.
I made a decision in June of 2002 to live my life instead of constantly looking backwards to find a reason why I was depressed or why my life was not working out like I wanted it to. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to R.D.H. for pointing out the simple truths I had heard before but never listened to. What I am today is a direct result of his words. I love you, brother.
Through my recovery efforts, I have learned much about myself and how the events of my past have affected the way I lived my life. I discovered that, if we allow it, our past would control us. Too often I hear others complain about what a horrible childhood they had or that they are constantly being victimized. I, too, was one of those people, but no longer. The past is the past. Let it stay there. More often than not I was sabotaging my own efforts to improve my condition, be it personally or professionally. What held me back? Fear.
Raymond Feist wrote in The King’s Buccaneer, “Fear holds us and binds us and keeps us from growing…. It kills a small piece of us each day. It holds us to what we know and keeps us from what is possible, and it is our worst enemy. Fear does not announce itself; it’s disguised, and it’s subtle. It’s choosing the safe course; most of us feel we have ‘rational’ reasons to avoid taking risks…. The brave man is not the one without fear but the one who does what he must despite being afraid.”
This is the best description I have come across to define what it is that prevents us from healing the wounds of our past and moving forward. I have found that fear is seductive. We are afraid of change. Even when our current situation is unbearable, we do things, whether consciously or unconsciously, to maintain the status quo. This is why battered women time and again choose abusive partners, or why certain people always seem to fail. It is what they know and, despite the miserable existence they must lead, they do everything to stay where they are in life… until something motivates them to make the concerted effort to change.
If there is anything I emphasize in the Brian and Pete series, it is this: don’t be afraid to express your emotions. Men in our culture are taught at an early age to suppress their feelings. The only “acceptable” emotion is anger. Phrases like, “Big boys don’t cry,” and the taunt, “What are you, chicken?” teach children that it is wrong to feel fear or sadness or pain. There are a multitude of other words and phrases that are used to the same effect, thus making the message almost universal.
Children by nature are not forgiving creatures. Watching children interact with one another on the grand scale is the finest example of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. The book Lord Of The Flies, while fictional, is a plausible scenario. The strong dominate the weak. In today’s world, that is also true. If you doubt it, watch young children on a school playground. However, in the long run, as children become adults, the physical strength that Darwin had in mind for his theory leans more toward intelligence as is evidenced by the strata of society. Intelligent, learned people find more doors opening for them. This is not placing judgment on any one person or group no matter what their attributes. It is just a statistical fact.
Emotions are critical to living life. When we suppress them, we lose our humanity and become little more than automatons going through the motions, simulating what life could be like. That simulation, however, is nothing more than a shadow of the real thing. Ask yourself if you are really, truly happy. If you answer honestly, I would say eighty percent of people reading this right now will answer, “No.” Of the remaining twenty percent, half will be deluding themselves. What makes the other ten percent different? Emotions.
It is tragic that the vast majority of people never really learn who they are. Burying our emotions dulls our experiences. How can one tell if one truly enjoys something if the emotions of joy and happiness are not felt? I did not know that I enjoyed writing until I shed the “Macho Mask” that requires us to bury our feelings and allowed my true emotions to flow through me. Yes, there was a lot of pain at first, but that was because I had twenty years of bottled up pain, sadness and rage that had to come out before I could heal those wounds and move on. It took me two-and-a-half years to do that: January of 2000 until June of 2002. However, my life has dramatically improved since then.
Although For The Love Of Pete is a story about the relationship between two gay boys discovering who they are and finding their place in the world. It is my belief that the story transcends the genre of “Gay Literature.” It speaks to the human condition in a way that is not commonly seen in many categories of writing. What started as a therapeutic effort on my part has taken on a life of its own through the responses of the reading audience. The lives of these two boys have touched the lives of thousands of others.
Is it worth it? Is it worth spending the hours and days pounding away at a keyboard for nothing other than the satisfaction I get from the responses I receive and the joy of writing itself? Let me tell you what I have experienced as a result of writing.
My life is now something that I enjoy instead of dread; something I live instead of just watching it pass by. I no longer see myself as someone unworthy of love. I accept that I deserve to be happy and to have what I have. I have met people that I cherish as friends. I have met a man who is a brother to me. I have spoken to people whose lives have changed because they read what I wrote. My marriage, which was once faltering, is intact and thriving. My wife is with me still because I have learned how to feel again. It promises my children a better future because their father is a whole person, and not just some shadow going through the motions of living.
I have had a hand in saving the lives of at least five boys. If this alone is not reason enough for writing, then I challenge each and every one of you to name one more worthy.
I want to make a few dedications here that I haven’t really had the opportunity to make. First and foremost, I dedicate my work to my wife. She is an incredible woman who has been through more with me than any one person should go through in one lifetime. She deserves far more than I am able to give her at times, and I thank God for her every single day. I love you. My kids come next. How can one not be completely awed with life if you truly watch children grow up and play? Third, my brother. I may have providence and you may have your molecules, but somehow we ended up at the same place. Outside of my wife and kids, he is the most important person in my life. You have given me so much that it is immeasurable. I owe my life as it is now to you and that fateful day last June. I only hope than I can repay you. LYB. Fourth, the original Glass Onion Crew, and TheEggman, without whom none of this would have come to be. You saved my life, guys. Next, GD and JD3. Thanks for all you’ve done for me in the last couple years. I owe you one.
Did you ever wonder what really happened in those years that Brian stayed with Chris and Kathlene Forn? You are about to find out.
Brian’s Destruction is a cautionary tale. In it I explore what can happen if one allows his or herself to do noting more than swallow anger, or, more aptly, to live inside it. While Brian is an intelligent person, that intelligence is held at bay by the sheer magnitude of his rage. Brian represents so many of us. People who write to me invariably say that they can relate to Brian because of his anger. That is a frightening statement about today’s society.
I have never been one to shy away from difficult topics, and I am not going to start now. Be warned that the subjects I am writing about in Brian’s Destruction are, as the title implies, emotionally very difficult. In my estimation it is a story that must be told. This is not a happy tale: it is a sad, depressing story, warning us of what can happen when we forget to care for our children for their own sake instead of our own gratification.
Children should be brought into this world out of a want to create and share love for the sake of their happiness and not because of the parent’s perceived needs, whatever they may be. Our progeny are the single most important item in our existence. Children are creatures we have created through our own pleasure; through our own flesh, and we have an incumbent responsibility to teach them the tools they need to live life as happy, fulfilled adults. We owe it to our children to prepare ourselves for that task. To do less is a heinous crime against the child, and humanity as a whole.
With this weighing heavily upon my mind, I give you Brian’s Destruction.
January 24, 2003